What to do with kids when staying in other peoples boring houses abroad

[Branleuse]

Especially with language barrier.

We have to go and stay with dps mum for possibly up to a week. Its not walking distance from anywhere interesting. There will probably be a lot of time spent just in the house. We will hopefully do a day out at a theme park but what on earth do you do to keep kids occupied. Theyre french. My french is intermediate. I cant do interesting conversations in it and his mum doesnt appear to do interesting conversations full stop.
Im imagining a week of playing on our phones or reading , but then i feel worried we will be judged. Kids will watch a bit of french telly but they dont follow it that well.
Any tips on things we can do in a boring house for a fucking week without their own stuff?

Some good ideas are coming. Backgammon and boules are good ideas. A small tent could be fun but i imagine dps stepdad might get quite cross if his lawn was ruined. Dd loves stuff like that. Ds might need persuading a lot.
Yes yes to dp probably being on the spectrum too. Im pretty convinced we all are, but only the children are diagnosed.
Just had a bit of a row with dp about what plans were. Apparently he shouldnt have to tell me plans as its logical how he would do it. Ugh. So tempted to tell him im not fucking going and to dump his arse while im at it, but i wont as we love each other really.

Its not so much being determined not to enjoy myself, as just knowing what its actually like every time. I think i gave up a few years back.

What about doing a treasure hunt sort of thing. It would take a little bit of work from you and your DH but I'm sure the kids would love it. I assume you have a garden whilst there. If not go out further afield and doe little clues with a small prize at the end. My DH was always brilliant doing these when DS was younger.

@alexashutup are you bilingual? Im in awe of people who find it so effortless.
My vocab is pretty good. Im great at naming things lol. I cant get to grips with grammar and different tenses. It makes conversations so difficult.
I am fine in loads of situations and with new people and rehearsed convefsations, but ugh you really notice the lack of fluency to join in with fast paced conversations, and of course if you get one part of a sentence wrong it can change the whole meaning Did you have any good strategies?
Ive done so many lessons. People tell me my french is ok , but bloody hell it isnt.

Ive had my confidence knocked a few times by a couple of different family members (not his mum) who have laughed or taken the piss which i am rubbish at brushing off. It just threw me and now im scared to even talk if im not 100% sure - which is usually

It's obvious the issues here are deeper than how to entertain the kids.
In your shoes I would be having more words with my dp once things had calmed down a bit.

If you hate it, the dc aren't that bothered, your dp is going out of a sense of duty (and won't compromise about day trips) and it sounds as if your dp's parents aren't exactly enamoured about the whole thing, and you are mainly there to see another relative anyway, then why put yourselves through this stress and misery each year?

You are adults with choices. Why not shake things up a bit? Sorry, but you sound very passive. Why not visit for a couple of days and stay one night on your way there and again on the way back to somewhere else? Only go every other year. Or ask them to stay with you instead?

And call me old-fashioned, and I know outside accommodation is costly, but I think it is a bit off to continually accept hospitality and then keep complaining about it (yes, even where close family is involved).

Your dp has to see that it is important to compromise and do what works for the majority of the family; you may want to please him but how can he really be happy knowing how stressed and miserable the prospect of this trip is making you?

I felt very sad reading this. But you've had some great tips further up the thread.

I agree with one pp - make a list of what you will do each day - just one new thing. Perhaps send that to MIL in advance of your trip - perhaps writing is easier for both of you? Then she and SDadIL can get some time off to join you?

I would also suggest some english/french cards - get the kids to teach MIL and SDIL some english and the kids can practice their french.

We spent a lot of time in Italy and I always hoped my DC would magically just be able to join in with the local kids. Didnt happen - they were very shy and we now know have learning needs. It did make the casual encounters much harder. I learned Italian through ad ed and dvds - got to a basic level but couldnt progress further so any conversations were very basic. It made superficial daily interaction OK but developing deeper friendships quite difficult. So i have some sympathy but it never stopped me going out and doing things.

