I feel like I’m drowning

[IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece]

Need because frankly I’ve moaned so much on here I’m reasonably sure, and wouldn’t blame anyone if they were, people are fed up of it

I feel like I’m drowning. Compared to a lot of people, these are stupid problems but I’m just so overwhelmed...I’ve just bitten a hole in my cheek to stop myself from crying on the bus which really isn’t ideal.

I am so unhappy at work. I get treated like a child, spoken to like a fuckwit and belittled. I’m a nanny, the kids treat me like crap because the parents do. I am so tired, my love of the job is broken and I feel like I’ve nothing left to give. I dread going in each morning. It consumes me all weekend and I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach all weekend. I don’t want to nanny any more but Nannying is all I’ve ever done and I have no idea what to do next.
I want to go back and get my a levels because I fucked those up 12 y ago but I know I’m not clever enough to do it
I’m 30 and currently living at home because I can’t afford to move out (n London probs). I’ve no end of people telling me this is ridiculous. I know so many people judge me but I don’t know what to do

I have a huge (10st+) amount of weight to lose. The fear of something happening to me is all consuming and yet I can’t manage to do anything about it. I fail time and time again. I fuck up constantly

I constantly worry I’ve disappointed my family. I’m not the daughter my parents wanted I’m sure. I can’t even give them a grandchild

I feel like I can’t breath. I’m failing at every aspect in my life, I never imagined I’d have achieved so little at 30. I had some wonderful supportive threads around my birthday about this but I feel like I’m spiralling into a hole I can’t get out of and I don’t know what to do

That was a nc fail

Fucking hell

Hi OP for you.That all spunds tough.It really seems like the family you work for are really lowering your confidence.I am far from an expert on getting my shit together,but maybe you could start by writing a list of some achievable things you could do to start and work your way out of the hole you feel you’re in.Like,day one: review your cv,day two; rest; day three; apply for one new job (any job that interests you), day four rest, day five; go for a twenty minute brisk walk, etc etc.List small things that are achievable and then tick them all off,and then after two weeks you will be able to look back and see that you have achieved some small steps.Be kind to yourself though,that’s the main thing,you deserve kindness.

If your parents are ok with it: quit the job, start A levels (immediately!) night classes should start at the same time as the new term (you are intelligent enough); get a part time job for a sense of normality and some money; sign up for some low intensity exercise classes; fuck what people think of your situation. Now is the time to turn it around.

Thank you both. I’ve really struggled today. There’s nothing like a 5yo telling you “you don’t mean anything in my family, no body likes you or your words” to really boost the self esteem

You’re both right, I need to put a plan into action. If my DParents knew truly how I was feeling (not just moaning about work) then they’d tell me it’s not worth it and to leave but I was unemployed for nearly a year 4y ago and it destroyed my self esteem and I really spiralled. I’m loath to do that to myself again.

I’ve contacted a local night school regarding retaking my exams and am waiting to hear back.

I’m going to use this weekend to do a plan of action. Hopefully that will help my mindset

Thank you again, I feel less like screaming into a pillow today so that’s good...

All Level 2 courses and below at CONEL college (they have a Tottenham campus) are free.

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A-levels take 2 years, instead could you do an access course if you wanted to go to university?

Hope you are feeling better this afternoon.

I was going to suggest an Access course too, my daughter did AS levels but didn't complete her A Levels once she figured out what she wanted to do she went back to college part-time and did an Access to Teaching course. She got her degree later than a lot of her peers but in many ways being older helped to focus her mind on what she wanted from her qualifications. If you were my child I would tell you exactly what your parents are saying and in no way would I be disappointed in you, I am willing to stake a sizeable chunk of my kidneys that your parents aren't ashamed of you either! Take a while to formulate a plan then get out of your job. Have you thought about agency work in the short term?

Well the family sound dreadful and the parents can't be doing that well if they've a five year old who spouts stuff like that! Not nice at all.

OP- you are clearly intelligent: you can write well and have insight into your life. You can change things but you have to do it in stages.

Can I recommend a book they helped me? It's a bit 'soul searchy' but it's by a motivational speaker called Jack Canfield and it's called 'How to get from where you are to where you want to be' or some such. There's some good techniques there.

Hugs for you

it sounds like you really are struggling.

i dont want to read and run but to say it is ABSOLUTELY NOT TOO LATE RE EDUCATION... im 53 OP and went back to college part time a couple of years ago to take my maths and english gcse.

at 30 you can do this also... do one at a time and keep chipping away at your education. ive since gone on to do Science gcse and am doing one more gcse course this september. keep going.

youve got this

Please tell your parents, your mental health is worth so much more than staying in a job where you are so unappreciated. You might not feel it but you are young and it's certainly not too late to return to education. I know people who retrained in their 40s.
Good luck op!

You’ve made a great start and you’re not even OLD!!!

Are you exercising? Apart from the physical health benefits, it will make you feel so much better mentally. Stark with some brisk walking and build up from there.

I was also also going to suggest quitting that awful family right away and do some agency work until you've sorted out a course. Tell your parents, if my daughter was feeling the way you do, I absolutely would want to help her and in no way would think she had failed in any way. You can do this, you've already taken the first steps, just keep going.

