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Original poster

WWYD: text re DD doctors appt which I haven’t made

90 replies

RoseELupe · 24/08/2018 16:49

I had a text around an hr ago reminding me about DD13 doctors appointment next Tuesday. I haven’t made her an appt. I logged onto patient access and she has an appt at 3.20 next Tuesday.

Yesterday she asked me if she could go to her friends next Tuesday as they wanted to go to the cinema. I realise now she was lying because she has a GP appt and doesn’t want me to know.

Would you mention it to her? That I know she’s lying and obviously needs the GP for something? She definitely is NOT pregnant. She’s just had her period last week.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoseELupe · 24/08/2018 17:11

I didn’t say no as I was concerned she was going to go out and have sex. I’d just rather she wasn’t taking hormones at 13 for what is relatively mild acne.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 24/08/2018 17:12

Loads of my class were on the pill for skin problems.

YeTalkShiteHen · 24/08/2018 17:12

Mild to you, or to her?

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Original poster
RoseELupe · 24/08/2018 17:14

Yes I suppose mild to me. She only asked once so I presumed she wasn’t bothered. If she’s still wanting the pill I’m happy to discuss it with her. I think I’ll wait until after her appt and mention it then.

I don’t know how to change the patient access thing without telling her to log in and change her password for her medical record. Also my phone number is on her record hence why I got the text, she’ll need to change that too.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 24/08/2018 17:15

I wouldn't mention it and I would call the surgery and ask for alerts to be stopped for her or changed to her number. It's her body and she can choose to discuss it with whoever she wants to. If you try and talk about it there's a chance she might be too embarrassed and cancel and feel she can't go to the GP to talk about something private.

Reaa · 24/08/2018 17:20

Adding to my earlier comment I would not tell as she may not attend and therefore won't get the help the requires and could be reluctant to seek medical advice in the future.

montenuit · 24/08/2018 17:22

i disagree with most of the above PPs. She is 13 (not 18 or even 15). I would tell her you know she has a GP appointment and what is it about?

Re the pill for acne, does she really have acne or just spotty? What products does she use and what is she doing to calm it?

CherryChatsworth · 24/08/2018 17:23

I wouldn't keep quiet about this. She's 13, not 16. You need to tell her you've received a text and ask her why she has made a doctors appointment and not told you. Can't believe any mother out there would do any different with a child this age

CherryChatsworth · 24/08/2018 17:24

Sounds like it could be wanting the pill for acne. I'd be open to a discussion about that providing it actually was for acne.

Missingstreetlife · 24/08/2018 17:27

She's not with you or other parents. She is lying to you, now to go to gp, later to do something else. It's tricky, they think they are grown up but still need guidance. Hard to know how to help without interfering. Let her go, but then pull her up about lying, you may need to contact her or know where she is sometime. Hard times

AFistfulofDolores1 · 24/08/2018 17:28

Why don't you tell her the truth? That feels good enough.

toothtruth · 24/08/2018 17:28

I think its a good idea to speak with her about it AFTER her appointment. Because what if you do it before hand and she just lies about it and then doesnt go? You will then never know what it was about and whatever thing she needed/wanted she will have not gotten.

Bufferingkisses · 24/08/2018 17:28

I would keep quiet. At least until after the appointment. At 13 it must have taken some guts to make the appointment and create a situation where she can attend. Whatever it's about it is important to her and she doesn't want you to know. If you reveal you do know it could lead to her not getting the help she needs and, as you don't know what it is for, that could be serious. Let her get the help then go from there imo.

steff13 · 24/08/2018 17:29

I didn’t say no as I was concerned she was going to go out and have sex. I’d just rather she wasn’t taking hormones at 13 for what is relatively mild acne.

Did you discuss alternatives? There are lots of acne treatments available. Maybe a dermatologist appointment is in order.

youokhon · 24/08/2018 17:30

She's 13. I completely disagree with the posters saying change the login and number so that you no longer get a heads up when she has made an appointment.

