Dd just started high school. Possible bullying/harassment already! Go in now or wait and see?

[NewDirectionNeeded]

Hi,

My dd started this week and we always worried she was a big target for bullies.

She wasn't exactly bullied in primary, but you could argue she was in the form of exclusion. She was basically ignored most of the time.

She's actually been excited about starting high school and loves learning, but she finds socialising very challenging and does come across as very immature in that way.

She has days where she just seems a bit quirky and days where she really stands out as very different.

Anyway, each lunch time so far, she's told me that a group of older boys have come over to her saying they're going to "smash her"and are just generally not being very nice.

My initial thought was to tool her up with extra confidence and to completely ignore them so they get bored and stop, but this morning she's walking to school and is talking to me on the phone and says that they're behind her saying the same thing! I was furious and my initial reaction was to call the school straight away. The route is very open and busy, but I still chat to her on the way there, as she's not very street wise and letting her walk alone is a big step, but now I feel I can't let her if this is happening.

Part of me thinks just hold off, rather than go off with all guns blazing, as it could just fizzle out. I don't want to make anything worse.

I'm so stuck. Should I call the school?

Thanks

Thank you, Hopping.

Still not heard from the school. Ideally wanted to hear back from them before lunchtime, as this seems to be when everything is happening, so wanted someone subtly keeping an eye on things.

Absolutely gutted about this friend though. Honestly, she's not made a proper friend EVER before and she seemed so lovely. It sounds as though this girls other friends think dd is weird, so I suspect this girl doesn't want to be teased for being her friend. So nasty though! They were facetimeing all through the holidays and got on well the first day at school, then won't even look at my dd now. Apparently my dd will say hello and she looks through her. This is going to hurt her so much. I'm hurting for her.

Not that this is in the slightest bit her fault OP but can you put a finger on what is 'different' about her? Like dress sense or sense of humour...?
There will be quirky kids in her year, I think it usually takes time for them to find their tribe. Could you speak to the head of year and see if there might be another form that has girls similar to her?

Your poor DD. I really hope the school take this seriously. I remember being that age and finding it hard to make friends. I was a bit quirky and an oddball too. It wasn’t til I joined the drama club and worked backstage that I found my circle of friends. Hopefully she’ll find a group she can fit into.

Deep breaths, you have left a message for dd form tutor to call you - fingers crossed this has now happened. If you get no satisfaction from the form tutor in speaking to these immature fools. The next step is have a meeting with form tutor & head of year together. Point out if it comes to this meeting you feel nothing constructive has been done to help the situation. Please also explain in the meeting your dd is a very sensitive girl.

Do not let the situation fester. If you feel you are being fobbed off get the headteacher involved. I was on first name terms with my dc headteacher!!

Good luck 💐

I got a lump in my throat reading your post Hopping.
My youngest started seniors yesterday and you worry so much for them.
Glad to see you have contacted her form teacher. Bullying is taken a lot more seriously than it used to be so hopefully they will nip it in the bud quickly.
Is there any clubs that the school run in things your dd might be interested in where she could meet like minded children?

Where I’m from lads say

‘I’d smash that’ - meaning they’d smash her vagina

I’d bang that - means two things as in shag or punch in the face

Oh poor lass. I have a quirky kid as well so my heart truly does go out to her.

Is this a social thing - that one would be uncertain whether to tolerate , wait out or report harassment ( possibly sexual) when it is aimed at a young girl ? As women , am sure we wouldn't think twice about it if a group of men approached us daily and threatened to 'smash us '.
I'm not blaming you op , am just trying to get my head round this . I hope this gets sorted for your poor dd.

I’d be waiting for her out side of school incase they decide to follow her or incase she feels scared.

Then I’d be going in to the office to speak to some one and making sure they knew I wasn’t going to put up with that - ever.

You have to be so proactive here, have you seen the rates of sexual asssults in secondary school? It’s because every one just thinks it’s kids.. and gloss over it. Your dd needs to see that you are being active in this because it’s completly unacceptable . I’d absolutely be fuming

Standby, I was very tempted, by my dd would be mortified. I don't want to give them any more ammunition either. I already insist that she calls me when she leaves school. This was supposed to give her self confidence a boost and she does need more freedom. I really don't want to have to take it away because of these little #@#!

Of course if it escalates, I won't have a choice.

Oh and believe me, I am fuming.

Maybe send an email too in case the phone message didn't get through and include the head of year/house.

Form tutor called. She's going to look out for her at lunchtime and identify the boys. Hopefully it won't be happening again, but at least we know who we're dealing with if it does.

Got a meeting with her next week.

Just had a phone call from dd and apparently her (ex?) friend is still ignoring her and walked off when dd asked if they could hang out at lunch. Nice. So cruel.

My heart is breaking for her 😭

I wonder if your daughter has AS. I'm saying this as someone diagnosed as an adult as your dd's start at secondary school sounds a lot like mine. It would be useful in future but you're doing the right thing right now.

As for me secondary school was a lonely time but I still have some contact with some friends I made. It is good that sexual harassment is being treated seriously in my day it was out of school out of mind or that's just growing up...

New I found with dd1 that If you have a good friendship group outside of school then it doesn’t matter if things go tits up inside if school with friends.

Does you dd do any after school clubs/activities ? It might help makes things not so intense in school.

Let the FT know about the friendship problems too

stressed, she does, but the one friend she had there was already starting to back off when she started making more friends and apparently she's leaving, so dd is really upset about it. She does really enjoy the group though and it's been great for her self confidence, as it's something she's genuinely very good at.

Glad the FT is helping. My DD started y7 last year and found there was an initial shifting of friends so after 2 weeks she had no one. I let school know they didn't do much but school clubs (sports) helped her and by end of year she said she was one of the most popular girls in her class. So clubs are worth a try. We have changed schools due to lack of pastoral care and she was very unhappy but did have friends by the end.

Starting high school is a minefield, my son contacted me at lunchtime to tell me someone’s stolen his pencil case and I am thinking best to let him try and resolve that, but this kind of thing OP I’d definitely tell the school about

Well done OP, your poor dd. Only thing I would add is chase the teacher if she doesn't get back to you when expected (after this initial contact). I would be wanting feedback either later today or by tomorrow.

Thanks again for all the advice and support.

I really need to bring myself up for when she comes home. Been a bit of a mess today, which might sound dramatic, but it's been a really long road and whereas I'd predicted things would be rocky, I hoped I was wrong.

You were right to deal with it. I hope they take it seriously. Keep on if they don't

Are the school aware of her general social skills difficulties?
If not they should be made aware.

DD's school ran 'social skills' sessions (missing one other lesson a week), which were generally helpful, and also helped her get to know other more 'quirky' pupils, one of whom has become a good friend.

I don't think you are being dramatic. I think most people would feel the same unless they were uncaring. I'm glad you've contacted the school