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F*ck.

71 replies

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:13

I fell asleep watching tv. Dh woke me to go to bed. Started ranting about how I always fall asleep, and had promised we could “cuddle” tonight, and because we’re on holiday from tomorrow we can’t for 2 weeks and I always promise and always let him down. I said we could, we’re in a villa, it’s no different. He got angrier. Said I always do this.
I hadn’t promised anything. 2 nights ago he said he wanted to, but was tired, could it wait? I agreed.
He woke me at 5.50 this morning to complain our 6yo was noisy (dh had been awake since 4). I’m tired.
He said I have to get out the house, that I only work part time hours and don’t deserve it. I used to be a nurse. They changed my hours so I can’t do that anymore unless he changed his hours to help with childcare (self employed). He won’t. I’m on a career break and work for him (not paid, £100pw spends which goes on food and dc). I have nothing. The past 6y I paid £200pcm more than him as I worked more, the last year he’s paid everything as I can’t work. I paid the house deposit.
I told him I’d sleep downstairs until he apologised. He came down, threw the holiday spending money at me and told me to take the kids on holiday without him tomorrow, then leave.
I said his mum (deceased) wouldn’t be proud of this. He grabbed me by the jaw, threw me on the sofa and said I shouldn’t mention his mum, he’d kill me if I did.
He’s gone to bed. Ironically, I can’t sleep.
Posting this so people know what happened, just in case. Not looking for responses.

OP posts:
Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:42

@sachabloom thank you.
@jupiter they’re asleep. They’ve never witnessed anything more than an argument.

OP posts:
tinstar · 16/08/2018 00:42

Jupiter - "what's a cuddle"; "do you have children in the house".

What's with the daft questions?

Coolaschmoola · 16/08/2018 00:44

Cross post - he's grabbed you by the throat on more than one occasion... That's an indicator of potential severe physical abuse. If he squeezes too hard you're dead and your children would be far more devastated by that.

You may not have benefits now but if you leave you will get them.

At the very least phone Women's Aid for some support and advice. They will help you even if you aren't ready to leave yet.

Flowers
PurpleDaisies · 16/08/2018 00:44

They’ve never witnessed anything more than an argument.

I’m sorry to say op that they almost certainly have heard things no child should have to, even if they haven’t actually seen it.

You need help for their sakes.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 16/08/2018 00:45

This behaviour is escalating. You need to get out before the level of abuse does also. Unfortunately doing nothing is only going to reinforce him to believe that he can treat you this way. Please call the police if you’re feeling unsafe.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:47

@saidtheflyingfish sorry you’ve been through that, and glad you’re out of it now. I don’t think this is on that scale though, or even close. I just think he has no respect for me now I’ve no income, and a tendency to “solve” (cause) problems physically.

OP posts:
Guienne · 16/08/2018 00:50

Contact the police and solicitors tomorrow about getting protective court orders. Phone Women's Aid for solicitor recommendations and advice about how to protect yourself and your children.

Jupiter9 · 16/08/2018 00:50

The lady wants to chat but doesn't want anti men. She needs TLC.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:51

I wouldn’t get benefits as I’m technically employed, just on an unpaid career break. If I resigned I wouldn’t be eligible.

May look at the freedom programme online if I can do it without dc seeing- they’d tell him. I assume it may help me get my thoughts straight?

OP posts:
Jupiter9 · 16/08/2018 00:52

It's terrible what's happening but do you want to go on holiday?

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 00:55

What a strange question....

OP posts:
JonSnowsCloak · 16/08/2018 00:59

OP do you have nowhere you can go at all? Even a friends? If my friend called me at this time of night and told me what you have my door would be open xx

Bluesmartiesarebest · 16/08/2018 01:00

Jupiter9 are you the op’s husband?

Saidthesharktotheflyingfish · 16/08/2018 01:02

Howmany - I'm afraid mine started just like yours, and it almost always escalates. Touching your throat is a huge red flag.

I get that it is scary, and you may not be ready to go now, and I can hear you minimising just as I did.

Baby steps, start with looking at the Freedom programme and speaking to Women's aid. These are all really important parts of the process, and doing it bit by bit is less overwhelming. Flowers for you.

MrsToddsShortcut · 16/08/2018 01:02

Sweetheart, he is very abusive and potentially very dangerous. I've been where you are. I left when Women's Aid told me that he would eventually turn on the children.

Please please phone Women's Aid tomorrow or as soon as you can. Please get their advice. They will know what to do.

You cannot risk staying with him as it will escalate and there is every chance you will end up dead. Don't assume that he isn't capable of it.

I know you love him and it feels so much harder because of that, but ask yourself how much longer you can live like this? A month? A year? The rest of your life? It won't get better.

I know all this sounds harsh, but you have to think about your children - this is desperately unhealthy for them and potentially dangerous.

Sending you love and strength ThanksThanks

Jupiter9 · 16/08/2018 01:05

Take the money and go on holiday. Leave that nasty man behind.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 01:06

@jonsnowscloak no, I’m one of those people you probably only hear about on here with no friends. Not one number in my phone I’ve ever texted or called for a chat, let alone for support. It’s not that I don’t want to bother anyone, just that there is no one.

OP posts:
Jupiter9 · 16/08/2018 01:06

Does your partner hurt you often?

Jupiter9 · 16/08/2018 01:07

You don't deserve this.

Saidthesharktotheflyingfish · 16/08/2018 01:08

Once is enough Jupiter Hmm

Jupiter9 · 16/08/2018 01:10

I totally agree. You need to go away on holiday on your own with children

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 16/08/2018 01:11

Talk to women’s aid get advice and inform your work. I know this will be extremely difficult but I worked for the NHS and in my experience they will try their best to work with you. They may be able to offer you a term time contact with school hours.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 01:11

@saidthesharktotheflyingfish Thank you. For everything Flowers

OP posts:
Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/08/2018 01:15

@ivalue maybe for you. I was seconded. They interviewed for my job permanently, I came top by miles. They decided not to offer it me, and gave me 2 days notice to return to my previous position but on 12 hour shifts, despite knowing I had 4dc. They also failed to support me at all through bullying at work for a year prior to this. They have been anything but supportive.

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/08/2018 01:15

Been there, and he's an ex now. Sad

So, big hug.

You need a getaway plan and need to muster all your strength. But you can do it.
Women's Aid can be that friend that you should have on your phone.
I'd bet you lost friends during this relationship. That's abusers isolating their victims.
They can guide you through legal hoops and offer a sympathetic ear. Even help sort out a place to stay.
Get out and report the violence to the police. It will be important to protect yourself, to protect the children, and to get access to help too.

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