My house is alive.

[Scrowy]

For context It's a very, very, very old house. It has forgotten cellars and boarded up secret passageways and basically things are living and breeding in it at unprecedented levels.

I can deal with the massive spiders, everyone gets those don't they? I admit to being slightly displeased about the one that ran past my lips and over my pillow at 4am this morning. I wasn't overly enamoured about the one that found its way into my wet hair via my (freshly laundered and folded) towel the other day either.

But we also seem to have a massive infestation of black beetles. They don't half make a racket as they scuttle across some paperwork or packets in the kitchen cupboards. They are making a tail across the carpet from the (listed and therefore untouchable) oak panelling

Then there's the slugs. They seem to apparate from every wall and skirting-board during the night leaving their silvery trails. I made the mistake of venturing downstairs in the small hours of the morning earlier in the week and I am not joking when I say there was a slug fir each kitchen floor tile.

We then move on to the rats in the attic. They are all dead now but before they partook in the (extremely fast acting) poison they seemed to be in training for the ratty Olympics. One pairing had a nest right above the toilet and would go wild every time someone flushed.

Then there's the flies because of the -billions of-- dead rats in the attic. I have fly strips in and they were all full within 24 hours and no noticable reduction in actual fly numbers.

Then there is the tiny deceased newt I found curled up in a gap between the carpet/doorframe/skirting board when vacuuming on Friday, and the very fat field mouse dead in the mouse trap in the cupboard next to the washing machine that houses the outlet pipe. Presumably looking for it's sadly deceased friends of weeks gone by.

I'm pretty much flinching at every single noise wondering what's going to scuttle across the floor in front of me.

Just needed to share... because I'm too scared to go to bed and close my eyes after hearing scuttling noises in the bedroom last night

Poor field mouse

Can you get a murderous cat? It might put off the beasties.

I was going to say with the sound of music!!

We have cats. They bring more wildlife into the house than they get rid of. I suspect one of them was probably initially responsible for the newt.

They are also supposed to be outside cats though, but they sneak in occasionally to sit in front of the Rayburn.

The beetles...they're not cockroaches are they? Or Death Watch beetles? Are your beams sound?

Flying beasties have been particularly bad this year. I was in a house on a dairy farm the other day and it was crawling with flies. You can't be off it really.

My sympathies. I always spare a thought for people who lived in thatched cottages before ceilings were invented when critters would fall straight onto your face.

If you remove the rats the flies might leave. If it was me I would have to set the house on fire because I can’t even handle one bluebottle. You can get someone in to deal with the Beetles and a cat in to deal with the mice.

Fuck me. I couldn't even..... nope. Burn it down.

I bet your flies are cluster flies. They head for old houses and live in the attics. I have to set off smoke bombs in September and April to keep them under control. You can get the stuff from amazon. I have put down ant powder under the carpets for the wood lice infestation too, that worked quickly.

Good lord I feel panicky just reading your post, OP. I would move.

I'm usually against killing any animal but dear God - I would be fumigating that house pronto!

I'd be fine with the spiders. But the rest ... < runs away, screaming>

The beetles aren't anything worrying. Just bog standard black beetles.

But it's reminded me that we need to sort out the woodworm we found when we took the carpet up.

It is a farmhouse on a farm, I am used to flies. This is a bluebottle apocalypse though.

No way am I going into the attic to retrieve maggoty rat carcasses. It will resolve itself eventually. Plus fuck knows what else might be living up there too.... I've never been up. DP has lived here for 30+ years and even he won't go up there. He just opened the (tiny, non adult human sized) hatch and flung armfuls of poison up when the rat problem started to keep everyone awake at night.

Use double sided duck tape instead of wallpaper and carpets then when everything stops moving simply get someone in to redecorate

🔥🔥🔥🔥
That is all.

I've been thinking about buying an old farmhouse. I might not think about it any more!

I forgot about the woodlice in the pantry. I left some wet washing in there a few weeks ago and forgot about it for 24 hours. That was unpleasant.

Can't burn it down. It's a million years old and made of 3ft thick stone walls.

Can't move. Stuck here until I die.

I couldn’t.

I just couldn’t.

You're just going to have gazillions of decomposing rat carcasses rotting away above your head? Ewweeee you're made of stronger stuff than me. Tbh the slugs would've finished me off .

This thread has made me feel significantly better about my mouse, spider, moth and ant population. They may be multiplying fast, but at least I have no decaying rats forming a habitat for bluebottles.

All of those pests hate peppermint oil. Buy the purest you can find and add 20 drops to a cup of water in a spray bottle. Spray into dark corners and anywhere you see them. It gives rats in particular a stinging sensation when they smell it. Also wipe a few drops around window and door frames. Copper wire electrocutes slugs and they hate WD40, it's too slippery for them. Sweet potato kills rats too.
You could also have peppermint plants in the house and garden to deterr them. Neem oil works brilliantly for any insects. It destabilises their nervous systems.
Be very carfeul if you have pets though as some oils are toxic for cats ane dogs. Good luck, I really dont know how you sleep with all that going on!

Are you the one MNetter who actually lives in a stately home?

I'd find it tough going.. One of these I could cope with.. All? No chance!

We had slugs in the house when we had a water leak under the floorboards. Soon as we sorted Ty he leak and the soil below dried out we never saw another one.

You have my total respect for actually living under those conditions.

I would probably move!

This is literally my life just now.

House is 350 years old, former part of estate of since demolished Manor House. In the middle of a couple of fields. Have presently got:

Spider Armageddon everywhere

Mice in the kitchen - three dead this week. One unretrievable without dismantling all of kitchen units. It will just have to stay there.

Two very cosy Rats in the outbuilding- they made a nest in the lawn mower bag 😫 waiting for the rat man to come and get them

Wood lice come as standard here- the front hall is their especially hangout, with their mates the millipedes.

There’s been Something living under the floor in the living room. Suspected rat but haven’t heard it for a few weeks so think maybe was the mice after all. Can’t take
floor up as keeping it down in the first place is a mission in and of itself.

Ladybirds. This is an ongoing issue- they plague me every few months for a couple of weeks. I go round squashing them, get the upper hand then.... bam. Back to square one.

Moths. As big as my hand. My toddler calls them “birdies”. Yup.

And then there’s the horses in the field that periodically come to watch tv with us.

Basically I live outdoors - just with a roof.

I feel you.