BIL says he's in love with me

[jollyhockey101]

Quite shellshocked and need advice.

Last night my brother-in-law told me he's in love with me, has been for a decade, and his marriage is breaking down.

We've always got on very well on nights out, holidays, boozy weekends away etc. But when stone cold sober, he struggles to make eye contact with me and clams up completely.

He's my DH's brother and older by several years. Myself and DH frequently talk about how strained we feel BIL's marriage is and can't quite understand why they are together (they are quite a mismatch)

I haven't told my DH as I'm not sure how he's going to react. Equally, I'm not comfortable keeping this from him. I also don't know what to say to BIL when I next see him.

You'll have to tell him. It's not fair that BIL has done this to you but it's also not fair that you should keep this from your husband. It won't be nice but you should tell your DH. Good luck!

Tell your OH right now! If you delay then he will want to know why when it all comes out: and why indeed? He is your partner and he needs to know; and you need to tell him or it will play on your mind - and you cannot keep this from him. You are a team.

You have to tackle this unfortunate problem together as a partnership - I would not dream of not telling my OH something like this. Please work together on this.

How old is this man? He has the emotional maturity of a thirteen year old. In love with you? He sees you glammed up and at your sociable best and thinks that's the whole person? He wishes his wife was more like you, as if she were some doll you could accessorise to make it into a new character, instead of treating her as a real, whole person in her own right, deserving of his respect. And then he moves in on his brother's wife.

That's about as creepy and childish and seedy as it gets. Up to you whether you tell DH or not, but definitely tell him to grow up.

Tell your brother in law you are not interested and he must not mention it again but for goodness sake don't tell anyone else, it could cause all sorts of trouble and this might just blow over.

I agree that you should consider telling your DH.

I'd drop it in lightly. Something like ' he's a funny one your brother when he's had a few.....he was banging on about how much he loved me and how much he wishes his wife was like me etc.....o think it's because he's so unhappy right now but it sis make me feel like I don't want to be left alone with him'

Don't be left alone with BIL tho. Just give him a wide berth, communicate on WhatsApp groups only etc.

I wouldn't tell dh - a stupid drunken comment that he already regrets - his marriage is breaking down he needs his brother's support - if you tell dh this could have huge repercussions.

I would however tell bil in no uncertain terms what you think about his comments

*I agree that you should consider telling your DH.

I'd drop it in lightly. Something like ' he's a funny one your brother when he's had a few.....he was banging on about how much he loved me and how much he wishes his wife was like me etc.....o think it's because he's so unhappy right now but it sis make me feel like I don't want to be left alone with him' *

Damn, you took the words right out of my mouth!

Sarah Lou yours would have been better written and definitely no typos!

You post you tell DH everything, not comfortable not doing so. There’s your answer.

Another vote for a lighthearted “your DB is so ridiculous when he’s drunk, he said he loves me, it was soo embarrassing”. To DH.

People do get a bit that way when drunk “your my best friend I love you”.

Avoid being alone with him and pretend it never happened with him and wife. But don’t keep secrets from your husband. Bad idea.

@Racecardriver

What kind of dick says that to his brothers wife?

One that confused friendship with love. Happens quite a lot actually, because guys are culturally discouraged from relying on emotional support from people other than their gf/partner/wife.

qz.com/quartzy/1265765/ezra-klein-explains-why-men-are-so-bad-at-friendship/

Personally i wouldn't tell my husband. Why? For what? So their relationship is forever ruined? Pointless. I would make it clear you are not and never will be interested and move on.
It will blow over, he will meet someone nice and this will be forgotten. Life is messy and people dont always behave. Don't blow it out of proportion.

I would tell your dh.

Very much agree with those saying tell him I'm a casual way. I'm going to massively play it down and just say oh god BIL was telling me about his marriage the other night and slowly add in the other silly comments. The only annoying thing now is that I've kept this info for 24 hours so it looks more like a secret. I should've told him really casually on Sunday morning when we were talking about our night

You were thrown by this - it wasn't wrong to take a bit of time and consider what to do for the best.

That doesn’t sound as bad. Don’t downplay, just be neutral. ‘Ok, I think I’ve got to the bottom of why bil has been so off with you recently, and its not pretty. I’m afraid I am going to need to step back from socialising with him.’ And then tell him word for word.

I would phrase it to your DH as in I think I know why your brother has been aggressive towards you recently he let slip last night that he is jealous of our relationship and that combined with the breakdown of his is causing these feelings.

True but less dramatic.

I'm in two minds.
On the one hand, it was unfair of your BIL to put that on you and of course very wrong and disloyal to your DH. Also your DH would definitely rather know the truth.
However, this will probably destroy their relationship and I'm not sure what will be gained

You’re still good... you just say you were a bit WTF and wasn’t sure if you he was joking but once you slept on it, it was obviously a joke and now you can laugh about how drunk he must’ve been.

Your husband can then go down the ... in drunken slip ups there’s an ounce of truth or guilt route if he wants to or brush it off.

24 hours is reasonable. 48 hours is reasonable. Any more and there is then a romantic understanding between you and BIL which your DH is not party to. You MUST tell him. And don’t downplay it either. Give him the unvarnished facts and you can decide as a couple how you both want to deal with it. Say to him “something weird happened yesterday which I have to tell you about. And then just say exactly what was said”. If he asks why you didn’t tell him straight away, tell him this IS telling him straight away.

It might escalate both ways, telling might mean ill feeling between brothers but it sounds like that is happening anyway.

Not telling DH is bad because if he gets really stalky & aggressive or worse with OP & it comes out later, there is also a loss of trust in the marriage.

Of course you should say something. Your bloody BIL has put you in an awkward situation which it totally unfair. You don’t owe him anything and keeping this from your DH could blow up in your face.

Many years ago I was around 2 months pregnant and obviously not drinking. Went to a family nye party, most people were quite drunk by midnight. Did the usual celebration and pecks on the cheek except my bil who decided to try and put his tongue in my mouth. Told my dh when we got home and discussed it again in the morning. Decided it was because he was pretty pi**ed and we left it there. Nothing ever happened again.