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Original poster

WWYD: text re DD doctors appt which I haven’t made

90 replies

RoseELupe · 24/08/2018 16:49

I had a text around an hr ago reminding me about DD13 doctors appointment next Tuesday. I haven’t made her an appt. I logged onto patient access and she has an appt at 3.20 next Tuesday.

Yesterday she asked me if she could go to her friends next Tuesday as they wanted to go to the cinema. I realise now she was lying because she has a GP appt and doesn’t want me to know.

Would you mention it to her? That I know she’s lying and obviously needs the GP for something? She definitely is NOT pregnant. She’s just had her period last week.

OP posts:

musmusculus · 24/08/2018 17:40

Do not say a word about it! It could be something other than the acne, in which case I'd rather she was doing what she is in acting maturely and seeking help for whatever the problem. Its incredibly grown up of her and I doubt very much a GP would go ahead and prescribe the pill off the back of a first appointment, aged 13 without a parent there.

Does your online system also show records and current medication? Ours does, maybe that will offer you some relief.

I this situation I think Id let her go, and be patiently waiting in the GP carpark after to take her out for pizza and a friendly chat

NellieBee · 24/08/2018 17:41

I'd tell her I got the text, offer her a lift and congratulate her on being so mature.

Whatsthisbear · 24/08/2018 17:41

I would not tell as she may not attend and therefore won't get the help the requires and could be reluctant to seek medical advice in the future.

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NerrSnerr · 24/08/2018 17:44

I'm soryy but at 13 there's no way I'd allow my DC to make medical decisions or appointments without my knowledge.

That's not your choice. If your child is deemed competent then the law states they can.

abacucat · 24/08/2018 17:45

And no GP would take lightly putting a 13 year old on the pill. If it was acne, there are other options.
But she could be going for other reasons/

NerrSnerr · 24/08/2018 17:45

I wonder who told her she could do this without your permission?

Someone with knowledge of the law maybe? Or the Internet

Bombardier25966 · 24/08/2018 17:48

I'm soryy but at 13 there's no way I'd allow my DC to make medical decisions or appointments without my knowledge

If they're competent then that's not your decision to make.

If they are prescribed further medication or have a medical emergency then the healthcare professionals will have access to the child's medical records so they will know what they are taking.

Bombardier25966 · 24/08/2018 17:50

I this situation I think Id let her go, and be patiently waiting in the GP carpark after to take her out for pizza and a friendly chat

The premise is good, but I wouldn't be outside waiting. She'll think she's being spied on

Fresta · 24/08/2018 17:51

I have a 13 year old dd too and 13 is very young to go to the doctors without consulting a parent. I would, tactfully, have to say something if that was my dd- I can't imagine her doing that though as she still seems like a child to me and I'm sure she'd ask for help from me first. I know some 13 year olds are more mature than others, but even so...

PinkDaffodil2 · 24/08/2018 17:52

Please don’t mention it before the appointment or she may clam up, not tell you and also not go to the appointment for whatever it is she wants help for.
After the appointment I’d mention the text to her, and let her know she can chat to you if she wants but that you respect her privacy. As a GP it would be odd but not unheard of for a 13 yo to come alone. It might be about her acne and she thinks you don’t ‘get’ how bad it is or would disapprove of the pill which she thinks will help. If this is the case then I’d hope that the GP is able to reassure her about the severity of the acne and explore other treatments with her. She may be happy to talk to you about it after the appointment of this is the case.

CherryPavlova · 24/08/2018 17:59

Under 13 is an automatic safeguarding referral if contraception is discussed - even if it’s ‘for acne’. 13-16 the GP needs to consider whether there is a safeguarding risk. They need to encourage the child to tell their parent and involve them. They need to be sure the child can understand fully the risks and benefits.

Personally, as she’s still so young I’d ask her. I’d not want mine worrying about something I could support them with. Thirteen is too young for absolute privacy. You as a parent need to know if she’s had or is considering sexual activity and tell her it’s illegal. What if it’s with a lad of 17 who ends up on sex offenders list and has his life ruined? What if it’s a dirty old man? She’s too young not to be protected from herself.

sirfredfredgeorge · 24/08/2018 18:01

Don't kids at school get told they can make GP appointments themselves?

You'd certainly hope so.

First up, you need to complain to the doctors surgery about getting the text for an appointment you didn't make, you're not going to abuse your daughter and are happy she's seeking attention but other kids seeing the doctor might not have as sane parents, you need to protect those by getting the doctors surgery to stop.

As to if you should talk about it with your daughter, that's trickier, she chose to make it without your knowledge, I think she has the right to continue with that, but now you obviously know. Personally I would say no reason to, but there's no clear right or wrong answer and a lot would depend on the relationship and where she's at with various things.

