DH has no friends 😞

[tigercub50]

This doesn’t seem to worry him but it worries me sometimes, not least because on some MN threads it crops up as a “ red flag”. He has had mates in the past, including when he was in the forces, but now there’s nobody. We are really struggling with DD’s behaviour & trying to get help - hugely stressful & DH has been at breaking point today, saying he’s not even sure if he loves her! I have my parents & some good friends ( although actually it is still incredibly tough because nobody really understands) but DH only has me. He’s one of 3 but there is a big age gap & he’s never been close to his siblings. He is quite shy & he’s self employed so doesn’t get to meet people through work much. Should I be concerned or leave him to sort himself out?

Some people are just more introverted than others. Of course it’s not a red flag!!

I’m one of those people that would be very happy with no one else around other than dh and the dc for the rest of my lives and although I have people I know from different areas of my life I actively avoid hanging out with them and if they ask me out socially I make excuses. I’m not being rude, I just don’t enjoy socialising!

People are all different. I would be really angry if dh tried to suggest there was something wrong with me because I don’t have friends! Thankfully he is exactly the same as me.

Life, not lives!

Definitely not a red flag. My DH gets on fine with family friends and work colleagues but would be just as happy not see them and certainly doesn't seek out friendships.

Not a red flag. My DH is very shy, awkward and I torverted and like me hates other people and the bullshit and drama they bring to life. I have a few mates but I don’t actively seek out new friends or want to hang with anyone. One of my friends loves going on holiday and meeting new people and hanging out with them. That is my idea of hell I go on holiday to escape people.

My DH sounds similar. Previously had lots of friends but mainly through social circles that have moved in different directions, eg got married/had kids/moved etc. We fall into that camp and when we moved house to a new area he never really connected with people. Knows a few people to knod to but not to socialise with. Mostly lost contact with old friends but still says hello over social media. DH is busy with work so little time to prioritise making new friends when he makes us his priority. I don't see that as a red flag at all.

I think you should just leave him to it. I occasionally say "why don't you invite x over for dinner" or "why don't you catch up with x" and sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. Mainly it's just laziness or he forgets. So you could prompt him but it's his job to sort out his social life, not yours.

My ex was like this. Had friends at school and uni but lost touch with almost all and only saw the remaining ones if prompted by me. He would come along to gatherings of my groups of friends and their partners (who mostly only know each other through the group) and everyone else would get on fine but he gave off really bad vibes, wouldn't engage in conversation, look actively bored etc. It was excruciating and in the end I just used to leave him at home. He just couldn't be bothered to make the effort, even with my family who went to great lengths to try and include him. I get that it's not always easy but it's a basic social skill.. Its also cost him at least one job that I know of as he just comes over 'wrong', disengaged, uninterested. It made life difficult as I felt guilty for going out as he didn't. At his second wedding I gather his side of the church was distinctly sparse and I think that's very sad. He would get angry that his friends hadn't bothered to contact him but he didn't reach out to them either.

I don’t have many friends either. I have my family and DP, and one close friend. I’m just very antisocial and would like friends but rarely meet anyone I click with who seems worth the extra enenergy, because socialising depletes me.

Maybe he feels like that.

I think circumstances can lead to a lack of friends. You could grow up with friends and then you move away from the area for some reason and distance means you don't see them. Then you do a job in the forces, make friends with colleagues, the job ends and you don't live near them so don't see them anymore. And you find yourself self employed with no colleagues and no childhood friends nearby. Too busy for a hobby because you want to spend time with your partner and child on the weekend. It can happen! It doesn't have to mean anything sinister or that you're difficult to be around. Just unfortunate circumstances.

Now the thing is, that I would like to reply to this post and share my experiences which might help reassure the OP, but because this thread is no longer going to expire in 90 days, then I don't feel as though I can...

My DH had no friends until he was in his fifties. Now he is retired he has quite a few and works part time in a job where he has cronies who like football etc. I have always been his best friend. DS1 is similar. He loves his wife and family.
As for not being sure he loves your DD I have really been there.
DS2 has Asperger's Syndrome and at times he has pushed us so hard that I have felt like that too.

