Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Husband needs space

100 replies

Macaroni84 · 07/08/2018 23:03

I’d just like to say that NEVER did I see a post like this coming from me. How stupid I was!

Basically my dh and I have been together for 12 years, married for 10. After 7 years of ttc we have a beautiful 2.5 year old daughter.
As of last week my wonderful, loving, kind, caring husband decided he needed space and moved in with his parents?! I am devastated as this is only a few weeks after our 10th anniversary which was amazing. Until tonight I have not txt him or called him other than to reply to his messages and I have tried very hard to support what he needs while making it clear this is not my decision and not what I want. We have at the moment agreed to him having access twice per week, 1 family dinner and 1 date per week. I’m just not sure if I’m being an idiot and making this harder in the long run. I know my mum thinks I should tell him where to go but surely if I’m willing to give up that easy it makes me as bad as him!

I find myself strong and in control planning my furture without him but then thinking no way is this it and thinking all will be fine.
Regardless my attitude and opinion of him have changed and although I’m sure we could be happy again I will never fully trust him. There were many times over the years of ivf and hormones I could have seen this coming but this was out the blue. We were actively trying for another child the week before!

I don’t know what o want anyone to say but I just thought if I wrote this down it may help as that is what got me through all the ivf. My biggest upsets other than losing him are:
My daughter being from a broken home
I’m now 34 and chances of ever having another child are quickly slipping away.

Only a few people know and they r gobsmacked I mean we were an amazing couple who laughed our way through everything. He said he has been unhappy a couple of months and feels trapped. I just said u wanted this life as much as me if not more! I wanted to say grow up u absolute welcome to being an adult.

It’s almost like a 7 year itch! I was pregnant when we were married 7 years so maybe it’s hitting him now i really don’t know.

I have been so strong since he left me, I have cried but mainly when talking about dd. I have planned and tidied and got my life into order.

Tonight after our lunch date I have became increasingly upset to the point of feeling so sick and that I just cannot cope. I ended up txting him and he cane and helped put our dd down. I am so unbelievably angry at myself as I know there is nothing that is going to have changed from lunch time today. I thought if this happened I’d have called my mum but knowing how disappointed in me for the way I’m dealing with this made me feel like I couldn’t and she’d be devastated if I told her that.

Does it just come in massive waves like this? I hate being weak and helpless it’s not me.

Tonight he said he loved me and that he just needed to sort himself out but wants to work it out and come home, this is not the end.

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 08/08/2018 14:49

This same thing happened with my friend, her dh had had his head turned by a swedish au pair, believe it or not. She told him straight if he asked, she'd have an affair.
Anyway, it was a mid life crisis and although he was tempted, moved out of the family home to his parents, didn't actually want her when it came down to it.
However, the wife told him to stop coming round, it was doing her head in being in limbo.
She told him that access would be arranged for future visits and handover done by somebody else.
This made him realise what he was missing i.e his wife, as he still saw the dc.
He came back a few days later and spilled his guts, she took him back as he hadn't really done anything, certainly nothing sexual.
It took time to build the trust but they are fine years later and he hasn't so much as put a foot wrong, according to her.

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 08/08/2018 14:55

The more I think about it I’m thinking g if I completely cut the contact he may take it seriously. I don’t know what the hell has happened to me though I just don’t seem to have the balls these days. In years gone by I’d have chucked his stuff in the street! Now I just avoid confrontation and want things to be amicable for the sake of our Dd. I think I’m just gonna need to grew a pair and if it’s meant to be. He is completely fucking with my head and I just ant go on like this! My home is going on the market next week, this was something we were doing anyway, so I’m going ahead without him and will start fresh either way

OP posts:
Prettysureitsnotok · 08/08/2018 15:02

Focus on yourself and your own happiness - he's only thinking of himself so it's time to put yourself first.

I'm in the same position as @EmmashouldI - decided he "wasn't happy", pissed off for a bit, and then as soon as I found myself again decided he wanted another shot but it just makes me feel suffocated. I still don't know what the answer is, we live together but I have so little respect for him now. It was really nice having my own space, after the shock wore off :)

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
Macaroni84 · 08/08/2018 15:07

That’s my exact worry. I know I am old fashioned on this but marriage is for life, u don’t just back out when things get tough. However over the weekend after many chats with my bff and my mum I realised that my life looked pretty good without him. That’s not what I want but it seemed more structured and organised. No mess, no late dinners (coz of shifts) u know just straight forward. I’m worried if he does stay away I won’t want him back and although it’s not my fault he did this I may then be unable to feel happy. I already feel completely differently about him and don’t know how if we r sitting 6 months or 6 years down the line and we are quiet watching tv, I will be thinking is he happy?!

OP posts:
Prettysureitsnotok · 08/08/2018 15:14

Yep - OW or not, he's betrayed you. He's decided for whatever reason that he'd be happier without you. And that will sting. He's probably wrong, FWIW, but it will naturally damage your trust and you better make him work to get it back, if or when he's ready.

I honestly think the best thing you can do is not make the mistake that he did. Communicate with him, set some time to sit down and let him know that you are worried your feelings are changing, and that you don't know what the future would look like with him. It's up to him what he does with that information, but you can't solve secrecy with more secrecy.

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 08/08/2018 15:32

I have told him that should he decide he wants to come back he really has to show me that he loves me and basically put some effort in! The only thing I. This whole situation that I’m sure of is that it doesn’t matter when or how long but he will regret this and if he waits too long I won’t be there waiting. I seriously hope this is not the end but i just don’t know how long I can give him

OP posts:
Prettysureitsnotok · 08/08/2018 15:38

I know how you feel. And if you ever start feeling like giving him a safety net when he's giving you nothing is no longer the right thing for you - don't be afraid to put yourself first.

