Should I give the new baby my nieces bedroom

[newmummy0094]

Hello

I'm five months pregnant and I have just started thinking about where it is going to sleep.

So here's the dilemma. We have four bedrooms one of which is in the attic. Then there's one at one side of the house and two next to each other.

The two next to each other are the biggest apart from the attic one.
At the moment we have one of the two and my niece has the other.
She sleeps at my house every Friday to Saturday and also comes every Tuesday.
She also come when her parents go on a weekend away or on holiday which is probably every other month.

Me and my niece spent ages decorating it together and we went and got wall stickers and decorations.

The thing is I know that the bedroom is really important to her. However the other room is quite far from our bedroom and a lot smaller.

What should I do??

I'd leave your niece where she is for now, then decide what to do about rooms further down the line. When I had DS he co-slept in my room for 12 months as it was the best way to get the most rest, so it might be a while before you need to deal with this anyway. You could put baby's stuff in the small room for now, but leave decorating etc until they're ready for their own room.
You sound like the most amazing aunt and sister, your niece is very lucky to have you.

The only thing that happened when DNeph started school is he told people he had two Mums, which made people think my sister was a lesbian That was fun to explain.

I’ll add that DSis was and remains a single parent, her ex has never even met DNeph through his own choice, so there is no BIL in my case.

OP - I understand how you feel. I’ve often thought it would be better for DNeph to live with me and visit his mother, but her getting better was also dependent on her being able to bond with and look after her own child. I had raging PND for the first time after my third was born, and whilst DSis was not any practical help, it was a great help to talk to someone who completely understood how I felt, and I still had DNeph because I love him and he’s not even remotely a burden, despite others telling me she was taking the piss because he’s now 10.

I also have to tell her that I won't be able to pick her up from school for a bit when the baby comes

You sound like you are making this into a big deal for your niece. You don't have to. You can pick her up when baby has arrived as normal, she just needs to know, near the time, that it may be X one day of you have been taken in to have the baby. After baby is here though you can carry on as normal!

You need to decide which room you want which child to end up with and then sort it. Don't think a 4yo will attach adult thoughts to it. She won't.

I also looked after my niece from Thursday to Monday every week for years. When my DS was born she kept her room but now I’m due a second baby she will have to move into the guest room rather than have one that’s just hers. She is now 13 though and so this isn’t an issue for her, especially as she stays a lot less now she wants to see her friends over the weekend (I live 50 minute drive away).

What does your husband say? I feel sorry for you, you seem to have the whole responsibility of this relationship on your shoulders.

I meant your sister's illness not relationship sorry.

You can pick her up when baby has arrived as normal, she just needs to know, near the time, that it may be X one day of you have been taken in to have the baby. After baby is here though you can carry on as normal!

You don't know the OPs circumstances though! If she needs a section, and can't drive, it's entirely possible she can't carry on as normal

It's also totally totally fine that she might not want to carry on as normal
It's perfectly understandable to want to recover and bond with your baby rather than doing the school run for someone else's baby

There should be absolutely zero expectation on OP to 'carry on as normal' when she has just had a baby

If dn was actually your eldest child what would you do about the rooms then?
Would the other bedroom really be considered to be too far away for a younger sibling?
If you think about it that way does it help with coming to a decision?

She needs time to relax?! Don't we all Hun!

Why do people have to be so unkind about the Mum getting some time off. Is it jealously? Because I’m sure you wouldn’t be jealous of the breakdown the OP said she had!

Does it really matter why DN stays? The OP says she does, and is happy with the situation. Can’t people be supportive of th situation rather than belittling the parent for having time away from her child. I know for some people the situation is strange, but this child is getting time with 2 families who love her and care for her. Surely that’s a huge positive and should be celebrated?

I’ve had lots of comments about the time my niece stays with me. I’m often asked why. Why does it matter? She likes staying with me, I like having her. It isn’t that her mum doesn’t want her. Just that for the family in our circumstances this is what works best for DN.

Why do people have to be so unkind about the Mum getting some time off

I can't see anyone being unkind. I can see plenty of people questioning why responsibility seems to sit solely with OP, given the niece has a father, and the family appear to have quite a lot of money to pay for constant holidays

I don't think anyone is being jealous (what a weird suggestion) but gently advising OP that she ought be to considering putting herself and her baby first for a while so as not to potentially make life very hard for herself and spoil the newborn bubble

You sound like a great aunt! However I feel like there's a lot of pressure on you to keep everything together and on an even keel for the sake of everyone else.

This is a lot to deal with when you have a new baby. My concern is for your mental health and wellbeing when the baby is born. I don't mean you will have issues because your sister did. It's hard enough without feeling like you must keep it together for others wellbeing.