DancingDot · 24/08/2018 18:04

I agree with those who are saying that 13 is very young... and I would absolutely talk to her about it. I would also talk to her before she goes to the GP but tell her how proud you are of her that she felt empowered and confident enough to make the appointment and she has your full support to go alone or with you.

I don't think going on the pill at 13 is great - solely for health reasons. I'd like to think that a decent GP will spend time going over potential long term side effects of the pill, but in reality they are limited to a 10/15 minute maximum appointment and that doesn't seem enough time for a thirteen year old to make an informed decision about her body or to look at all of the alternatives for acne...or birth control.

A good parent doesn't just blindly respect a 13 year old's privacy. A good parent checks in, offers advice and supports unconditionally. She is very much still a child.

abacucat · 24/08/2018 18:04

GPs have a legal responsibility to probe why a teenager wants contraception, including age of bf/gf.
But I know a teenage boy who went to GP without parents knowledge because he had a swelling on his testicle. It was cancer.
Teenagers get embarrassed about talking about all kinds of things to their parents. It could literally save their life being able to go to a GP anonymously.

musmusculus · 24/08/2018 18:04

*I this situation I think Id let her go, and be patiently waiting in the GP carpark after to take her out for pizza and a friendly chat

The premise is good, but I wouldn't be outside waiting. She'll think she's being spied on wink*

fair point, on second thoughts. Tell her you know, offer take her to the appointment but wait in the car, dont go in with her THEN take her for pizza and chat. If she wants to open up she will. then sneakily look for a prescription

RoboJesus · 24/08/2018 18:06

I would leave it. Then on Tuesday afternoon ask if everything's ok. If she says she's fine I wouldn't probe any further but remind her that she can always come to you with anything and you're there for her whenever she needs you

NerrSnerr · 24/08/2018 18:07

I would also talk to her before she goes to the GP but tell her how proud you are of her that she felt empowered and confident enough to make the appointment and she has your full support to go alone or with you.

If that was 13 year old me I'd deny all knowledge to my mum that I made the appointment, not go as I'd know my mum would be waiting afterwards to try and talk again and I'd end up continuing to suffer with whatever I'd made the appointment for. My mum wasn't bad, she wasn't abusive but I couldn't confide in her and was mortified when she tried to talk about personal things.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 24/08/2018 18:12

She’s going behind your back because for some reason, real or imagined, which doesn’t want to discuss with you. Perhapa she was more let down about the acne issue than you realise. Either way, she is very young still, I think it would be wise to let her know you know about the appointment, but tell her this afterwards, while allowing her privacy if she really wants it. I wasn’t able to talk to my mother about anything growing up for fear of her reaction, hopefully your daughter will feel very differently about you.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 24/08/2018 18:12

I’d leave it and let her talk to a professional.

DancingDot · 24/08/2018 18:17

NerrSnerr...I suppose Op knows best about her and her daughters relationship. You are right some kids just can't talk to their parents but perhaps as she has already approached OP about the pill it might indicate that she is more comfortable than you were with your mum. I agree it is tricky though. I would also be concerned with building that kind of honest relationship if it wasn't there before. If the child feels like she can't talk to mum about something fairly minor like birth control for acne, what else is she frightened of talking about. I fully support a child's right to see a doctor alone and for full confidentiality (unless risk of harm), but that doesn't mean that parents should ignore anything they think may be harmful to their child.

snozzlemaid · 24/08/2018 18:32

There are lots of other options GP can prescribe apart from going on the pill.
What a shame she feels she can't talk to you about this and has gone behind your back.

Original poster

RoseELupe · 24/08/2018 19:16

Thanks for all the replies.

She has the full range of Mario Badesco stuff for young skin, to me it honestly looks like normal teenage skin although she did moan last week that she thought it was bad again but she also got her period that week too so that may be why it had flared up.

Yes I can check on her patient access for acute or repeat prescriptions but that really would feel like a breach of privacy.

I’m going to go with the consensus and not mention until after the appt. But I’ll ask her that day what time she’ll be home and if she needs a lift so that may illicit some response!

OP posts:

Violetroselily · 24/08/2018 19:24

Complain to the surgery? For using the contacting the number that they have on record for the patient? Jesus wept.

OrcinusOrca · 24/08/2018 19:26

I went to the GP secretly at 14 for the pill. I was being abused and he didn't wear condoms.

If I had been rumbled or my DM waded in I may never have gone. I might have ended up pregnant though. My GP was amazing. I would have never told DM or GP about the abuse and would have lied if asked certain questions to avoid discovery for fear of what he would do. It was the best outcome for me to be able to make that appt and get that prescription.

Sorry to be so dark with my example.

Reaa · 24/08/2018 19:27

You may find she talks to you after the appointment and if her acne is not as bad as she thinks it is then I'm sure the GP won't prescribe anything unnecessary.

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