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Original poster

Husband wants me to abort or he'll leave

75 replies

PensiveMum · 13/04/2018 12:14

Hi everyone. I'm new here but I'd really like some advice if you wouldn't mind sharing your thoughts.

My husband and I recently found out that we're pregnant and he asked me to have an abortion. In fact, before I even took the test he told me that he's not ready for another child right now (we have a 2yo) and he started paving the way to that that essentially if I didn't get an abortion our relationship will be done.

I feel so betrayed. While the pregnancy wasn't planned, we are fortunate enough to be in a position where we can provide for a second child. I feel like he should have been more cautious to prevent this from happening if he felt this way, but because that wasn't the case, I must now pay what I consider to be 'the price . He knows how I feel about abortions and he's always led me to believe its something he'll never ask of me, now this.

I feel stuck because if I proceed with the pregnancy and he stays with me, it will really be out of a sense of obligation rather desire, in which case I would rather be alone. I know he won't leave because he won't want to look like 'the bad guy' leaving his pregnant wife, at the same time all he does it blame me for this and tell me how he feels trapped in the life we've built together, and I'm sick and tired of his negativity.

I'm thinking of asking him to leave and braving this alone. Please, will you share your thoughts on this situation. Someone told me to just ignore him and that he will get over it, but I disagree. I like to deal with things head on and I wanna move on with all of this.

Thanx mums!

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/04/2018 13:18

I think you will be absolutely fine without him! What a horrible man.

AnyFucker · 13/04/2018 13:19

You made a massive mistake marrying this man. Huge.

Now is the time to put it right. Divorce him.

PoorYorick · 13/04/2018 13:23

He's an arsehole.

BareBum · 13/04/2018 13:24

He sounds very immature and selfish. Get rid.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/04/2018 13:25

Hand hold OP, let him go love, he'll never change.💐

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/04/2018 13:26

Your last post makes him sound incredibly manipulative and emotionally abusive. He would be doing you a favour if he left.

Viviennemary · 13/04/2018 13:27

I'd tell him to get out of my life. Horrible man.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 13/04/2018 13:27

What do you love about this man? He sounds awful. Please don't say he's a good dad because a decent father doesn't emotionally abuse his children's mother.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/04/2018 13:27

What an arsehole to think that abortion is an acceptable mode of contraception and way of manipulating his wife. Agree with the consensus to not abort. This is no way to live. He sounds vile. He’s making your life a misery.

timeisnotaline · 13/04/2018 13:30

All relationships are not like that! I can’t believe you married him after he so clearly demonstrated he’s not worth it. Any one of those incidents you listed deserved a permanent fuck off.

SomeKnobend · 13/04/2018 13:31

Wow, he's always been halfway out the door! Time to give him a shove and slam it shut. Arsehole through and through. No, relationships are not all like this at all, not by a long shot. You'll be better of without OP, at least you'll have some certainty and stability.

annandale · 13/04/2018 13:36

Ask him to leave and stick to it. Watching him flake about with your kids will be torture. He doesn't sound old enough to be married tbh.

Dobbythesockelf · 13/04/2018 13:37

Leave him being a single parent will be hard at times but much better than dealing with his bullshit. He sounds like he is always looking for a way out and I doubt this will ever change. You deserve better and so do your kids.

Winchester13 · 13/04/2018 13:41

If you want the baby please don’t abort. I did this when I was younger because my boyfriend didn’t want the baby and have always regretted it. Also it made me really resent him and we ended up breaking up

LJ17xx · 13/04/2018 13:47

He sounds horrible. Sorry you're in this situation. It sounds very controlling too. There shouldn't be an ultimatum. Do what you feel is right

corcaithecat · 13/04/2018 13:49

I had an abortion because he pressured me with 'I'm depressed and I'll kill myself if you go ahead'. Fucker still had an affair and then left.
Don't give in to blackmail because he'll still leave if he wants to.