Is your sister able to have your niece a bit more when the baby is born? Or could she stay with you too so when your niece comes so it's a bit of help?

On the bedrooms you will probs have baby with you for over 6 months so then look at bigger attic room for dn. She could decorate again and have a cooler bigger room?

*She needs time to relax?! Don't we all Hun!
*
This to me is unkind and sounds like jealousy!

Don't say too much in advance. It can all be sorted at the time. Big up her role as big girl and how she'll have to help with a baby who can't do all the things a big girl can, and then go with the flow when you actually need to.
You sound a lovely aunt. I'm sure you'll manage to do it so she doesn't feel pushed out.

You are bloody lovely for doing what you have.
Baby in a bedside cot first few months?
DH doing mornings at weekends to ensure you too do not go under yourself due to sleep deprivation.
Treat DN as big sister.
Swap room/decorate new one as Easter present next year
Good luck

I have commented, and it certainly isn't because of jealousy. I would have hated DS to be away from me that much, especially when so little.

Many of us have commented as OP is concerned how the niece is going to be once her own baby is here and that the OP might not be able to cope with school runs etc.

I feel very sorry for OP's sister to have PND for so long. I never realised it could last so long, and from other poster's comments it appears it could last throughout the niece's childhood.

However, my thoughts are that although the OP is concerned how the niece is going to cope, her sister and BIL don't seem to have even thought about how OP is going to cope. And that can't just be down to PND. Also the sister going on holiday whenever BIL works away and expecting the OP to step in, does smack of taking the piss a bit. Now it might be that the sister couldn't cope if BIL is away, but in those circumstances BIL should be looking at getting a different job which doesn't involve travel so he can be there more for his little girl.

@ineedaholidaynow
He a nice person and is a good dad. However he works six days a week so couldn't look after her the days I have her anyway.

Whenever my sister get bad he can't cope with trying to look after her and my niece.

@tenbob
My brother in law had a sister but they don't really see each other and his mum is an alcoholic so can't be left alone with my niece.

You sound like a lovely aunt.
At least initially baby will be with you, guidance is 6 months but we lasted 4, when he needed to go in cot which didn't fit in our room.

I think fine to plan on giving baby one of the further away rooms, just get organised with monitors etc. Recommend the anglecare movement one for extra piece of mind! Once your baby is a few months old you can put baby in their room just for daytime naps initially to test the waters.

OP, what will happen if you end up with PND? you have a breakdown yourself from having to manage a newborn and a 4 year old who isn't your own?

I think what you do is fantastic, but you need to put measures in place in case your baby doesn't slot so happily into your life as you imagine.

@QforCucumber
I know a baby won't just slot in but I don't have a choice with my niece.

newmummy I agree with Pepper and others after her who suggested making a big deal of decorating the other bedroom on the same floor as a big girl room for your niece, and not emphasising the link to the new baby. Either do that soon (tie it in with starting school maybe - desk, bookshelves, as well as more grown up decor) or leave it until your baby is coming up to 6 months old, which gives you ages. That way it doesn't feel as though she's being pushed out.

You'll know that babies need to be in the parental bedroom til 6 months old anyway. If you get a poor sleeper it will be much easier to have the baby in the next room than down a corridor.

On the other hand...

We have a set up a bit like yours bedroom wise - 2 bedrooms directly opposite one another (though they're the smallest, one not quite a box but a definite single and one a small double) a large one down a corridor and a few steps, and another large one in the attic.

Dc1 and 2 had the 2 rooms opposite one another and we had the big one down a corridor and down a step, and that was fine when dc2 went into his own room at 6 months.

Then dc3 came along and when he needed a room we moved dc2 into our room (he was 4), we moved to the attic and dc3 was given dc2s room (the smallest). We weren't even on the same floor as baby dc3, because neither of the other DC were old enough to be totally safe doing stairs from attic in the middle of the night.

Years later dc1 and dc3 swapped.

It's been fine, never really thought twice about being closest to baby. In fact both times dc1 has been close to the babies rather than us being... The baby has also always had the smallest room, then swapping at peak toy play age...

So you could just decorate the other non attic room for your baby - it's 10 months til you'll need it anyway, and if your baby was dc2 and neice dc1 you probably wouldn't stress about room swapping.

Good luck whatever you do!

apologies newmummy I may have sounded a bit brash, I mean, you have built up a fab support network for your sister - allowing her the breaks she needs by taking on the upbringing of you niece, I'm wondering if you have a similar support network around you for if you end up needing the help too!

@QforCucumber
I'm very lucky because I do have a great support network.
We have my partners dad and wife and his mum and husband.

I think it's lovely, how much you care for your niece. Maybe you can broach the topic with her, tell her that the baby will need to be in the room next to you. Ask her which room she would like and what colour she would like it to be etc.