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Original poster

Maintenance and kids asking for spending money

67 replies

Myneighbourisodd · 29/08/2018 23:37

Hi, I'm taking my children on holiday in 4 weeks, they have asked their dad for £10 each spending money, he said no he isn't going to give them anything, that I don't give them any spending money for when they are away with him, Even though I do!
He has since txt me saying that I should not allow them to ask him for any sort of spending money, the maintenance I receive is to cover EVERYTHING when they are with me.
He doesn't seem to understand that they are children, just asking for a tenner to put in their purses! I have paid for new passports for them, holiday clothes, all of that stuff and they have literally just asked him for what they got off me when they went away with him.
I want to rant but also ask opinions, please?
Thanks

OP posts:
AvoidingDM · 29/08/2018 23:42

He clearly wants to nip them asking for money in the bud. Lesson learned next time hes taking them away dont give them spending money let him do it.

gamerchick · 29/08/2018 23:45

next time hes taking them away dont give them spending money let him do it

I dont think I could do that. It's not the kids fault their dad is an arse and not fair to tit for tat at their expense.

They asked him and they will remember his answer all on their own. They dont forget shit like that and you reap what you sow with your kids.

Original poster
Myneighbourisodd · 29/08/2018 23:50

avoiding whilst I understand what your saying, I wouldn't be able to that to them they are going away and I want to give them something from me to be able to spend.
Gamer this is my thinking also, he is spoiling his relationship with them, I know that they will soon see him for what he is, which is a good thing (I think) but I feel so sad for them, to be a child and your dad saying "no, I'm not giving you anything for your holiday" is heartbreaking.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2018 23:52

What’s happened in the past?

We don’t give my DSC spending money for holidays with their mum. Nothing to do with maintenance but we pay for them when they’re with us and she pays for them when they’re with her. We actually paid for their passports but what she decides to spend on holidays or clothes or anything else is her business and it would be a bit odd if they were asking for spending money for something they’re doing that’s nothing to do with us.

NoMudNoLotus · 29/08/2018 23:54

I agree with @AnneLovesGilbert

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2018 23:54

I’m not sure it’s heartbreaking. They’re lucky to be having a lovely holiday with you. You don’t say how many DC you have but in the scheme of things if £10 each isn’t a lot to ask for from him then I’m sure it can come out of your holiday money.

gamerchick · 29/08/2018 23:58

and it would be a bit odd if they were asking for spending money for something they’re doing that’s nothing to do with us

Really? You've never slipped them a little something to enjoy themselves with, just because.... Never?

Your nanna or granda never gave you a quid to get some sweets with when you were a kid? Yanno because they loved you?

That's really sad man.

Original poster
Myneighbourisodd · 29/08/2018 23:58

There isn't a past here anne, it's the first time it's come about, we've been separated for a year, he took them away 3 weeks ago, I gave them £20 spending money each, just so they had something of their own to buy what they want with, he isn't known for allowing them to buy things of he doesn't see it as being "worth it" or "suitable".
He has said he's taking them abroad next year, but what sticks in my throat is that he will want to use the passport I have paid for and the holiday clothes etc I have bought, and I can't say no because he is the type to say "ok, you can't come because mam won't give me your passport/clothes etc, he is vile in most respects, but when your own children are asking for £10, it's not a lot really is it?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 00:02

For clarification, he earns 4x what I do, my godparents are paying for this holiday, he knows this, yet won't even give them £10 to take themselves.
I do have spending money and it's not necessarily required, it's not so much the Money but the principal of it I feel!
Jesus, just give them something

OP posts:
KeepServingTheDrinks · 30/08/2018 00:03

This is sad because children only get things from their perspective.

My cousin got married when my DD and my DN + another cousin were all quite young (8/9 ish) and were all bridesmaids. And my cousin paid for their dresses.

My cousin also had about 7 bridesmaids who were her close friends.

At the wedding, the bride got my DD and my DN to hand out thank you gifts to all the bridesmaids. DD, DN and the other cousin all got nothing. Bride told me that she hadn't got them presents because she'd brought their dresses.

From their perspective, what did she think they'd be wearing???? And she could have brought them a £1 pack of stickers and they'd have been thrilled!
I love my cousin, and I know it was just her inexperience with children. But it REALLY rankled!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/08/2018 07:55

Whether OP can cover it out of her holiday money is not the point Anne. He should want to give his kids a bit of spending money.
I very much doubt that he is goving the OP so much child support that it truly covers 50% of what it costs to feed, house and clothe children.
When he wants to take them away, tell him he owes you half of what the passports cost before you will hand them over!

GerddwrEryri · 30/08/2018 08:11

Sorry but I agree with @Annelovesgilbert. I find it odd them asking for spending money for something you've chosen to do with them

And of course he'll ask for the passport. What do you think he should do - pay for another one himself? That'd be totally ludicrous. For holiday clothes though, surely they'll have grown? Can't you just say you haven't bought any yet that year so he'll have to buy them?

Original poster
Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 08:24

We agreed that we would each pay half for the the passport, he has since gone back on that.
I genuinely don't see the issue to them asking for a tenner spending money of their father. When they went away with him I have them spending money without a thought, this is why they have asked him I think, because well, mum gave us some so dad might as well?
He's clearly not so that is fine, I was just wondering if others thought it was a bit mean spirited, some do, some dont.
I give my friends kids a pound when they are going on holiday, kids just like to have their own money..

OP posts:
helpbeforeimelt · 30/08/2018 08:32

When eldest ds needed a passport for a holiday with us I paid for it.
It needed renewing and his dd was taking him away a year after so I told him the passport would need renewing for then so he did it.