I'd make it part of the deal with DP, spell out your issues, as it doesn't sound as if he gets it.
Be very specific, that you hate being stuck in someone else's house and that you need an outing every day ( and not just the supermarket). Make a plan with him. Tell himl you are not going unless your needs are accommodated. Make it clear that going at all is a massive compromise for you, and he needs to help make it bearable.

Have you ever tried geocaching? Free app to download on to phone. See if there's much near where MIL lives, go out on foot to find caches or drive somewhere where there's a whole series. DC might get into it, it's very popular with lots of autistic people I know, and it's a good way of getting out and seeing something you might not know is there.
www.geocaching.com

Another thought - you mentioned a small tent for DC but you werent sure how SDadIL would like it. Can you again email in advance of the trip and ask if it would be OK and then ask SDIL to help put it up? I bet the kids would love doing that with their grandad even if none of them speak the same language.

In terms of the language OP- it’s totally, totally normal to struggle to converse with more than one person. It’s hard to follow the conversation AND think of something to say faster than the other people. The conversation moves on and you end up saying something slightly odd!! And it’s exhausting. Please don’t feel bad about that. Languages are hard to learn.

Agree, speaking as an expat who has felt inadequate in more French conversations than you can shake a stick at, the French you use in rapid, casual, day to day colloquial conversation is quite different to the French you learn in grammar books!

Really recommend French Today; its a great app to study!

thanks everyone. Yes, it certainly goes go deeper. Wasnt expecting the conversation to get this deep tbh lol.
We will survive. Ive told dp we need to go out and do something every single day and there are some good suggestions of a few things to do in the house. Im crap at thinking up stuff like that, so cheers They seem so obvious written down. There are a few people we can visit that try and engage me in conversations and understand how to simplify their french when talking to a foreigner

For those getting at OP for not learning the language, some people do struggle with languages I know I do.

I loved learning languages at school and was very good at translation, writing and reading both into French/German or back into English but could not grasp conversational French/German at all. Would get 90% in my written exams but failed every Oral. And don't even get me started on French dictation (still makes me shudder 40 years on). I just could not distinguish the different sounds. I loved learning Latin because we never spoke it, just did translations.

Interestingly I failed all my piano aural tests too.

I also cannot cope if someone speaks English with a strong accent. I looked like this when watching Rab C Nesbitt.

So I assume I have some sort of auditory processing disorder. So it is not always a simple solution to say just learn the language.

Just dont think we will last the week. Ive packed valium

Bordel! You really are determined to hate it, aren’t you?! If you won’t drive, then your DP will have to. Just say to him that you aren’t going to stay cooped up all day and do days out, take Mamie with on days she’s not working.

Even northern France has nice stuff yo visit. Give me a rough area and I’m happy to give you ideas.

its not so much determined to hate it, as having a massive sense of impending doom. The thread was started to try and find ideas of ways to make it tolerable as im going completely into myself and cant see the wood for the trees

Oh god OK that sounds really uncomfortable and lonely for you. Can you arrange a phone call or Skype with a friend or three every evening you're there? Will there be somewhere private enough to have an honest conversation where you can vent? Find a way of doing this without running up crazy international phone bills before you go, and pre arrange with friends who will be available on which days to take your calls.

Take something secret just for yourself, so you can sneak off occasionally and treat yourself. Vibrator? Chocolate? That's Life magazine? Something a bit "naughty" that you can pop off and indulge yourself in to recharge when you're feeling particularly crap and lonely.

I think you really need your DP to understand what it's like for you, you'll feel a lot less lonely even in the exact same circumstances if at least there's someone else who gets when it's hard for you. Don't share your secret "naughty" thing with him though otherwise it won't work so well when it's him annoying you.

You could also save up a few ideas for nice cheering mumsnet threads and start one before a stressful day. Checking in all day to see "Daft things your child has said" or "Tell me a joke" might help, and might give you a couple of things to talk about in real life with your boring family.

