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Original poster

Husband wants me to abort or he'll leave

75 replies

PensiveMum · 13/04/2018 12:14

Hi everyone. I'm new here but I'd really like some advice if you wouldn't mind sharing your thoughts.

My husband and I recently found out that we're pregnant and he asked me to have an abortion. In fact, before I even took the test he told me that he's not ready for another child right now (we have a 2yo) and he started paving the way to that that essentially if I didn't get an abortion our relationship will be done.

I feel so betrayed. While the pregnancy wasn't planned, we are fortunate enough to be in a position where we can provide for a second child. I feel like he should have been more cautious to prevent this from happening if he felt this way, but because that wasn't the case, I must now pay what I consider to be 'the price . He knows how I feel about abortions and he's always led me to believe its something he'll never ask of me, now this.

I feel stuck because if I proceed with the pregnancy and he stays with me, it will really be out of a sense of obligation rather desire, in which case I would rather be alone. I know he won't leave because he won't want to look like 'the bad guy' leaving his pregnant wife, at the same time all he does it blame me for this and tell me how he feels trapped in the life we've built together, and I'm sick and tired of his negativity.

I'm thinking of asking him to leave and braving this alone. Please, will you share your thoughts on this situation. Someone told me to just ignore him and that he will get over it, but I disagree. I like to deal with things head on and I wanna move on with all of this.

Thanx mums!

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 13/04/2018 12:47

In this situation, if I did not want an abortion I would have to ask him to leave. He's going to sooner or later would be my bet. Better not to let the grass grow.

Weezol · 13/04/2018 12:47

The fact he is happy to issue threats like this is reason enough to wave him off with both fingers whatever you decide to do about the pregnancy.

honeysucklejasmine · 13/04/2018 12:49

It's over. Off he fucks.

Never have an abortion for anyone other than yourself.

halfwitpicker · 13/04/2018 12:50

I'd just point to the door to be honest.

What a waste of space.

Original poster
PensiveMum · 13/04/2018 12:52

Thank you mums. I feel so alone and the fact you're taking the time to reply really means a lot.

I told him I wasn't going to have an abortion on the day, and reiterated that when I spoke to him again this morning to see if maybe he'd changed his outlook (which he hasn't) Although he's now claiming that he never said he would leave rather that he 'fears we wouldn't make it'. He's trying to back peddle because he knows I'm going to keep the baby. That being said I feel like the damage has already been done. It's for this reason that I think I want to ask him to leave.

@FreshPacket- I'm scared to go it alone, but I think I'll be happy in the long run because I won't have to deal with his emotional baggage about all of this, and I can be more positive.

@NutellaFitzgerald- I asked him why he didn't get a vasectomy and he said it's because he felt he's too young and he didn't want to crush my hopes because he knows I want a second child at some point. At the same time I think this is more crushing though to be honest. To find we're pregnant and have him want me to abort and him leave because he doesn't feel like it right now.

@Pallisiers- I feel like he's pulled the rug from under my feet. Our marriage was already on the rocks before this, yes, but nothing I thought we couldn't work through.

I thought that with our union there'd be security etc. meanwhile he's taken his ring off and threatened to walk out on me three times for frivolous things, and we haven't even been married three years! I try and rely on him less and less emotionally because he tries to use that as a way to control me. I wonder if I'm an idiot for having married him in the first place, or if all relationships are like this.

He proposed a couple of times and took it back, then went travelling for a year and a half after we got engaged (instead of three months) then called off our wedding a month before we married, before flying back and begging me to marry him. Everything with him is always a massive mess, and I'm tired of it and don't think this kind of instability is good for the children. My heart is getting colder over time. :(

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/04/2018 12:52

Echoing everyone else. Your relationship is over already. Keep the baby, lose the husband.

Idontdowindows · 13/04/2018 12:53

Yeah, going to add another "that marriage was over before it started".

You will have 2 lovely children, concentrate on making life good for them, and chuck the arsehole out.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/04/2018 12:54

Cross-posted. All relationships are not like this. You and your children are worth much more

ReanimatedSGB · 13/04/2018 12:55

Get some financial/legal advice, then tell him to leave. Life as a single parent may be hard, but it's always better than life with an unsatisfactory man you have to cook and clean for, and have sex with to keep sweet, and whose criticism and moaning and bullying you have to put up with.

expatinscotland · 13/04/2018 12:56

Tell him to leave. The poster who said this isn't the first time he's acted like a cock is right.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/04/2018 12:58

Oh FFS, x-post. Reinforces what I said - dump him and move on. Have you friends and family nearby to help with childcare etc? A job, or a skillset that will help you get a job?

