Dd just started high school. Possible bullying/harassment already! Go in now or wait and see?

[NewDirectionNeeded]

Hi,

My dd started this week and we always worried she was a big target for bullies.

She wasn't exactly bullied in primary, but you could argue she was in the form of exclusion. She was basically ignored most of the time.

She's actually been excited about starting high school and loves learning, but she finds socialising very challenging and does come across as very immature in that way.

She has days where she just seems a bit quirky and days where she really stands out as very different.

Anyway, each lunch time so far, she's told me that a group of older boys have come over to her saying they're going to "smash her"and are just generally not being very nice.

My initial thought was to tool her up with extra confidence and to completely ignore them so they get bored and stop, but this morning she's walking to school and is talking to me on the phone and says that they're behind her saying the same thing! I was furious and my initial reaction was to call the school straight away. The route is very open and busy, but I still chat to her on the way there, as she's not very street wise and letting her walk alone is a big step, but now I feel I can't let her if this is happening.

Part of me thinks just hold off, rather than go off with all guns blazing, as it could just fizzle out. I don't want to make anything worse.

I'm so stuck. Should I call the school?

Thanks

Maybe the other girl is a genuinely decent girl who realised she had been a bit unkind and wants to apologise ?

After all she’s just trying to find her way at high achoo as well.

I hope your Dd has a better week, makes some new friends, tries some new clubs etc.

Rosemary, maybe, but then dd called me at lunch and said that she spoke to her this morning, kind of undercover and actually told her to stop talking to her when her other 'cooler' friend came over. That's not good for anyone's self esteem is it! I don't think this girl is nasty necessarily, but it's still nasty behaviour and I'm hoping dd will listen when I explain that it would be better not to have her as a friend at all, rather than have her as a friend in secret

Oh and thank you. Me too.

Oh dear that’s not good.
Is she going to some after school / lunchtime clubs to try and meet new people ? she just needs to find her tribe of other non cool kids who will be proud to be her friend .

My god this is horrendous I’m so sad for you and your dd.

My dd is exactly the same and is really struggling.

Is there a FB group for the Year 7’s? We have one at our school and I put a post up last week asking if anyone else’s child was having problems adapting. I got a few answers and some kids have made a point of saying hi to dd after that.

Problem is she doesn’t know how to follow it up and make friends. She is extremely awkward socially. I have been in touch with the inclusion head and there are some clubs that she can join. One of them is a club in the library for kids to get to know each other is there anything like that?

Rosemary, there are a lot of clubs fortunately, but she's still deciding which ones she'd like to join.

Namechanger, I'm really sorry to hear your dd is struggling too. It's awful to see isn't it.

What interests does your dd have?

She likes Harry Potter unfortunately someone laughed at her today because she has a Hufflepuff bag. I told her to be proud.

Awwww I'm so sorry for your dd.

My ds has autism and finds socialising so hard and kids seem to note he's an easy target from a distance

His school call the room student services and they have something called 'big space'

The big space basically has a load of games and kids that need somewhere to feel safe go there and teachers support interactions and encourage card games etc.
Ds spent an emourmous amount of time playing uno for his first few years at school and then I use to buy him those games pads from the works (with dots, hangman etc) and he'd ask kids to play with him.

I'm not going to lie it was a long slow process but suddenly something clicked and he made some really good friends that just accept him as he is and also stand up for him which is important.

The school are on board which is great.
Hopefully she'll decide what club to join soon and will meet like minded people. Clubs usually run lunch as well as afterschool for those kids that need it.

Namechanger, it's just ridiculous isn't it. I hope your dd continues to wear the bag.

Thanks for that, youare. I don't expect it to be a quick or easy journey, but hearing how your DS has finally found his people really does give me hope. Really pleased for him and for you.

I could tell you some of my time at high school as a girl with AS if that'd help.
I soon became isolated and didn't have many friends and some who were just turned on me - I suspect in hindsight it was because I was not cool enough to be seen with them.
It made me more of a solitary person so soon I pretty much wrote off my peer group - I figured by not actually being antisocial and focusing on my studies and what I found interesting - physics, graphic art, science fiction. Yes it meant I was social cancer but the thing about being at the bottom of the social pile is that you can do what you want - so I did. This no doubt infuriated people but I sort of got off on that in a weird way - I knew that the threats of me being single and never having a boyfriend couldn't stick because I didn't attach any importance to it - after all there is so much you can't do if you are still dating at school. Still had a lot of hostility from my peer group, particularly boys. It was as if they thought ANY attention payed to me I should beg them for more? But why would I want more sexual harrasment - I suspect that's what DOES pass for courtship and the depressing thing was that it worked a lot. I know I am rambling but it was sourly amusing to think they were deluded enough to think that as someone so ugly and socially stupid doesn't have the right to think as highly as myself as I did.
But there were a few people who were OK - ironically the genuine popular kids that both the teachers and much of the peer group like who got to respect my intellect. The hostility started to die away a little as some people got bored but I would be lying if I said it wasn't a long road.
The most important thing is to ensure she has strong self assurance and a strong sense of identity - I was always intending to be a research scientist and now I am one. Encourage her to build on the physical and creative aspects of her interests - I found martial arts helped me with the physical and give me the skills to focus. I think you are doing the right things for now - she knows you have her back.

Friendships change dramatically during the first couple of weeks at High School while they all find their feet and find the “right” crowd for them, so I wouldn’t worry too much about the new friend now not being friends with her.

However, definitely contact School about the older boys as that is in no way acceptable at all. Doesn’t sound sexual to me, it’s just aggressive and unacceptable. Hope the school get on to it ASAP

My heart broke for your wee girl reading this. I hope she has a better day today.

Just sending some good wishes. School can be very, very tough and kids can be complete assholes to each other.

I’d have been tempted to go down there then and there and give them a smack
In the head, but of course that probably wouldn’t help your dd so fed report it to the school sorry your dd is going through this

Could younperhos try n support her in making a new friend or two like let her invite on round or out somewhere nice like Vienna or something

Cinema no Vienna

Also what does it mean if boys say they wanna smash someone

Hi, just wanted to update..

So the meeting went quite well I think. They've now identified the year 9 boys and they're being dealt with. I explained my concerns about the 'SN room' and was assured it was just somewhere they've made her aware of that she could go, rather than encouraged to go iyswim.

Dd seems to be in a good place the past couple of days, so keeping everything crossed that it continues!

That sounds positive! Hope she continues to be OK.

spider, thank you.

Oh good I’m glad they’re doing something! Hope your dd continues to feel safe and happy and that she finds clubs and friends to stay with.
Re the SN room, my ds goes to a place called learning support every lunchtime with his disabled friend and he’s really glad not to have go outside. Before that he would go to the library. He has a like minded group of friends fortunately. They have fun in there playing games etc. It would be interesting to know what exactly goes on in this SN room!

I'm glad they seem to be doing something but don't let this drop. With respect to your daughter, it is best to tell her not to worry since most people are overwhelmed and are trying to make new friends. It really is better to have no friends then simply have 'friends' who aren't friends but who tolerate your presence, which seemed to be the case for many.

How is your daughter now OP? Hope that things have improved this week.