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Original poster

Maintenance and kids asking for spending money

67 replies

Myneighbourisodd · 29/08/2018 23:37

Hi, I'm taking my children on holiday in 4 weeks, they have asked their dad for £10 each spending money, he said no he isn't going to give them anything, that I don't give them any spending money for when they are away with him, Even though I do!
He has since txt me saying that I should not allow them to ask him for any sort of spending money, the maintenance I receive is to cover EVERYTHING when they are with me.
He doesn't seem to understand that they are children, just asking for a tenner to put in their purses! I have paid for new passports for them, holiday clothes, all of that stuff and they have literally just asked him for what they got off me when they went away with him.
I want to rant but also ask opinions, please?
Thanks

OP posts:
NoFucksImAQueen · 30/08/2018 09:41

are you going to reply?
I'd be tempted to say something like "they're only asking because when they go away with you I always give them £10 each. they've obviously wrongly assumed you might do the same. it makes no difference to me if you do or don't give them anything but maybe be mindful that it's them you have said no to not me. if you want to be mean to them for the sake of £20/£30 (not sure how many dc) then that's on you"

Snappedandfarted2018 · 30/08/2018 09:44

I think it’s pretty cheeky of them
To ask there df for spending money when they are going away with you, I wouldn’t expect ex to give ds spending money when he goes away with us and visa versa. My family gave ds money when he was going abroad for the first time with but it was completely there choice to do so.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 30/08/2018 09:48

My ex paid for ds passport because he wanted to take him abroad. Il be using the same passport when we go away next year if it needed renewing who ever wanted to take ds first would just pay because it’s part of the costs of going away.

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Singlenotsingle · 30/08/2018 09:49

Why are people so mean? £10 is hardly a fortune in the great scheme of things! A few ice creams and sweets and it's all gone in a couple of days! I'd be happy to think my DC had as much spending money as possible, regardless of who provided it.

Original poster
Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 09:53

snapped it would be pretty cheeky of them to ask the next door neighbour for spending money yes, their father, not so much

OP posts:
BananaBonanza · 30/08/2018 09:57

According to the way you see it they haven't done something wrong, other people will interpret it differently.

You need to get used to that

Original poster
Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 09:58

nofucks I'm not going to bother, I would love too! But it won't have anything affect at all, the kids see him for what he is so I don't need to I don't think, hes an arsehole, whatever.
And yes to the PP who said about the spending money being for ice creams cos without it they wouldn't have had any, your exactly right. The man will not buy anything for them that he doesn't deem worthy, part of the reason I did leave him in the end

OP posts:
sabbath84 · 30/08/2018 10:00

You've pretty much just confirmed what others have said myneighbour about imposing your values. Its his holiday with the children. They can ask him if they want and icecream, toy, crap souvenir at a miseum and if he says no that's his choice and fulfilling his parenting style. Your basically removing/circumventing that option and imposing your values.

Its shitty going back on the cost of the passports especially as you'll both get joint use out of them.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 30/08/2018 10:01

I don't understand the push for the DC's dad to give them spending money. It's your holiday with them on your time, so I wouldn't expect or want the DC to have spending money from their dad. They are already with a parent after all.

MrsChumleyWarner · 30/08/2018 10:07

I am in a similar situation to you - except my ex won’t give the passports back despite a court order but that’s not the issue being debated.

I am 100% behind you. I gave my kids spending money when they went on holiday with their Dad. It was nothing to do with him but everything to do with my kids and letting them have a little spending money.

We have been seperated about 2 years and he is still trying to control me through the kids and through money. He won’t speak to me direct always through the kids and won’t give a penny more than maintenance.

Carry on doing what your doing. Give your kids the spending money for holidays regardless of which parent takes them. I see it as making the kids happy and not undermining anyone.

Enjoy your holiday x

Original poster
Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 10:09

I don't expect or want it though, it doesn't make a difference to me, they'll have enough spending money from me, they have literally just asked him for a tenner because they got some from me when they went away with him, that's all. They just assumed-wrongly, that it would be the same.
However it's not, he has said no, that's fine they accept that.
I think it's shitty tbh, he's being a dick. It's £20! He pays next to nothing, nothing for uniforms etc, earns over 50grand a year, takes every new piece he's currently shaggion holiday to italy, Greece etc etc but can't give his kids £10 each.
It's the principal of it.
Of course they don't know all of the above, and I haven't said a word about him saying no to spending money, I just said oh ok, eat your tea, I won't bad-mouth him because of it, but yes he's making himself look like a dick to his kids.

