My house is alive.

[Scrowy]

For context It's a very, very, very old house. It has forgotten cellars and boarded up secret passageways and basically things are living and breeding in it at unprecedented levels.

I can deal with the massive spiders, everyone gets those don't they? I admit to being slightly displeased about the one that ran past my lips and over my pillow at 4am this morning. I wasn't overly enamoured about the one that found its way into my wet hair via my (freshly laundered and folded) towel the other day either.

But we also seem to have a massive infestation of black beetles. They don't half make a racket as they scuttle across some paperwork or packets in the kitchen cupboards. They are making a tail across the carpet from the (listed and therefore untouchable) oak panelling

Then there's the slugs. They seem to apparate from every wall and skirting-board during the night leaving their silvery trails. I made the mistake of venturing downstairs in the small hours of the morning earlier in the week and I am not joking when I say there was a slug fir each kitchen floor tile.

We then move on to the rats in the attic. They are all dead now but before they partook in the (extremely fast acting) poison they seemed to be in training for the ratty Olympics. One pairing had a nest right above the toilet and would go wild every time someone flushed.

Then there's the flies because of the -billions of-- dead rats in the attic. I have fly strips in and they were all full within 24 hours and no noticable reduction in actual fly numbers.

Then there is the tiny deceased newt I found curled up in a gap between the carpet/doorframe/skirting board when vacuuming on Friday, and the very fat field mouse dead in the mouse trap in the cupboard next to the washing machine that houses the outlet pipe. Presumably looking for it's sadly deceased friends of weeks gone by.

I'm pretty much flinching at every single noise wondering what's going to scuttle across the floor in front of me.

Just needed to share... because I'm too scared to go to bed and close my eyes after hearing scuttling noises in the bedroom last night

My house is alive
With the sound of beeeee-tles
And not of the kind
That you’d like to hear

My house is alive
With the sound of insects
My hand wants to slap every fly
Comes near.

My heart feels like silver that trails from the slugs on tiles
To the laundry, to the lounge
My heart wants to hate all the buzzing of flies
On the rats, on the scrounge…..

@themagicamulet

Not my horse(s) - although the baby tells all and sundry “I got three horrrrrrssss!”

say it out loud

I would have to abandon ship OP I really couldn't do it!

Cripes I've made it sound like a shithole but it really isn't. These things (apart from the flies) all come out at night, but during the day the house is the epitomy of the rural idyll. We have central heating, woodburners, secondary glazing, posh carpets etc. It's like an upmarket cosy country pub until the lights go out and it transforms into the house of horrors.

It's probably difficult to comprehend if you aren't used to extremely old rural farm houses, the additional house guests are unfortunately part of their fabric.

Jesus Christ OP I'd set a match to the
place - reading that has me itching

You must love your husband really a lot a lot a lot to be willing to tolerate all those critters.

Do you have silver fish at night on your kitchen counters?

You need to get a handyman to get into the attic and seal it properly. How listed are we talking? Grade 1 or 2? It's more difficult to update listed properties but not impossible, and no listed property should be in such a ?thriving? state. The insects and rodents will be causing damage and could be indicative of bigger structural problems down the line. I'd phone up your LA's conservation officer ASAP and ask what limits are on your building; they might be able to come out and see the problem in person.

In the meantime, get the fumigators in to get rid of the current incumbents. That'll clear it out nicely.

I think DP and I are probably both more capable than the average 'handyman'. But that's farmers for you, jack of all trades...

Considering the main body of the house is at least 400 years old ( a 'modern' extention was added some time in the 1800s) it seems to have survived so far without the intervention modern fumigation techniques. Structurally it's interesting, but as sound as it could be all things considered.

There's nothing to see. It's an old house and home to many residents.