If it were my dd I'd breezily remind her to not forget the appointment as the surgery has text, and remind her that although of course she is old enough to go on her own you are always there if she wants to talk about any medical issues. Try and keep the communication open but don't place all the emphasis on her privacy just yet. She's still a child.

toothtruth · 24/08/2018 17:31

and I dont agree that this is the same as lying... privacy regarding your own body and medical issues is something to be supported so its not as simple as 'she must tell her mother the truth'. Yes shes only very young but you dont want to foster the idea in her that she cant access medical services anonymously if she needs to... I actually think its really admirable that she has had the intelligence and confidence to sort out her own medical appointment... even if its sad she has not felt that she could tell the OP. I dont think this is something that should be met with anger.

olderthanyouthink · 24/08/2018 17:33

I think it's great that she felt that she could make a GP appointment if she felt she needed it. So she didn't tell you 🤷‍♀️ talking to your parents about stuff can be awkward AF.

I think you should tell her after the appointment that you got a notification so she can be confident that you are ok with her seeking medical help and that you won't be overbearing about it. Maybe then she'll talk to you about whatever's up.

Plus I'm sure if it was serious the dr would encourage her to talk to you. My gp encourages me to talk to close friends or family about stuff (MH mostly) and I'm 22.

mumsastudent · 24/08/2018 17:33

I wonder who told her she could do this without your permission? Why don't you raise the subject of the pill for acne again without mentioning you know she has a doctors appointment? was it dianette? onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/what-is-dianette the doctor may actually prescribe her something else first -I bet many of her friends have been placed on the pill privately -

vjg13 · 24/08/2018 17:35

My 15 year old attended an asthma review last week and the nurse acted very surprised that she went on her own (was at hospital with other daughter). Can the Dr give a prescription to an under 16?

Minniemagoo · 24/08/2018 17:36

I'm soryy but at 13 there's no way I'd allow my DC to make medical decisions or appointments without my knowledge.
That doesn't mean I wouldn't allow them make decisions just that I should be informed.
What if they have a reaction to something, or later have to have a medication that is contra indicated. I feel I need to know their medical history.
In your situation I would speak to my DD and explain I would like to be kept informed.

MaverickSnoopy · 24/08/2018 17:36

As a teenager and young adult I never felt comfortable talking to my mum about personal stuff, largely because she never really involved herself, asked questions or facilitated a relaxed environment about personal topics. Several times when I needed her I tried to go to her but couldn't get the words out due to embarrassment. We were so close but not about bodies/development etc and I deeply wish we had been.

Personally I think you should be proud of her for being so independent but also tell her you've had a text and that you know she has an appointment, but that she doesn't have to tell you the details but if she wants to you are here and will support her. If my mum had done that I think we would have been closer for it.

EvaHarknessRose · 24/08/2018 17:36

Its unlikely but not impossible that the gp will consider her to have capacity/gillick competency, as she is so far off 16, and it might ring safeguarding bells that she is going without you tbh, however they will probably suggest she discusses it with you or her Dad.

Maybe indicate your openess to a discussion by asking how are you getting on with your skin now, did you want to talk about going to the doctors. Or actually I would probably just let her know I got the text reminder and check if she wants a lift.

abacucat · 24/08/2018 17:37

Don't kids at school get told they can make GP appointments themselves?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 24/08/2018 17:40

She's 13. Very very young to be keeping medical stuff from her parents. I have a 13yo (albeit a boy) and would want to know if he was making doctors' appointments. So while I entirely sympathise with most PPs' position and understand where it's coming from, I'd be handling it a bit differently. I'd tell her that I'd received a text and while I was very proud of her for taking responsibility for her own health, I'd much prefer to know at this stage about any medical needs she feels she has. I'd offer to go to the appt with her. If she didn't want to talk about it with me in the room, that was fine, she could go in on her own and the doctor would keep confidentiality. But I would prefer to know so I could help her if possible and offer my view. And if it was do do with sex or contraception, that is a situation we need to talk about, as she's well under the age of consent.

abacucat · 24/08/2018 17:40

And if teenagers think that their mum will force them to tell them why they went to the GP, most will simply not go. Far worse scenario. GPs encourage kids to tell their parents about going to the GP and why.
And don't assume if is automatically about the pill, although it may be.