Best of luck.

Ooh can I recommend a big jigsaw with one of those jigsaw mats? That's something I often do on a holiday, especially with relations who I don't get on with brilliantly/language barriers. A 1000 piece jigsaw can go on for days with people doing bits here and there. There are usually good ones in charity shops cheaply, obviously plenty online at vast cost.

Not sure whether your kids are at secondary or about to go - mine going to 'bog standard' academy are set 'get ahead programme' tasks in each of their subjects - print out stuff off from the internet, make posters and everyone does My Maths - only accessible with decent wifi. If this is a thing for your kids you could get this out the way and enjoy your time later in the school holidays?

I know I said this was about mindset, but the more you post the more I want to acknowledge that most people would struggle with this situation. It does sound very lonely for you.

I got very shy about speaking French when someone comes over my English accent. I was somewhat mortified! And when someone replied to my schoolgirl French in English... so many mortifications. People do usually mean well and/or thoughtless but I sympathise with the confidence knock. Does it help if I say an English accent is apparently really appealing when speaking French?

I also think you need to be clear with your dh re terms. You need to get out most days. That’s part of the deal, he needs to facilitate that. Schedule some days at mil to lounge and read etc sounds like you might do well with a schedule? And a jigsaw on the go is a great idea. We have one at Christmas and it’s madly addictive!

With a family full of ASD, routine is really important. It sounds like DP just tries to bury himself and become non-responsive but that's the worst thing to do. Decide whether it's better to go out in morning or afternoon, and plan one trip per day, with just one BIG day like the theme park. Trips don't have to be big, and may only be one thing. Set a routine on day one, and pretty much stick to it. It doesn't have to be military precision, but something like:

Lazy start to day, so breakfast, allow some time on devices. Do any tidying that needs doing. Get together anything you need for the trip out.
Early lunch at home (if you're like us food is an issue so eating out is hard)
Trip out: visit family, find local park/swimming pool/supermarket/river/town center etc.
Early eve - outdoor play once you get home, assuming you've been in the car for a while getting back.
Eve - dinner, talk to MIL, let kids relax on devices.

I have a DC who is on the spectrum, and a DH who just seems to 'shut down' around his mother/doesn't often motivate himself to go out. I've found that having reasonable expectations with some routine behind them helps us all to stay sane.

I think you and DH need to see this trip as a holiday rather than poping round to see relatives

We live abroad and just been home, we had days out planned and got different familly together there same with meals out different sets of people (big family)

Ask about local markets, do get a jigsaw, tell his mum what you plan and when, and see if she's free to join you, ask if any other relatives have been invited for dinner etc so you can plan round her.

Jigsaw puzzle is a good idea. We did that last time we came.

Yesterday, we went to the bakery & bought things for breakfast & lunch & then fruit picking in the afternoon. After dinner we played a card game similar to rummy for a couple of hours. It was relaxed & we feel ready for today which will probably be more of the same!

Sounds like your in a place mentally with only problems and no solutions. And when offered a solution just have a negative response.

It really is what you make of it and so far it doesn't seem you and DH have ever made much effort when you go there.

Ok it's the suburbs but that's true for many people visiting family, most people don't live slap bang right in the centre of an exciting cultural hub. I live in a Dublin suburb, my family and friends in the UK live in the suburbs too but you go out! You plan day trips, visits to the nearest city, the local park, go for walks, occasionally out for lunch or dinner.

You seem to literally stay in their house it just sounds so odd. I'm happy to have family or friends stay and some of that time we might be at work but I'd be stunned if they came for a week and other than one day trip they just hung around the house being bored and waiting to be entertained. Tbh I'd also find them very tiresome and wonder why they'd bothered coming!

What sort of thing do you do at home?

You say it’s like a suburb of Basildon, but people do live perfectly happily in a suburb of Basildon.

I think the big thing is to be brave enough to leave the house and not feel you have to sit around drinking cups of tea making conversation.