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Original poster

DH has no friends 😞

65 replies

tigercub50 · 20/08/2018 00:28

This doesn’t seem to worry him but it worries me sometimes, not least because on some MN threads it crops up as a “ red flag”. He has had mates in the past, including when he was in the forces, but now there’s nobody. We are really struggling with DD’s behaviour & trying to get help - hugely stressful & DH has been at breaking point today, saying he’s not even sure if he loves her! I have my parents & some good friends ( although actually it is still incredibly tough because nobody really understands) but DH only has me. He’s one of 3 but there is a big age gap & he’s never been close to his siblings. He is quite shy & he’s self employed so doesn’t get to meet people through work much. Should I be concerned or leave him to sort himself out?

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 20/08/2018 01:25

Has he seen active service? Any chance he's got PTSD?

What's your DD's behaviour like? What's going on?

HolyPieter · 20/08/2018 01:40

It IS a red flag - it's not a coincidence that not a single person (other than you) wants to be around your husband.

Roxers · 20/08/2018 01:41

That’s rude @HolyPieter, for all you know people do get in touch with her DH but he doesn’t reply to them.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Stimmyplip · 20/08/2018 01:46

@HolyPieter that's bullshit.

My Dh doesn't have any friends. He just just like people that much.

Saying he'd not sure he loves your dd is different and a little scary.

Stimmyplip · 20/08/2018 01:47

*he just doesn't like

HerRoyalNotness · 20/08/2018 01:47

Mine doesn’t either. He also finds it difficult to network. He doesn’t have anyone to call and go for a beer or something or to chat to. One of my friends DHs takes him golfing every now and then. It that’s about it. And it came about through MY friendship. I do wonder about him sometimes and he is difficult to live with.

HerRoyalNotness · 20/08/2018 01:48

Actually come to think of it, his dad is the same

greenlanes · 20/08/2018 02:26

I do agree with HolyPieter. I think it is a red flag and one I wish I had known about. I now believe it is about how you value people and what they bring to your life (and clearly what you give back). My ex didnt value other people - he valued their status, their contribution to him at work, how they helped him. He didnt care if he was rude to them or their partners. That isnt friendship - although perhaps at a superficial level it might look like that. It doesnt survive.

Starface · 20/08/2018 03:08

Well there are different reasons people have no or few friends aren't there. It probably depends which, in addition to the rest of the picture, which makes it more or less concerning. Plus of course the concern is always in relation to a particular issue. So red flag for what exactly?

It could be personality based. That trait of perhaps introversion would sit on a spectrum. It could be due to neuro diversity, eg unidentified autistic spectrum. Family history is also suggestive here. PTSD would be another thing to consider as mentioned above.

There are a few things to unpick from your post. You don't say what DD is struggling with or exactly why DH is struggling so much with it. When he says he is finding loving her difficult ATM it is hard to understand that without a bit more context.
Again it could mean more than one thing, with different implications.
Evidently though you feel a lot of the emotional burden for everyone is falling to you at the moment and that is part of your problem. You can't totally leave him to it can you - you are supporting him. No one has no emotional support needs in difficult situations, even if these are different to others. I don't know where you are up to in seeking support for your daughter, but you can ask for a Carers Assessment to get help to meet your needs as you care for her (and by extension the family). This is a legally enshrined provision (Care Act 2014) and you have a right to it so please request it. Plus there should be local support for carers available. What this looks like is very area dependent. The assessment should point you to this. From the sounds of things this may benefit you more than your husband. It isn't always very sophisticated and he may struggle to make use of it, but you may find it helpful.

RedneckStumpy · 20/08/2018 03:10

Some people don’t like other people. I could live the rest of my life with just DH and DC, and never see another human.

BigBlueBubble · 20/08/2018 03:22

You have two separate issues here. DH saying he doesn’t love your DD is likely just stress and exhaustion. When I’ve been exhausted and at the end of my tether I’ve cried and said I wish I never had my DS because I can’t cope. Obviously didn’t mean it. Your DH should be able to express his emotions in a safe space without you throwing it back at him.

Not having friends is a different issue. He sounds quite isolated. Perhaps a hobby would help?

JustlikeDevon · 20/08/2018 06:58

He's a bloke. Even if he had friends he is not necessarily going to ring them for a good catch up about dd.
Is he a nice person? If he's nice and just a bit antisocial that's one thing. If he's not that nice, you've got your answer.

cakesonatrain · 20/08/2018 07:03

My DH doesn't really have friends. It's not cos no-one likes him - people invite him to do stuff but he never wants to go play, because he doesn't like other people very much!

feral · 20/08/2018 07:13

Mine doesn't either he just prefers his own company and his hobby.

