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Original poster

I feel like I’m drowning

66 replies

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 29/08/2018 19:25

Need because frankly I’ve moaned so much on here I’m reasonably sure, and wouldn’t blame anyone if they were, people are fed up of it

I feel like I’m drowning. Compared to a lot of people, these are stupid problems but I’m just so overwhelmed...I’ve just bitten a hole in my cheek to stop myself from crying on the bus which really isn’t ideal.

I am so unhappy at work. I get treated like a child, spoken to like a fuckwit and belittled. I’m a nanny, the kids treat me like crap because the parents do. I am so tired, my love of the job is broken and I feel like I’ve nothing left to give. I dread going in each morning. It consumes me all weekend and I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach all weekend. I don’t want to nanny any more but Nannying is all I’ve ever done and I have no idea what to do next.
I want to go back and get my a levels because I fucked those up 12 y ago but I know I’m not clever enough to do it
I’m 30 and currently living at home because I can’t afford to move out (n London probs). I’ve no end of people telling me this is ridiculous. I know so many people judge me but I don’t know what to do

I have a huge (10st+) amount of weight to lose. The fear of something happening to me is all consuming and yet I can’t manage to do anything about it. I fail time and time again. I fuck up constantly

I constantly worry I’ve disappointed my family. I’m not the daughter my parents wanted I’m sure. I can’t even give them a grandchild

I feel like I can’t breath. I’m failing at every aspect in my life, I never imagined I’d have achieved so little at 30. I had some wonderful supportive threads around my birthday about this but I feel like I’m spiralling into a hole I can’t get out of and I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Pavlova31 · 01/09/2018 07:50

Great name for them MrsWhirly Smile
Op I think they will be well and truly left in the "Lurch" when you leave them Grin

toolazytothinkofausername · 01/09/2018 08:32

"I’m clearly not particularly great at it if I can’t manage the children and their behaviour"

BULLSHIT!!! You always get some families that are plain nasty! Think back to the other children you looked after, the ones with nice parents! They loved you and you loved them!

toolazytothinkofausername · 01/09/2018 08:35

You will either be great as a nanny for another kinder family, or you will be great going back to study! This is the time for you to live life for you!

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/09/2018 08:40

You're a nanny, in London - surely there are families crying out for you? You certainly don't have to stay with what sounds like a dreadful family. Are they your first job? If not, what were previous ones like? Why did you go into nannying in the first place?

In terms of education, you're 30. Thirty. That really is (I know you won't believe me) very, very young indeed. We're fed the discourse of everyone who's not in a high-flying job and on the 'property ladder' at 21 being a failure, but it's a load of crap. The whole property thing is changing anyway. It has to. It wasn't sustainable. Why do you think you're not clever enough to do your A-levels?

BirthdayKake · 01/09/2018 08:45

Lego honestly kids are twats sometimes. That is no reflection on you. My 2yo told me yesterday "I hate you and I hate sausages and beans!" before devouring her sausage and beans and screaming for me instead of DH at bedtime Hmm

And yes you definitely sound depressed. When I get like that my self esteem is so low and I feel crap about EVERYTHING. Your parents love you - they want you to be happy! I'm NC with my parents but they were so ashamed of me that I don't have a high flying career. I've always said that I don't care whether my children become hairdressers or barristers, or anything in between, as long as they're happy! And I'm sure your parents will think the same.

Crunchymum · 01/09/2018 08:46

I know for me, I cannot begin to successfully loose weight until I can tackle my triggers for comforting eating. I don't have quite so much to lose but now I'm tackling the issues in my life that make me feel so crap, I'm feeling more positive and determined.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 01/09/2018 08:50

What would you like to do job wise? What are your strengths and weaknesses

Redstar2014 · 01/09/2018 08:51

OP, best user name ever! Love it.
Do you have any money put aside so you can support yourself while you take a well-earned break? You need to remove yourself from the toxic family and take stock. Education is great, and if it feels right for you, do it; but reading your post, you sound like you already have more than enough about you to make a success of your life anyway.
Could you find a new, decent family? Work for an agency doing shorter or temporary contracts so you're not trapped into something again? It might help you regain your passion for nannying and raise your self-esteem. That will help kick-start other changes you want to make.
If further ed is the way to go, think about what you want to do at the end and tailor your choices to position yourself to achieve that end result.
Good luck - the only boss of you, is you. Thanks

ilovebagpuss · 01/09/2018 10:27

It sounds very much like the awful work place is the priority as many have mentioned. If you could serve notice on Monday then perhaps secure something temporary. Would your skills transfer to another child care setting? perhaps a childminder or nursery where you would have colleagues to chat with and less pressure just on you.
Definitely go back to study it’s never too late to change things it’s just our fear that holds us back. It’s your life try to be selfish about it and forget expectations of others.
Fitness wise I have recently bought a cheap version of the Fitbit and the steps counter is pushing me to walk a lot more and it’s not a huge step like joining a gym can seem.
Write that notice out! Flowers

0ccamsRazor · 01/09/2018 10:44

Op, you need to quit this family, they are not good for your self esteem, maybe handing in your notice asap.

Talk to your parents, let them know how you are feeling.

Can you find a part time nanny position? Or maybe a different line of work part time?

Going part time would free up some hours for you to devote to training or education in a field that interests you and would make you happy.

