Husband needs space

[Macaroni84]

I’d just like to say that NEVER did I see a post like this coming from me. How stupid I was!

Basically my dh and I have been together for 12 years, married for 10. After 7 years of ttc we have a beautiful 2.5 year old daughter.
As of last week my wonderful, loving, kind, caring husband decided he needed space and moved in with his parents?! I am devastated as this is only a few weeks after our 10th anniversary which was amazing. Until tonight I have not txt him or called him other than to reply to his messages and I have tried very hard to support what he needs while making it clear this is not my decision and not what I want. We have at the moment agreed to him having access twice per week, 1 family dinner and 1 date per week. I’m just not sure if I’m being an idiot and making this harder in the long run. I know my mum thinks I should tell him where to go but surely if I’m willing to give up that easy it makes me as bad as him!

I find myself strong and in control planning my furture without him but then thinking no way is this it and thinking all will be fine.
Regardless my attitude and opinion of him have changed and although I’m sure we could be happy again I will never fully trust him. There were many times over the years of ivf and hormones I could have seen this coming but this was out the blue. We were actively trying for another child the week before!

I don’t know what o want anyone to say but I just thought if I wrote this down it may help as that is what got me through all the ivf. My biggest upsets other than losing him are:
My daughter being from a broken home
I’m now 34 and chances of ever having another child are quickly slipping away.

Only a few people know and they r gobsmacked I mean we were an amazing couple who laughed our way through everything. He said he has been unhappy a couple of months and feels trapped. I just said u wanted this life as much as me if not more! I wanted to say grow up u absolute welcome to being an adult.

It’s almost like a 7 year itch! I was pregnant when we were married 7 years so maybe it’s hitting him now i really don’t know.

I have been so strong since he left me, I have cried but mainly when talking about dd. I have planned and tidied and got my life into order.

Tonight after our lunch date I have became increasingly upset to the point of feeling so sick and that I just cannot cope. I ended up txting him and he cane and helped put our dd down. I am so unbelievably angry at myself as I know there is nothing that is going to have changed from lunch time today. I thought if this happened I’d have called my mum but knowing how disappointed in me for the way I’m dealing with this made me feel like I couldn’t and she’d be devastated if I told her that.

Does it just come in massive waves like this? I hate being weak and helpless it’s not me.

Tonight he said he loved me and that he just needed to sort himself out but wants to work it out and come home, this is not the end.

I’m so sorry for you OP.

Another poster said how can a relationship go from strong to over in three days. The thing is though it isn’t three days. This has been in your DH’s head for some time - weeks or months. He has had lots of time to ‘adjust’ to the change in lifestyle because he was imagining it all that time.

I don’t know whether he wants his cake and eat it too (stupid expression but you know what I mean) or whether he is letting you down gently (in his eyes) by having a date night.

He will have to be honest with you. You can’t progress until he does for he has broken what was there. If me, I’d advocate cutting contact except regarding your DD but I also know in my heart, having been in a similar situation with a boyfriend, that cutting contact is hard, very hard, when you love that person.

I’m no help really but use MN as an outlet. There are lots of us on here who understand what you are going through x

When will I learn?! My husband has our daughter today and when I dropped her on my way to work his parents got her which upset me greatly and I lost my temper.

My husband was meant to talk to me tonight when dropping her off and he has txt now to say they will be late. I asked if he was planning to bath her and he said no he was going to come on Wednesday and do it and we would talk then if that ok? I reminded him that he has her Thursday and he said I was going to come on Wednesday after work. I have just replied that we will discuss it when he drops her off.

I don’t understand how he cannot see that I have been feeling sick all day at what would happen tonight? How can he not see that he is making me ill and feel like a piece of shit? Why was he not waiting by he door for our beautiful, funny daughter to arrive when he hasn’t seen her since wed or Thursday?! (I can’t remember as all my days are merged just now lol) we need to have this out and I am getting angrier by the minute with him

You need to have a plan post this relationship. Be strong. He has opted out. Don't talk to him about if he decides to come back. He will drag this out if he has the control. Get his keys, make sure he has no reason to come back in, get a solicitor. He is playing a game and you need to protect your mental health. If he came back you'd just be waiting for the next time.