I don't have any friends. Because I'm not particularly social and can't be arsed arranging meet ups for coffee and stuff. When I have spare time I spend it with my kids and husband and siblings and their kids. No red flags about people not wanting to spend time with me, I just have a big family and prefer spending time with them than other people

I have a few close friends, not many as I don’t really have much time to socialise and would rather be with my dd and dp. I don’t think it’s a red flag though, I am a nice person and there isn’t anything wrong with me- I don’t think!

I don't think it's a red flag in itself, some people are just happy with their own company and those of their spouse.

My husband is very popular, very liked by his colleagues, liked by his martial arts friends and my own friends and family adore him. But he doesn't have friends that he can just call up and invite out for a pint for example. He worms extremely long and often unsociable hours in the emergency services, we have 3 young children so life is still very family orientated and frankly he's not that bothered.

On the opposite side I don't have many friends, 2 or 3 that I could call on for help. Only 1 of those I see very regularly. But I do have a wider circle of friends that I see when I'm out training and as a club we socialise fairly regularly. But I wouldn't call them up for a chat.

@nicebitofquiche

'I don't think it's such an important thing to men as it is for some women.' (My bold)
There, fixed that for you.

The friends thing wouldn’t flag for me. I changed primary and secondary schools so whenever I might of made close friends I moved. I have people I know and can chat too via phone, the children might play together but we wouldn’t go for a girlie night out or whatever. Tbh I don’t actually want to go out drinking or eating with people I’d rather be at home with my family.

I'm a husband with no friends - nobody calls or texts, nobody to watch a sporting event or go out to the pub with.

Where shall I store my red flags?

I'm in my 40's now and the two friends I had at school have gone their separate ways long ago, and on reflection weren't really proper friends anyway.

As I man, I find it incredibly difficult to make new friends, partly through opportunity and partly through the inability for men to start conversations with strangers.

If we look at the opportunity element first - there's only really work and hobbies where you might make a new friend as far as I can see it.

My wife doesn't have any friends either so we have utterly zero social life and so no chance of meeting someone via that avenue.

My work is miles away from where I live and there isn't a social culture anyway - nobody really my own age that I can relate to or be friendly with.

Hobbies wise, I don't really have any that are social, other than maybe going to the gym - but it's just not the done thing for men to start conversations with other men in the gym - just doesn't happen. Most of them have headphones on anyway making conversation impossible.

I'd genuinely like to have friends but never seem to have the chance to make any.

I suspect I'm not alone.

'

I have no friends and my partner knows everyone, friends with many and as a few really close friends. Should I tell him he should divorce me?

ConfusedDH

DH classes his hobbies as gardening anc home/ vehicle Maintanance.

All keep him busy and active but not social. In fact his perfect weekend would be pottering around the house/garden beer in hand working away ticking projects off his list.

@RedneckStumpy

Similar here, although I do feel lonely and isolated at times - nobody to share stuff with (who is interested).

Probably normal enough as lots of men don't have friends. Shame though. Don't have any myself. Is there a Ladybird book out yet called, 'Friends - How it Works' because I need it?

Regard behavioural probs just bare in mind that all stages with children are phases and will pass. Or you could say all phases are stages I guess 🤔😕

Relax and chill out. Peace ☮️

Neither me or dh have any friends.
Both too picky!!

Both happy together /with dc.
Both nc with dps at our choices.
Both just a bit odd!!
Happy being odd!!

My DH has one friend who he meets up with to do his hobby. He is very chatty and charming and no-one would know but he just doesn’t feel the need to spend time with people. If I invite people
over he is friendly and warm but he would prefer not to socialise so I have given up and just socialise (frequently) with my friends by myself now.

The only time I feel sad about it is when I see people doing coupley events with their families as I would like more of that for my DC but it isn’t his thing.

So he just hangs around with you and no one else?? That would drive me crazy! No big nights out or boys holidays?

My dad doesn’t have any friends. I can’t ever remember him having any. He only spends time with family (mostly my mother - they’re about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary). I don’t think it bothers him in the slightest.

I think a substantial number of men don't feel the need for friends once they have a wife and family (whereas women are more likely to still want friends and close relationships with their family of origin).

I can think of 3 friends whose DP or DH has no friends. They are pleasant men, no red flags at all, but in each case they settled down young and basically didn't need to go out socialising because they had already met their mate. Their wives would prefer them to have friends, but I believe the men themselves are perfectly content.