You're invisible once you're 40, what's the point?

[catdrugs]

I just feel I've dedicated all my life to false premises. Looking attractive - well that falls apart once you have kids and reach a certain age, blokes and young women just see through you and it's superficial and empty anyway.
Career ha! That falls apart once you have kids unless you are dedicated enough to override any guilt about long hours in child care. Guilt, guilt and more guilt is a woman's lot anyway whatever you do.
Motherhood - yes it is a great thing in many ways but it's thankless and your kids only like you for a decade then they hate you in their teenage years and don't need you after that.
Religion - don't have it, don't believe in after life.
So what's the fucking point?
If you're all buzzing with happiness fill me in with your secret.

Are you depressed?
I have a very stressful life. But I still enjoy what I can in life. Some don’t get the chance to reach middle age. So I’m just thankful for that.

Kids definitely need you when their older. It's just them growing up and hormones and the like. I am in my thirties and I have lost my mum now and she was/is still very much a part of me.
I know what you are saying, I think we all feel it from time to time but even those young, beautiful people, their looks will fade too. Everyone of us has the same destiny that we will die one day so why not enjoy ourselves whilst we're here.
I believe there is more than this life but appreciate not everyone does. What matters is family and being a good loving person.

I love being invisible, so much better than the pressure to look perfect when you're young. No catcalls in the street is a plus. You're older and wiser and more confident in yourself from years of experience.

Yes, my career turned to shit when I had kids but I've had precious years with them through their primary school years. I'm still 40 something and young enough to retrain for a new job.

Rant away.

There are plus points to invisibility though

they're

gosh cat you do sound down. Have you got a lot going on at the moment?
I am actually loving my forties. I am currently really working on ,y fitness and am fitter now than I was in my 20s (well tbh I was very unfit in my 20s!) My kids are now a bit older and I have a bit more time to look after myself. It is only for the last 2 years that I have been regularly going to the hairdressers!
And finally I have a bit more time to devote to my career - I did take a career break for a while when the kids were younger, but am back into it now.
What is it you want to change OP - maybe focus on one small thing at a time and work on it.

I’m fine with being less visible. Over 50, good career without distractions. Kids raised successfully and independent. I’m not patronized at work, neither am I hit on randomly. The odd pang, but nothing major. Looking back at photos I was rather attractive, but didn’t feel it. So it always confused me when I thought I was just having a friendly chat and they thought I was being chatted up!

I don't feel invisible at all. Quite the opposite, actually! I feel far more confident about my looks and I certainly feel I attract more male attention than when I was in my 20s (I'm 46, 3 kids). Perhaps I'm simply more tuned in to these things now.

I think it's often a matter of perception. If your self confidence low, you may carry yourself in a way that avoids interaction with others. You may look people in the eye less, which in turn will obviously returns less attention.

It's just a thought.

I'm in my late 50s. Dress to please myself but enjoy buying new clothes. Hair done weekly. Go to gym regularly and makes me feel young and lively. My dcs are in their 20s . Constantly travelling and obviously busy with their own lives. But when they are home they entertain me with all their chat while eating me out of house and home.
I have a very contented life even though my dh has a long term illness. I enjoy my job . I stayed home for 7 years but back full swing since. Life should not be so difficult. Could you have counselling? Learning to live in the moment adds to the enjoyment of life.
But l do believe in the here after so have that as a long term goal but determined to make the best of life while here.

What things do you care about? What interests do you have? What would make your life meaningful? If there is no external meaning we can make our own lives meaningful.

Looking nice/attractive doesn't have to fall apart when you have kids.

I had my kids quite young so I suppose I see things differently as in my kids are more independent now so I can get to grips with a career without the worry of childcare when people my age (mid 30s) are just starting out or have kids very young still.

I am not invisible! I refuse to be!

I have a career, I take care of the way I look, I enjoy time with my friends. I give no shits about what anyone else thinks of me and that's so so liberating.

I have a husband and kids and that drags me down (so I'm not the buzzing with happiness person you were seeking) but I'm not invisible. I refuse to be.

I've heard this invisible thing before and it baffled me - is it a SAHM thing? Or does it hit some people later than their 40s? Why invisible?

I don’t think being over 40 automatically makes you invisible. If that matters to you anyway. Someone can be 20 and look awful just the same way someone can be 40 and look beautiful. So much of it is how you dress, confidence and hair / make up etc.

I am nearly 40. I have had the worst couple of years health wise (life threatening) and just coming out the other side of it and I’m really excited to be here and see what the future holds. My life is very stressful- I have a disabled child, I’m in bad health which might improve a little but will always be there, I can’t work due to ds disabilities- but I feel happy with my life. I watch and read things I find interesting, I do a lot of exercise and challenge myself physically, I take care of myself.