OP, he is stalling, what a bloody coward.
Set a date, get baby sitters and tell him it's this day that you both agree to or you'll manage the close of your relationship, solicitors, access for him, yourself without any input from him.

If you don't force his hand he will continue like this and just let it drift.

I would take it that it's over and seek legal advice, tell him you are doing this and start divorce proceedings. He obviously can't do any of this himself for whatever reason.

I took his keys the day after he left and I have removed all his belongings from the house. He is honestly a nice guy and will not even be thinking about how upsetting this all is for me with changing times or asking to pop in. He almost plods through life nothing is a rush or a priority. Irritating but it was also a very positive part of our relationship too. Obviously with this being his personality he will not be in a hurry to make any decisions, I could see him thinking as long as we get on that 6 months down the line this is still acceptable. He just doesn’t get stuff at all he can’t seem to think outside his own little world I suppose. I’m going to tell him today and c how it goes will post and let u all know.

What do I need a solicitor for? Can we not just agree to things ourselves?

You deserve better than waiting around hoping that you and DD will be good enough for him, if he is this confused about his feelings then he doesn't want you enough.

Like fuck would I wait around for a man who didn't want me back.

Take the power back, tell him it's over, get a solicitor, formalise visitation and financial arrangements, kick him out once and for all.

Be the best version of yourself you can be, be happy, enjoy your precious DD. Letting you go will be the biggest mistake and loss of his life.

Ditto, to the above.
He has gone, it doesn't give a jot what his personality is.
The fact he wouldn't consider how upsetting for you this is, makes him a shit husband not a nice man.
I don't mean to be mean OP, you are doing great, but I don't know anyone who would be this patient.
He has given you no answers as to why he is doing this, if there's ow or not.
He is stringing you along like men do when they are trying to decide between two women. I'm not saying this is the case, but would explain why he doesn't want to talk about the finalities of your relationship.
Atm, he just thinks you have given him his belongings and he can come back anytime he likes.
Don't be a mug, find out where you stand financially, let him know you are going to solicitors, it might make him communicate a bit better.
For your dd sake get access formalised by courts, as he can't be trusted to keep to allocated times.

OP he doesn't sound like a nice guy at all. He is behaving in such a selfish way to you & DD.

Having read dozens and dozens of threads that start out this way....they always end the same way, when the OW is revealed.

He really doesn't sound nice at all op. He sounds like a useless piece of shit who can't front up to his responsibilities. I wouldn't treat a casual acquaintance the way he's treated you. How DARE he walk out on his wife and daughter?

I think you need to find your anger.

You've had a really shit week, I'm hoping you're gaining clarity.
He's literally procrastinating, he doesn't want to be in the relationship, but he won't do anything about it.
He want to see he daughter, but it'd better be facilitated by other people.
Work out your own plan re childcare, text it to him and tell him that's the way it is. Get onto cms.
See a solicitor for advice.
Good luck.

Lonny is spot on. Find your anger. This was me nearly 2.5 years ago. I remember when I found my anger. Two of our four children were crying for him and asking when he was coming home and I didn't know what to say to them. I fucking hated him for that. I had no clue why he left, wasn't expecting it at all. He didn't give an explanation. I'd just given birth, too!

Do not let him have his cake and eat it. Take back the control. You will be so bloody proud of yourself in the months ahead xx

Thanks so much for all the support and things for me to think about. I do not have any idea where my anger is. I have been angry but I know I am capable of kicking up complete shit it just doesn’t seem to be in me anymore not been angry like that for years! I know I am being far too soft on him. I have made my decision now and that’s it so come Wednesday if he has nothing new to offer im breaking free. It will be hard and horrible but I have so much to look forward to with my gorgeous daughter. She really has helped me through and I wonder if that’s why im not as angry as I should be. I don’t want her to feel that from me and I am (despite the devastation) happy because I AM A MUM!! It’s what I always wanted and no matter what happens it will never be taken away from me. She is the light in this shitty darkness and her and I will go on and have a great life together if needs be. She is only 2.5 and we have so many more wonderful things to experience together, she makes me smile everyday and amazes me every day. That’s what I need to focus on!

