Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Please help. Im pregnant and partner is out of control

64 replies

TerribleMess · 07/09/2018 09:01

Posting in chat so this disappears. Me and my partner are early 30s and expecting our first child, im four months pregnant.

DP has always been hot headed but he’s never lost his temper around me. I’ve known he has had issues at work previously (works on a building site) where he’s been pulled up for being argumentative and aggressive. I also know he’s lost jobs in the past because of his anger. Yesterday he did something terrible. He lost his temper at a colleague who was goading him and then became violent. He was removed from the premises, has been suspended and has been told there is a likelihood of police involvement. He is saying he is concerned he has mental health issues and thinks there is ‘something wrong with him.’

My gut reaction is to leave him. I know it sounds harsh but knowing what he did (and I’ve had to leave some details out as it will be too outing otherwise) makes me concerned that he may lash out at me or our baby in future. Is this an over reaction?

OP posts:
CormoranStrike · 07/09/2018 10:01

LeVe him. Sorry, if not for your sake do it for your baby.

SmellMyBeads · 07/09/2018 10:04

I really feel for you. What a horrible thing to happen.

I really do think you need to leave him. What happens when baby arrives and you're both sleep deprived and add a screaming baby to the mix, what would he do?

Hotchocolate86 · 07/09/2018 10:06

Sorry I don’t have any advice but chat threads don’t disappear any more. You might want to ask for this to be moved or deleted.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/3338581-MNHQ-here-removing-the-90-day-limit-on-Chat-threads

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2nd trimester Families General pregnancy Relationship problems
madeoficecream · 07/09/2018 10:06

You at the very least need to leave him whilst he sorts himself out. Theres too much risk to you and your baby. I dont know why he expects you to stick around to be honest... id he really cared about you and the baby he would leave to work on his problems... not put you at risk like this. Having a newborn is very very stressful... and they are very fragile.
Its not safe for him to be with you if his behaviour is escalating like this... it doesnt matter whether he is going to get help or not. The fact of the matter is he hasnt gotten help yet and so you are in danger from him.

This must be so awful for you Flowers

YourHandInMyHand · 07/09/2018 10:13

I'm at a similar stage of pregnancy but not my first child.

As another poster said that first year with a baby is such an adjustment and being tired and adjusting to your first priority being a tiny baby's needs is a massive challenge for even those who are laid back.

Given he has a history of losing his temper and losing jobs over it, in your shoes I would separate. He needs to work on his anger issues and you need to focus on raising a baby without a volatile man in the background who you know has the potential to be very violent and aggressive. You both have different things you need to prioritise right now. The picking up a sharp weapon made my blood run cold too.

You're not over reacting or being unkind.

Oh and he's being a twat ringing you every half hour at work when you are stressed, pregnant, in emotional turmoil AND working. That in itself tells me a lot about him. It's all about him isn't it. Hmm

ifonly4 · 07/09/2018 10:26

If you've got alarm bells ringing then you are right to question your future. I'd question how he's going to cope with lack of sleep, extra demands placed on you both with a baby to look after. Also, moving forward a few years, hopefully he's treating you both right, but if he hasn't dealt with issues, your child will start to pick up on what's happening and it's knowing how to deal with that, ie you want to show your child that behaviour isn't acceptable but then you almost crossing your partner.

TomHardysNextWife · 07/09/2018 10:27

Your gut instinct is already protecting your baby.

I'd get out now, and give him time to sort out professional help. If and only if he does get this, you may have a chance of a future but right now, you have to protect yourself and your baby.

That level of violence isn't normal Flowers

Hoppinggreen · 07/09/2018 10:29

My DH is very calm and rarely loses his temper but when we had dd and we were both sleep deprived and adjusting to things we were both a lot more volatile - I doubt having a baby calms anyone down.
Quite aside from the danger to you and your baby if he is convicted of a violent offence it’s possible that’s SS May take an interest in your baby.
I’m not trying to frighten you but I imagine they may note if a baby is in a house where someone with a conviction for violence is living, especially if a sharp object was involved
Yes he should get help and maybe he can get his issues under control but it sounds like he is already minimising and making excuses and calling you all day checking that you aren’t going to leave him sounds a bit controlling

Talith · 07/09/2018 10:29

Small babies tend to put parents under stress and tempers do fray when you're both tired. It sounds as if the safest thing to do is for you to be away from him.

If he can pick up a knife and threaten a colleague imagine if he does it to you when you're holding your baby? In a moment you could both be dead.

If he's in any way reasonable he will see that his unpredictable temper isn't compatible with a close relationship or safe parenting. He needs to go and sort himself out. Now. He'll have a long way to go to prove he can be trusted to manage his outbursts.

SilentHeadphones · 07/09/2018 10:30

it has always been at work or on occasions when he’s been out and had too much to drink.

Always been at work. Except that now he's lost his job. So he won't be out at work, he'll be home.

