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Original poster

You're invisible once you're 40, what's the point?

60 replies

catdrugs · 31/08/2018 19:48

I just feel I've dedicated all my life to false premises. Looking attractive - well that falls apart once you have kids and reach a certain age, blokes and young women just see through you and it's superficial and empty anyway.
Career ha! That falls apart once you have kids unless you are dedicated enough to override any guilt about long hours in child care. Guilt, guilt and more guilt is a woman's lot anyway whatever you do.
Motherhood - yes it is a great thing in many ways but it's thankless and your kids only like you for a decade then they hate you in their teenage years and don't need you after that.
Religion - don't have it, don't believe in after life.
So what's the fucking point?
If you're all buzzing with happiness fill me in with your secret.

OP posts:
maZebraltov · 31/08/2018 20:55

Tomorrow is a fresh start, CatD. Everyday is a new set of opportunities. Choose the unhelpful things to leave behind.

Original poster
catdrugs · 31/08/2018 20:59

This has helped already thanks Smile
I need to do something positive tomorrow. Might ride my bike then get a haircut. DH will be happy to watch the kids.
I wish I could get a job but don't know where to begin. I've lost the confidence and just don't know how I'd find the hours that will fit in with three kids.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 31/08/2018 21:09

To turn this on it’s head if you were a 21 year old (or thereabouts) woman who thought the only thing she had going for her and that mattered was her looks what would you think? You’d tell her to get out there and find herself! The advice is the same the other way round. Focusing purely on your looks is a very narrow way to think, there’s so much more to the world and to you. You just need to discover it.

PerspicaciaTick · 31/08/2018 22:35

How about doing some volunteering instead? You could find something for a couple of hours a week or more if you like. School governor, local library, care homes, there are all sorts of opportunities.

Dionysa · 31/08/2018 22:42

Cat, were you very attractive when you were younger? I was, and being 40 plus has been a massive deal for me, in a bad way. No career prospects now (due to being a SAHM for about 1,000 years), teenage plus DC who hate me, etc, etc, etc. My parents also hate me, because they had plans for me which I failed to go along with, because I'm 40something, not 14.

All that said, I hope I would tell my DDs that they are completely gorgeous when they're 40something, and I'd mean it. Flowers

Cobblersandhogwash · 31/08/2018 23:51

I have enjoyed the irrelevance of how I look since my 40s began.

I was a hideous teen. V attractive young adult I'm told. Neither brought me benefits as far as I can tell.

I am glad now in my late 40s to be invisible so that I can get on with whatever I fancy doing without any attention or judgement. Marvellous.

babba2014 · 01/09/2018 00:04

I believe no one is invisible at any age when you believe in a God who promises an after life of eternal bliss if you just keep going. I really don't feel like I'm in a what's the point situation. Life gets tough and many times I've felt down but I pick up again because there's more to life than men and women looking at me and keeping up appearances which go away or doing well in a career which can go away due to having kids. From a young age I've been told God does not look at our appearance but looks at what is in our hearts so none of the outside wordly stuff matters.
I feel like I ask less of what's the point as a believer in God. When I lost my way a few years back I questioned life a lot. But without another world after this, how can you keep going and going when everything goes downhill? So for me knowing there's a life where there's no sickness and you can have whatever you wish for makes more sense than everything going downhill in this life and it being the only life we have.

PickAChew · 01/09/2018 00:06

Because I'm worth more than just being eye candy.

PickAChew · 01/09/2018 00:09

Keep dreaming, babba Hmm

Stripybeachbag · 01/09/2018 00:15

The OP sounds like she is looking for a new job. I have no doubt that competing against younger people and men without anything "extra" to offer must be fairly tough.

But it is not only women. In my job they are advertising for a new part-time teacher and two older men applied who weren't offered an interview on ageist assumptions.

On the other hand, having associated with many revolting men in their twenties I am glad to no longer on their radar.

JoyceDivision · 01/09/2018 00:21

Age is a privilege denied to many

Just consider what you are blessed to have and enjoy it, not compare to.ithers, not count your worth in the eyes of other, just be thankful for here and now x

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 01/09/2018 00:22

Babba, I don't believe in god and as a result try to enjoy this life as there won't be another one.
OP, glad this thread is helping you a bit. I'm 50, was pretty good looking when I was younger but the years have crept up on me and I can see the wrinkles where there weren't any 5 years ago but fuck it, I still feel young inside. I don't care whether people don't see me, I don't actually think I'm invisible, I have a good career and feel valued. I understand it's tough to find a job when you've been out of the market for a few years, I'd try volunteering, there are always charities looking for people. I volunteer for a local charity and whilst I enjoy my job I get more satisfaction from the charity work as I can see an immediate benefit to others, it gives a real sense of purpose.

Viewoffriday · 01/09/2018 00:27

Rather than what do you want to change about yourself, what do you want to change about the world? Something very local, something big? Do you like animals, want to support your local special school, community garden, join the Labour Party? Or better still work in an area you believe in.

You sound like you need a purpose. Being beautiful doesn't butter any toast, does it? Smile

SarfE4sticated · 01/09/2018 00:28

I'm the same Cobblersandhogwash I find it really freeing. No worrying about what groups of men will say to you, you can be completely batty and no-one gives a shit. I speak to complete strangers at bus stops, complement people on their dogs without fear of them thinking its a line, and I chat to people on the train - wouldn't have done that before.

