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Original poster

Should I give the new baby my nieces bedroom

82 replies

newmummy0094 · 23/08/2018 21:01

Hello

I'm five months pregnant and I have just started thinking about where it is going to sleep.

So here's the dilemma. We have four bedrooms one of which is in the attic. Then there's one at one side of the house and two next to each other.

The two next to each other are the biggest apart from the attic one.
At the moment we have one of the two and my niece has the other.
She sleeps at my house every Friday to Saturday and also comes every Tuesday.
She also come when her parents go on a weekend away or on holiday which is probably every other month.

Me and my niece spent ages decorating it together and we went and got wall stickers and decorations.

The thing is I know that the bedroom is really important to her. However the other room is quite far from our bedroom and a lot smaller.

What should I do??

OP posts:
toothtruth · 23/08/2018 22:04

I mean eventually your niece will have to give up her room for your baby but perhaps its best to address that a couple of years in the future, rather than right now when she is probably feeling very insecure anyway.

PipeTheFuckDown · 23/08/2018 22:38

Hi OP.

Had a similar situation with my DNeph - similar circs, DSis very ill with PND (hospitalised twice, once when he was newborn, once when he was 2) and I’ve had him every other weekend, one night a week since he was around 12 weeks old, then half the school holidays when he started school.

My elder 2 D.C. are close in age to him, (a year either side of him) and I had my 3rd as a single mother when he was 4. I continued having him - hes at the same school as my DC so it wasn’t difficult, it was important to keep my elder DCS routine too as well as his when my 3rd baby came along, so I understand you worrying, he always shared with my elder 2DC though as I only had a 2 bed house (both bedrooms were giant though) .

Re bedrooms - you’ll likely keep baby with you for 6-12 months anyway. Are any of the other bedrooms available for the baby to have?

skunkatanka · 23/08/2018 22:43

I think your sister is onto a great thing! Your niece is nearly 5 and about to start school- surely by now her mum has past the point of pnd? You are the one who is pregnant and about to have a newborn! Is your sister looking after you as well??

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Floralnomad · 23/08/2018 22:53

I just wouldn’t worry about it at present as baby will be in with you for a few months at least and then when you are looking to move baby out you will have a better idea of how things are with your niece . You very obviously have much more than a normal aunt / niece relationship which is lovely and there is no reason why that needs to change too much if it works for your family .

Dollymixture22 · 23/08/2018 23:00

You sound like an awesome aunt!

If you think of her as any older sibling - it is usual for a room swap to happen when a new baby arrives. Her nose may well be out of joint. But make a big Beal about redecorating her big girl room.

It will be a big adjustment for her - you are like a second mummy, but lots of kids go through this. My sister tried to send me back! She is my npbest friend now! I know it’s slightly more complicated in that she is your niece, but if your sister and bil give her lots of attention it will ease the transition,

Good luck!

littledinaco · 23/08/2018 23:01

I wouldn’t worry about it for now, baby will be in with you at first. I wouldn’t even mention the rooms to your niece, if you’re due in 4 Months and then baby with you for 6 Months - that’s a long time to a 4 year old and something she doesn’t really need to think/worry about at the moment.

Some babies sleep great and might be fine in a room a bit further away. Other babies are not good sleepers and parents decide to keep them in the same room for a year or more to save getting out of bed multiple times a night!

You sound like a lovely aunt and sister.

Original poster
newmummy0094 · 23/08/2018 23:32

@ourkidmolly
Our mum died and Dad moved to America.

I'm really worried that if we do less child care she will have a breakdown again then we will end up with me niece full time.

My sister isn't approachable about this sort of thing so I can't discuss this with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummy0094 · 23/08/2018 23:40

@titchy
She's ill and I have accepted that. I'm not so much doing this for my sister as for my niece.
My niece has spent as long as she can remember living between mine and my sisters house. It's just her normal

OP posts:
TheFutureMrsB · 23/08/2018 23:45

Would your niece like the attic bedroom? You and her could decorate it all nice and how she likes it, you may be able to get around her by telling her she's getting the biggest room?

Original poster
newmummy0094 · 23/08/2018 23:46

@skunkatanka
She still isn't stable.
It came on badly when my niece was about one.
My sister isn't the type to look after someone else.
If she goes down hill again I'm all my niece will have so keeping her as stable as possible is in everyone's interest.

OP posts:
Lenny1980 · 23/08/2018 23:49

I’m still amazed at having your DN every weekend plus when they go on holiday every couple of months. Who goes on holiday every couple of months?!

Original poster
newmummy0094 · 23/08/2018 23:54

@Lenny1980
My sisters husband travels a lot with his job so when he does my sister goes with him and they make it a holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummy0094 · 23/08/2018 23:56

@TheFutureMrsB
In time it was my plan to give her the attic bedroom but she is too you as she will have to get down the stairs at night to go to the toilet.

