My kids are not having the childhood I would like them to and I don't think there's anything I can do

[losenotloose]

It makes me feel terrible, my heart aches. On the good side, they have two involved parents, everything they need materially, meals out, day trips, swimming lessons etc. But they are not out playing with their friends, socialising, exploring, gaining independence.

They both have friends at school, and dc2 has friends round to play after school here and there, but that's almost it. Over the holiday ds1 has gone swimming with a friend twice and ds2 has been to a friend's house once. They're stuck with us far too much. I long for them to be out and about having a wonderful summer. Ds2 doesn't seem too bothered but ds1 is 12 and it's having a bad affect on him. He has said himself he wants to be away from us and I get how he feels.

I don't expect any answers just need to get it off my chest, and maybe some sympathy.

Thanks

Don't any of their schoolfriends live close by? Are they on social media - if so they could chat to friends and arrange things to do.
I am not in London so don't know if things are done differently there but my DCs at similar age would have been arranging to do meet-ups with friends for food, cinema, ice-skating, park etc and also going to each others' houses. I tend to find that by this stage of the summer holiday a lot of people are back from trips away and the kids are keen to socialise before going back to school. Maybe this is something that your boys or you could arrange.

I understand. My 13yo went through a phase of 'playing out' last summer but this year he says wherever he tries going there are older teenagers smoking - I really don't want him hanging about getting up to no good. But it is a shame it's not how it was years ago. My DC tried scouts (2 groups) but it was pretty lame, the volunteers are lovely and well meaning but it just doesn't really float his boat.

Even going to the cinema with friends requires an adult to book tickets online first.

We had a short camping break which was lovely - they just went off and played.

It depends on the child, my 13 yr old son has only met up with friends a few times this summer but 11 year old is at the park playing football and at friends houses most days.I would just encourage him to text his friends asking if anyone wants to meet up.

Mine are much younger than yours but we are planning on more family friendly festivals where we can camp. Our local ones are pretty cheap and mine love playing with the other children.

Really, really believe free unstructured time for kids doing their own thing is really important and I am not sure how to make sure they have this.

But this is a massive contradiction in terms. Leave the children alone to get bored and sooner or later they will presumably think of something. It needs to come from them.

(Though you may need to help with money or lifts for some suggestions.)

Not everyone needs friends.

I didn't as a child, and I still don't now - I can join a work crowd and fake being gregarious, but outside work my partner and kids provide me all the social interaction I need.

I hate this "extravert=good, introvert=bad" business.

I have lived in Welwyn Garden City and my advice to you is to stop listening to your sister. It is not the promised land.

He didn't make good friends in primary unfortunately. He's made friends in secondary but it hasn't turned into outside of school friendship yet. I'm hoping it will come with time. He did try to arrange to meet a local school friend who said he didn't really go out! And we recently moved and the lovely boy next door doesn't seem to do going out either. As far as leaving him to get so bored he comes up with something, believe me, it doesn't always work. We limit technology etc, he just doesn't have anyone to call on.

only I'm not trying to force him to be an extrovert, he's desperate to be out and about! Ds2 is a happy chappy regardless.

Are there any sports courses they could attend?

I think it's cultural now kids just don't "play out" you would be seen as negligent round here if you let under 10 s roam freely. Fortunately we have a low key open air but heated pool lots of our friends members too. That's the only place this summer kids have "played free" though we there watching but not involved

Would you consider boarding school for your eldest at least?

I know boarding school wouldn't solve the holidays. But it might make the more solitary holidays bearable.
I am an only child who begged, aged 10, to go to boarding school because I wanted to muck around with my mates. So I understand where your DS is coming from

I'll look into air cadets. I suggested it might be worth him going to some kind of holiday club but he was adamant he didn't want to go so I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like to go to boarding school!

Actually, time with you and other family is the most crucial for development at this age - lots of activities, games, guidance, family meals and love. But you have to stay involved and interested and be fun. They see enough of friends in school and social connections will grow gradually, mainly from 16 on.

Did he say what put him off a holiday club?

OH and I say this regularly! Our two go out on their bikes, go swimming and walk to the local shops but not every day and they're often hanging round the house (on frigging Fortnite) or with us. The thing is, even at 12 and 14, they're happy to do things with us and aren't embarrassed at all if they're seen out and about with their folks!

Half of me things they should be out all the time but then I think we should appreciate the fact that they both obviously have a nice time with us!

He's never been to one because I work term time only. He just isn't keen on organised fun, which I do understand but it's a bit frustrating when he keeps moaning about being bored. Beggars can't be choosers!

Do you have an evidence base for anything you have just said there Eva?

I'm pretty sure independent, unstructured play is considered very important to healthy cognitive development.

What exactly is the barrier to him going out?

Is it that he doesn't have a friend to go out with or that your area isn't safe for him to go out in?

If he had a local mate to go and hang out with would he be allowed to go?

No one to go with. He has one friend he occasionally goes out swimming with. Although I don't want him hanging around the streets there are a couple of local parks I'm happy for him to go to. His friends are all new so I can't be the one arranging play dates either.

My 11 year old doesn't do much in the holidays either. No children of a similar age on our road for her to play with. She won't do holiday clubs. She won't do things like guides or sports clubs. I constantly try to arrange playdates for her but her friends from school are usually busy doing clubs and hobbies. There's not much I can do about it, as it's her choice to hang out at home so I don't stress about it.

I don't think trying to arrange 'play dates' for a 12yo would do much for his street cred anyway!

Does he have a phone/ laptop etc so he has access to social media? I know it can be evil- but it is also how young people communicate now. If he uses it carefully it will help him.

At the end of the day, at 12, he has to do the work himself of forming a social network, but you can maybe support him to do it. Does he have extra-curricular interests that he can do at school or locally to meet some likeminded kids? If so you could prompt him to connect with kids there via text or social media and support him to move it to out of school contact.

I would recommend scouts too. DS was off to summer camp every summer break, plus weekend camps throughout the year. He slept under the stars, did the coast to coast walk, learnt how to build fires, cook in an earth oven, make a raft out of oil drums and use it on a river, swimming, canoeing and surfing and loads more...

It really built up his confidence.

This is the reason we go camping. I always say that camping gives my kids a little taste of how my childhood was. They get to make friends,roam free and feel a bit more independent. We do two or three weekends a year and always camp for two weeks in the summer holidays.