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F*ck.

71 replies

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:13

I fell asleep watching tv. Dh woke me to go to bed. Started ranting about how I always fall asleep, and had promised we could “cuddle” tonight, and because we’re on holiday from tomorrow we can’t for 2 weeks and I always promise and always let him down. I said we could, we’re in a villa, it’s no different. He got angrier. Said I always do this.
I hadn’t promised anything. 2 nights ago he said he wanted to, but was tired, could it wait? I agreed.
He woke me at 5.50 this morning to complain our 6yo was noisy (dh had been awake since 4). I’m tired.
He said I have to get out the house, that I only work part time hours and don’t deserve it. I used to be a nurse. They changed my hours so I can’t do that anymore unless he changed his hours to help with childcare (self employed). He won’t. I’m on a career break and work for him (not paid, £100pw spends which goes on food and dc). I have nothing. The past 6y I paid £200pcm more than him as I worked more, the last year he’s paid everything as I can’t work. I paid the house deposit.
I told him I’d sleep downstairs until he apologised. He came down, threw the holiday spending money at me and told me to take the kids on holiday without him tomorrow, then leave.
I said his mum (deceased) wouldn’t be proud of this. He grabbed me by the jaw, threw me on the sofa and said I shouldn’t mention his mum, he’d kill me if I did.
He’s gone to bed. Ironically, I can’t sleep.
Posting this so people know what happened, just in case. Not looking for responses.

OP posts:
ClandestineAdulation · 16/08/2018 00:15

Didn’t want to read and run but I have no words Flowers

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 16/08/2018 00:19

Refuse to leave & possibly leave your phone on record.

Jupiter9 · 16/08/2018 00:22

What is a cuddle?

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 16/08/2018 00:22

Flowers I think you know this can't go on, for your safety and that of the DC.

Do you have any practical support in real life?

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:24

He’s gone to bed. I can’t. Trying to stop myself going up to tell him how stupid this is. Really, it’s ridiculous, I’ve been awake 18 hours- I’m tired! I fell asleep! It wasn’t a personal slight.
But scared he’ll hurt me, and know he won’t listen.
What’s the chance of him calming down be morning?
I won’t leave. I’ve nowhere to go and 4dc.

OP posts:
Fanjango · 16/08/2018 00:24

That is emotional abuse at the very least and borderline physical abuse. Take the money and use it to change the locks while he's at work

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:25

By cuddle I assume he meant sex,
Hence the inverted commas.
Trying to use exact words to avoid bias. Very emotional at the moment.

OP posts:
Evenstar · 16/08/2018 00:25

If you are frightened, I think you should ring the police and have him removed from the house. I am sure you are not in the mood to go on holiday, and it might be unwise to leave the house if you think he won’t let you back in. Do you have a friend or family member you could call for support? Is this the first time he has been violent?

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 16/08/2018 00:26

I’m sorry this happened to you. You need to talk to someone and get a plan in place so you can LTB. This is totally unacceptable. Do you have a good support network? Flowers

tinstar · 16/08/2018 00:27

Don't go and say anything to him tonight while he's so angry. Just leave him alone for your own safety.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:27

He’d break in. Locks wouldn’t stop him. Plus he’s not in work tomorrow, meant to be going on holiday. Plus dc would be upset. Plus I love him (pathetic, I know)

OP posts:
Saidthesharktotheflyingfish · 16/08/2018 00:30

That is emotional abuse at the very least and borderline physical abuse. Take the money and use it to change the locks while he's at work

Sorry, I strongly disagree with that advice. It absolutely isn't 'borderline' physical abuse, it IS physical abuse. Dont change the locks, that will only inflame a dangerous situation. Speak to Women's Aid first thing and get their support to help you exit this situation in a way that is safe for you and your children.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:31

No support network.
Third time. Last 2 times he grabbed me by the throat (may this year, and 3 years ago). Nothing in front of dc.
He’s stressed about work and money, but I can’t work if he can’t help with the dc.

OP posts:
Saidthesharktotheflyingfish · 16/08/2018 00:32

Your comment about loving him tells me that you need to do the Freedom programme. Been where you are now Flowers

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:33

@said I don’t think I can. Dc don’t know. They’d be devastated. Plus I have no income, not even benefits.

OP posts:
Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:35

I can’t do a programme. I have the dc 24/7, except when they’re at school when I work for him.

OP posts:
Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:36

Don’t mean to be obtuse. Just wanted a record, in case.

OP posts:
Fanjango · 16/08/2018 00:36

You didn't mention the other times before. Get help, he's not going to stop and it will get worse. I know you don't want to hear that but so many women suffer too long. It's not your fault, it's nothing you've done....it's all him and you need to keep yourself and your kids safe. Call women's aid, get yourselves real support as this is now going beyond words. If he's taken you by the threat in the past he's already shown he's not safe. Do not hesitate. He won't change if you allow this to go on and it will be you that suffers.

Coolaschmoola · 16/08/2018 00:37

That is awful. You don't owe him "cuddles", you aren't his possession!

The ONLY thing you did that I don't agree with is bringing his dead mum into it. That was deliberately designed to hurt and push buttons. To point score and get a reaction.

Obviously that in no way excuses him putting his hands on you, but as someone who has lost my mum I know that DH throwing my dead mum into an argument to point score would provoke me - and, although I've never hit anyone, I can't 100% say that I wouldn't slap him, as wrong as I know that is.

That aside, the whole situation sounds untenable, even without the physical abuse. I'd take this time to get your ducks in a row to leave.

sachabloom · 16/08/2018 00:38

Not sure what to say but you aren't pathetic for still loving him. You sound very strong actually.

I hope things are better in the morning and I hope you can work out what is best for you xx

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 16/08/2018 00:38

There is an online version of the Freedom Programme, for people in your situation www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Jupiter9 · 16/08/2018 00:38

Do you have children in the house

GooseFartingInTheFog · 16/08/2018 00:40

Please call Woman’s Aid

08082000247

You are never alone and you are never without a support network - you’ve just not met them yet x

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:41

I know, but I wasn’t trying to point score. He’d said once his mum assumed he hit his ex wife and threatened to disown him. I know he worshipped his mum (I never met her) and felt like it might shock him into seeing how he was behaving. I wish I knew how to get through to him when he’s like this.

OP posts:
Saidthesharktotheflyingfish · 16/08/2018 00:42

Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you with absolute certainty that your children will be less devastated (and have the chance to build normal healthy relationships) if you leave this marriage. My DD who is now a adult would tell you the same thing without a second thought. Growing up in such an abusive marriage will affect them, however much you protect them from it.

I had nothing either, debts (mostly his), a home he physically destroyed in an attempt to murder me, and injuries which prevented me from working for many months. We survived and you will too. Women's Aid will advise you on your financial matters.

I think you can do the Freedom programme online so that may be an option. Am sending you so many positive thoughts and hopes that you escape this. There's a lovely future out there for you.

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