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Original poster

Husband needs space

100 replies

Macaroni84 · 07/08/2018 23:03

I’d just like to say that NEVER did I see a post like this coming from me. How stupid I was!

Basically my dh and I have been together for 12 years, married for 10. After 7 years of ttc we have a beautiful 2.5 year old daughter.
As of last week my wonderful, loving, kind, caring husband decided he needed space and moved in with his parents?! I am devastated as this is only a few weeks after our 10th anniversary which was amazing. Until tonight I have not txt him or called him other than to reply to his messages and I have tried very hard to support what he needs while making it clear this is not my decision and not what I want. We have at the moment agreed to him having access twice per week, 1 family dinner and 1 date per week. I’m just not sure if I’m being an idiot and making this harder in the long run. I know my mum thinks I should tell him where to go but surely if I’m willing to give up that easy it makes me as bad as him!

I find myself strong and in control planning my furture without him but then thinking no way is this it and thinking all will be fine.
Regardless my attitude and opinion of him have changed and although I’m sure we could be happy again I will never fully trust him. There were many times over the years of ivf and hormones I could have seen this coming but this was out the blue. We were actively trying for another child the week before!

I don’t know what o want anyone to say but I just thought if I wrote this down it may help as that is what got me through all the ivf. My biggest upsets other than losing him are:
My daughter being from a broken home
I’m now 34 and chances of ever having another child are quickly slipping away.

Only a few people know and they r gobsmacked I mean we were an amazing couple who laughed our way through everything. He said he has been unhappy a couple of months and feels trapped. I just said u wanted this life as much as me if not more! I wanted to say grow up u absolute welcome to being an adult.

It’s almost like a 7 year itch! I was pregnant when we were married 7 years so maybe it’s hitting him now i really don’t know.

I have been so strong since he left me, I have cried but mainly when talking about dd. I have planned and tidied and got my life into order.

Tonight after our lunch date I have became increasingly upset to the point of feeling so sick and that I just cannot cope. I ended up txting him and he cane and helped put our dd down. I am so unbelievably angry at myself as I know there is nothing that is going to have changed from lunch time today. I thought if this happened I’d have called my mum but knowing how disappointed in me for the way I’m dealing with this made me feel like I couldn’t and she’d be devastated if I told her that.

Does it just come in massive waves like this? I hate being weak and helpless it’s not me.

Tonight he said he loved me and that he just needed to sort himself out but wants to work it out and come home, this is not the end.

OP posts:
happiertomorrow · 10/08/2018 07:09

*asked not adored!

Originalsaltedpeanuts · 10/08/2018 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babdoc · 10/08/2018 09:33

You are doing everything right, OP. Mobilising support from your family and friends, standing up to your selfish husband, starting to call the shots instead of meekly being told what to accept, getting his stuff out of the house (that’s very symbolic of getting HIM out!), planning ahead, taking some time out at your parents’ place to process your feelings and get over the shock.
I’m sure everyone here on MN is rooting for you, and sending their support.
My best wishes for a happy future, OP. God bless.

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Original poster
Macaroni84 · 10/08/2018 16:14

Thank u so much to everyone for all ur kind messages and support. I told him last night I would deliver his belongings to his mum today and this morning he cancelled again. I then just txt him and said meet u there in 15 mins and we can get it out then. I made sure he knew I wasn’t doing it to be mean, this is still not what I want but I cannot continue this way. He is welcome to get in touch when he is ready to talk or regarding our dd. I broke down a little when saying this to him and I also pointed out that by him being so awkward and making it more difficult it’s as if I have done something wrong which I haven’t. He apologised for this. He is so laid back which was his worst and best quality all in one! I think he has no comprehension of how serious this is or what it all actually means. He is just typically plodding along and if I didn’t force this his stuff would still be here in 6 months. I really hope he sees how wrong he has been but at the end of the day I cannot make him want to be with me or love me. I just need to focus on me and my girl and get us set up for a great future and if he wants to join us he will be welcomed with open arms. I just don’t know for how long...

OP posts:
snowsun · 10/08/2018 21:04

You're handling this amazingly. This must be so hard for you but you are doing what is best.
Sending you a Thanks

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 10/08/2018 23:42

Thank u! Doesn’t feel like I am but really trying my best! My bff came round tonight and we tidied all the cupboards ready for going on the market, she is amazing and I’m so lucky to have herSmile

OP posts:
Original poster
Macaroni84 · 11/08/2018 11:34

So for anyone who has been through this how long did it take you to stop thinking about them? I know it’s such early days and as he is not being clear it’s not giving me closure. I just keep hoping and thinking he may come back. In reality I think he just doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t have the guts to tell me!!

OP posts:
ertcimy · 11/08/2018 12:04

Sorry to hear you're going through this.
I also think you have acted amazingly strong but of course you have because you are a mum and us mums keep the world going! Your DD will admire you in years to come.