Quartz2208 · 13/04/2018 13:57

Your relationship sounds tiring

Moxiebelle · 13/04/2018 14:13

He changes his mind at the drop of a hat over important things. It shows he has no regard for your feelings and is very selfish. If you went ahead with this abortion he would probably change his mind about that too and then try to blame you. Stand firm on what you believe and want in life. Is this sort of unpredictable, selfish man a good life partner and co-parent? You can't be blamed for making the mistake of trusting him not everyone has the life experience to realise that someone is not going to be a reliable person to fall in love with. So don't blame yourself but maybe it's time to move on from this relationship now you have learned his true nature and how likely he is to hurt you and the kids emotionally over the years.

rocketgirl22 · 13/04/2018 14:19

Once a man has issued this kind of ultimatum the marriage is already over. I am sorry you found out this way, but if he truly loved you he would never put you in such a terrible situation. Although it is understandable he does not want a child at this time he can not possibly force this on you.

The bigger question is: you are likely to be a single parent either way do you want to keep the baby? It is your choice.

I would ask him to leave whatever you decide.

pallisers · 13/04/2018 15:35

God he is a tiresome fool - what kind of a fool threatens to leave every time he has a strop (who has strops after age 16?).

you made a mistake marrying him but you can fix that.

He didn't have a vascectomy because he wanted to keep his options open if he ever met someone else. He isn't commited to you. Tell him to leave. You have already been disengaging emotionally. IF he is gone, you'll be amazed how much happier you feel.

WankbadgeringTurdblossom · 13/04/2018 16:08

Why on earth did you marry this idiot?

Your marriage is over, and a good thing too - he sounds like a complete cock, and that he was never that into you in the first place. Whether or not you have the baby, I hope you keep how he's treated you at the forefront of your mind long enough to divorce him and move on to better things.

I got accidentally pregnant within a couple of months of meeting my DD's father. He put enormous pressure on me to have an abortion (despite always refusing to wear a condom ). I had DD. The relationship limped on for a few years, but his anger at me 'forcing him into fatherhood' never went away. I fell pregnant again. He was furious; I remember him shouting at me that he knew I would refuse to have an abortion again and that I'd trapped him. I knew that I'd get no support from him, and that I was just barely coping ok with DD (I never intended to be a mother, had a history of depression and my 'relationship' was shit). I knew that DD would be the one to suffer if I had another child and couldn't cope, and that I couldn't count on him for anything. I decided to have an abortion, which at the time broke my heart. In the week before the appointment, I took abortifacient herbs in the hope of making it happen 'naturally'. He fucked off on a yoga retreat during that time - the worst time of my life - and I later found out he'd 'got close' to someone there.

The relationship limped on for another few months, but it was dead in the water from then on, all hope gone. I ended it, and I met my lovely DP around the time I would have been due. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but I have never regretted the abortion.

DD's dad did a fair bit of growing up, and turned into an incredibly doting father. A couple of years ago he apologised to me, told me that he regretted pushing me to have an abortion, and wishes that I hadn't ended the second pregnancy. Pillock.

If you don't feel that abortion is something that you could consider, then go ahead with the pregnancy and kick this manchild out of your life. There would also be nothing at all wrong with terminating this pregnancy and focusing on the child you've got, but please still kick the manchild out!!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Prisonhistory1 · 15/04/2018 05:37

He didn't want another child yet, so what about condoms and discussion about second child ? He is a child who cannot face up to responsibility to his wife or children.

TheKitchenWitch · 15/04/2018 06:20

I agee with everything except that I would be considering whether I want to have another child with someone like this tbh. What sort of relationship could he have with a baby that he wanted to abort? How would that affect the child you already have together?
I think he’s a knob and you’d be well shot of him but I personally don’t think I’d want to have more children with him.

Original poster

PensiveMum · 28/11/2024 00:04

It's been many years since I posted this. I didn't say so at the time but thank you so much for the support yoy showed me. I was in a dark place and while there I felt I had a community supporting me. I'm truly grateful.

In follow up to the above, I told him to leave and had the baby. He didn't leave and loves our second, a boy. Surprise surprise.

He apologised and said he panicked bla bla bla. I can't say I trust him the way I used to since that happened. I can never forget the way I was treated and to be honest, I'm really just focused on me and my kids now.

OP posts:

EvilsElsasPetSnowman · 28/11/2024 01:11

OP I’m so glad you have your lovely baby boy. It’s hard not to love a child when it’s right there in your arms. If you want to be with your OH I do think you need a way to move on and forgive him though. I bet he feels horrendous every day.

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