Dd just started high school. Possible bullying/harassment already! Go in now or wait and see?

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Hi,

My dd started this week and we always worried she was a big target for bullies.

She wasn't exactly bullied in primary, but you could argue she was in the form of exclusion. She was basically ignored most of the time.

She's actually been excited about starting high school and loves learning, but she finds socialising very challenging and does come across as very immature in that way.

She has days where she just seems a bit quirky and days where she really stands out as very different.

Anyway, each lunch time so far, she's told me that a group of older boys have come over to her saying they're going to "smash her"and are just generally not being very nice.

My initial thought was to tool her up with extra confidence and to completely ignore them so they get bored and stop, but this morning she's walking to school and is talking to me on the phone and says that they're behind her saying the same thing! I was furious and my initial reaction was to call the school straight away. The route is very open and busy, but I still chat to her on the way there, as she's not very street wise and letting her walk alone is a big step, but now I feel I can't let her if this is happening.

Part of me thinks just hold off, rather than go off with all guns blazing, as it could just fizzle out. I don't want to make anything worse.

I'm so stuck. Should I call the school?

Thanks

Your poor dd. That’s absolutely awful behaviour from the boys I hope the school deal with it properly. So sorry to hear she’s having a hard time with friends. My dd is struggling too with bitchiness in her group and I’m sure I’m far more upset than she is!
When you speak to someone I would ask them what provision they have for children staying in at lunch- there are often clubs to join or a library to go to so she doesn’t have to just be on her own at lunchtime and can keep busy. Then it’s just lessons and work and then home.

Update- apparently those boys are now saying she sounds stupid (she has an unusual way of talking, especially when anxious and has developed a bit of a stammer) It was bloody heartbreaking to hear her describe what they'd said and how they'd said it, with these massive tears in her eyes. Her body language is just sad.

She's now in her room, just having some space. I'm downstairs bloody crying again. I almost physically hurt for her.

Please do keep updating the school. Preferably email so you have a written record.

Email school straight away or call and leave message for ft again. This is outrageous.

My dd has autism and in year 7 some older boys , year 9s, tried to have a go, fortunately for dd her big brother was year 12 at the time and just picked up the year 9s as they surrounded her and frog marched them to the deputy head with the words. “ Be grateful I’m taking you to him and not sorting you out myself !! “ Not that I condoned such actions but it put dd on the radar and staff watched her and helped her make friends in specialist lunchtime groups. Hopefully your dds school will be able to do similar.

Please tell the school. Little shits like this need sorting out. Not by any means within the acceptable range of "banter".

Why on earth haven’t the school phoned you back yet? Poor child.

Aunt, I wish my dd had a big brother or cousin to look out for her, but she doesn't have anyone.

Just been having a chat with her. She's obviously really upset and said that she doesn't understand why everyone else makes friends and just talk to each other, but she can't. She said she tries really hard, but it never works.

When you have a meeting with her form tutor, it may be worth asking whether there are places she can go at break and lunch times, if it’s difficult for her around the school. I say this as a former SENCo, who opened the department to ‘vulnerable’ children at lunchtimes. Usually they were students with ASD and it didn’t necessarily help them to make friends, but it did allow them to feel safe, away from the hurly burly of the outside areas.

It’s an unfortunate thing that many children fix on others that they regard as different in some way and they can be very cruel. I don’t know whether your daughter has ASD, but you have described her different way of speaking and other things and they’ve picked up on that. Year 7 are fresh meet to them, but you have done the right thing is alerting the school quickly and arranging a meeting.

Schools can be harsh places. You can have all the anti bullying policies in the world, but there will be some who simply don’t acknowledge them. Hopefully, you’ve alerted school quickly and can nip it in the bud. If they’re older boys, my guess would be that it’s not the first time they e done this and I bet they’re on the school radar.

Foxy, I know her school do have places like this, but it was a horrible, dark room. It was called the SN room. I'm sorry, but WTF?! That to me sounds like blatant segregation. Yes, of course safe spaces are needed, but don't call them that and maybe make them look less like underground prisons.

There are groups for her to join and this school in particular, has a lot. I just hate the idea of her needing to hide away. How is that a zero tolerance approach?

Oh Op i do feel for you , i have a painfully shy 11 yr old boy who started high school yesrerday , so far so good but you worry so much about them i hope thingds improve for her .

Has she ever been assessed for ASD? I had a tough time at secondary school because I'm quirky and odd, i was diagnosed with ASD at 33 and a lot made sense, I still struggle at 36 to maintain friendships and I'm socially awkward.
Def complain because that behaviour is unacceptable, hugs xx

OP, the form tutor really needs to pass this up the chain of command. It needs to go to head of house or even pastoral head. I'd be tempted to email the school with what you've said here and ask them to forward it to whichever deputy is in charge of pastoral. I'm a teacher in secondary. This is more than a form tutor's responsiblity. Those boys need dealing with.

