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Original poster

DAughter has a very unwanted admirer

101 replies

Daisydewdrops · 30/03/2018 20:36

My daughter came home from work today in a complete state. She’s been having issues for a few months with a customer who keeps paying her unwanted attention and compliments. He’s almost double her age and today went over board. He left her a bunch of flowers and a card at her work. The card had a note with his number and other info. She’s got security involved but she’s a wreck. Is there anything that could be done to help this situation ?

OP posts:
Inertia · 30/03/2018 21:34

If it’s in a shopping centre, her employer should be arranging for the centre’s security staff to be around very frequently when she’s on her own, or when she’s closing up /leaving.

Tartanwallpaper · 30/03/2018 21:34

I think all you can do is tell the police OP

GreenTulips · 30/03/2018 21:34

I had something similar with a man following me to work. My mum rang the police to report him and they secretly watched him. He was warned off.

It was difficult to deal with yourself whatever your age - get involved and speak up for her - she has enough to deal with and taking this away from her (the reporting) will help her.

JaneEyre70 · 30/03/2018 21:35

He's persistent, and that's what would worry me. I'd go to the Police station with her, let her deal with work and perhaps try and collect her for a while. As for people telling you to leave her to deal with it, WTF Confused. She's probably starting to freak out, not without reason.

EverlastingLove · 30/03/2018 21:35

Report it to the Police this is Harassment ! Especially if its affecting your daughters well being ,

The Police do take these cases very seriously , its an easy collar
once warned by Police if he continues , a molestation order can be placed on the offender , if he breaches the order he will be arrested

Inertia · 30/03/2018 21:35

If she has explicitly told him to leave her alone, then his continued attention could well constitute harassment.

perfectstorm · 30/03/2018 21:35

Definitely don't message back, agreed. She's told him she isn't interested before and he isn't hearing it, so more contact may be taken as encouragement.

The Suzy Lamplugh Trust run the National Stalking helpline. It hopefully will blow over, but I think they could offer really good advice on how best to handle this, to ensure he is managed optimally. And that may reassure and empower your daughter, too.

Quietlife1979 · 30/03/2018 21:36

Well if it was one of my girls I’d seriously be talking to her about informing the police and asking their advice.

There is no point in letting work deal with it because it’s in their best interests for it to go away.

It’s in your best interest to make sure your daughter is ok.

I had many encounters with horrible creeps when younger and some of them really needed to know that the police were involved but I was too nieve to know that some people were crossing the line.

I think they would take this seriously.

I would not hesitate if it was one of my girls

UpstartCrow · 30/03/2018 21:37

Your DD should not contact him, neither should anyone from your family.
She should wriote down everything tht has happened aas best she can remember, and contact the police.
She can also contact Paladin, who help people deal with stalkers.

www.google.co.uk/search?q=Paladin+stalker&oq=Paladin+stalker&aqs=chrome..69i57.2530j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

She should make a formal complaint about this person at work and ask her employer to ban them.

StorminaBcup · 30/03/2018 21:39

If she’s in work they will have it on tape. Ask your dd to record all instances of contact and visits to the store, and try and keep the tapes (is it her responsibility to change them?). Keep reporting to HR and contacting security to remove him from the store, this way she will have witnesses. The flowers and any other gifts should be left I store and disposed of by security or dealt with HR. Keep this as a work problem. Don’t contact him off a private number and don’t get involved from a personal stand point. Make it as unconvenient as possible for HR and security so they act on it. It is their duty to protect your daughter at work.

What a scary situation. Hope it is resolved soon Flowers

ijustwannadance · 30/03/2018 21:40

Does her workplace have cctv so she can get evidence of harassment?

If he comes in again the do need to ban him.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 30/03/2018 21:40

Def give number to police so they speak to him about harassment

Re being alone in shop, there are other shops around I think you said? She must buy a personal attack alarm, I have the kind where you pull on a drawstring and it goes off. The noise will alert people, it is much louder than a car or shop alarm but more importantly I hope it will put him off.

Bowerbird5 · 30/03/2018 21:41

He could have special needs and not understand.

Why shouldn't the Op ask for help. Her DD might not be very assertive.

OP I would tell her to make sure she isn't on her own locking up. If you can't meet her ensure someone else does. Her manager should deal with this. If it doesn't stop then the police should be involved as it then becomes harassment. A quiet word and if he has special needs they can ensue an appropriate adult can continue to explain eg. Social worker.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/03/2018 21:41

No contact with the alleged stalker,she must not contact
Keep note of all date and contacts he makes
Tell police and get a crime reference number

ScattyCharly · 30/03/2018 21:41

Police then.

Before calling write down as much as she can re what’s happened and roughly when. Even if it’s just “week commencing 19 Dec” for timescale. Harassment is criminal and this is what he’s doing.

ScattyCharly · 30/03/2018 21:42

For stalkers and the like, any contact is their oxygen. So don’t do that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/03/2018 21:42

I'm not saying that you shouldn't be right by her side, OP, just that she needs to be the one to put a stop to this - telling work how it makes her uncomfortable, etc. - ringing the police - or a combination - whatever it takes to get this stopped but she needs to be the one to do it.

Maybe I'm very much in the minority here but I can't understand why your daughter isn't standing up for herself here. I think she needs to be able to do that... she can have an army of supporter behind her but she needs to be the one.

Original poster
Daisydewdrops · 30/03/2018 21:46

They have cctv but it doesn’t record sound. She said she hadn’t seen him for a few days until today when he just appeared next to her with these ‘gifts’ and it’s always when she is alone. She going to ask work if they can change her hours around to try and help as well because she usually works the same days.

OP posts:
TheBrilliantMistake · 30/03/2018 21:49

Tell him no once and make it abundantly clear and that is upsets her.
If there is any repeat, then get the police involved.

The police will almost certainly advise to tell him no in the first instance.
Then they'll have a quiet word with him thereafter.

It doesn't become harassment/stalking (technically) until it's a repeated pattern of behaviour.

He's obviously overstepped the mark this time, and perhaps he'll be dreadfully embarrassed. I hope that's the case and that he can stop before the police are brought in.

Missingstreetlife · 30/03/2018 21:51

Why are people putting the responsibility on the victim. This is stalking. It's illegal because it escalates, and is dangerous, people (women mostly) get attacked. Call the police and Suzy lamplugh. Get the employer to provide adequate safe guards, they have duty of care.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/03/2018 22:00

Yes it is stalking it’s serious offence. Agree wholeheartedly missingstreet post

AdoraBell · 30/03/2018 22:01

Does the shop, and the centre, have CCTV?

I think that as he has been told by her and her boss to leave her alone she should now speak to the Police. It sounds like harassment to me and that is what I would say to the police.

Original poster
Daisydewdrops · 30/03/2018 22:06

Thank you for your advice and for the relevant names for her to contact. I’ll pass this onto her in the morning before she goes to work. She’s only managed to fall asleep not long ago bless her. And she has reported this to work and other people LyingWitchinthewardrobe. She has stood up for herself and has told him no however it doesn’t seem to be working. So surely you can understand why she’s scared and as her mum why I’m trying to find ways to help her and not make her feel like she’s done something wrong .

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/03/2018 22:09

I think you’re naturally looking out for your girl,she’s done nothing wrong here
I recommend Suzy lamplugh trust as good resource
Hope this resolves satisfactorily and that your daughter is ok.this is a horrid experience

Serin · 30/03/2018 22:14

A friend's DD had something similar a while back. In the end she contacted the Police who were fabulous and she has had no problems since.

I hope it gets sorted for her OP.