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Original poster

BIL says he's in love with me

55 replies

jollyhockey101 · 05/08/2018 21:23

Quite shellshocked and need advice.

Last night my brother-in-law told me he's in love with me, has been for a decade, and his marriage is breaking down.

We've always got on very well on nights out, holidays, boozy weekends away etc. But when stone cold sober, he struggles to make eye contact with me and clams up completely.

He's my DH's brother and older by several years. Myself and DH frequently talk about how strained we feel BIL's marriage is and can't quite understand why they are together (they are quite a mismatch)

I haven't told my DH as I'm not sure how he's going to react. Equally, I'm not comfortable keeping this from him. I also don't know what to say to BIL when I next see him.

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 05/08/2018 21:24

Tell him you aren't interested and tell your husband.

missfit123 · 05/08/2018 21:25

how did he tell you? how did it arise? what kind of relationship does bil have with your DH? how do you think your DH will react?

leighdinglady · 05/08/2018 21:32

You have to tell your husband. He needs to know who his brother is

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/08/2018 21:32

My advice is not to tell your husband at this stage - had he been drinking and not have said this if sober?
If your dh knows, their relationship would be irreparably damaged. Not saying anything right now will spare your dh the hurt. However you need to tell bil that this is not reciprocated and you are now in an awful position because he has selfishly dumped this on you.
If he backs off, harm is minimised as much as possible. If he doesn't, then you have to tell your dh. You cannot get into a situation where you collude with bil to hide an ongoing problem.
Avoid socialising with him if you can and only see him with your dh.
I doubt he loves you - he is probably messed up from his marriage, but you cannot be the one to listen to him and offer sympathy and support.

Original poster
jollyhockey101 · 05/08/2018 21:33

He was pissed (is had a few too but not drunk at all) he had bought me a drink so I said thank you and he said something along the lines of you know how much I love you so I laughed and gave him a funny look. He said no I'm absolutely serious, I've loved you for years and you have no idea, think about you all the time, wished his wife was more like me and his relationship is at breaking point.

DH and him are extremely close, although have had tension recently as he's been quite aggressive towards DH when drunk and we've never been able to know why. I think if I tell DH it will cause big family ructions and I'm worried BIL wife (my SIL) will find out and be utterly humiliated.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/08/2018 21:35

He has done a really shitty thing to you. So selfish.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/08/2018 21:37

Is it possible he would say something himself to your dh? I'd definitely stop socialising with him - he needs to know this is not okay!

Original poster
jollyhockey101 · 05/08/2018 21:39

Iwannaseehowitends I think you're right. He's in a bad place in his marriage and I think he probably looks and DH and I and perhaps wishes he has what his brother has. I think that's explains the aggressions towards him too, I think it stems from jealousy. I honestly don't think he was making a pass at me. I think he was just drunkenly trying to talk about it Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
jollyhockey101 · 05/08/2018 21:40

Sorry so many typos!

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/08/2018 21:46

Don't get into talking about it with him, beyond saying once that you know he'd been drinking and didn't mean it ( which gives him an 'out') and that you are upset he has said this to you and it's not on.
Then if he carries on, you will have to tell dh, but hopefully he will be sorry and start behaving better.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 05/08/2018 21:48

I would tell my dh immediately. I don't think that I would be able to keep it to myself. Then dh and I would discuss what to do.

emsiboob · 05/08/2018 21:49

Don't tell your DH. Just not worth breaking brothers up for.

Let him know it's not mutual

Carry on regardless

FiestaThenSiesta · 05/08/2018 21:53

You need to tell your DH anyway. Suggest his brother made a bizarre joke and you didn’t think he actually meant it but he’s now made you feel very uncomfortable.

Willofthesimpletons · 05/08/2018 21:54

Sorry, I think you have to tell your DH. If BIL is at the stage where he is getting so drunk that he is blurting this out to you, I imagine it won't be long before he blurts it to his brother, with the helpful information that you know. Then you are in a right pickle.

