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Original poster

Please help. Im pregnant and partner is out of control

64 replies

TerribleMess · 07/09/2018 09:01

Posting in chat so this disappears. Me and my partner are early 30s and expecting our first child, im four months pregnant.

DP has always been hot headed but he’s never lost his temper around me. I’ve known he has had issues at work previously (works on a building site) where he’s been pulled up for being argumentative and aggressive. I also know he’s lost jobs in the past because of his anger. Yesterday he did something terrible. He lost his temper at a colleague who was goading him and then became violent. He was removed from the premises, has been suspended and has been told there is a likelihood of police involvement. He is saying he is concerned he has mental health issues and thinks there is ‘something wrong with him.’

My gut reaction is to leave him. I know it sounds harsh but knowing what he did (and I’ve had to leave some details out as it will be too outing otherwise) makes me concerned that he may lash out at me or our baby in future. Is this an over reaction?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/09/2018 09:03

Run for the hills, love

Evidencebased · 07/09/2018 09:03

It's YOUR reaction.
Trust your own reaction.

MaryandMichael · 07/09/2018 09:05

Run.

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Singlenotsingle · 07/09/2018 09:06

He needs anger management. Has he ever been angry at home?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/09/2018 09:07

Trust your gut.

If he takes steps to address his anger, he can work towards a relationship with his child and even towards resetting things with you in the future. But that has to be done from a distance. At 4 months pg you have time to get things sorted for you and baby, I wouldn't hesitate.

Good luck and I'm sorry this has happened.

zen1 · 07/09/2018 09:07

Not an over-reaction. Do you want to spend your life at best living on tenterhooks in case he does lash out or at worst, living with the consequences of a violent, abusive partner?

1travellight · 07/09/2018 09:11

He is saying he is concerned he has mental health issues and thinks there is ‘something wrong with him.’

It sounds as if he is working on his defence already.

Without wishing to be harsh, consider if you want to continue with this pregnancy. You will be tied to a violent man for the next 18 years & may not be able to control his access to the child.

Trust your instincts and get out.

Mouseville65 · 07/09/2018 09:13

Only you know what he has done so it would be very difficult for us to advise you but you have to trust your gut, if you feel you or your baby is in danger you must leave.

I'd be very concerned if he is already setting a Precursor of 'something is wrong with me' - that's screams he cannot control it.

That said my DP had anger issues, similarly never at me but at work or when drinking he would regularly lose his temper. I wasn't comfortable with this and gave him an ultimatum - anger counselling or me. He went to counselling which was very difficult at first but my DP has confronted his demons and learnt to communicate his frustrations and the anger is no longer an issue.

stressedtiredbuthappy · 07/09/2018 09:15

Your gut says leave, leave.
Are you married?

0ccamsRazor · 07/09/2018 09:21

He is aggressive and abusive, a powder keg waiting to go off.

Do you want to be tied to such a person?

Original poster
TerribleMess · 07/09/2018 09:22

Thank you all for your replies. He’s never been violent towards me or at home, it has always been at work or on occasions when he’s been out and had too much to drink.

The thing that made my blood run cold (and this is what makes this potentially outing) is that he grabbed a sharp object near him yesterday and was about to attack the other person with it but someone intervened and managed to get it off him. I’m appalled that he was violent and aggressive at work full stop but the fact he grabbed something to use as a weapon just makes me feel sick, it’s like his anger has escalated to another level. I keep thinking, what if he’d seriously injured or killed the other person? Knowing that I share a home and am expecting a baby with someone who has behaved like that makes me feel sick.

He is at home today and he keeps calling me every 30 minutes when I’m at work to make sure I’m not leaving him. He said what he did yesterday was a wake up call and he’ll sort himself out but in all honesty I think it’s too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
TerribleMess · 07/09/2018 09:22

stressed No, not married

OP posts:
ClemDanfango · 07/09/2018 09:29

I wouldnt be able to live with someone so volatile, what will he be like when he’s sleep deprived with a newborn baby? All the issues that come with having a new baby can test the patience of the most laid back parent, can you really risk the reaction of a violent man in that situation?
Hold on to those sick feelings you have, your instincts are trying to protect you and your child, listen to them.

MycatsaPirate · 07/09/2018 09:35

Please don't stay with him.

Haworthia · 07/09/2018 09:38

He is dangerous, unpredictable and evidently capable of serious violence. You’ll never feel safe with him.

Just think how he could flip when a child enters his life. When he’s exhausted and the baby won’t stop crying, when the baby is a tantrumming toddler, when the baby grows up and answers back?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 07/09/2018 09:38

Run. Like. Fuck.

Would you swim with a shark, or walk under an avalanche slope? This man is an objective danger, about which you can do nothing except remove yourself.

Flyme21 · 07/09/2018 09:39

End it now. That loss of self control could happen when you're alone with him and nobody to help.

Mayhemmumma · 07/09/2018 09:39

Protect yourself and protect your baby. Leave.

Flyme21 · 07/09/2018 09:40

p.s. and calling you every 30 minutes at work is harassing you and shows you who he is, if you didn't already know.

justchangingagain · 07/09/2018 09:43

Agree with pp, plus it sounds like he won't be able to hold onto a job if he carries onlike this.
A volitile person with a new baby and lack of money is not a future I would want.

Pavlova31 · 07/09/2018 09:48

Indeed this is harassment. Op please leave him for you and your child's sake. Just leave 💐

Allthatsnot · 07/09/2018 09:51

You have to trust your instincts here, this is a man you love and care for but you know he is unpredicatable and it scares you. Would you ever trust him to be left alone with your baby?
If the police are involved is it possible this could be flagged to SS? If he has a history of violent behaviour I think you need to be seen to do the right thing to protect you and the baby.

negomi90 · 07/09/2018 09:55

He's started with the abuse on you already. Calling you every 30mins to check you're not leaving him, is emotional abuse.
Please leave, and be prepared for the blame about kicking him while he's down.
Use your time at work today (stay late if you need to) to separate finances, find somewhere safe to stay for the weekend and update your midwife so she can do a social services referral. Social services won't want a violent man around a pregnant woman/baby. Be proactive now and they will support you in leaving, instead of contemplating removing the child.

Urbanbeetler · 07/09/2018 09:55

I agree with the others but also wanted to warn you that chat threads no longer disappear after a certain length of time. I think you’d have to ask for a deletion if you wanted this to go away.

Good luck, whatever course of action you decide on Flowers

53rdWay · 07/09/2018 09:57

Leave, leave leave leave.

If he really had a wakeup call and really understood how badly he’d acted, he’d be telling you to do what you needed to do.