I'd be expecting someone to work out who in her classes to try and buddy her up with so that hopefully she forms a friendship that carries on outside the classroom. I'd also possibly suggest they pair her up with an older 'buddy' so she can pass on concerns too.

Your poor DD. Mine is younger but had a horrible couple of years at a new school. Poor kid would come home in such a state at being excluded and singled out.

I fought vvhard over this summer with loads of playdates and taking some of the kids local to is out with is for the day. It cost a fortune but she has gone back to school this week and seems so much happier.

My DD has almost exactly the same experience as yours. Definitely get involved and don't let it drop. My DD didn't want us to get involved and because she was so up and down we kept leaving it expecting it to get better (which it appeared to have done but she wasn't telling us everything). She has just gone into year 9 and is still socially ostracised by her form. I also suspect ASD (her brother is diagnosed and her Dad almost certainly is) and we are now getting very involved as she is unhappy since she went back. You might want to talk to the SENCO as they understand the social issues better than most.

Sending you a hand hold. DD1 cried herself to sleep last year over her lack of friends and it broke me. It's just so hard. I hope your daughter finds her tribe. I also found strengthening her out of school friendships has helped.

This is the worst thing about schools. The whole billing thing which isn't uncommon and it seems like most people go through it but they shouldn't.

I don't know. Lots of people home school nowadays due to this but if you have to workevery day then it might not be an option. However it may be a case of riding it out. I started school with my closest friends and guess what, a few weeks later they got snapped away by others. I was left alone. On the other hand I saw people bullied from the start and who were alone and after gained popularity. Not that it's something to seek but they found friends. I also made friends but it was only the last two years that I realised I was taking myself to the typical group of friends people would assume I would be with and really my friends were this whole other group of awesome and caring people who were not my typical clique.

But I went to an all girl's school and girls threatening each other were bad enough, it would be awful hearing that from boys. You're doing well talking to her and helping her. Most won't tell their parents. You can talk to her about our experience of school if you wish. There will be good times. But boy oh boy as an adult and parent I now feel more upset at the bullying in schools and don't feel like I want to go down that route. I don't know why they don't teach manners.

I have an ASD child who has also started high school this week and I have the same worries. So my heart goes out to you and your lovely DD.

My son has not been bullied (yet) but he's had trouble making friends. One thing that has helped him is joining lunchtime and after school clubs. He's smart enough too avoid the clubs that are attended by the cool / Popular kids and he is searching for all the other quirky kids.

Good clubs to try - robots, chess, science , baking, crafts
Sports like hockey and netball that have more girls than boys
Less popular sports like lacrosse or Badmiton
Choir, orchestra, band

I’m glad they are talking to you OP. I just wanted to reassure you. My DS started Y7 last year after a challenging time with social groups in primary (he has adhd and anxiety). He found a couple of friends quickly, went a bit overboard with them and was lonely after a few weeks. Over the next few weeks he found a few different after school clubs and made himself at home a bit more, and then later on those activities led him to meet some like-minded - and slightly geeky kids and he blossomed. He has now joined this kids in their from this year. He actually looked forward to starting term this week.

I honestly thought he’d be bullied relentlessly as the kids at primary found it so easy to push his buttons and upset him. I did have to make contact with from tutor, year head, and one one occasion I accompanied him in to school and was allowed to see a very reassuring member of the management team to talk through how he was feeling.

I’ve learnt not to hold back

Fingers crossed for a better day for your DD today

Sorry to read so many other dcs are in the same situation.

Cat, I'm really glad your ds has found his tribe. You must be so relieved.

Aunt, thank you. I've got everything crossed! She went in ok and I was chatting to her on her way there and she didn't have any problems with those boys, although they did bike past her. Hopefully they're already bored.

I've just sent a long email to the year 7 support officer explaining what's happened and that quick action and intervention is crucial. Hopefully I'll hear back from her soon.

I don’t have any advice. Not really. Just wanted to say that reading your posts has made me actually cry. And, although I’m in no way hard, I’m not given to weeping all the time. Your DD is very very lucky to have you on her side though. Your proactive love for her is evident. Neither she nor you deserve to go through this.

You have done absolutely the right thing in taking action promptly.

Making friends is not something everyone finds easy. If there is something she is interested in maybe you could help her join out of school clubs. Something like a drama club or guides is likely to attract young people who are more “quirky” and less judgmental.

I’ve not been in your position. But I have witnessed my oldest child endure a great deal (serious illness now thankfully in recovery) over the past 2 years. It’s beyond heartbreaking to see our children in pain. Absolutely kills the soul. I so hope you and your DD can find some better times ahead.

And I entirely agree with you that putting vulnerable children in the “dungeon” is not the way to do it.

I should also say that a good friend of mine has a daughter who sounds a little like yours. Her first choice of secondary school was not a good fit at all. No amount of trying made it much better (no bullying per se but she was totally ignored). She went somewhere else and fitted in immediately. I have no idea whether there are alternatives for your DD. If there are - don’t rule them out.