You need to get some meaning in your life OP - find what you like to do . Choir? Gardening? swimming? and start living life for you. I find I enjoy creating things now, so gardening and painting are my things at the mo. My job is for money only now, my life is for me.

Viewoffriday · 01/09/2018 00:28

(Other political parties are available.)

StillMedusa · 01/09/2018 00:40

I'm 50... no career...yes 4 kids scuppered that, but I have a job I generally enjoy. Kids now 21-26 and I love it when they are around (three still at home)
I miss my flat stomach but other than that 50 is great... with every day I give less of a flying fuck what other think of me.
I'm learning an instrument to keep my brain active, my DH still finds me attractive., I love my garden, my home, my books, the occasional meet up with friends.

It's way better than being an insecure 20 yr old, or a knackered with tiny kids 30 yr old...

805Thistle · 01/09/2018 00:41

I am invisible and I LOVE it.

I had a very strong image for a long time, and worked in a career where appearance mattered a great deal. Now I’m a SAHM caring for some unwell relatives. I don’t have to physically impress anyone, so I can be my absolute most comfortable self. I have let my hair go white, I only wear shoes which are utterly comfortable, same with clothes. I know I look completely unrecognisable compared to my former self, and I love being able to slip by, unrecognised. It’s liberating.

Mayday01 · 01/09/2018 00:45

I'm now older, and I find being invisible to be bliss tbh Grin.
I don't have to be careful when passing the time of day with someone incase they think they're in, and people are more accepting of strident opinions when you're older.
There's a certain freedom to be enjoyed when you're off men's radar.

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 01/09/2018 00:58

Funny how men never say they feel invisible when they hit 40 or 50, in fact they think they are gods gift a truly believe that every 25 year old woman is lusting after their paunch and bold patch. I know this is a very sweeping generalised statement and not all men look or behave like that but it just goes to show the default is women put themselves down and men don’t, we really need to value ourselves more not just our looks but every respect.

Thesearepearls · 01/09/2018 01:19

i don't feel invisible at all

I never had much in the way of looks anyway so it didn't bother me. I focussed on building a home and family and a great career

I get up every morning with a spring in my step. I have worries for sure, but everyone in the family is happy and healthy, I have a great job and my employers value me and a lovely dog and everything in the garden is more or less rosy (apart from the roses which have given up the ghost). I'm 51 and I've never been happier

It's funny but I do believe that the age of maximum contentment is around my age (just read a study) and for sure it's true of me. The kids are adult now and my job is mostly done there. They've turned out fine. I've got as high as I am going to go on the career ladder (which is pretty high) and I'm happy that I'm doing a great job that I am well rewarded for. I enjoy my family my friends and my dog and my garden and my books.

I'd kind of like to have the figure I had in my teens and twenties but I wouldn't trade my contentment now for the insecurities I had then.

SallyVating · 01/09/2018 03:37

I'm 49. Ironically now that I have no interest and don't want anyone or anything then I seem to be irresistible

BradleyPooper · 01/09/2018 03:53

Hope you get your mojo back OP.

I'm 45, just lost 10kg in weight, am fitter and stronger than I've been in a long time, my work is gong really well and I've found something I love doing, my dcs are getting more independent (and more interesting people), I'm financially secure .... and the Starbucks barista said she liked my hair this morning (ok last one is pretty superficial!).

We all have bumps in the track and down days, hope you're feeling better about it all very soon.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 01/09/2018 06:05

I've never understood this "invisibility" thing. What does it mean? I have never felt...visible, and that's fine as why should I be? I am just a person like everyone else. I am in my 40s now and am as visible/invisible/whatever as when I was 20. If someone can explain, that would be great.

I think the trick to successful physical ageing is to be overweight and slovenly in your younger years and then smarten up/get fit etc. Then things are only going to get better! Unfortunately I was a national fell running champion in my 20s and am never going to be as fit as I was then so it's all fucked for me.

AbeautifulBeast · 01/09/2018 09:10

I am 35 so not quite there yet!
Personally I feel I am just coming into my stride, I had my children young so they are much easier now.
I have time for beauty maintenance so makeup, hair and nails are not a problem.
I work full time in a job I am happy in (not a career as such but it suits me)
I don't believe that the next five years will make me invisible at all, I am looking forward to living and seeing what the future brings.
Far too many people don't live to see their forties and beyond so I fully intend to look at the positives through every decade I live to see.

Unsure123123 · 01/09/2018 09:34

This sounds like a classic case of woman feeling lost, lonely and hopelessness.

I understand op. I had heard of feeling second class. Putting everyone else first and I felt forgotten, worthless and hung up to dry.

I started by going to an exercise class each week. Just one but it was my time to be me. I loved it. This was 18 months ago and I have now found a better job, I don't love it but I've got more money, lost weight and I'm finally investing in me again. I feel much more confident and I don't really care about what others think of me anymore.

It hasn't been easy! I've been to counseling for the last year. I'm on anti depressants and about a year ago I was at rock bottom but it was this that was the catalyst.

I now look in the mirror each day and tell myself every day that I am worth it. It was really hard to start with. I just cried everytime I saw tired, downtrodden me looking back. It's getting better.

Question the negative thoughts. Start to do something for you and invest in yourself op. You are totally worth it x