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Original poster

Awful lunch with Dsis she wants to come back

103 replies

BrokeLuce · 09/09/2018 19:31

A few weeks ago I had a text from my DSis saying 'Did I tell you that we are coming round for lunch on Saturday?', I replied no, asking her what she meant. She then responded with 'Shit, I told someone but I guess it wasn't you. We'll see you on Saturday.' DH and I have just moved house and we have a four month old so I was a little annoyed that she was trying to come round as she knows our house is a mess and we're knackered but her living situation is delicate. Her and her DP live with their child in his parents' home but his parents are very keen for them to leave. She agrees to arrive at 1pm.

DH and I prepare lunch to be served at 1pm and I'm texting my DSis about other stuff over the morning and she's responding. At 12:45pm I text and check where they are and she says they haven't left yet. So I asked her why she didn't tell me that they hadn't left at 11am (it's a two hour drive) like she said they would. She says her DP wouldn't get dressed. At this point my DH is annoyed and says tell them not to bother to come as he doesn't want to wait another two hours to eat lunch. I politely suggest that we rearrange as the food is done and won't be very nice once they arrive but she says they can't rearrange as her boyfriend will start an argument about it. I repeat that we are hungry and had they said they would be late we would have held off cooking. She reads the message and doesn't respond. They turn up at 3pm, without my nephew.

We eat and it's fine. I apologise for a certain part of the meal as it's slightly overdone. I attempted to reheat the food once they arrived and inevitably it dried the meat slightly. My DSis responds 'Don't worry this is why we don't let you cook Christmas dinner'. I couldn't believe it. I don't do many things well but food is my thing. I cook and host really well and despite my ugly flat I always have people asking to come round for dinner because I cook well. My DSis once made Christmas dinner and it was completely inedible and some of our guests refused to eat her cooking but no-one directly says these things to her. I replied that the food was perfectly fine to eat at 12pm and she doesn't respond.

At 6pm I tell my sister that my DD usually goes up to bed at 7pm and we go up with her as she's under six months. She asks if I'm trying to get rid of her and I say no but we need to get to bed, DH and I have been up since 5am. Her and her DP stay until 8pm.

She's now asking to come round again for lunch and has requested a specific menu. Can you help me phrase a polite response?

OP posts:

Blameanamechange · 09/09/2018 20:57

If you are the scapegoat in the family then turn it around by being assertive. Realise you don't want to fall out but be a bit tougher.

keyboardkate · 09/09/2018 21:00

I would not reply to requests to visit/have lunch for a while.

I know it is not easy, but some people just do not understand NO, and many hosts are far too kind to say that word also. It is manipulation IMV.

Blank for a while if you can. They are adults, but act like children.

Giraffey1 · 09/09/2018 21:07

Sis, I’m rather surprised you want to visit us again, given that you invited yourself last time, arrived late, criticised the food, stayed on even though we’d tried to tactfully tell you how tired we were and didn’t even say thank you. And now you want to invite yourself again - and even want to dictate the menu!

I don’t think you coming here again is a good idea, do you?

Then suggest, if we want to keep the door open, that you meet somewhere halfway in a few months time, once you’ve got yourself settled and they’ve got themselves sorted out with a new home.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General food

MortyVicar · 09/09/2018 21:11

You have a new house
She's started inviting herself round
Her DP's parents are making it very clear they want sis and DP out

You don't think she's got the idea that you'll let them move in with you, do you???

Nubbled · 09/09/2018 21:12

“It’s your turn to host” should do it.
If she says she can’t due to in-laws then say “xxxx cafe will do fine”

LeftRightCentre · 09/09/2018 21:16

So then let her walk all over you. If you won't tell her 'No, I'm not running a restaurant,' then that's what you'll get. You show people how to treat you.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 09/09/2018 21:17

Dear sis: ‘I can see what’s in it for you, but what’s in it for me?... yeah, I’ll be seeing you at Christmas, take care xx’

I think I’m the same sister in my family BrokeLuce - I’ve gone low contact as I got sick of being used, being the butt of their jokes, with no gratitude for the help I gave them (which is rarely reciprocated). If I stood up for myself I was made out to be difficult and they’d get the rest of the family involved to point this out to me. Even DH noticed that after meeting up with them I’d be really stressed out and upset for the rest of the evening afterwards. I was mindful of the pattern and he was right, it was shit for my self esteem so now I keep contact to a minimum.

Keep it to small doses and on your terms OP. Good luck

LuluJakey1 · 09/09/2018 21:17

'We are still sorting the house out. It is not convenient at the moment. Perhaps in the New Year once the holidays are over and things have settled down- I'll see what we can manage then and be in touch.'

lottiegarbanzo · 09/09/2018 21:18

'No, we'd rather not thanks'. (I am increasingly a fan of saying 'no thanks' when people ask things of me I don't wish to do, as if they were offering me something I might want. It amuses me).

You can always arrange to meet up somewhere instead. Then you're free to leave and go home when you want to, which is a big plus.

