I've left it too late and I'm sad

[anonandon1]

I am blessed to have a dc who is nearly 7. The first 4 years were very hard and we didn't adjust well to parenting. We almost split up, my career suffered, we have no family support and we couldn't contemplate another child. Fast forward to a couple of months ago and I have started to feel like I could do it all again., we are older and wiser! but now it's also too late for a number of reasons ., I'm old, the age gap is big and I think it won't happen anyway which makes me sad. But I think had I really wanted another I would have been brave enough to feel the fear and do it anyway! So I think it's my ovaries talking ... tick tock it's almost too late ( I'm early 40s) but I feel sad and pissed off with myself but at the same time I have to remind myself why we didn't at the time. It's bothering me and I feel like I can't move on and enjoy my life and my gorgeous child. I hope it will get easier with time... is it maybe a form of grief for what I thought I wanted but ultimately didn't?

Has anyone else felt like this ?

Honestly try if you want to. What does dh think?

Sounds like you really want to so I would just try, with no expectations, no pressure

But is it too late?
A friend of mine had her first at 41 and second at 43

Does the age gap really matter?
It might even be easier in some ways than say a toddler and a baby

You think it won't happen..
Have you been told this? If not, why not give it a try anyway

Oh and in answer to your original question I haven't had children and am undergoing tests for womb cancer, yes it would make me really sad if that option was taken away forever.

I do know a lovely lady who had her first and only child at 46 and he was a beautiful man, I'd say yes to you trying and can understand the sadness

Large age gaps are fine

My Dsis had a dd and 13 years later she had D's. Both adult now, lovely people

My little brother is 8 years younger than me. It's absolutely fine.

I wouldn't worry about the age gap. There's 16 years between me and my sister.

It isn't too late if it's what you want.
I have a 9 year gap. Was longing for another but dh wasn't keen.
We had no family help, rough time etc.
Then i got unexpectedly pregnant and miscarried. It was awful. But it crystallised things and I luckily got pregnant again (found out on xmas eve!).
So now have an 11 and 2 year old. All worked out grand.
I remember that feeling though....

The age gap is fine, I had a 6 yr gap and no bother at all. If you really want another then give it a go! Your age is no bother at all I dont think

Just go for it! The amazing feeling of deliberately creating a life? Work the rest out later. You'll be fine.

It's not too late, and the age gap isn't an issue.

More importantly, how does your DH feel about it? Is he will to try for another baby? Are you both prepared to risk it, considering what happened to your relationship last time?

I think there is always going to be a feeling of 'what if I had one more?' however many you have.

My aunty had two babies in her twenties and two in her forties it's definitely not too late

How does your DH/DP feel about it?

We have a 3 year old and I’m 40 next year. We have not adjusted well to parenthood and we won’t have anymore kids.

Logically, I know this is sensible because I had a not very nice pregnancy, a horrid labour and I can’t tolerate sleep deprivation at all. I have no broodiness or desire to do it all again. I miss my old life a lot.

But I am furious and sad with myself for being such a miserable failure at motherhood because I couldn’t cope with another baby. I see friends on social media cooing about how maternity leave was the best time of their lives and I just think really? Because I hated my mat leave. I gave up work and stayed at home until my LO was 2.5 and, looking back on that time, I was anxious, tired, frustrated and stressed (DD was not an easy baby, and is not a particularly easy toddler, either).

Ideally, we would be a family of four, but sensibly, we will remain as three. The regrets I have are about my own failings and my inability to thrive as a mother than any real desire to have another child.

Go for it! There is 17 year gap between my first and last DC's.

Yes I feel like you. Even though you didn't think you were going to have a 2nd, now you're clock is ticking it makes it very real. I have a DD, I had a bad pregnancy and birth, took me ages to recover and put TTC on the back burner. I'm now nearly 40 and we have been trying for over a year so got tests done and was told I have 5% chance of conceiving. I was gutted, angry at myself for leaving it too late, especially when I've been with my partner 15yrs, why did I think I was going to be fertile forever?

I know posters saying my friend was 43 etc are just trying to help and be positive if I hate when my friends say it to me, it doesn't mean it will happen for me.

I think you are right when you say you are grieving, I certainly felt like that, we are trying but I have come to terms that it probably won't happen and if it does it will be a blessing. There is still disappointment each month when I get my period.

You should start TTC though, you never know, you could be lucky. As another poster said, try with no expectations and no pressure. Good luck x

OP I went through a phase like this recently. I was desperate to have a third planned it for a good few months talk to round looked I to building an extention and then I really sat and thought about it one day. About how difficult it was to have a baby, all the complications and stress (I didn't cope very well after my 2nd). I had a bit of a cry broke my heart for an hourthat I wouldn't have a little baby again and now I have made my peace with it and I'm back to not being content with the 2 I've got. I don't know what those few months were all about but I hope it doesn't happen again because my mind couldn't rest the whole time.

So many mistakes in there it's embarrassing, typing lying down and my phone's smashed sorry!

It's not too late if you're still ovulating.

However I had similar feelings. I had DD at nearly 40 and, had a similar wobble 2 years later. I overcame it and am extremely happy with 1 DC. As is DH (well XDH but we're still on excellent terms).

There's lots to be said for an only. Lots of one on one time, money to do exciting stuff etc, extra disposable incone generally. I wouldn't have it any other way now.

Dh has found it tough but would have tried a couple of years ago if I had wanted to I think. I wasn't sure then and now as time has passed I have become more keen and him less so...

It's tough because I sometimes feel like we will be ok as a nice little unit of 3 and we can afford more and give more attention to dc etc if only I can accept this and move on..

But I worry that this feeling of "what if"will always plague me..

We could let nature decide but there are lots of risks associated with that and my age and that scares the shi* out of of me.

OP, I had my last DC in my early 40's and I haven't completely ruled out another! . If you're healthy and ovulating then there's no reason to fear pregnancy in your 40's. I know 6 people who have had babies in their their 40's over the last few years. It's quite common in my social circle!

The age gap isn't too big, in my experience. I think you might regret not trying, based on what you've said here.

Following with interest. One DS aged 10. Miscarriage last year (on mother's day, superb that was) and now constantly arguing with myself that another child now would be like having two only children and that DS who has begged for a sibling all his life would end up annoyed with a bawling toddler as he was starting his gcses.

I think if DS had been a DD I would think differently, an older sister I (maybe wrongly) assume would enjoy almost mothering a new baby, whereas I think DS would be initially thrilled, but the reality of being a teenager stuck in a house with his only sibling in nappies would not be a good thing.

I have googled this extensively, and the general consensus seemed to be that an age gap of 8+ years when there are only two children in total, was not a happy outcome for anyone.

I wouldn't worry about it too much OP, seriously, when you go through the Menopause you lose all desire to have more DC , well l did never thought it would happen to me but l really could not think of anything worse now
If you want to though go for it !

I decided at 35 I’d like a family. I left it so late because I was terrified of childbirth, but that’s another story. It took 4 years of trying and after discovering I had an under active thyroid and receiving medication had our ds a month before my 40th birthday. 2 years later I fell pregnant again but lost the baby at 12 weeks and a further 2 miscarriages. My husband decided for him he couldn’t risk the hurt again and stopped trying. Given the choice I’d have kept trying. If you’re fit and healthy and your partner is in agreement I would go for it. It breaks my heart leaving our DS an only child.

the general consensus seemed to be that an age gap of 8+ years when there are only two children in total, was not a happy outcome for anyone

Oh gosh, that really flies in the face of my own experience around our friends and in laws. I've only got positive feedback with the same thing!