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 30/08/2018 10:10

The op didn't push for spending money though I don't think? The kids did which, depending on their age is pretty much par for the course I reckon. They asked, he said no. Fair enough. If he didn't want them to ever ask again or thought they were cheeky for asking he should have dealt with it there and then, not sent the op texts after the event.

Original poster
Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 10:12

Thanks mrschumley
It's incredibly hard when you have to put a smile on your face in front of the kids when in reality you want to call him all the names under the sun. I'm gonna give him enough rope to hang himself and he can reap what he's sown when they are older and realise he's an arsehole

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 30/08/2018 10:13

X posted with you there op. I agree, it sounds like a tenner is neither here nor there to him so he didn't give it to them because he didn't want to. Fine, but he should have dealt with it himself, there was no real need to involve you. In his position I would have just given them it because they're only kids and they're going on holiday.

Original poster
Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 10:26

indubious exactly that! They're only kids and they going on holiday.
I wasn't involved in the asking, I didn't tell them or suggest to them that they asked, they did it of their own accord. Yet he responds nastily via text to me. He just takes every opportunity to be an arsehole to me.

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 30/08/2018 10:43

So they asked him for spending money because that's what they think happens as you gave them spends previously. He said no because he doesn't agree with it. I wouldn't give my DC spends for a holiday with their dad either, and it's not about affordability. He's allowed to have some different views to you about parenting. I don't think it makes him a dick. I wouldn't have asked my dad for spends for a holiday with my mum when I was a child either, I think it's odd that they asked.

HighwayDragon1 · 30/08/2018 10:53

How is he paying next to nothing if he's on 50k a year? XMAS calculate around 20% for 2 children.

AJPTaylor · 30/08/2018 10:56

Yanbu.
You know that
They know that
The only consolation i can offer is that kids with dads like this usually realise in young teen years what a dick their dad really is.

Bluebell9 · 30/08/2018 11:04

We give my DSC spending money when we go away with them as we've chosen to take them away and its part of the costs.

My parents and grandparents used to give me spending money when we went on holiday but I'd never ask for it. For me its rude to request a gift, even if its from a parent.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 30/08/2018 12:08

They were cheeky to ask. I would never have asked my parents for money as a child age, I don’t think my ds would ask his df for money if we were going away it would be down to his df if he wanted to give ds spending money. If ds has asked for money from his df and he said no I would have respected his df decision. As others said people completely parent in a different way. I think in the grand scheme of things it’s rather trivial thing to fight about and maybe just let this one go and don’t get into a disagreement about it speaking as someone who is 9 years down the line with an ex. You learn that people do things differently in different households.

Fuzzywig · 30/08/2018 13:30

I think it depends on their age if they were ‘cheeky’ they may be too young to know. I think it’s the Dad being an arse and trying to teach the Mother a lesson but hurting the kids in the process.

When you were younger did you never ask for your pocket money?

Kids do things all the time which arn’t the way we would like them to do things or sometimes they do things we would never think of.

The kids made an assumption that their dad would treat them as their mum had done previously. The kids were told no and then he used the opportunity to have a go at the Mum.

GerddwrEryri · 30/08/2018 14:40

And yes to the PP who said about the spending money being for ice creams cos without it they wouldn't have had any, your exactly right. The man will not buy anything for them that he doesn't deem worthy, part of the reason I did leave him in the end

But That's entirely his choice. It's controlling and imposing your views on him to say they have to have spending money for those things. They don't and he needs to be allowed to parent in the way he sees fit. You'd soon be complaining if he had a go about your parenting and tried to control you!

Original poster
Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 14:53

gerdd your completely right, I would complain, I did complain, I also left him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 14:58

How on Earth is me giving my children spending money controlling? Confused
" Here kids, have a lovely holiday with dad, here's some money for you to spend whilst you're there" shame on me for being a control freak! How very dare I??

OP posts:
GerddwrEryri · 30/08/2018 16:43

Exactly, you would complain if he tried to control your parenting so stop doing the same to him.

It's his choice if he doesn't want to waste money on ice creams or tat. If you can't see how you're trying to control his choices then nobody can make you but don't be surprised that people disagree with you.

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