Financially I am the bread winner so will be fine, all going well with Home sale I have already picked a lovely wee place for our wee princess palace! X

Could you have been more into having a daughter than he was?
Or reality as a dad isn't what he was expecting.
Either way, all a massive cop out. Glad you've got a plan.

No he has always been more into kids than me. In fact I made him wait! He does love being a dad I think things have been tough and he has took the easy way out. Life is hard and I can see he is struggling but I have struggles too and didn’t abandon my family

OP just read your earlier post. he's not a nice guy. He wouldn't be doing this if he was nice. Wake up.

You sound so strong OP. Well done. You will get through this.

I promise I understand what u r thinking when u all think he isn’t nice and if I didn’t know him I would say the same thing to others. He is honestly a really nice guy many times I have wondered how the hell I could be so lucky. If he turns round and says he doesn’t love me anymore then yes he has dealt with it in a really shit way. If there is ow then he is a complete arse and has screwed his over a cheap thrill.
Anyone I have told, which is now growing as I need the support, are so shocked as it is just not him at all. Many are worried about him and his mental health. I’m not sure that’s it either however if anyone was going to do this he would be the last pick by anyone. Everyone likes him, he fits in and makes friends wherever he goes. He is just a really happy go lucky guy. Right now he’s not, he is sad behind the eyes, tired and has lost his sense of humour. From speaking with his sister who has been a massive support and his mum he isn’t doing much but Work and sleep so I don’t see it being another woman. He’s only been for a pint once since he left. I could be completely naive here and I’m sure some of u are shouting at ur screens mad at me! But I just wanted to try and express how truly out of character and so far from our lives this is x

Something similar happened an old work colleague of mine. She was in her early twenties st the time and living with her then boyfriend. She went home one evening after work to find him packing bags. She asked him what he was doing and he replied that he was leaving. Right there and then he left. She was left reeling and in a really awful state. His mum was ringing her wondering what had happened, he wasn’t saying a word It turned out that he was grieving for his Dad who had died some time ago and was depressed. After a month or so they got back together, went on to get married and are now still together with two children.

The difference I think was that her boyfriend didn’t string her along. He told her it was over and for her own good. But they talked it through (finally) and he didn’t mess her around. All the time his mum cried on the phone to her and she was probably the one who made him see sense.

Aw that’s such a sad but lovely story. Why can’t men deal with their emotions it’s really sad! My dad is very like my husband personality wise and when things worry him he shuts down- now he doesn’t walk out on my Mum, she’d never let him back, but he does go into himself completely. It’s worrying that for some men they cannot just say what is troubling them, most of the time it would be easy sorted! I’m so glad they worked it out. I get what u r saying, ur posts seem very wise! Thanks x

Hi Macaroni how are things progressing for you. Have you made a decision for yourself? You’ve handled it well so far.

DS back home separated and lying to uswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3340982-DS-back-home-separated-and-lying-to-us

@Macaroni84 is this your MIL? Seems a bit familiar x

Hi all thanks for sending it messages and for looking out for me too.

I will post in a few days and let u know what’s happening I’m kind of at the things are going well but I’m not caring stage so see how it goes once I now know what’s going on in my head. Haha sounding like him now!

That’s definitely not her, she wouldn’t know how to use the internet anyway but had a look and too many inconsistencies but thank u. Did have a little panic when I saw the headline lol!
Bottom line he is still not home, we are working at it but I’m feeling like I’m now the one checking out which I really hate to say. Watch this space!! X

Hi there- just wanted to see how this ended up? :)