Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Maintenance and kids asking for spending money

67 replies

Myneighbourisodd · 29/08/2018 23:37

Hi, I'm taking my children on holiday in 4 weeks, they have asked their dad for £10 each spending money, he said no he isn't going to give them anything, that I don't give them any spending money for when they are away with him, Even though I do!
He has since txt me saying that I should not allow them to ask him for any sort of spending money, the maintenance I receive is to cover EVERYTHING when they are with me.
He doesn't seem to understand that they are children, just asking for a tenner to put in their purses! I have paid for new passports for them, holiday clothes, all of that stuff and they have literally just asked him for what they got off me when they went away with him.
I want to rant but also ask opinions, please?
Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 17:50

Of course people will disagree with me on the issue of him not giving them spending money
that's fine, but I honestly don't see how me giving my kids spending money is controlling??

OP posts:

Fuzzywig · 30/08/2018 18:31

If he really didn’t want the kids to spend the money you gave them on the holiday he paid for the kids would have come home with the money they were not allowed to spend. I am guessing he didn’t refuse or complain when you gave them the money to spend on their holiday so therefore he was happy to allow it and didn’t complain of your controlling ways. He has a problem with the kids asking for money which as a parent he should have dealt with. I am sure the kids have learnt there lesson and won’t ask again.

I don’t see it as you trying to control anything just that you want your kids to have a nice holiday.

Fuzzywig · 30/08/2018 21:33

*their lesson tut

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

GerddwrEryri · 30/08/2018 21:50

If it's not controlling what is is then? If it is purely about them buying ice cream etc like you previously said, you are not allowing him to parent in the way he sees fit. If it's just about that, whether you agree or disagree is irrelevant really - some parents allow their DC to buy ice cream etc and others don't, it doesn't mean either party is wrong.

Original poster

Myneighbourisodd · 30/08/2018 22:14

So if your kids go on say a school trip and you give them spending money are you being controlling?
I genuinely do not feel that I am being controlling at all by giving them spending money! The ice cream was an example, I wanted them to have money to spend as they liked and for them not to keep bugging him to buy them things when he has spent money on taking them away.
I do not see that as being controlling at all

OP posts:

MrsChumleyWarner · 30/08/2018 23:22

Carry on doing it your way. I don’t see it as controlling. I am in a similar position to you and if it was my ex I would see it as him being spiteful and mean, trying to get at me through the kids. I don’t see it being any different to a Nan/Grandad/Aunt/uncle/whoever giving them a bit of spending money for their hols.

colditz · 30/08/2018 23:31

I impose my values on my kids all the time, that's basically what they're for. If it was purely for propagating dna, nobody would want to adopt.

And I CERTAINLY impose my values as superior to my ex's because he's a shit parent who doesn't love them like I do.

C0untDucku1a · 30/08/2018 23:35

He would have to take me to court for the passports. Jackass.

C0untDucku1a · 30/08/2018 23:36

And do not give them spending money for his holiday either. He doesn't want you to do that. So dont do it.

C0untDucku1a · 30/08/2018 23:39

But dwfinitely send him a formal sounding email along the linea of:

As we agreed to halve the cost of the children’s new passports on x date, the total amount you owe me is £x.

Please transfer £x to my account by x. Also, please reply to this email when you have transfered the money for the children’s passports so I know it has been done.

Thank you nobhead

Faithless12 · 31/08/2018 06:52

@bananabonaza I have no idea if they had asked or not. The whole different values aspect is a red herring, it’s for the children not their mother or father. I think it’s nice for children to have their own money, you can overrule the buying is ice cream even if it is their money. DS (7) has his own money because my grandmother often gives him money so he can buy an ice cream when we go out etc. He asks if he can buy one before buying. He is learning the value better than it always being me controlling it, tbh he has saved up over £30 this way. This isn’t my grandmother imposing her views or parenting on my son this is her wanting him to have an enjoyable day out and giving him a little independence. If DS’s dad did the same I wouldn’t bat an eye lid not everything is about me or pissing me off.

annandale · 31/08/2018 07:05

I would be really pissed off if someone else gave money to my children that i didnt want then to give so that i had to prevent them spending it if that was important to me. You see it on MIL threads all the time - something that one side sees as generosity to the children and the other side sees as controlling arseholiness.

colditz · 31/08/2018 07:21

"Someone else" doesn't mean a parent

A parent has the right to give their child money regardless of the other parents level of approval.

This, actually, is why it's important for single parents to make sure they do impose their values. The nrp has the right to give and do as they please - very little is actually court ordered and of that, even less is enforced. The full time parent has to make sure the child is equipped with his or her own sense of how to behave, what to do with money etc. Not just rely on (in my case) a complete idiot to guide them

StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 31/08/2018 07:22

Neither of my parents would have given me spending money to holiday with the other and I definitely wouldn't have asked!

School trips, holidays with other family members they would but not if it was the other parent taking them on holiday.

headhurtstoomuch · 31/08/2018 07:25

Ok dad is on holiday with the kids and they aren't behaving for whatever reason. He refuses to buy them an ice-cream due to the bad behaviour. But they've got your money so can still buy the ice-cream. Don't send the kids with money next time and let him parent his way.

colditz · 31/08/2018 07:29

If my kids bought icecream after I'd specifically told them not to, it would be going in the bin, and therefore a swift lesson would be learn along the lines of "Do not piss me off", as their treat would be gone and their money would be wasted.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 31/08/2018 07:29

Did you mention how old they are?

I would not sweat it and just give them a tenner myself

I'd also give them their passports for trips with him, maybe no spending money then as X prefers that the parents decide on this for their own trips.

Being petty only niggles away at your own happiness, IMO. Try to be the bigger person.

Flip

1 2 3