You all seem to be tiptoeing around her boyfriend. Why? Who gives a stuff if he'd 'start an argument'? Especially so when he's the one causing the delay. Why can't your sis come out on time and leave him to argue with himself, if he can't be bothered to get dressed? You, your DP and your DSIS have to pretend nothing is wrong or odd about them being 2 hours late for lunch, so you don't offend him? Why? Why are you all scared of him? Why are you all facilitating his bullying, unreasonable anger, extreme disorganisation or whatever it is?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 09/09/2018 21:20

Yeah I think MortyVicar has a good point - are they checking the place out and trying to worm their way into your lives as an opportunity to move in? 😬

LizzieMacQueen · 09/09/2018 21:22

So neither your sister or her partner works?

LizzieMacQueen · 09/09/2018 21:23

Not that that's bad but bit odd that they can't get to yours when they said they would.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/09/2018 21:27

p.s. next time they say 'are you trying to get rid of us?' the answer is 'yes'!

It's perfectly fine to end a visit by doing a big yawn and saying something like 'ok, well, it's our bedtime now, lovely to have seen you' and standing up. There's no point tiptoeing around people who are cheeky, lazy or insensitive to clues or hints.

Original poster

BrokeLuce · 09/09/2018 21:34

'Thankfully' our new home is quite small and in an undesirable location (it was all we could afford) so no chance of them moving in. DH would leave me if I let that happen.

I do understand that people can only treat you the way you let them, I'm just very bad at dealing with people when I think they are angry at me. It gives me sleepless nights, I don't stop going over it in my head etc. Even some of the sharper responses in this thread triggered my flight response, my mother was a very angry woman. I know it's a poor example for my DD and I would feel like I failed if she turned out like me. I'm also a bit of a coward in my professional life and it has cost me quite a bit. I don't want to be like this.

I texted back 'no, we're not up to hosting. Got so much to sort out with the house'. Which is true as we've had painters in this month. I hope this isn't a drip feed but she's pregnant again so I want to support her. We will be going up to hers for a gender reveal and then again for a baby shower (yes, I know) so I'll use that if she comes back.

I'm going to copy this thread so I have it to look at for my weak moments.

OP posts:

llangennith · 09/09/2018 21:41

I understand your need for family but as your DD gets older and you meet other parents in the park, at nursery, at school, you'll make good friends who will replace crap family.
Don't put up with being treated badly a moment longer.

Original poster

BrokeLuce · 09/09/2018 21:42

Sorry, I'm typing very slowly as I have a sleepy baby giving me a dead arm. My sister doesn't drive so her DP drives her everywhere. She will not go anywhere if she is not driven. He is unbelievably disorganised but it gets worse if he doesn't want to do something. He didn't want to come and I said this to DS but she said that she did so they were going. They arrived and we all just pretended like they weren't late. They didn't apologise or say thank you for the meal or drink.

Her DP works three days for his DM's company but won't increase his hours. My DSis works but very sporadically. I'm not sure how but she's regularly in London shopping during her work hours. She talks about her mat pay so someone is paying her.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 09/09/2018 21:45

How can someone be 'angry with you' when they're the one messing you around? You need to learn to feel engaer yourself and to express it, reasonably.

How does your DH feel about all this? About the two of you eating lunch two hours late so as not to upset some silly man-child who won't get dressed?

Were I you, given you knew they were going to be so very, very late, we'd have eaten ours at one and they could have had what was left at 3pm, when I'd have sat and talked to them. They couldn't have been offended that you two were hungry at lunch time.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/09/2018 21:45

anger not engaer of course!

Gemini69 · 09/09/2018 21:53

well done for saying NO.... you need to look in the mirror and simply practice saying it more often.. as others have said... No is a complete sentence...

You don't think she's got the idea that you'll let them move in with you, do you???

this crossed my mind too

lottiegarbanzo · 09/09/2018 21:54

So somehow you all felt embarrassed that her DP didn't want to see you, so you put on an act, effectively pretending it was two hours earlier than it was, to save face?

Again, you and your DH seem to be complicit with your DSIS in placating a manipulative man-child and bully. Or, in giving your DSIS power over all three of you. Or some weird combination of the two.

ChasedByBees · 09/09/2018 21:55

I think you should have used the reply by @LeftRightCentre. She’s behaving really badly towards you.

She's your sister, not your boss. 'You invited yourself over, showed up hours late, slagged off what was offered, wouldn't leave when I told you we needed to go to bed and now you expect me to be your personal restaurant? Are you for real? LOL. NO.' Stop letting her treat you like shit.

sourpatchkid · 09/09/2018 22:00

You're doing really well OP, that was a good text response.

As an aside - download TV apps to your phone and get headphones. I go up when Baby does too - tv in bed with headphones makes it much easier!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/09/2018 22:04

You sound lovely OP !🌸
Just remain firm, and all will be well, if she detects weakness, she'll be on it.

timeisnotaline · 09/09/2018 22:05

Well done for saying no op. It’s a start :)

Graphista · 09/09/2018 22:15

Yea I think you need to be on guard about them trying to move in with you! My sister did that to me twice!

Sounds like you were and still are the scapegoat. You might benefit from deeper discussion and reading on the "stately homes" thread on here and

outofthefog.website

You might also find YouTube assertiveness tutorials useful.

"So then let her walk all over you. If you won't tell her 'No, I'm not running a restaurant,' then that's what you'll get. You show people how to treat you." 🙄there speaks someone with no understanding of or empathy for toxic family dynamics.

Your "stuff" aside op, wtf they thinking having another child when neither has meaningful employment and can't even put a roof over first child's head?!

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