I've left it too late and I'm sad

[anonandon1]

I am blessed to have a dc who is nearly 7. The first 4 years were very hard and we didn't adjust well to parenting. We almost split up, my career suffered, we have no family support and we couldn't contemplate another child. Fast forward to a couple of months ago and I have started to feel like I could do it all again., we are older and wiser! but now it's also too late for a number of reasons ., I'm old, the age gap is big and I think it won't happen anyway which makes me sad. But I think had I really wanted another I would have been brave enough to feel the fear and do it anyway! So I think it's my ovaries talking ... tick tock it's almost too late ( I'm early 40s) but I feel sad and pissed off with myself but at the same time I have to remind myself why we didn't at the time. It's bothering me and I feel like I can't move on and enjoy my life and my gorgeous child. I hope it will get easier with time... is it maybe a form of grief for what I thought I wanted but ultimately didn't?

Has anyone else felt like this ?

OP, you mention you are more keen on the idea, and you suspect DH less so... How do you think DC would react? Have they asked about a brother or sister?

Oh don't be daft. Fully half my friends had their children in their forties. I had mine in my thirties and mine are adult now where they're coping with primary/early secondary aged kids. And they're doing just great as will you. Just get on and go for it

BTW there are a couple of family relationships where there is a big age gap between the children. IME they are closer for the age gap.

@eleanorrigbey sorry to hear that it's not happening for you .., I hope it does .,

I think we do need to be a bit more realistic about fertility and this needs to be told to young women ( without scaremongering) as more and more people leave it later to have kids to concentrate on their career

I am not sure that would have helped me though.. we started our family late and I think if fertility was not an issue and you could have kids at any time in an ideal world I would have a child in the next year but it's the whole baby/ toddler thing that I found hard. It's only now with my back against the wall that I think to the future 10 years or so and think I would like another child, another person in our family ... but that of course involves another baby now!

She Got - May I ask... What is your experience of this scenario? The things I've read have been predominantly from American forums, and they all really put the frighteners on me. Siblings saying how they resented the new baby, resented the parents for causing the situation, how they had nothing in common with a child so much younger and felt like an aunt or uncle, how they felt they had done significantly worse in their schooling because the baby was disrupting their sleep and studying.

It really wasn't good reading. But all very frank and matter of fact, which has had enough of an effect that I now lean towards not having another because the whole point would be giving him a sibling.

Had my last baby at 43. Its not too late. Fell pregnant within about 4 or 5 months.

I fell pregnant within 4/5 but had a very early mc before that.

4/5 months that is...sorry its late!

Big gaps seem to have worked out really well for my friends. More harmonious than my classic two and a bit years. I had both mine in my forties, i got pregnant very easily. I know lots of women who were well over forty. Just go for it if you want another one !

I think we do need to be a bit more realistic about fertility and this needs to be told to young women ( without scaremongering) as more and more people leave it later to have kids to concentrate on their career

Who's 'we'? If it's not you?

I am sure you didn't mean anything bad there, but having clicked on this post I was really brought up short by that comment. Like most people my age (I am 33, younger than you, but not so very much), it's been rammed down my throat ever since I can remember that silly selfish women often leave it too late to have children 'because of their careers'. It is the eternal subject of newspaper articles.

Anyway, you asked about sadness. If you're in your early 40s and your child is 7, you must have been my DP's age when she had our first - which, FWIW, was the average age for a first time mum in the hospital we were in. So, not late at all. Of course it may be you can't have any more now. But I wonder from the tone of your posts if you're almost telling yourself it can't work because that allows you to cast this as a sad impossibility rather than a sad possibility? Forgive me if I'm way off the mark.

It's not too late. I know a few people who had their children that widely spaced apart. One said to me it was a bit like raising three single children. They never had that challenging juggling of new born and toddler.

Also @thefatcatswhiskers sorry to hear of your loss but please don't worry about having an only child. I am an only .. had a brilliant childhood and don't feel like I missed out on anything. Have a great relationship with dps and had lots of opportunities that my dps would have struggled to provide if there was more than one of me.

For that reason the " lonely only" argument doesn't factor at all into my feelings.. my dc will be fine either way I'm sure .. he is sociable outgoing and I make sure he has plenty of time with other kids ( play dates, after school activities weekend activities)

I feel a bit sad because we haven't tried to have another child but that's for me not for dc .. he has never asked for a sibling .. if we don't have another he will be fine I'm sure...

Who knows if his life would have been better with a sibling 7 years younger than him or not? I think there will be lots of challenges but I'm sure as they get older the advantages are obvious. I have felt lonely as an adult only and I am a bit worried about that with ds but hope he will find a partner and a family of his own before dh and I pop our clogs! Sadly we have no real family ( eg cousins gps) either so without us he really is on his own. I am hopeful that we will forge some good friendships with his schoolmates and their parents ... no pressure!

Courtney oh that makes sad reading. My experience is with my SiL's, 2 of whom have 2 siblings with an age gap of roughly what has been mentioned, and two friends.

It's a mix of SAHP and working parents, and a mix of girls and boys, but they seem to have very good bonds and relationships. In every case, I've spent decent periods of time directly with the children and seen for myself how sweet their bond is.

It's not the same rough-and-tumble, buddy-bond that siblings have in the early years, but they're only that young for a short time, and 7 or 8 years as adults is nothing, and siblings can be so important to each other all through life.

I've really thought about this, to answer you honestly, and I don't have a negative to give you - I've only seen good, loving, positive stuff with their families.