OP posts:
GlitterGlassEye · 23/08/2018 23:58

This won’t be ‘normal’ when she goes to school and has friends and they chat about home life. Is your dsis still being treated? When your own baby comes, that will become your priority (and I really mean that) so I’d have a chat with your bil. It sounds like they’re taking the piss tbh. Sorry. You seem like an amazing person though.

tenbob · 24/08/2018 00:02

You sound like a lovely sister, but you know you're the one who is going to need to 'relax a bit' when you've got a newborn, right?

If your sister isn't approachable to have a conversation, is her husband?
If they have the money for holidays every couple of months, they obviously have the money to get some help in, such as a nanny, to ease the burden

It's not going to do you or your baby any good to be running ragged after your niece because your sister feels she is more worthy of a rest than you are...

Original poster
newmummy0094 · 24/08/2018 00:07

@GlitterGlassEye
My sister goes for sessions twice a week at the hospital. She's on medication and has good and bad days.
There's not much I can do. If I don't look after my niece anymore then my sister will inevitably get ill again then my niece will have to live with me again.

I love my niece very much but i feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 24/08/2018 00:09

It is very kind what you do OP, but your niece has 2 parents. Do you have her those nights every week as BIL is away then? Think he needs to step up more. Also what about his side of the family, do they help out too?

Has your sister acknowledged that you are having a baby and, therefore, you may not be able to look after your niece so much?

I think your niece will notice that her home life is quite different to others when she starts school.

If you do have to keep up this arrangement, then your baby takes priority and they have whichever bedroom suits them. By the time you are thinking about this your DN will be older and might like the attic room, if you don't need it as a guest room.

Original poster
newmummy0094 · 24/08/2018 00:10

@tenbob
If I say anything to her husband my sis will think in having been plotting behind her back.
She get very paranoid.
It may be worth a try but he does cope with my niece on his own that well either.
I'm not a lovely sister because I'm doing this more for my niece than her.

OP posts:
BigBlueBubble · 24/08/2018 00:17

I don’t see why your baby shouldn’t have the best room in his/her own home, or why he/she should have to share. Sorry to your niece but the baby is your own child and actually lives there so he/she gets the biggest room which is the most convenient for you and closest to your room. Your niece should move to another room. By all means try to be nice about it but your niece needs to give up the best room for your own child.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/08/2018 00:21

Why doesn't he cope with his daughter. If my DH was struggling to cope with our child due to MH reasons I would be doing everything I could to ensure I had a good relationship with DC, not expecting someone else in the family to do so. I feel so sorry for your niece. Yes it can be explained to her that her mum is poorly so can't always look after her, but what is her dad's excuse?

tenbob · 24/08/2018 00:23

Does your BIL have family who can help? Even if it's just for a short while

I'm sure other posters will agree that nothing can prepare you for how much a newborn can knock you sideways, emotionally, physically and practically

Obviously people look after 5 year olds and babies at the same time, but it isn't easy and it's not going to be easy when the 5 year old is already very unsure of her place in it all

I'm not doubting for a second that you love your niece, but you're going to love your baby on a whole different level, and you need to have time to recover and bond

cuckoocuckoos · 24/08/2018 00:24

Sorry if this has already been suggested and I haven't seen but could you move upstairs into the attic and the baby have your old room next to your niece?

I can't totally see why you don't want her to feel pushed out/upset

GlitterGlassEye · 24/08/2018 00:29

This is a sad situation. I think your bil needs to step up and choose his dd over your dsis. Especially if she’s not progressing over this period of time. Most people (I hope) would put their dc first and dp later, well I would anyway.

A newborn baby is hard work, especially your first. It is life changing and you don’t know how you will feel post-birth. What if you have PND? What happens then?Please think about what is best for you.

soupmaker · 24/08/2018 00:43

Given all the circumstances I think the best plan would be to treat your DN as an older sibling. So baby in with you for months and then possibly in with DN or DN moves room and a massive fuss is made of her new big girl's room. She'll likely be rising 6 by the time your DC is out of your room.

To all the posters suggesting when your DN goes to school that her normal will be viewed as not being so, little kids tend to be much more accepting of others family circumstances than their grown ups. Plenty of kids live between two houses.

Rockbird · 24/08/2018 03:51

The situation is what it is, and ultimately the little girl needs her aunt and somewhere stable. For the time being I'd leave her where she is. Your baby would be in a cot for a couple of years anyway, bedroom space isn't a priority just yet. But unsettling your niece, whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation, sounds like it would be the worst of the two options.

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