Another one here to tell you it is NEVER too late to go back into education. I've done it more than once throughout my adult life. My MIL did it in her 40s. My SIL is doing it now and she's in her 40s.

"a 5yo telling you “you don’t mean anything in my family, no body likes you or your words”

Jesus Christ. I have a 5 yr old and I can't ever imagine him spewing something so vile to another person. Clearly learnt it from is vile parents.

Don't let them crush you. Tell them to stick their shit job up their arses. Tbh I can't understand why they would continue to employ someone they apparently dislike so much, which just leaves me thinking they're enjoying their despicable bullying.

It reminds me of this poor nanny:
www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/french-nanny-murder-london-tortured-burned-boyzone-kouider-medouni-sophie-lionnet-mark-walton-a8417441.html
(This is obviously an extreme case, and I'm not by any means suggesting this would happen to you, but the bullying really reminded me of this)

Get out. Go to college. You really are still young to take a different path. You deserve happiness.... happiness for YOU btw, not to please anyone else

Look into Access courses OP as opposed to A-Levels. Changed my life.

It sounds like you may have depression. Lots of things in your post resonated with me.

OP, you sound really depressed, and I’m not surprised, when you work for such a shit family who obviously don’t appreciate you.
Good nannies are like gold dust- if you left this ghastly family you could easily find a much nicer one, I’m sure. People often resort to “poaching” nannies from others, with offers of pay rises, own car etc!
If my kids had ever spoken to their two nannies the way your employer’s kids did, I would have given them a severe telling off and a lesson in manners.
I think your unhappiness from your job has spilled over into all other areas of your life - your self esteem is low, and you are describing yourself in very negative ways, such as overweight or lacking intelligence.

Why not draw a line under it all and start again? You are still young, you have options, you have parents who love you.
Sit down and think about what you’d really like to do with your life. Think of some fun treats- maybe an outing or holiday - that you deserve, to cheer you up after you escape from your horrible job. Explore possible A level courses in subjects you would enjoy studying. And start treating your own body with love and respect - take it for some nice walks, feed it some healthy food, cut down on junk.
I think your mood will soar once you feel more in control of your life, and are away from the dreadful abusive people who are dragging you down.
I’m sending you a big hug, lots of encouragement, and my prayers for your much happier future. God bless, OP.

Working for a family like that must be torture. You are in a lucky position in that you still live at home so you don’t have crazy rent to cover (unless your parents are charging you a lot). Do you have some savings from living at home? Absolutely sign up onto some classes, you will probably get to know some interesting people all with their own reasons for studying. Perhaps you could take a part time job in a shop or just babysitting for some cash flow? Don’t stay with that awful family. Hand your notice in and you will feel a weight lifted.

Thank You Thank You Thank You.

Your messages are so kind and gratefully received.

I hate work. I spend all weekend dreading it then the week dealing with it and in the evenings I’m constantly thinking about the behaviour of the children and wondering what I did wrong. It’s all consuming. I need to leave but I’m just not convinced I’m cut out to be a nanny anymore, I’m clearly not particularly great at it if I can’t manage the children and their behaviour

I’m very lucky that they only charge a very small rent allowing me to save. They are honestly the best parents but I do feel like I’ve let them down. As much as I never envisioned my life like this, I can’t imagine they invisioned it this way either

I’m going to take some steps to work towards digging myself out of this hole one way or another.

Thank you

Hi OP just thought I'd let you know you're not alone, currently silently crying in bed whilst my boyfriend sleeps because I'm having a panic attack and want to be at home.

Pray it gets better for the both of us.

Bless you, you're totally demoralised.

Yes you probably do need to stop being a nanny. There are courses you can do to prepare you for further training/another job, you don't have to have A levels. Look at the prospectus of a local college and see what you fancy. You can but try, nothing ventured nothing gained.

Today is the first day of the new you! Good luck.

Op you poor thing. It’s awful feeling this way. I think you should find another family to nanny for WHILE you look for new opportunities. Don’t let the best be the enemy of the good. You’ll feel a lot better in a temporary job for a nice family and it will give you 6 months or so’s breathing space to save and think about what you really want to do. And tell those awful parents about their child’s behaviour. That is vile and shocking.

please tell your parents how you feel.
My daughter is 30 and still lives with us, she has suffered bouts of really bad anxiety in the past but is now back out socialising and has a job she loves. I don't care what she does as long as she's happy.
She couldn't afford to move out at the moment anyway.
You are not too old to re train, please don't think that. I think it will give you a new lease of life, which slowly in turn will help you tackle how you feel about your weight.
This family is doing you no good, please leave the job.
I wish you well.

Lego I only know you from the Christmas threads but even from those I've figured out that you're lovely! What a crappy family they must be to treat you like that. You are worth much, much more.

No job is worth what this is doing to you Op
Please leave this awful demoralising family asap .They sound absolutely vile No wonder you are so run down as they are all chip away at your confidence every day
As others have said Today is a new day

First and foremost, leave the Adam’s Family!

As far as I know nanny’s are in demand, so you should be able to find another family whilst thinking more about what new path you want to take. X