YourHandInMyHand · 07/09/2018 10:42

The fact that he hasn't been violent at home so far is irrelevant in my view. He's reacted with violence and aggression in challenging emotional situations. That is his response.

My ex partner although never physically violent to me was described by a women's aid worker as "abusive in every other possible way" and offered me a place in a refuge on the spot. I'd been with him 4 and a half years before I got pregnant and up to that point I didn't have any concerns about our relationship.

A lot of men show their true colours to their partners during pregnancy. It is a time when the focus is off of them and all on mum and baby. There are often stresses and strains looming and things are more emotional. Then when baby arrives and is crying, up at night, mum has no energy for partner, etc things worsen.

This man may never raise a hand to the OP and/or her child, but she will always know he is capable of snapping in a moment and becoming extremely violent and a danger to her and her child.

The fact he's already pushing her feelings and emotions to one side constantly calling her with his own demands and feelings every half an hour is very telling. I wonder if he has made a similar amount of calls to local services eg anger management counselling, support groups, therapy services, etc. Hmm That is what a man who was genuinely mortified and actively trying to change and reassure their partner would do isn't it.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 07/09/2018 10:55

Run now before your baby is here. Keep it safe.

Original poster
TerribleMess · 07/09/2018 11:55

You are all so right, I cannot stay with someone who is capable of such violence. It would be like living with a ticking time bomb. Knowing what he did yesterday has really disturbed me.

He is still continuing to call me but he is starting to lose patience now. He’s whining that if I loved him I’d support him and that I’m using this as an excuse to leave him. I’ve told him I can’t speak to him anymore as I’m trying to work.

OP posts:
EggMayonnaise · 07/09/2018 12:02

Why has he decided to seek help now rather than as a result of the previous incidents? He's even lost a job before because of anger yet he didn't get help then?

That indicates to me that he's not that bothered, he's only saying now as a way of manipulating you into staying with him.

EggMayonnaise · 07/09/2018 12:03

Flip it back at him, if he loved you he wouldn't have attacked somebody and jeopardised your relationship.

FogCutter · 07/09/2018 12:06

I won't add any comments because it looks like you plan to leave him.

Just wanted to say good luck and best wishes to you and your baby, you are doing the right thing even if it is heartbreaking for you and I can't imagine he will make it easy for you.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2018 12:09

Keep him at arms length and the whining will soon turn to anger.

You know the true measure of this man and if uou stay with him you will come to regret it

JoeElliotsMullet · 07/09/2018 12:17

Run, and don't look back. Protect yourself and your baby.

JoeElliotsMullet · 07/09/2018 12:20

Meant to say also, don't stay with him just to see if your gut was right. It's easier to leave at 4 months pregnant than it is with a newborn. you've got 4 months to get yourself away from him and sorted before your baby arrives (I say four months because you will spend the last few weeks of pregnancy trying to get comfortable and going to the loo every ten seconds). Do it now before he turns on you and before you have a baby in your arms.

juneau · 07/09/2018 12:23

So he's manipulating you and trying to control you now as well (I'm referring to his phone calls every 30 mins, bothering you at work and pestering you not to leave him). OP trust your gut instinct - that's what it's there for. It's been honed by millennia of human development and it's telling you this man is dangerous (which he clearly is), and to protect yourself and your baby. It does indeed sound like he has a serious anger management problem and he could go to prison for what he did yesterday. Get out, while you still can, and I'd also get a restraining order against him.

SilentHeadphones · 07/09/2018 12:43

Do you have somewhere safe to go tonight?

ProseccoPoppy · 07/09/2018 12:55

Please tell your boss or a colleague you trust. One of my friends at work took her secretary home with her for the weekend when the secretary was in a (scarily) similar situation to yours. My friend’s DH (ex rugby player) and his brother went and collected stuff from her house so she didn’t have to deal with her horrible ex. Any of us would happily have helped in that sort of scenario.

Good luck - and it’s brilliant that you are getting out now and giving your baby the best possible start. Flowers

Haworthia · 07/09/2018 13:49

He’s whining that if I loved him I’d support him and that I’m using this as an excuse to leave him

This is worrying on several levels. He’s refusing to acknowledge the seriousness of his actions, and trying to paint you as the bad guy. I think he’s going to get very, very angry when you tell him it’s over. I think he’s going to up the harassment as well.

Please don’t go back to him so he’ll calm down.

Please make sure you have people around you who can keep you safe this weekend.

MulticolourMophead · 07/09/2018 14:01

He’s whining that if I loved him I’d support him and that I’m using this as an excuse to leave him.

Classic abuser manipulation. "If you loved me, you'd do X,Y, Z", but no mention of what they would do for you to show they love you.

QueenOfCatan · 07/09/2018 14:17

I can only echo the others, run for the hills now before the baby arrives.

Swipe left for the next trending thread