Lady, thank you so much. Sometimes I really feel like it's all my fault. I constantly ask myself, what did I do wrong? Should I have taken her to more groups? Arranged more play dates when she was a baby/toddler? I know guilt is a very normal part of parenting, but I feel overwhelmed with it sometimes. When things are bad, like they are now, it's all I think about. I don't sleep, because I can't stop thinking about it all.

I'm sorry you've been through so much with your dc, but very happy to hear things are good now.

So Friday afternoon was awful for dd apparently. The year 7 support officer called and said when she went to pick her up for a chat, she was already outside her form room, crying her eyes out. Apparently dd finally plucked up the courage to ask this girl why she was ignoring her and asked her had she done anything wrong etc. This girl just turned round and said that she didn't want to be her friend anymore, because her other friends are more interesting. I was so angry when I heard this. I said to the support officer straight out that I thought that was incredibly unnecessary and just plain nasty. Apparently her form tutor said that she was drawing up another seating plan, because they sit next to each other, but it sounds as though this girl will now sit next to her "more interesting friend" and dd will be moved somewhere else! I said I didn't think this was fair at all and that actually somebody needs to have a word with this girl about her hurtful behaviour, not just move dd out the way so she can sit next to someone cooler and less weird I'm sure this wasn't the form tutors intention, but that's how it looks to me and actually, how it will look to dd. I'll be talking to her on Tuesday, so we'll see what she says.

Dd had melt down yesterday and said she couldn't stop thinking about what happened and what she said. I'm not bloody surprised! I think anyone would feel like shit if your new supposedly best friend started ghosting you out the blue and then told you it was because you weren't interesting enough!

The support officer said that she'd take her to XXX room, which apparently is where other dcs go when they need to feel safe. The SN room as it's been described as to me before I'll make it clear that I'm not happy with this being a main strategy, as she shouldn't be feeling like she needs a safe space. She actually does enjoy socialising, she just needs a bit of support. This room should be a last resort imo. How will she learn social skills if she's hiding away with other kids who are doing exactly the same. Yes, they can relate, but they won't learn from that.

Stop the bullying and blatant exclusion, don't hide all the 'odd balls' away in a dark room FFS!

Sorry, I was getting angry whilst writing that, but it helps to get it all out.

Thanks again everyone, for all the kind words and support.

Oh God - your poor poor daughter :( Her so-called friend's behaviour is inexcusable. I hope the school can come up with something better than just hiding her away in the 'SN room' - maybe she will make friends there but it's not really addressing the problem, is it? My heart truly does go out to you both.

spider, no, it really isn't addressing the problem, you're right. Maybe they should put the bullies in a dark, tatty room....

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

You are not to blame. But you will blame yourself anyway. It’s what we do. My oldest daughter developed really serious (life threatening) anorexia. She had it for 6 months before I noticed. 6 months. Whilst I was effective in getting help for her the very day I realised and have been proactive in her recovery I will always always blame myself for not realising sooner. Even though I’m told that she was a very clever girl determined I wouldn’t find out and that I wasn’t to blame. I’ll never really accept that. But you really aren’t to blame for this. You have taken action. Your love for your DD shines through in your post.

To be honest I’d keep her at home on Monday if that is an option. Say the stress has made her ill and not take her back until after the meeting on Tuesday.

I’ve had a lot of practice in the last 2 years at speaking up for my DD and getting what she needs. I always make a list with 3 columns (on my iPad in my case and I’m not afraid to get it out when I’m talking to people) of what the issues are that I want to be addressed, what I want done about it (Or if I dont know what I want doing then I put a question mark to prompt me to ask what they suggest) and a column to say what I want the outcome to be. I give timeframes too.

You sound resourceful and determined (if a bit overwhelmed by sadness, which is understandable). You are your daughter’s most powerful weapon against exclusion and bullying.

Your situation has really touched me. I so hope things improve.

Lady, thank you for your kind words. That must have been an incredibly difficult time for your dd and for you. How long has she been in recovery?

Tbh, I was tempted to keep her at home, but she wanted to go in and that's a huge positive and shows just how strong and determined she is. I know she's seeing the support officer this morning, so hopefully she'll call me this afternoon with an update.

I should say, that this girl did actually send dd a message last night to apologise. Dd looked really happy and got all flustered with excitement, but whereas I said that was good she'd apologised, I suggested she didn't immediately respond and maybe just chat to her tomorrow, but she'd already replied with smiley faces and asking if she could call her So not exactly playing it cool, but I completely understand why she did this. I can't blame her, I just don't want this girl to let her down again. The cynic in me worries this is some sort of joke, as it seems too much of a 180 to me iyswim. I don't think school would have spoken to her yet, as this all happened Friday afternoon. Maybe she told her mum and she wasn't happy with her...who knows? Let's hope she really is just sorry.