In regards to spending money whenever ds went away on holiday with his dd I would always like my parents did give him spending money to take but that was my choice.
I don't think his dad ever gave him spending money when he came on holiday with us and it's not something I ever thought to ask him to be honest.

You e been separated for a year so you've got a way ahead to go with situations like this. He's just set the mech mark with what his decisions are so you know for future and it's up to you if you decide to give them spending money when they go away with him.

I've never expected anymore than maintenance but his dd always offered to pay half on uniforms or school trips.

I just accepted that would be how it was

BananaBonanza · 30/08/2018 08:44

I really resented when ex gave money to be spent on my holidays. It was a way of imposing his values on my time with the kids.

I gave them £20 spending money each, just so they had something of their own to buy what they want with, he isn't known for allowing them to buy things of he doesn't see it as being "worth it" or "suitable

This I would find really obnoxious. You're subverting his values instead of respecting his parenting. Really reaĺly obnoxious and a way of imposing control that isn't right.

Save the money you would give the kids for the dads holiday for spending money on yours.

I get the passport thing is annoying but its petty. Just focus on you and your little family's happiness and it will all fit into place better for the kids

GerddwrEryri · 30/08/2018 08:47

That's not great he went back on it for the passports. It was unfair of him to say he'd go half but then refuse to contribute. But I don't think it would then be fair to say he has to buy a replacement passport. I think that'd just be making a point for the sake of it then.

As for the spending money though, I don't think it's mean spirited to not give it and you are equally entitled to give it. It's inevitable as separated parents to disagree on various different things. You disagree as together parents but are more able to discuss this. I think when you separate you just have to accept those disagreements typically aren't discussed as much and just have to be accepted.

GerddwrEryri · 30/08/2018 08:51

This I would find really obnoxious. You're subverting his values instead of respecting his parenting. Really reaĺly obnoxious and a way of imposing control that isn't right.

Actually yes, I agree with the above and take back what I said in my previous post about you being entitled to give it. The previous time we went on holiday with DSD her mum gave her a tenner. I found it really imposing. Her Mum spends so much money / gives DSD so much money to spend on things on holiday, things we never would as it all just looks like tat or is massively overpriced. I felt very uncomfortable her trying to force her values onto our time. Thankfully DSD has more common sense when given the option of what to spend her money on and saved it all to buy something she actually wanted upon our return.

Original poster
Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 09:02

Im not going to say he has to get a replacement passport thoughConfused i haven't said that, i would love to say he can't use it untill he has paid for half, but then he would just tell them they can't go on holiday due to me not letting him use the passport.
Petty yes, but it pisses me off that I have paid for it yet he's going to be getting use out of it aswell.
When we agreed we would go halfs on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 09:04

*gerde giving my kids spending money is not me being imposing or forcing my values on their time with their dad.
I gave them some money so they didn't have to keep asking him when they wanted a bloody ice cream or something

OP posts:
BananaBonanza · 30/08/2018 09:12

I think tbh you haven't been separated long, you're actually still in the period of mass readjustment. Some stuff you'll only have done once since your split and both of you will still be making judgements on what works and what doesn't.

If him paying for the passport is the worse annoyance or cost or about face to come out of this period, your kids are jolly lucky to have both of you as parents.

Faithless12 · 30/08/2018 09:16

Yanbu op. My grandparents would always give me spending money for going on holiday I don’t see how this is any different. How is giving spending money imposing anything?

BananaBonanza · 30/08/2018 09:20

I gave them some money so they didn't have to keep asking him when they wanted a bloody ice cream or something

It's concerning that you can't see why this attitude is wrong.

As the parent in charge it should be my choice as to when they get an ice cream or not. I might put conditions on when or if that ice cream happens. E.g. if you walk into town you can have an ice cream. I might decide we're not having ice creams/souvenirs at all today (because an event should necessarily be about spending money)

By providing them (actually a fair amount of pocket money) you are saying Dad is being unreasonable denying you treats, I'm the fun one whose going to make sure you have it.

You're completely undermining his decisions and trust me the kids relationship with both of you will be the worse for it. If he isn't to be trusted to make decisions for them and he's their parent, why should they trust you to make parental choices or do as you say either. You damage the trust in both of you.

While they are with him you need to respect his parental choices, whether you agree with them or not.

BubblesBubblesBubbles · 30/08/2018 09:28

Ah op, I understand where you are coming from. If you hadn’t of given them spending money they wouldn’t have got an ice cream etc.

My parents always give my kids £5/£10 each when we go away, that way it’s their money.

BananaBonanza · 30/08/2018 09:30

@Faithless12

I presume your parents didn't mind. Usually when grandparents do this they explicitly check with the parents first. Or there's a longstanding unspoken agreement that this is ok.

If the parents didn't agree it would be wrong if the grandparents to do this and it would be seen as undermining.

The OP and her ex is really at the stage of thrashing out what is and isn't ok within the new circumstances. Until you've done something a few times its going to be hard to know what does and doesn't work. Stuff is going to change.

But ultimately the fact that you have different values shouldn't come as too much of a surprise given that you've split. Respecting the right of both patents to parent their own way in the own home is (usually) really important.

greenlanes · 30/08/2018 09:38

Hostile situation here yet either I or my parents give my DC spending money for his holiday with the other family. I saw it as a way to say to them very definitely "have a good time, you go with our love and blessing". It doesnt work in return - even clothes are removed. My DC see it , know it and comment on it. OP - carry on as you are, putting your children first.