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Original poster

Husband wants me to abort or he'll leave

75 replies

PensiveMum · 13/04/2018 12:14

Hi everyone. I'm new here but I'd really like some advice if you wouldn't mind sharing your thoughts.

My husband and I recently found out that we're pregnant and he asked me to have an abortion. In fact, before I even took the test he told me that he's not ready for another child right now (we have a 2yo) and he started paving the way to that that essentially if I didn't get an abortion our relationship will be done.

I feel so betrayed. While the pregnancy wasn't planned, we are fortunate enough to be in a position where we can provide for a second child. I feel like he should have been more cautious to prevent this from happening if he felt this way, but because that wasn't the case, I must now pay what I consider to be 'the price . He knows how I feel about abortions and he's always led me to believe its something he'll never ask of me, now this.

I feel stuck because if I proceed with the pregnancy and he stays with me, it will really be out of a sense of obligation rather desire, in which case I would rather be alone. I know he won't leave because he won't want to look like 'the bad guy' leaving his pregnant wife, at the same time all he does it blame me for this and tell me how he feels trapped in the life we've built together, and I'm sick and tired of his negativity.

I'm thinking of asking him to leave and braving this alone. Please, will you share your thoughts on this situation. Someone told me to just ignore him and that he will get over it, but I disagree. I like to deal with things head on and I wanna move on with all of this.

Thanx mums!

OP posts:
FreshPacket · 13/04/2018 12:17

Never aboard for a man. Ever.

The chances are, if he threatens divorce to get his own way, then this won't be the last time.

My guess is if he will leave then he will leave. The question you need to ask yourself is how you'll feel without him, having aborted the baby you wanted to keep.

There is a change he will come around too. It's not the first time I've heard it on Mumsnet. I wouldn't hold it for it though.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I hope you find the strength you need Thanks

FreshPacket · 13/04/2018 12:17

Never ABORT for a man.

You can go abroad for them if you like Confused

NutellaFitzgerald · 13/04/2018 12:18

My mum was put in this position except she had two children already.

She did as he wanted and regrets it (Not saying you would or that it is universal. But she does). She became pregnant again a year later (ffs dad!) and she told him in no uncertain terms she was keeping this one. My sister was born. Then my mum gave him an ultimatum: get a vasectomy or fuck off.

He got the vasectomy but the marriage was already doomed.

Sounds to me that if he can actually tell you he is leaving if you don't do what he wants then your marriage is already in serious trouble.

pallisers · 13/04/2018 12:19

In this situation his reaction has already pretty much doomed your relationship. Sorry. If he sat and talked to you about how he felt, then that is one thing but taking no responsibility and issuing an ultimatum about something that will affect you far more than him ... not good.

Also he said he is feeling trapped in his life - why would the absence of another child change that. He may well be planning on leaving anyway.

I would tell him to leave in your situation. If only to re-gain some control of the decision. Say you will not be given an ultimatum about your own health decisions and it is better he goes now if he is feeling trapped and unhappy in his life. Then make the decision you want about your body, knowing what you know about his opinion. If he decides he wants back in, you can make a decision about that too.

NapQueen · 13/04/2018 12:20

Id pack him a bag. "I am not aborting. Here are your things".

I could not stay with my husband if he gave me this ultimatum.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 13/04/2018 12:20

Whether you keep the baby or not, you need to get rid of your husband who sounds like a complete dickhead.

The decision on abortion should be based 100% on what you want. X

NukaColaGirl · 13/04/2018 12:20

A woman should only ever have an abortion if SHE wants one. Do not put yourself through an abortion if you want to continue the pregnancy.

PutTheChocEggDown · 13/04/2018 12:23

What everyone else said. In this case if I wanted the baby I would tell my husband to go fuck himself.

TooTrueToBeGood · 13/04/2018 12:24

Tell him not to let the door hit his arse on the way out. Any man who tries to coerce his partner is beneath contempt IMO.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 13/04/2018 12:24

To use a well known mn saying -off you fuck then cuntychops. And remind him it wasn't an immaculate conception.

Quartz2208 · 13/04/2018 12:25

You are not stuck you know what you want to do and you are not unreasonable to do so

DameSylvieKrin · 13/04/2018 12:25

Leave him anyway and then decide whether to continue the pregnancy. Anyone who would give you an ultimatum like that will be a waste of space for the tough times in life.