I think try why not .. not too late at all and you have an older sibling for your desired child to look up to . That sounds amazing

SheGot, thank you ♥️

You have another option.

Seek counselling about your grief.

Your problem doesn’t sound like ‘I need another child’ to me. It sounds like ‘I have what-if and regret thoughts interfering with my happiness, and I fear it’s impeding my ability to connect fully with my DH & child’.

You could deal with those feelings, and get guidance on how to accept and love your current life, rather than entering the whole TTC maelstrom. Just saying...

*@LBDthefeministdragon *

You make a good point .. yes I do think I left it too late to have dc.. I wanted to get as far as I could in my career .. . I have been fortunate in returning to work part time since dc was born but career took a massive hit. This could have been because I work part time or because of the year off but either way younger female members of my profession try and get as far as they can before having babies and I find it hard to be positive and enthusiastic as a mentor when I see what happens to even the brightest and the best... anyway that's a different matter ..

That is not my problem.. my problem is I could have tried earlier and didn't .. my decision, my fault ... and now I feel a bit sad about it all. Could just be hormones and like other posters have said maybe I need to deal with that and accept it rather than thinking it means that I have made a terrible decision.

@courtney and OP there is a 10 year age gap between my first and second, and it’s fine. My oldest would have loved closer in age but he just loves having a sibling at last.

Had the second age 43, so go for it!

@Skittlesandbeer

Good idea thanks. I do find it difficult to separate these issues .. am I sad because ds is growing up and I will never experience his baby stages anymore or am I sad that I will never again be pregnant/ have a young child? It's very confusing. I did try counselling recently and they said to just park the issue!

Anyway I am just sad!

It's been really helpful to hear all your thoughts thanks

Is it really too late? I was 34 with my first and just shy of 43 with my second. I have a friend with the same gap who was the same age/s as I was too. If you really feel you'd like to, just go for it before it really is too late.

My Big brother is 13 years older than me and we've always been very close,even more so since I became a Mum,he treats all 5 of my DC like his own DC.

He's one of the most important people in my life and along with my DH helped me keep going after we lost our Dad last year.

I have a couple of friends that have had babies within the last year or 2 and like me they're 43,they're both really happy with they're decision and they both have DC that are in secondary school.

Do what is right for you and your family OP,maybe speak to any friends you have that have a larger age gap between they're DC and work out for you all what would be the positives and negatives,being able to see things in black and white might just help you decide.

You’ll never know until you try OP. You are definitely not too old and the age gap is definitely not too big. Big one will dote on little one and help you out. Go for it and see what fate has in store for you.

LanguidLobster for you, hope everything turns out well for you.

Languid lobster

Sorry to hear of your difficulties .. sending hugs x

Courtney555. I know what you mean I think an older girl younger boy dynamic works much better than an older boy/ much younger girl

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You sound quite conflicted - and trying to second guess yourself about whether you really want another child or not. What does your DH want? If you did have another, could you cope with another difficult four years, if it might be?
I certainly had a deep desire for another baby in my early 40s - there may be something biological in it. But I think it's more likely psychological - knowing that you are reaching the point of no return. And it didn't seem to get easier with time, just more intense - although I see the poster who said that the menopause changes everything.
We went for it and had another when I was 44.5 - with a 7 and 9 year age gap (big age gaps are great BTW - both children seem to benefit). I'm glad we did - though I forgot how much of a life you forgo for baby rearing! Although it's worth it all to see my older children adoring their baby sibling.
All I would say is that if you decide to go for it, really go for it - consult a specialist fertility nutritionist, get your thyroid checked, get your lead levels checked, research all those other things that can cause miscarriage and throw whatever money/time/energy/medical/organisation skills you have at it - you don't want to waste any time at this point.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Sorry just to give you some positives of having a bigger age gap between DC.

My oldest DS is 22 and our youngest DD is 10(we have 5DC)and honestly hand on heart he couldn't love her anymore if he tried and that's true of all 4 of our older DC,our second DS is 20 and his bond with his baby sister is truely amazing,when he found out we were having another little girl(we have DD14 as well and they'll never stop being over protective of her neither)he ran around the shop shouting were having another girl(we were buying baby clothes)he was 10 at the time and you would have thought he was a proud father bless him,DS17 is asd just like his littlest sister(DD10)and ever since she was born he's told everyone that she was his belated birthday present(they're birthdays are 1 week apart)everytime he's with her he acts like she's one of the best things that ever happened to his life.

DD14 loves her baby sister so much and they're bond is so close you'd think they were twins and when DD14 was born our 2 oldest DS's who were 8 and 6 at the time would ask to help put her to bed every night just because they were going to miss her so much whilst she was asleep.

All 5 of our DC are extremly close and I'll always be thankful for that and none of them ever feel like they have missed out because of having siblings or hated the bigger or smaller age gaps,when people ask them about how they feel about having brothers and sisters they all say they wouldn't want it any other way and all of our DC have informed us that they're having DC when they're older(alot older)and I love the fact that they'll always have each other.

OP, it’s been hard, you’ve had hard years and knock backs, but actually, there’s a strong chance that the world is your oyster.

I had a baby at nearly 44 with no difficulty. 5 our of 7 women in my NCT group were over 40. I have a sister 7 years younger than me. We didn’t do stuff like playmates for years when growing up, but I took her to things, and as adults we are a team.

On the other hand, you have a great kid, all will be well, and you can now throw yourself into career development and refresh your professional life while giving your child a great childhood and prospects.

What’s holding you back is regret and thinking of your situation as lose : lose. Actually it could be win : win .

Making transitions between decision making is hard, don’t let it drag you down too long.