My kids are not having the childhood I would like them to and I don't think there's anything I can do

[losenotloose]

It makes me feel terrible, my heart aches. On the good side, they have two involved parents, everything they need materially, meals out, day trips, swimming lessons etc. But they are not out playing with their friends, socialising, exploring, gaining independence.

They both have friends at school, and dc2 has friends round to play after school here and there, but that's almost it. Over the holiday ds1 has gone swimming with a friend twice and ds2 has been to a friend's house once. They're stuck with us far too much. I long for them to be out and about having a wonderful summer. Ds2 doesn't seem too bothered but ds1 is 12 and it's having a bad affect on him. He has said himself he wants to be away from us and I get how he feels.

I don't expect any answers just need to get it off my chest, and maybe some sympathy.

Thanks

At 12 I would be looking for an active scout group, cadets, drama, something with lots of extras. Try a few groups. My kids went from a scout group with one camp per year to one with about 8 camps a year plus numerous one day events.

My eldest is 12 and I totally understand you. He's gone to a 'good' school quite far away from here, so doesn't have many friends living locally, despite playing in a local football team/ going to scouts in the village hall/ primary school friends not too far away.
I don't know what the answer is, but I feel the same. Hopefully someone will make some suggestions!

Can you have one of DS1s friends over to play? At the weekend if you work full time?

I work 4 very long days and somehow putting the kids into holiday clubs in the summer does make me feel more guilty than before and after school club

He's recently joined scouts with a school friend but it's early days. It's difficult because he's not keen on joining any clubs. Also, I don't know if it's a London thing but a lot of the kids around seem too cool for school, iykwim. With scouts it's like the kids act like they don't enjoy it.

Yes! My children are only five and two and I have started to realise the same. When I was young we just ran outside all day with our friends.
Have realised my kids won't have the same as trying to arrange play dates around working parents in the hols etc. I really, really believe free unstructured time for kids doing their own thing is really important and I am not sure how to make sure they have this.

Was thinking about maybe trying to start a group for parents who feel the same, so that we can take kids for some free play time, at each others houses or in local woods or whatever.
I really worry about my son too. I am not surprised kids mental health is so bad when they have so much less time free unstructured time doing their own thing with friends than we had. I am sure that must be one of the factors in kids declining mental health.

I think it's a funny age to be honest. When they are 14 upwards I'll bet you will barely see them anymore. DD was 12 last summer and was the same so this year I organised loads of stuff so she hasn't had so much time by herself (a bit of course to relax but not constant like some of her friends). We've done 3 short breaks instead of one big holiday - camping, caravan and centre parcs (all with family friends). Plus I sent her to her grandparents to work for a few days.

Kids are out a lot less nowadays so the bit between primary and maybe year 9 is tricky as they aren't totally independent yet and lots of parents won't let them go far. It will get better in the next few years don't worry :)

DS2 has LD. He has no friends outside of school.

DS1 has friends in school but I hate having kids round to the house so rarely do it. He sees them at rugby and cubs and on frikkin fortnite.

Try not to stress about t it too much.

The good old days weren’t all that, op

I think its normal tbh. We've seen a few friends over the summer but none from school for youngest DS (9), his choice, and this is the first summer eldest DS (14) has independently met up with a few friends. I think we have to accept that life is different these days and a lot of kids don't have the freedom we had, however they do have lots of other benefits. Mine have clubs and hobbies that my parents could never have afforded, other life experiences like going out for meals, going camping etc. Plenty of chill out time at home too. I think its a good balance on the whole.

Thanks, you're all making me feel a bit better. I do think it's better for them to be playing out but I obviously can't make it happen.

I am hoping it will get better with age. I was talking to my dsis and she was telling me that where she lives (welwyn garden city) the kids all go out on their bikes, in the forest etc. I worry that my dcs experience is stifling their development.

My son is 13. We live rurally, so he never sees anyone out of school. He goes to a few evening things but generally spends time with us and his siblings. Growing up I had friends in my street so it was really easy to be out playing. I don't really know how to engineer situations for him in the holidays/weekends because there's no public transport for him to visit potential friends and I can't just drive around, waiting to turf him out of the car wherever we see some eligible teenagers! No advice, sorry. Just wanted to share my similar experience.

I think part of the problem is that I barely have any friends myself. We're a bit isolated. Rarely any visitors, days out are just us too.

That's interesting, manic. I was thinking the problem is made worse living in London but it sounds like you're in a similar boat.

Get googling and see what there is locally.
I am outsider here and I had to push for play dates but the dds have established reciprocal play dates and sleepovers.

I would also be googling youth services now as the12 year old is old enough for that now

At 12 I would be looking for an active scout group, cadets, drama, something with lots of extras. Try a few groups.

This.

For the longer term, get them involved in something away form you like cadets/scouts.

Short term - can you get them into last minute availability PGL holidays for a week if money isn't an issue?

I hear you lose and had this headache with mine all the time. Virtually no friends locally to play with, feeling like I had to engineer everything all the time instead of just them being able to play outside. The only thing that helped me was a local sports club, sorry I am not much help but I do hope things pick up, I would say 'try not to worry too much' but I know how hard it is!

Really, really believe free unstructured time for kids doing their own thing is really important and I am not sure how to make sure they have this.
Was thinking about maybe trying to start a group for parents who feel the same, so that we can take kids for some free play time, at each others houses or in local woods or whatever.

Go camping!

Hoards of children riding bikes, running around etc.

Too old for kids stuff but not quite teenagers, nightmare. Invite his friends round, give them some money to go the cinema, swimming and sports are good. Clearly you don't want them hanging round the shopping centre but they can go out for a couple of hours.

Oh I hear you OP. I knew you were in London before I read that, what you say is so reminiscent of what I have thought over the past couple of years. Everything has to be so micromanaged by me or it just doesn't happen and it is quite tiring, and that is not the way it should be happening. I think it is down to really busy roads, everything costing money to do, no friends in the neighbouring streets (my dd goes to school about 20 minutes away on the tube) and a sense of apathy on her part.

Save up and send them on something like one of these next year

www.essentialsurrey.co.uk/kids-schools/best-international-summer-camps-teenagers-adventure/#page=1

Could you move to somewhere where it is safe to let kids out to play?

I'm not sure I'd be happy living somewhere where a 12yo couldn't walk to the local park with some mates.

Doesn't your 12yo text friends to arrange meet ups?

Book yourself in to the nearest caravan holiday park would be my advice!

DD is the same, it's just been me and her over the six weeks apart from a handful of playdates and she's bored of me now. But it's a bit rough where we live so I don't let her play out.
We went to Haven in May, she played out with a load of kids around the caravans, on bikes etc until 10pm each night, truly had the time of her life!

Yes, very similar boat. Maybe for different reasons but the result is the same (sorry, no clue how to tag your name!) And I feel crap about it. I'm the same as you - I don't really have many friends & certainly none with similar-aged kids. Your DS is very lucky in that he has involved parents. I try to remind myself that there are so many positives to our situation as well but it doesn't stop the pangs, does it?

Another one who would recommend air cadets. my friend's so on joined and has. been all over the place - he's even been climbing the sea stacks and had a ride in a Chinook!

Manic agree with your positive slant as it is easy to get doom and gloom about it, as I have many times!

What I will say is that both my DC, DD (now 16yrs) in particularly have grown up with a very good relationship with me. When she was little my heart physically ached for her to have a friend to play with. She is very close to me now and will talk to me about anything and when I read some of the teenage threads that is a huge plus.