TheMythicalChicken · 13/04/2018 12:28

“Bye then, close the door on your way out.”

wineandcheeseplease · 13/04/2018 12:30

I'd pack his bag and wave goodbye

Raven88 · 13/04/2018 12:30

I would abort my husband if he ever asked me that.

Bumpitybumper · 13/04/2018 12:31

It sounds like you haven't really had this discussion until it was too late and you were already pregnant. I may be reading between the lines incorrectly but when you said he should have done more to prevent you becoming pregnant if he was that bothered, it made me think maybe you were quite keen to fall pregnant and took his slack attitude to contraception as evidence that he was happy for you to be pregnant too? Apologies if I'm completely wrong! If I'm right then I do think you've been a bit naive and definitely should have had the conversation earlier (possibly keeping it an ongoing conversation) so you both knew where you stood.

What's done is done done though and now you both need to move forward. I think you need to tell him straight out that an abortion isn't up for discussion so he needs to think long and hard about whether he is willing to commit to a supportive, loving relationship with you. If he can't get over the negativity he feels and is incapable of providing support to you then I would seriously think about going it alone. It will be too stressful environment to be pregnant in and to bring a newborn baby home to.

One thing I would suggest you definitely DON'T do is assume that he will get over his concerns and grow to love the baby. This may happen, but equally may not, and I think you need to make sure you are both communicating super clearly to avoid any further misunderstandings.

Luckingfovely · 13/04/2018 12:31

I agree completely with all pp - he is cruel and callous and has effectively doomed your relationship. How dare he! This is his responsibility too. So sorry you find yourself in this situation Thanks

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/04/2018 12:32

You must be devastated by his appalling reaction. Talk about being let down in the worst possible way by the one person you’re meant to be able to rely on whatever life throws at you. I’m so sorry OP Flowers

If you want this baby then you have to tell him it’s not up for discussion and he can fuck off for trying to blackmail you. What a bastard.

I agree with others that whatever happens now your marriage is all but over. I couldn’t forgive him or stay married to him.

QueenofSerene · 13/04/2018 12:33

“On your bike then” would be my response. Any husband who offers ultimatums is not a husband worth keeping regardless of what you decide to do with your body. It takes two to make a baby, he can get fucked!

TheHobbitMum · 13/04/2018 12:35

Your marriage is already doomed OP, if you abort you'll hate/resent him but if you keep the baby you'll know he doesn't want baby and he'll resent you. Tell him to pack his bags and go

AnyFucker · 13/04/2018 12:36

Marriage over surely, whether you keep the baby or not

I am sure this is not the first example of him being a complete cock.

SomeKnobend · 13/04/2018 12:40

I would assume he will leave anyway, he just wants to manipulate you into an abortion first. Him feeling "trapped" is a cruel thing to say - he is no more trapped with a second child than he would be with the one already here. Trapped means I want to leave. I wouldn't be making ANY decisions based on him at this point. Do what is right for you.

PalePinkSwan · 13/04/2018 12:43

I’d tell him to leave. Even if you do as he wants, it’s going to poison your relationship as you’re doing it under pressure from him.
So either way the relationship is done.

WorkingBling · 13/04/2018 12:47

While I DO believe the man has the right to an opinion, ultimately it's your choice and in this case, I think you have to stand firm. The fact that he's referring to being trapped means that one child or two, those feelings are unlikely to go away. Like pp have said, I think the chances are your marriage is already doomed. I'm sorry. You also say you are sick and tired of his negativity, which suggests this attitude is longer term and not directly related to the second child. Again, therefore having an abortion is unlikely to change his thinking.

I knew someone whose husband has severe mental health issues. He wanted her to abort. In that context, she seriously considered it but ultimately decided she wasn't willing. It was her choice... and even in the depth of his own ill health, he accepted that. Your husband has gone far beyond expressing an opinion and a concern to giving you an ultimatum AND to trying to blame you and the baby (and perhaps your existing child) for him feeling unhappy. Aborting this child will not in any way mitigate those feelings and will simply leave you resentful and unhappy.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

expatinscotland · 13/04/2018 12:47

NEVER have an abortion for a man or for any reason other than you want one.

'I'm not having an abortion. It's not up for discussion. If that means you'll leave, go then.'

People who do this are cowardly pieces of shit.