Would you think I was rude if...

[upsideup]

.. you invited my child (5) for dinner and I asked to send him with either his own plate and cutlery to use or a packed lunch box.

Would this be rude/annoying/difficult or make no difference to you?

If he has no SEN then you are being very unreasonable.

Do you bring plates and cutlery to restaurants? Your DS needs to learn to cope with difference. You are doing him no favours by allowing this restrictive behaviour to continue.

'No extra needs or alergies.

I presume by "extra needs" you mean diagnosis/special needs etc. Because your son does have extra needs - he needs to bring his own plates/cutlery to playdates so he will eat dinner. That is extra.'

I'd find it all rather odd TBH

Sorry I am with flip flop. Unless there is a reason behind it then you need to help him learn to deal with these things.

Unless your son has autism or similar then I would think you had a screw loose and was being precious.

I wouldn’t think it’s odd at all. Kids can be a bit quirky at that age. My youngest is very particular about all sorts of things. So I wouldn’t bat an eye. Kids get anxious about things and sometimes you just have to work with whatever makes a kid’s day run tickedy-boo.

I wouldn't have a problem with it but unless you cart them around with you full time this could impact on him in the future. Eg you were in the park and a parent invited him over for tea? Or straight after school etc without notice. It's not a big thing for other parents to deal with at all. I've had dcs over that can't have certain food touching can't have anything with a sauce all sorts but thats fine do this one thing is easy just don't think yr doing him any favours long-term OP thats all.

I wouldn’t mind at all. I’d prefer him to be happy, so whichever he’d prefer is fine.

I might ask you if there’s anything else we need to do/not do etc. so he’s happy here, but that’s all.

Kids are all weird at times.

Only you know why you allow this and don’t just tell him not to be silly, but given how many people don’t get diagnosed until much older, I’m getting more & more inclined to ‘go with flow’ if it makes them happier and isn’t a big deal. Treating them all how you’d treat a diagnosed child is probably for the best.

So, whilst it might seem indulgent, it’s not rude.

As for it being a hassle to wash up. God give me strength, it’s A plate & cutlery! 🤪

DD has a pack up or sandwich at lunch playdates.
I've not read an age, but mine is only 3.5. She does have ASC and some food issues. I bring a sandwich that I know she will eat and a tiny portion of what everyone else is having gets put out for her. She sometimes tries it and gags (especially pasta) so the sandwich comes out.
No one is bothered, just happy everyone is enjoying their meal.

I certainly wouldn't be phased, op. Kids can be so fussy on playdates and I'd prefer him having his own plate/food to going hungry and getting grumpy. Just tell the mum in question that's what he needs.

I'm with flip-flop too, I have a 5 year old that only likes to drink in "lumpy cups", at home we accommodate this. I know that he would not demand a "lumpy cup" outside our home. Home is a place for children to have a little more freedom to express themselves. But it is important to understand the rules and norms of wider society.
As a parent of another child with an ASC (not the lumpy cup child), I am constantly making sure we strike the right balance between feeling comfortable and happy in new environments and making sure that he can grow and develop in social situations. The easier option is often to avoid potential problems, that's not always the kindest thing to do though.
Are you sure you want to send the cutlery/plate? What reaction do you think he will have if you don't? Would this be a great opportunity to learn to be a little flexible? Accommodating is fine, but sometimes workable ways and opportunities present themselves that we can use to help our children develop and adapt.

@Strippervicar if its any consolation, your approach is exactly how I encouraged Ds to try new foods. Slowly slowly, allowing him his 'safe' foods but gently encouraging him to try a bit of what we were having to. No pressure if he wouldn't eat it, loads of praise if he tried.
He's now a strapping 14 yr old who happily tucks into curry, seafood, chilli etc etc. His taste buds changed and developed over the years and his anxiety lessened somewhat (although he still struggles at times) and you'd never know he was the boy who would run out of the room screaming at the sight of a piece of roast chicken (I kid you not)
I also agree with all the PPs who have pointed out that children do need to learn that some things are more socially acceptable than others. Its trying to get the balance right that is tricky.

Unless he has a disability then I think Yabu.

It wouldn't bother me at all. In fact, if he was going to be a regular guest I'd buy him some so it could be kept for when he visits.

@OnTopOfSpaghetti gives me hope of weaning her off french fries with grilled meat every night!

No extra needs or allergies.

With what you have described in your initial post your child does seem to have some form of special needs as that lies well outside the scope of normal. Or there is parenting that is encouraging odd behaviours?

One of mine was like this as a child. They have SN. If we ate out at a restaurant we would have to take a dinner set for them. We would then transfer food onto their plate. As expected wait staff looked at us oddly but we didn’t feel the need to explain as we had not asked them for anything special and we were paying for food (didn’t take our own). At that point they just ate chips generally so anything else would go to waste. Couldn’t have lunch orders at school during primary years, had to always have own lunchbox with their own food.

Good news is they grew out of this issue. Still have SN obviously but we worked on all of this stuff for years to be able to move forward with most things. Living in denial of their SN wouldn’t have assisted in this regard.

In the absence of special needs, I would find it a bit odd and precious. Or think you had concerns about my food hygiene and quality

I would ask if you wanted to give it to me secretly, try your child with the same stuff as mine and use it as back up. Must be a pain having to carry a plate around all the time.

The problem with "SN needs excepting" is that at this age they may only just be emerging in the form of idiodyncrasies like this. Does he have any other odd habits where he is unusually reactive and rigid about his way?

When people say 'if he has no special needs' etc, often children are not diagnosed till they are older.
I would have no problem at all with it OP, just explain why to the other parent.

Just explain to the adult and say don't worry about washing it all up - they would of course but nice to say.

My cousin’s daughter is super fussy with food. Whenever she came over she would very politely refuse anything and just sit quietly while my kids ate. I now ask her mum to send her with a packed lunch as I hate seeing her sit there hungry. Trying to keep my nosy food-obsessed kids away from her packed lunch is another challenge!