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 08/08/2018 16:47

Thanks my bff just came round had a chat with her and I’m going for it just gonna day no contact unless regarding dd or if u r ready to talk/be honest. Going to make it clear that if he takes too long I may be u willing to move on with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Macaroni84 · 08/08/2018 22:35

I did it. I told him not to contact me unless it was regarding dd or when he was ready to talk. I did get upset but overall was firm and strong. I instantly felt better then fell into a wreck so now I’ve left too and staying with my parents lol. I need a break from home just for a few days. I genuinely think he just doesn’t have the guts to man up and say he doesn’t want to be with me. Hopefully he will realise he’s an idiot but I am gonna build my future now and if he does come crawling back I cannot guarantee I will be there.

Did anyone feel really upset about letting people know? I feel embarrassed and as yet we agreed not to tell people but I just can’t believe my marriage has failed

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 08/08/2018 22:59

Give yourself a break. Forgive yourself, too. You have every right to some space, too, and to not entertain him for dates or family nights. He left. He walked out. He doesn't get to just have you as his Plan B or back up plan, you're a human being with feelings.

BewareOfDragons · 08/08/2018 23:08
Flowers

He's a fool.

i'm sorry OP

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 08/08/2018 23:37

Thanks everyone I am currently lying breaking my heart in my room at my parents. I just hope that I feel better soon. I don’t expect to be on top of the world but I feel so sad, angry, hurt, humiliated I just don’t want to feel this way anymore. At least I have my beautiful daughter she is keeping me going

OP posts:
WindowsSmindows · 09/08/2018 00:17

oh OP I wish you strength.
and I hope your husband comes to his senses.

NewUserNameTime · 09/08/2018 13:09

Well done OP. You are strong but take the support from your DPs, a few days away from home may help.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about!

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 09/08/2018 16:58

Thanks everyone for ur support and help. I’ve been up and down today but getting house ready for market is helping. Once dd is down tonight coming home to do some painting etc and husband is coming after his work to clear his stuff out. Gonna move back home tomo and get on with my life I love my home and my space. Found a few flats I want to view for renting so fingers crossed house sells quickly and I can get one of them and will give us a fresh start whilst I decide my next move. Don’t want to jump straight into another mortgage! I am excited about moving but can’t believe we will be going it alone! How quickly something can change. I hope he changes his mind and realises what he has done but I need to think it’s fully over so I’m not brooding after him. As my mum says he doesn’t deserve it and I deserve better x

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 09/08/2018 17:00

Hang in there, OP! He doesn't deserve to dick his family about like this. My guess is OW, tbh.

RomanyRoots · 09/08/2018 17:05

Have seen your latest update OP and you are doing the right thing.
He can't keep you dangling like this and if it's the same situation as my friend I mentioned upthread, he will be back in couple of days most.
You have forced his hand and now he will be thinking of a life without you, I imagine he'll have an answer pretty damn quick.

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 09/08/2018 19:35

Thank you. I think because it is so out of character it’s making me think it’s all just a mistake but for my sanity I have to think it’s done. Doesn’t stop me hoping for a different outcome but at least gives me focus. At the end of the day I have my beautiful daughter that we waited so long for and she has to be my priority.
I also told my Gran today which was hard but necessary as we are a very close family. She is equally shocked and thinks it’s just a phase lol Just about to ring my colleague from work and tell her and only her as we work very closely and I don’t want her thinking I’m being off with her. I have told my boss too as worried on how it may impact my work x

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 09/08/2018 21:17

YOU need whatever support you get, no matter what the outcome, you deserve it and I'm glad you are reaching out.

Original poster
Macaroni84 · 09/08/2018 21:48

Thank u!

So expecting him around 10 at the latest and told him to keep in touch. Was getting pretty tired so txt to see how he was doing for time and said he was still cleaning and get it on Saturday morning if that’s ok. I just said I’d rather get it out tonight instead of prolonging it. If he doesn’t come tonight I will get my Mum to help me do it 2mo whilst he is at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Macaroni84 · 09/08/2018 22:14

He cancelled. He seemed to think he was collecting a bag of clothes as opposed to ALL of it! He then tried to change to 2mo morn so I said no I will drop it at ur mums 2mo whilst ur at work. I actually think he hasn’t taken it because his mum and dad have no idea, not because he doesn’t want it!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 10/08/2018 06:08

Sorry this is happening. Suggest that you urgently seek to agree regular days/times to have sole charge of DC, at his parents. Eg one weeknight each week and every other weekend. This may require him to change his work arrangements.

Important that he doesn’t abandon his parenting responsibilities. And that you get a little time alone.

Bouledeneige · 10/08/2018 06:24

So sorry OP. He's an absolute waste of space. Where would children be if we all walked out when the going got tough?

Set the routine for having the child - every other weekend and on Wednesdays - whatever. Ensure he is giving you financial support from the outset. Curtail other contact except for pure transactional stuff.

And be kind to yourself - find the small things to look forward to, and get all the support you can from friends and family. M

Jupiter9 · 10/08/2018 06:57

You seem such a lovely wife and fantastic mother. I can never understand how anyone could leave a family especially having a 2 year old and not want be there morning and night. It's so sad. Good luck.

happiertomorrow · 10/08/2018 07:09

I really feel for you. I'm in a similar situation. My partner told me a few weeks ago that he was less attracted to me. We have a 2.5 year old and I'm 20 weeks pregnant.

It turned out he did have OW who he had kissed and was texting so I adored him to leave.

I'm devastated and it's overwhelming at the moment.

However, I cant tolerate the disrespect for our family life and the attitude that he can run off and escape from reality when things get tough.

Wishing you the best of luck. You sound lovely and you will be better off without him in the long term.

Swipe left for the next trending thread