He's probably one of those who will fuck right off, pay minimum maintenance and never be arsed to see the DC (which is better than one who uses the DC as a way of punishing and harassing you, though not much) but you'll feel better when you don't have to worry about his arseholery any more.

Luckingfovely · 13/04/2018 12:59

Oh Pensive everything you said in your last post just highlights what an utter idiot he is.

This does not sound like a healthy marriage, even before his vile attitude to this pregnancy. It really does sound like you would be much better off on your own. I wish you strength.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 13/04/2018 13:00

If you want to keep the baby, then keep it. By the sounds of it you'll probably do better alone anyway. Only you can say but you may find it is for the best to ask him thoroughly assess whether he wants properly into the marriage and family and to leave until he's reached his conclusion. Don't do this if you're hoping he will come back though, only do it if you're prepared for it to be over.

My xH pulled this btw, and though I did ultimately make the choice to abort (there were other factors but his pressure was the major one) our marriage was essentially over after that point.

KatnissMellark · 13/04/2018 13:00

Oh. My. God. Get rid OP. You sound lovely and sensible and normal. He sounds like a total fuckwit!

aprilanne · 13/04/2018 13:00

pensive mum i am sorry you are going through this you and your children will be fine .he sounds like a bloody big baby himself .2 choices he either grows up or he can get lost
.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 13/04/2018 13:03

Keep the baby.
Ditch the dh.
You won't ever feel the same for him of you have an abortion - and he has no real commitment to your marriage given the instances of sheer twatism you have described.
Pack his stuff, enjoy your pregnancy and contact cms and a solicitor.

rainbowduck · 13/04/2018 13:03

Omg! I can't believe someone could treat their wife or mother of their child this way!

Point him to the door.

And don't abort if you don't want too. Ever.

Weezol · 13/04/2018 13:04

After your update you really do need him to leave. He sounds controlling and emotionally abusive.

rabbitrabbit12 · 13/04/2018 13:04

I'll tell you what will happen if you abort - it will eat you up and you will resent it, you'll split up and he will find another woman who will 'accidently on purpose' fall pregnant within a year and they will live happily ever after. If you keep going with pregnancy knowing his inexcusable attitude you will still split up but you'll be left a single and maybe a happier mum and he will still go off and have kids with another woman.... I've seen it happen numerous times including to myself.. these so called men are arseholes

BubblesAndSquarks · 13/04/2018 13:06

I would never have an abortion personally (though wouldn't judge someone else for having one I just personally wouldn't)

My DP knows this, we don't want any more children but if birth control failed he is aware that I wouldn't have an abortion and would never pressure me to even though neither of us would plan another.
He will check before getting into bed that I've taken the pill (I take it just before going to bed) so is taking responsibility that way however doesn't want to use a barrier method and is aware that the pill isn't 100%, as I would assume every man is. Your husband is being completely unreasonable.

I would consider whether if you had the abortion you would even want to stay with him. If I was persuaded into having one I think I would resent him so much it would change my whole opinion of the relationship.

NameChange30 · 13/04/2018 13:07

“He proposed a couple of times and took it back, then went travelling for a year and a half after we got engaged (instead of three months) then called off our wedding a month before we married, before flying back and begging me to marry him.”

Good God. Why on earth did you marry him after all that?! Confused

Your self esteem must be pretty low Flowers

I hope you tell him to leave and mean it.

bonnyshide · 13/04/2018 13:15

If you abort for the wrong reasons you will never recover.

Aborting for for a man is the writing my reason.

I don't think I could live a man who gave me an ultimatum like this, it would kill the relationship for me.

Topseyt · 13/04/2018 13:16

The more you write about him, the more of a fuckwit he sounds.

You would be better off without him.

Don't let him push you into an abortion that you would regret forever. Dump him instead, so that you don't have to live with his histrionics and melodrama anymore.

Lovemusic33 · 13/04/2018 13:16

I think what ever you chose to do your marriage is probably over (unless he changes his mind), if you aboart you will never forgive him, if you keep it he’s saying he won’t forgive you. So I would just tell him you are having it and are willing to do it alone.

halfwitpicker · 13/04/2018 13:18

threatened to walk out on me three times for frivolous things, and we haven't even been married three years!

And this was pre kids!

Try with two kids running riot. You're better off without him. He's a flake, basically.