FiestaThenSiesta · 05/08/2018 21:55

She’s not broken up anyone and it’s ridiculous to make you feel like you have to keep a secret from your husband. It’s one brother who has created this. Best hope is say it was all a stupid joke while pissed and pretend it didn’t happen. But it keeping a secret would be shit for the OP

mineisarossini · 05/08/2018 21:56

I wouldn’t keep secrets from my dj, it will make you lookn complicit. Tell BIL you are not interested. Tell fdh. Bil clearly doesn’t care for his brothers relationship if he is happy to sabotage his marriage! Not your problem op. Be honest.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/08/2018 21:56

Yes, Fiesta's idea might be better because then you are not witholding this from your dh, but are putting the best possible spin on it, to give bil a way out and dh a way to not totally hate his brother.

MerryMarigold · 05/08/2018 22:03

He's maybe fantasised about you whilst his marriage was in a bad place. Can't believe he said anything though. What's the point of that? To embarrass you? In the hope you'd declare your undying love back? What a horrible position to put you in. I'd have a very sharp and angry word with him that you cannot see him socially for a while, to work on making his marriage work or work on getting out of it. And that you are furious with him for putting you in this position.

Original poster
jollyhockey101 · 05/08/2018 22:05

I honestly don't think it'll be mentioned again (certainly not when sober anyway) he's the sort to just bury his head in the sand. I think I'm the past he's joked to DH that he's lucky and that he thinks I'm attractive but DH was never annoyed by that. Oh god I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to have to tell DH as I tell him everything and don't feel comfortable keeping it from him.

OP posts:
lightonthewater · 05/08/2018 22:07

I don\t agree with other posters. I think it would destroy the relationship between the brothers. The brother in law is not happy , going through a bad time. He's made a stupid error of judgement and probably wishes he could take back what he said. I would ignore it and behave as if it hadn't happened. If he says anything in the future, then you need to really stamp on it and let him know it's not on. Once you say those words to your OH you can never take them back, and it will irreparably damage their relationship and it will affect all of you for ever.

strawberrypenguin · 05/08/2018 22:08

Tell your DH. You can't keep something like that from him. Imagine how hurt he'll be if he finds out from someone else that his brother said that too you and you didn't tell him

newmumwithquestions · 05/08/2018 22:08

My advice is not to tell your husband at this stage - had he been drinking and not have said this if sober?
If your dh knows, their relationship would be irreparably damaged. Not saying anything right now will spare your dh the hurt. However you need to tell bil that this is not reciprocated and you are now in an awful position because he has selfishly dumped this on you.
This ^^
I don’t see what is to be gained from telling your DH, at this stage anyway. Your BIL is going through a life changing event. What he’s done is silly and unfair on you but I’m not sure that it’s fair to dump it on your DH either.
He might be in love with you, or if his marriage has never been it good it might be that he wants the relationship his brother has with you and is confusing that with feelings for you.
Either way I’d tell him to back off and see what happens.

haribosmarties · 05/08/2018 22:10

I dont think you should tell your husband.
I think it should come from the BIL if anyone is to tell your husband.
I think you should tell the BIL you are sorry but you are happy in your marriage and that maybe his feelings have just arisen because he is unhappy in his.
Tell him that you will have to tell your husband unless he tells your husband about it.
That gives him a chance to have that convo with your husband and hopefully it wont as badly effect the relationship between the brothers if he does that.

Racecardriver · 05/08/2018 22:12

What kind of dick says that to his brothers wife?

haribosmarties · 05/08/2018 22:13

I do agree that you shouldnt lie to or keep things that important from your husband... but like I said I do think it would be better coming from the BIL himself so give him a chance to do that... it would be sad for the brothers to ruin their relationship. BIL might just be going a bit loops at the moment as his life is falling apart a bit... so I do think it would be kind to give him the chance to tell your husband himself what happened

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