Life isn’t all about looks, career and motherhood! I am interested in lots and lots of different things - history, conspiracy theories (!), true crime, psychology, etc etc. I keep my brain busy all the time with these things and enjoy getting out with my family or alone to new places. Doesn’t have to be anywhere fancy!

You sound very down. And caught up in a completely erroneous mindset, but one that will became a self fulfilling prophecy if you let it take root.

40 is still young - you are only just coming in to your prime, but I realise you can't see it right now. Instead of catastrophising, try to think back to what makes you feel terrific - even if you have to go back a fair way in to the past to find it. Then, what steps - even baby steps - to bring it back

I was gorgeous on my 20s and 30s, presentable in my 40s, got a new partner at 50, and happily invisible several years later. There hasn't been a time when it depressed me. There's a freedom to life now and I love it.

I think it is easy to get into a rut when you only value yourself according to how others supposedly see you. Do other people think I'm attractive? Do my kids love me enough or need me enough? Am I professionally successful? And then feel pretty down if the external affirmations don't materialize.

Do you do things just for you? Because you enjoy them? Because you are good at them and it makes you feel capable and confident? Do you value you self-esteem?

I'm sorry you are feeling blue, I hope you are able to turn a corner and feel awesome again.

I’m quite happy not to be judged as to whether I'm sufficiently fuckable or not if that’s what you mean by being invisible?
Im happy with how I dress/look but it’s not for the benefit of strangers.

Hmm. I don’t have your experience at all and agree with pp that you may be depressed. I’m pushing 50, but definitely not invisible (get chatted up far more now than when in my 30s!), have a fulfilling career where I’m taken seriously (perhaps because of my age and grey hair?) which I’m able to do partly from home so not too crazy stress about childcare...
But actually I think often your perception is about how you’re feeling about yourself at any point in time. Is something specific going wrong for you?

single Wonderful testimony! Love your attitude.

In my head I look better than I ever did! Objectively, looking back I can see I was actually fairly attractive in my youth - but I never felt I was pretty enough. Now in my 50s I feel like I look reasonably good - but actually have the self confidence to not give much of a shit whether I do or not.

DCs raised (mostly). Career is flourishing - I am now main wage earner and love what I do. I had time at home when kids were little, but am now enjoying being able to put myself first. I am given professional respect at work and I think I'm good at what I do.

More in love with DH than ever. Eternally grateful that we have a happy marriage. Particularly as I had shit relationships before him. He is semi retired and enjoying pottering about the house and garden.

Still have parents; they are still healthy. Mortgage almost paid off.

I think positive thoughts and try and look for the bright side in situations. I like getting older if I'm honest. I hope I'm getting wiser. Or at least giving less of a monkeys.

I’m 43 in a couple of weeks and I certainly don’t feel invisible! In fact, I feel more attractive than I ever did in my 20s, owing to the fact that I am fitter, slimmer, better dressed and more sure of myself now than I was back then.

if you base your worth on fitting into the stereotypical mould you think ‘blokes’ value, you’ll be miserable.

Personally speaking I get more male attention now than I did at 25...but not because I’m beautiful or look young. It’s because I’m confident, have my own sense of style and carry myself with confidence.
So no...I don’t agree.

But OP, all your concerns centre on whether other people see you, like you, need you etc.

I thought the whole point of being an adult is to find what you enjoy doing, and then achieve the freedom to do it, regardless of other people's views! 40 is a great age to start doing that.

Thanks for your time guys.
I just feel drained and I was brought up in a sexist house where a woman's worth was in her looks. It's hard to shake the fear that once you are older, you have less meaning.
It's abhorrent to feel this I know. Of course women can be beautiful at any age, of course looks aren't the only thing anyway, and beauty is more than aesthetics. Of course we have worth. I know all this objectively. I just can't shake this feeling and it holds me back

A friend of mine would have been celebrating her 40th birthday next month.

She went to the doctor's in February 2010 feeling, in her words, "a bit crook."

It was Non-Hodgekins Lymphoma. By August she was dead. She left behind a devastated fiance, family and a baby niece who'll never know her.

Whenever I'm tempted to grumble about getting older, I remember Louise, who never got to, and would have loved to.

Cat, as others have said, you sound depressed. I'm n nearly 70, and have never felt happier or more content. yep, men don't notice me in the same way, that is, they don't leer at me or cat call. These days, they give me their seat in public transport and hold doors open for me. What's not to like? Young women do the same thing. No one (unless they are v v stupid) ignores me.

I have a middle aged child who I can talk to about the things that middle aged woman go through. It's all a joy☺☺. Hang on in there. Getting older is not all bad news. As Leonard Cohen noted, I ache in places where I used to play, but being old is quite cool. When you're 70, nobody, but nobody, can tell you what to.eat, drink, or wear. Cos you can tell them to bugger off. Honestly, it's the most fun😀😀