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Original poster

MIL pretending newborn is hers

97 replies

pinksmarty · 19/07/2018 20:33

My DS is 5 weeks old. MIL is lovely but can be overbearing. Before DS was born she acted like he was hers, referring to him as "her" baby on Facebook, making 'jokes' about how she will be the favourite nana etc. I was dreading giving birth, having visions of her snatching him off me etc but she was actually okay. She did ask if she could babysit him for a few hours on the following thursday after he was born as we left the hospital but said it was fine if i didnt feel ready and mentioned that she didnt let her DH take her babies out for the first 6 months Confused

It feels like she only wants to see DS if she can take him out and show him off, she never comes to our house to see him. Reluctantly, Ive let her take him out for an hour or two when he was 4 days old then again at 3 weeks old. She told my DP she feels she doesnt have enough alone time with DS last week. Wtf? he is 5 weeks old!

Anyway, when she took him to a cafe my friend works at. My friend told me today she saw MIL, who was telling some elderly ladies that my son was hers!! Now, she could have been joking but my friend overheard her describing her labour and birth with him. This has really creeped me out Hmm DP insists she was most likely joking but with her other behaviour/comments I feel really uncomfortable letting her take him out again. Whenever I say no to her or an excuse why not she ignores me then cries to DP. I just dont know what to do!! AIBU or is she acting really odd? Or am I the one over reacting?

OP posts:
BlackandWhitePostcards · 19/07/2018 21:22

speaking from experience, you need to nip this in the bud right now. She doesn’t get to take him out alone anymore. Your dp needs to back you up, how dare she say that she doesn’t have enough alone time with him, she’s a grandparent, she doesn’t need alone time. He’s YOUR baby and he’s still so young. It isn’t normal for her to be taking him out without you at this age so don’t let her make you feel that it is.
I had the exact same thing happen to me when my dd was a baby and I wish I’d had mumsnet then, to tell me that it wasn’t normal and it wasn’t okay. I didn’t nip it in the bud. I was weak and tired and it was easier to just let her get on with it. But it got worse. She became controlling and possessive and obsessive. Stalking the house and demanding to see dd, crying when I said that she couldn’t. Calling late at night wanting to take her. I had an absolute nightmare (her son was my ex and no help at all).

Foodylicious · 19/07/2018 21:22

It might be hard, but I think you need yo consider letting her know what you have been told

"MIL, I'm not sure how to say This, but X has said you were overheard telling Y that baby is yours and you then described the labour to them" And whilst maintaining complete eye contact "surely this can't be right? Can you tell me what the conversation was about?"

And just watch her reaction. That should tell you enough.

But yes, baby not out anywhere without you in the future

SleepWarrior · 19/07/2018 21:22

You might as well tell her the reason you don't want her to have time alone with your baby.

For one, it stops the issue festering and addresses it head on. If you ignore it now, it'll be no different when he's 1, 2 etc. You don't want to be just making excuses forever - it'll drive you crazy bottling up the real reasons.

Secondly, telling her outright lets her know she's overstepped the mark and that you aren't someone who will just lie down and take it. It gives her the chance to re-think her behaviour and potentially have a decent relationship with you and her grandson. She might not, but it's the only chance. Nip it in the bud now. It's a slightly uncomfortable and embarrassing conversation in the now but the best chance for pleasant family time in the future.

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thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 19/07/2018 21:23

Chiming in with everyone else that she doesn’t need time alone with your baby.

My DM was similar with my eldest - she’d take him to her house, change him out of his clothes into my brother’s old baby clothes she’d hoarded and would call my DS my brother’s name. When I pulled her up on this she’d have plausible reasons like he got a stain on his clothes (when I got suspicious I would check and they were clean or only had a tiny stain) and the name thing was just habit Hmm. We were naive, quite young (I think like your MIL she didn’t respect me as a parent to my own child) he was my first and I didn’t have mumsnet in my life then so learnt about boundaries the hard way. Don’t be me, nip this in the bud now.

TillyMint81 · 19/07/2018 21:23

Sorry op just seen you aren't bfing. It is so handy to use as an excuse!
How are you feeling apart from odd mil? X

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 19/07/2018 21:23

Serious whack job

Pepvixen · 19/07/2018 21:27

Agreed with everyone else. She is way overstepping and sounds deranged. Just say no more alone time with the baby. It's perfectly normal to have him with you all the time at this stage.

DidimusStench · 19/07/2018 21:28

*"MIL, I'm not sure how to say This, but X has said you were overheard telling Y that baby is yours and you then described the labour to them" And whilst maintaining complete eye contact "surely this can't be right? Can you tell me what the conversation was about?"

And just watch her reaction. That should tell you enough.*

I agree that would be the best way to approach this.

I’d be very wary of her around my kids now and probably a bit worried about the state of her MH to be honest.