How dare he! Is he too much of a little boy to adult? Yes life's tough, boring, monotonous at times but toughen up. He has another human being that relies on him. He's able to run home to his parents when he's had enough - where is he for his DD.

I have heard that it takes 1 month for every year that you've been together to feel less wobbly.

Keep on going OP - you are doing fine without him!

Jupiter9 · 11/08/2018 12:08

It's obvious to me you love this guy so much, were you planning on buying another house together as a fresh start?

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 11/08/2018 12:15

Thank u I agree with what ur saying he can’t just be a drop in dad and why would he want to be after we waited so long!

No we were moving due to house size and been looking into it for a while. We have had no problems whatsoever so no need for a fresh start. We don’t argue, we laugh and have fun and are just both completely stupid together. I think that’s why this is so hard as I didn’t see it coming. The toughest thing we went through was ivf and we survived because we talk and laugh and always realised we were lucky to have each other. Obviously that has changed for him. I am still madly in love with him and it’s not going to change quickly but omg that would mean a whole year to get back to normality! Shock

OP posts:
Jupiter9 · 11/08/2018 12:25

I'm surprised his parents haven't talked some sense into him.

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 11/08/2018 13:08

They are not those kind of parents. He is closer to mine. They are a family who do not talk at all. It took me a long time to get him to start talking properly. I think bar me and my parents he doesn’t have anyone that will actually say to him what the hell u thinking?

OP posts:
Original poster
Macaroni84 · 11/08/2018 16:04

So I am finding it so hard not to txt him. I know I am being an idiot because although I said no contact unless ready to talk or regarding dd he could really reach out if he wanted to! I miss him so much and just wish he was feeling the same way. Writing on here instead of txting him haha. I bet in 6 months time I will be laughing at myself for being such an idiot and pining for someone who clearly no longer loves me

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 11/08/2018 18:23

Texting won’t help win him back, at all. Avoid.

Loopytiles · 11/08/2018 18:24

You’re not being an idiot to pine for and miss him at all. But contact implying you’re waiting for him is not a good idea.

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 11/08/2018 18:37

No I know u r right. I didn’t do it and posted here instead and txt my friend! It’s the living in hope that’s killing me. Once he admits that it’s over or I myself come to that decision I think things will get easier.

OP posts:
diege · 11/08/2018 18:45

God you're strong! Keep going, it will get easier I promise. Don't make the mistake of taking the crumbs offered like I did Thanks

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 11/08/2018 18:47

Thanks I am trying but sometimes it hits me and I just feel like I can’t go on. Most of the time I am ok even happy especially as my dd makes me laugh every day. I just want this pain and uncertainty to go away!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 11/08/2018 18:55

youre being so strong and dignified OP. Keep going. Youre refusing to sell yourself short. You know who you are and your worth.

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 11/08/2018 19:06

I’m a mess again tonight and can’t stop crying so I am feeling far from strong. I just want to c him though I know nothing will have changed. How can he do something so out of character?! Why did I not see this happening? We have just had so many happy times in the weeks and days prior so I just do not get it. I want him so much because I’m still madly in love with him.

OP posts:
lapenguin · 11/08/2018 19:23

No advice but sending a hug! This can't be easy on you!

Radiosheep · 11/08/2018 19:29

Hi OP so sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you still haven't got over the shock of his leaving as you didn't have any inkling of how he was feeling. I remember a woman I worked coming into work after her husband of over 20 yrs left her. She had no idea and thought they were happy. Can't think of anything to help except just take a day at a time. By the time he sorts himself out, if he does, you might find you're over him and don't want him back. If you knew why it would help but if he returns and you don't find out why will you be able to trust him not to do it again? He's being really selfish by not really telling you what's going on for him. Might be worth reading up on the symptoms of depression. My first dh was depressed but I didn't recognise the symptoms and I had worked on a psychiatric ward so should've been able to see it. Sometimes you can be too close to see it. Brew why don't you ring yr mum to chat about it just so yr not going through this on yr own in rl?

Radiosheep · 11/08/2018 19:35

Or ring your bff? If you were my bff in rl I would hate to think of you going through this alone and that you couldn't ring me. Same if you were my daughter.

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 11/08/2018 19:36

Thanks my mum and dad are going out tonight and I know they would drop it but it’s hard for them too so I want them to have a good night and not worry about me! They have been so upset and worried about me and I want them to have a night off. It’s him that I want I know no one can say or do anything but I just want to speak to him or see him. I feel so weak. My mum keeps telling me he is not worth all this pain and anguish as he clearly is t giving a shit but it just doesn’t help me. I’m just lost and don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Macaroni84 · 11/08/2018 19:38

I txt my bff who is at a party and told her to give me a virtual kick up the arse...she is on her way. Honestly don’t like being so dependent on people they all have their own lives to live and fun to have!

OP posts: