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Original poster

DAughter has a very unwanted admirer

101 replies

Daisydewdrops · 30/03/2018 20:36

My daughter came home from work today in a complete state. She’s been having issues for a few months with a customer who keeps paying her unwanted attention and compliments. He’s almost double her age and today went over board. He left her a bunch of flowers and a card at her work. The card had a note with his number and other info. She’s got security involved but she’s a wreck. Is there anything that could be done to help this situation ?

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 30/03/2018 22:27

Can people please stop saying that he may have special needs? Stalking is a crime, not a symptom, and people with additional needs could really do without that sort of mental association.

Also agree that the victim blaming is awful.

OP really sorry you've had to contend with that, in what must be upsetting and scary circumstances. I hope Suzy Lamplugh and the police are helpful and this is sorted swiftly.

Mellifera · 30/03/2018 22:41

My 19yo daughter had a stalker at uni last year, first year, first term. Fellow student on the same course.

She was very clear that she isn’t interested romantically (not interested in men at all), but he wouldn’t leave her alone.
Unwanted gifts, emails, texts. He had her contact details because it started innocently as a friendship during a lab session, but quickly went way beyond in his eyes.
She talked to him several times and sent him a clear email before christmas, to leave her alone, the same day he turned up backstage at a concert she was playing in with red roses. It freaked her out.

I told her to get Student Support involved, they took it very seriously, helped her formulate an email which clearly said no contact and she would go to the police if he contacted her again.
After that, 2 months of nothing, then another email “please explain why you don’t like me...”
Student Support involved the police who went round to his student accommodation and talked to him.
Since then he’s backed off.

I am still worried as she is hundreds of miles away at uni, but she knows to call 999 if he ever stalks her at her flat again (police have said that), her flatmates know what he looks like and are aware.

Absolutely get her to involve the police, they will take it seriously.

Petalflowers · 31/03/2018 19:31

Lyingwitch - that's a bit uncalled for. If my dcs need my help in their early twenties, then I hope they will be able to discuss it with me, and I can help them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/03/2018 21:14

Must I agree with the majority when I don't, Petalflowers? At no point have I suggested that the OP shouldn't help and support her child; however old the child gets they will always be her child.

I'm a mum myself and my job is to make my children independent and confident. I can stand right behind them and support and help them with anything that they come across, any trouble that they run into, but I wouldn't anticipate taking an active role in sorting these things out when they are adults. How on earth would they learn?

My post wasn't 'uncalled for', you just don't happen to agree with it. I'm ok with that.

Petalflowers · 31/03/2018 21:41

Lying -sorry, perhaps ‘uncalled for’ was a little strong.

I don’t think at anytime op said she wanted to step in, but is doing exactly want you (and I) would do, ie. standing behind them, supporting them and helping them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/03/2018 21:57

Petalflowers, I think it wasn't the OP who wanted to go in 'all guns blazing' it was other posters. I may have done Daisydewdrops a disservice there as it does sound as if she is cheerleading rather than marching in herself.

So, apologies, Daisydewdrops if you're still reading. I have form for that, replying to the OP but in respect of other posts. I'll check myself for that. Thanks Petalflowers for challenging me on it too.

It was some of the other posts that made me shudder. Infantilising children is what some parents (mothers!) do and it makes me wonder how those children will ever cope in the big wide world... and what possesses their parent to disable them like that.

Petalflowers · 31/03/2018 21:59

Lying -glad we have kissed and made up!

Supermagicsmile · 31/03/2018 22:00

Hope work was okay for her today.

uhohspagbowl · 31/03/2018 22:15

This happened to me 3 years ago, I work in retail and a much much older man (I was 20 at the time) kept coming in making sexual jokes, following me round the shop floor.
I started hiding in the fitting rooms and he came to the door threatening to drag me out.

Security in the store actually laughed at me and said he was harmless.