Topseyt · 19/07/2018 21:28

I would actually be very blunt and tell her that her conversation in the cafe was overheard and has been reported to you, and that you are seriously unhappy about it, so can she explain please? I wouldn't tell her who the source was, but I would tell her that it means you will no longer let her take the baby out. She will squirm.

Don't give in to her. So what if she cries. This is your baby, NOT hers, and she has seriously crossed a boundary here.

byanyothernamerose · 19/07/2018 21:30

Baby would no longer be left alone with her, that does not sound right at all and your son is far too young. You poor thing having to deal with this....

SharpLily · 19/07/2018 21:31

Are you serious, @XingMing?

your MIL may just be having a broody burst. She is far from being too old to have another, and may feel too young to want to be granny with the support stockings.

Even if that is the case, pretending to have given birth to her own grandchild is still pretty loony and definitely not on. There's no excuse.

SharpLily · 19/07/2018 21:31

Bold fail!

TheBigFatMermaid · 19/07/2018 21:34

I am a fairly young Gran, have DCs age 11 and 12, as well as DD who has two young DCs of her own.

I was so over having babies by the time my GC came along.

I think this woman is younger than me though, and maybe struggling with approaching menopause, being a young grandmother and basically going up the family tree...

Nothing that would explain this bonkers behaviour though, really.

Just say no. If it were me, I would be direct and say 'I have been reliably informed that you were claiming my baby is yours, even going so far as to describe the birth, so you will not be having them alone'. That is not the route for everyone though, I get that. If not, just keep firmly declining.

SirVixofVixHall · 19/07/2018 21:38

I had my first baby at her age. So she could fit in a couple more if she wanted to....
I think making choices based on an overheard conversation isn’t very sensible. In a noisy cafe your friend might have overheard her talking about her own child, and misunderstood, so I think you need a bit more proof than that to assume she is pretending her Grandson is her son.
Maybe saying he’s her grandson makes her feel ancient ? She’s extremely young to be a Grandmother. Could be a totally harmless lie because she’s embarrassed about being a grandmother, I know someone who was a grandmother at 49 and who found it a bit of a struggle to get her head round. No point in making this into a huge thing without knowing the truth.

Anonnymouse54321 · 19/07/2018 21:41

YANBU. That's not normal at all. I'd be stopping these trips out and just say you feel he is too young and you aren't comfortable with it. Don't let her argue back or keep asking. Just say you want to enjoy your time with your baby.

Original poster
pinksmarty · 19/07/2018 21:42

@TillyMint81 Still a bit upset that Im not breastfeeding, I really wanted to! but absolutely LOVING being a mum, its amazing. The most stressful few weeks (esp with MIL lol) but what an amazing experience it has been.

Thanks for everyones comments, Dp has text her asking about the cafe situation saying his friend overheard it. no reply yet.

OP posts:
XingMing · 19/07/2018 21:43

I agree that she's deluding herself and trying to fake it; nothing (that we know) biologically to stop her having another of her own though. Seriously, though, is she pretending to strangers or to friends and acquaintances? She may be bonkers, but she's going to be a part of this family's life for another 40 or 50 years. It needs straightening out before she builds a second life for herself with new baby.

Personally, it's disputed territory because having a child too young (before you're 30 in our family) has always been a bone of contention, or it has been since the 1950s. But that was us.

AlbertaSimmons · 19/07/2018 21:43

I think you need to call her out on it, but framed in such a way that it is concern for her MH. If it is true as reported, then she needs help to let go of her issues. Alternatively, at 41, she could have a baby of her own.

Original poster
pinksmarty · 19/07/2018 21:45

She recently split from her husband (Dont know why but DP mentioned his dad having the snip but Mum still wanting kids) maybe that says it all really.

Going to try get DP to have a quiet word with her too for her own good Blush

OP posts:
SharronNeedles · 19/07/2018 21:46

Call her out but do not reveal how you know. She'll get the impression that you have eyes and ears everywhere.
I'd also be genuinely concerned for her MH. Do you know if she has suffered a loss at all?

ItsNachoCheese · 19/07/2018 21:48

She sounds creepy af! I would be going very low contact with her

XingMing · 19/07/2018 21:50

PinkSmarty, your last post probably says everything that should be said about her feelings. How you sort it is another matter. Good luck, and please be as kind as you can.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/07/2018 21:51

Honestly? I would confront her. If all what you have said is true, you would be mad not to.

Original poster
pinksmarty · 19/07/2018 21:54

I dont know if shes suffered a loss. She was very caring with me when I had a miscarriage before DS. DP is going to speak to her as i think she will take it better from him

OP posts:
3luckystars · 19/07/2018 21:54

Buy a sling and put the baby into it.

Anytime she asks for the baby just say no he is happy with you. Who cares what she says or does.

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