Part time would also allow you to join a weight loss group for support and an exercise class, maybe doing something that you like e.g. karate, badminton, yoga etc.

A trip to the gp for depression may be a prudent move also.

I hope that you feel better about yourself soon Flowers

IHeartKingThistle · 01/09/2018 21:42

@IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece you OK?

Pavlova31 · 01/09/2018 22:01

Just popped back to the thread to see how you are .
Also hoping you are ok tonight Op BrewCake

Isadora2007 · 01/09/2018 22:07

Hope you’re getting some support and ideas here... would you consider staying in child care and doing some qualifications in that at college as I doubt you’d ever need A levels given all your relevant experience.
What is your dream job?
It can be very hard to lose weight when you’re not being Kind to yourself and making good choices. I think your first steps need to be recognising that you’re a nice person who deserves people being kind to you. Including you.

Original poster
IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 02/09/2018 16:48

Having a shit day and my head isn’t screwed on enough to sit and read everything right now but I genuinely appreciate your replies xx

OP posts:
Original poster
IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 02/09/2018 16:48

Will read and reply when my brain works again!

OP posts:
chocolateworshipper · 02/09/2018 17:39

OP you are being bullied. It's going to be very hard for you to make decisions about what you want to do whilst you are being bullied. Are there any groups on social media where you can talk to other nannies and hear what it's like working for different families? I really think you should have an honest conversation with your parents. If I was your parent, I'd be telling you to hand in your notice NOW and I'd support you whilst you figure out what you want to do. I suggest you go and talk to someone at your local college, so you can see what the options are - they may have some ideas that you haven't thought of. You will obviously have a DBS clearance for your job, so how about contacting a local nursery and asking if you could come in for a week on a voluntary basis to see if that's a career you're interested in? Same with a carer job maybe? Also, don't believe that apprenticeships are just for school leavers - they're honestly not. You could do a Level 3 apprenticeship and be earning money whilst working towards a Level 3 qualification (equivalent to A levels).

I also think you should have an honest talk with your GP.

aintnothinbutagstring · 02/09/2018 17:50

Quit your job, its dragging you down. Sounds like you have a great deal of work experience behind you so finding another job shouldn't be hard. Look at evening courses. Just make one change at a time, no pressure or rush. I'd be ashamed if my dc ever talked badly to someone that was looking after them, god help them when they grow up.

pickingdaisies · 05/09/2018 08:10

OP you really, really need to step away from this job, this family. I've seen people crushed by bullies at work, they also thought it was their own fault, that they must be useless at their job, but once away from the bully they once again became their own, competent and happy selves. Get away from the bullies first, then you'll find that you are able to think clearly. Tell your mum, do it today.

Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 05/09/2018 09:19

I did a job I absolutely hated while DS was younger and needed someone to be with him before and after school.
The job fitted perfectly and wasn't all that badly paid so I stuck with it, with the promise that as soon as DS moved up then I would quit. When that glorious day finally came and I handed in my notice I suddenly realised how all consuming my unhappiness in my work was. I would generally consider myself to be levelheaded and not prone to MH issues so it was a bit of a shock to discover how little of the person I used to be I had become. Once I had quit I found that all my other problems become so much more manageable.
If you consider how much time you spend at work it stands to reason that being unhappy in your job will have a huge impact on the rest of your life. Life is too short for that shit, and I now spend my time loudly encouraging people to make plans and move on if they are unhappy Smile

Original poster
IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 05/09/2018 19:05

Today I had a good day, in the sense that behaviour was pretty good, house was reasonably tidy meaning I only had about 20mins of tidying to do, dinner was prepped yesterday and everyone ate it and the baby was happy and smiley.

That, by usual standards is an excellent day. And it wasn’t enough. I came out of there feeling incredibly low, stressed and thoroughly fed up. I could easily have a little cry on the bus right now

I also feel crap with a sore throat and achyness and an incredibly sore toe which is making me fed up but not enough for how I feel.

I need to quit the job don’t i

OP posts:
beachcomber243 · 05/09/2018 19:20

Yes, you really do. No one, No one is worth losing your mental health for and you are sounding very low. Talk to your parents and use the fact that you live at home still as an opportunity, a chance to change your circumstances, study or find a new job. There must be a great call for nannies in London. Advertise, go to an agency, look into OU courses.

You are still young and have the time and can do so much with your life that doesn't involve working for people who demean you.

toolazytothinkofausername · 05/09/2018 19:45

In December is the summer holidays for children in Australia. Could you find an agency that could get you a job as a summer aupair?

Original poster
IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 05/09/2018 20:22

I’ve had a good cry (which didn’t help the sore throat and headache!) and think I now need to come up with a plan.

I’m desperate to call in sick tomorrow just for a break (I’m definitely coming down with something but by no means sick day worthy!!) and I hate that I have never pulled a sicky in my life and have had 4 days off in 9 years and I feel like I’ve been pushed to this.

Don’t worry, I won’t pull a sicky, I’m just sad I feel resorted to

OP posts:
toolazytothinkofausername · 05/09/2018 20:25

Pull a sickie and binge watch an entire season!

AdelaideK · 05/09/2018 21:40

Oh god please leave your job. Life is too short to get treated like this.

Tell your parents. They will want you to leave too. I would if you were my daughter. They certainly won't be disappointed in you. They'll probably just be relieved you're ok.