The man only stopped harassing me when he spotted me with my baby bump when I was 21.
He saw me in town after I'd given birth and tried to touch my babies face. My friend whisked us away sharpish.

Situations like this are very hard when your in them.

TimbuktuTimbuktu · 31/03/2018 22:27

No contact is always better. Every time you respond to stalkers in any way positive or negative it prolongs the stalking by 6 weeks.

You should buy your daughter a copy of The Gift of Fear and allow her to trust her instincts.

Weezol · 31/03/2018 22:32

She shouldn't be swapping her shifts around and making accomodations in her own life for him or appease him, she's the victim here.

Please, as many PPs have said, go to the police, this is not an unwanted admirer, he is a stalker.

Veterinari · 31/03/2018 22:37

Do not respond or contact him in any way - if you do even to tell him to back off you are rewarding him with a response - ignore.

Call the police. Stalking and harassment are criminal offences and potentially very dangerous behaviours. Check out
paladinservice.co.uk

For helpful advice and support

Original poster
Daisydewdrops · 01/04/2018 07:00

Quick update. She’s been given a reference number by the police and asked to log everything. The security at work found him on cctv and what’s concerned them is that he was quiet clearly watching the shop to see when she was left by her self. Also we now know that he’s older than me! He’s late 50’s! And lives locally. She’s keeping her head up but is incredible uncomfortable.

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 01/04/2018 07:28

I'm really glad she's gone to the Police, and thank goodness there are security around her that are aware. That's reassuring for both of you. Hopefully he will get the message now the Police are involved. Though what makes a man in his 50s think a young woman in her early 20s would want him for beggars belief..............

TimbuktuTimbuktu · 01/04/2018 07:43

I know someone said not to change her life around/swop her shifts. I would try to vary routine if possible. And make sure security are there when she leaves.

Do they know his name/address?

Petalflowers · 01/04/2018 08:45

Daisy - thank you for the update. I’m glad you have the police involved.

Weezol · 01/04/2018 11:03

Thank you for updating - I'm so glad the police are involved now. Hopefully he can be dealt with your daughter can get on with her her life.

Has the police taking this seriously helped your daughter see that she's not at any fault in this? She's done nothing wrong at all and it's really good that she's talked to you about this.

Ginkypig · 01/04/2018 11:28

I'm glad you the police and infact the security at her work are all taking this seriously.

I'm glad she has support in this.

I hope you do to daisy.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 01/04/2018 18:28

Glad police are involved
In case it helps anyone reading, men who just conveniently appear when you're alone have always been watching, the fucking asshats.

I think the fact that he's older is irrelevant - I'd be just as worried if he was 22. However in 50s I do wonder if he has form for this.

AdoraBell · 01/04/2018 20:40

So glad the police and security are taking it seriously.

Original poster
Daisydewdrops · 01/04/2018 20:53

It turns out one of our close friends knows of him and he apparently lives around the corner from her work which is worrying. The note was a5 and what was strange is that the first thing he put was that she is very attractive and that he knows about the age difference but that shouldn’t be an issue. She’s ordered a rape alarm to go in her bag today and she’s alright but just is constantly looking over her shoulder. I think your right that he may have form for this.

OP posts:
SpringNowPlease2018 · 01/04/2018 21:38

Daisy I think carrying it in a bag might be awkward, depends what kind it is

I have mine in my hand, it looks like a key ring. I don't have it all in my hand all the time, but I do if heading home late.

I live in a flat so I warned the neighbours before testing it.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 01/04/2018 21:40

Uktraspagbowl. Those "security" staff should be slapped sacked.

notapizzaeater · 01/04/2018 22:05

Can the police visit him and warn him off ?

PeonyTruffle · 01/04/2018 22:13

Glad the police are aware, I feel so sorry for your DD, she has done nothing wrong and shouldn’t have to live her life being scared of a man who’s taken an inappropriate and unwanted shine to her.

Hope it’s all sorted OP, you sound like a lovely mum