BoomBoomsCousin · 20/08/2018 07:18

There can be a bunch of reasons someone doesn't have friends, but one of the big reasons is that they don't do any of the emotional work required to keep friends. They like people who are good to be around but won't go out of their way to stay in touch or to support someone who is finding things difficult. Which is selfish and a big old red flag in a relationship.

I don't know if there's anything you can do OP, except perhaps mention to him that he might find it easier to cope if he had friends to talk with. So whether you're concerned or not, you probably need to leave him to sort himself out. It doesn't stop it being a red flag if he gets friends because you do all the leg work for him. You probably have enough on your plate with your DD anyway. And although it's a red flag, it's not definitive. He may just have been unlucky with the friends he did have and having children can drive away some people you thought were friends.

Bacere · 20/08/2018 07:20

Ditto redneckstumpy but after minths if doing so i find a few meet ups sets me up again for just doing without. Sometimes people can be deceitful, childish (not good on a 50 year old) just in it to hear your news to then gossip with their mates, or just to compare with their own kids, and not worth the trouble. OP not a red alert I'd say but it can be good to have one friend now and again but its harder than when we were young and mixing with our peer group all the time isn't it?

BrynhildurWhitemane · 20/08/2018 07:24

I would be concerned at the lack of friends, but then, I'm coming from the perspective of having an abusive ex who doesn't have any.

Instead he expected me to be his sole friend and entertainment, and I lost my friends as a result.

I'm working on it now, but it is hard.

RedPill · 20/08/2018 07:26

Surely if it doesn't worry him it's not a problem. You could suggest he gets a hobby, which will give him some down time and in turn he may meet people and develop friendships

NoSleepTil2030 · 20/08/2018 07:36

Mine doesn't either. He did at school and university, and in all his jobs he's had people he's friendly with and he'll go on work nights out with, but they're always people from his current job, he doesn't keep in touch. He's not rude or a nasty person, just introverted and not overly bothered about being around people (I'm similar but I do have a small number of friends). He has several siblings of similar age who he's pretty close to (though doesn't see in person that often due to geographical distance). I think if he invited the work colleagues he's friendly with to do things, or kept in touch with people from his last job and invited them out, they'd go, but he doesn't care enough to as he's happy at home and they don't ask him (often, it does happen sometimes but as I say when one of them moves onto a new job they'll lose touch. And people in his industry move jobs a lot) because he comes across as polite and pleasant but not gregarious.

annandale · 20/08/2018 07:36

I think it's a problem in circumstances like this, when something major happens and his only emotional support is someone who ends up carrying everything.

My BIL gives the impression of not liking people and only sees his wife, dc and parents. We are both grieving dh and he has blamed me for his death; i don't think he has talked to anyone about any of it, with the result he has lashed out and made my grief twice as hard to bear.

I would tell him he needs to see his GP and get some talking therapy (or possibly via the forces?) and he can tell you it was no use after he's done it, he's not allowed to say no becauae doing it his way isn't working.

nicebitofquiche · 20/08/2018 07:41

I know a few men who don't have friends. They're not weird, they just grew apart from people they knew when they were younger and don't have the same social networking opportunities through work. I don't think it's such an important thing to men as it is for women. My OH has friends he met through his job but he doesn't ring them up for chats or talk about problems. When they go out which is rare they talk about football and work.

Petalflowers · 20/08/2018 07:51

Mine doesn’t have any mates either. We do socialise with a couple of families, but he has no mates he can call to go to the pub.

SadieHH · 20/08/2018 07:55

Makes me laugh that people think those with no friends don't want to put in the emotional effort with others. I have friends but I find it a struggle as I invest a lot in friendships and 9 times out of 10 you don't get it back, which makes me draw away from people. There are a hundred different reasons for lack of friends, it's not black and white.

adaline · 20/08/2018 07:56

Mine doesn't really have any friends. He has plenty of hobbies but they're solo ones so he tends to do them alone.

He's just not all that interested in going to the pub or anything like that. I think he'd happily go for bike rides or something but nobody he's friendly with is into that kind of thing.

He's happy - he goes cycling on his days off or in the evenings, and we're currently renovating our house so he does a lot of DIY stuff as well.

I'm more sociable but not massively so. I probably do something with friends once a month if that but then I have a job where I'm constantly talking all day so when I get home it's nice to have some peace and quiet!

Ginandplatonic · 20/08/2018 08:02

Mine doesn’t either. Not because he’s horrible to be around, or selfish or any of the ridiculous things people are saying. And it’s not a red flag on its own either. He just works very long hours and has low social needs. He is well liked at work and goes on work social events because he feels obliged, and is happy to chat to people if I invite them over, but he would be perfectly happy - probably happier - if these things never happened and he could just sit and read a book.

Having said that, I’m sure there are cases where it is indicative of deeper problems. Only you know which it is in the case of your DH.