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Original poster

DAughter has a very unwanted admirer

101 replies

Daisydewdrops · 30/03/2018 20:36

My daughter came home from work today in a complete state. She’s been having issues for a few months with a customer who keeps paying her unwanted attention and compliments. He’s almost double her age and today went over board. He left her a bunch of flowers and a card at her work. The card had a note with his number and other info. She’s got security involved but she’s a wreck. Is there anything that could be done to help this situation ?

OP posts:
Nyancat · 30/03/2018 21:10

I'd get her to send him a message from your phone, not hers, so he doesn't have her number telling him to leave her alone, he doesn't need to know it's not her phone. If he keeps texting you can take messages to the police but she isn't having to deal with them coming through to her phone.

Original poster
Daisydewdrops · 30/03/2018 21:10

She came home in December after closing one night and told me that he’d been into the store and just stood there staring at her saying she had nice eyes repeatedly even when she asked him to leave. I’ll get her to write everything down but will the police be able to do anything when most of it is via face to face contact ?

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 30/03/2018 21:12

She needs to speak to HR and formalise her concerns to ensure they give adequate support. They should have a process they can follow to ensure she isn't alone or/and the customer is directed to a dedicated staff member and hence isn't able to contact your DD.

MeanTangerine · 30/03/2018 21:13

It's unlikely they can secure any kind of conviction, but they certainly can go round and talk to him. They can explain to him - patiently and clearly - that however nicely he meant it, he has got to stop. The uniform carries a lot of authority.

untoldstories · 30/03/2018 21:14

I don't think she should contact him at all, I would blank him completely, her work are aware and should be telling him to stay away and the Police should be told, they can visit him and tell him to back off.

Original poster
Daisydewdrops · 30/03/2018 21:15

He’s been told to stay away from her and that it is not appropriate and is unwelcomed. If he continues he will be banned from the shopping centre, her manager is going to deal with it tomorrow when she is back at work. I’m just worried about her closing up in case he appears. She said it’s been building a bit like an infatuation but she’s been ignoring it because she doesn’t want it to impact her work or to feel like she has to hide away. However today was too much, she looked like she had seen a ghost excuse the expression but I’ve never seen her so shaky or quiet like this .

OP posts:
untoldstories · 30/03/2018 21:19

How does she leave work, does she drive and have to collect her car from a car park?
Would her work let her leave work early or be able to have someone walk with her to her car?
I bet she's upset by it, the Police need to go to his home and warn him off.

eggsandwich · 30/03/2018 21:19

Can I ask how she gets to and from work, is it by car, bus or walk? it would be best for the time being some one was with her outside her work premises just in case he’s around.

RapunzelIsHere · 30/03/2018 21:19

How old is she? This needs reporting. This person shouldn’t be able to affect her work.

Tartanwallpaper · 30/03/2018 21:22

I work in a public facing role and have done for years. If she's already told him she's not interested then don't text - he knows. He is taking advantage of the fact she has to be polite to him. I bet you anything he's done it with other people, probably all a lot younger. I've seen it happen a lot and I think it's a power trip. I look like I'm a lot younger and friendlier than I am and I've had it before and once I've been rude it stops , that's when you become "stuck up".

Petalflowers · 30/03/2018 21:23

Write down the times and dates of every visit. If he is not taking the hint when he is rebuffed, then maybe you do need to call the police and as he is harnessing her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/03/2018 21:24

OP. She's 22. Why can she not deal with this herself - either by telling him straight or by reporting it at work so that it can be addressed formally? I can't believe that she needs her mum to 'step in'. Other than being supportive and a listening ear, you shouldn't have a role, she's an adult.

Original poster
Daisydewdrops · 30/03/2018 21:24

she either walks and I usually take the dog to meet her or I pick her up. She’s learning to drive at the moment. Unfortunately she’s usually on her own from 3 onwards until close.

OP posts:
Blatherskite · 30/03/2018 21:24

I had this when I was an 18 year old barmaid. I worked in an Irish bar so most of the patrons were double my age and one took to sitting in the bar for the whole of my regular shift and then waiting outside for me when I was due to finish. Thankfully, our bar connected to another on an adjacent road via the delivery areas in the back and I could sneak through and out of their front doors well away from the weird man.

She needs to take the flowers and card and give them back to him saying firmly that she is not in the slightest bit interested, never will be and he needs to stop this behaviour. Doing this will no doubt hurt his feelings but will prove that she's not secretly cooing over the flowers at home while the mean people at work stop her being with him.

untoldstories · 30/03/2018 21:25

OP hasn't described anything creepy, and he could have SN and boundaries difficulties. Lord knows the Brits are experts in not being direct enough

It is creepy to be sent flowers and a card by a man old enough to be your Father when you don't know him and have asked him to desist.
The OP said he's been contacted and asked to leave her alone.
That he persists is creepy.

TempusFugitive · 30/03/2018 21:26

Your poor daughter. I would ring the number and say to the man that he's putting her in a really awkward positing, embarrassing her. Maybe the fact that her mother is ringing him will bring it home to him how much younger she is.
Do it for her this time.

JaneEyre70 · 30/03/2018 21:26

I think Police would be sensible, especially if he has been approached and told not to.... in fact I'd be very concerned. This must be awful for her and you.

Original poster
Daisydewdrops · 30/03/2018 21:27

I was asking for advice from fellow parents because she’s scared. She has reported it to her work. Just because she’s an adult doesn’t mean she has to deal with this by herself she’s still my dd.

OP posts:
Gide · 30/03/2018 21:28

He doesn’t sound neurotypical with the staring and repetition. I doubt the police will have much impact and as he hasn’t harmed her, I can’t see them having quiet words, it’s not the way they operate these days.
The bloke needs to be explicitly told, preferably by your dd, that he is to stop immediately, she does not want him in the shop/near the shop/she is not interested. Back up from manager and some forceful raise voices if necessary.

TheVanguardSix · 30/03/2018 21:28

She should not be alone. Absolutely not. Can her employer put steps in place to ensure she is never by herself?

TempusFugitive · 30/03/2018 21:28

I agree with blather. Men will believe you're interested if you're too embarrassed to say that you're not.

I used to say something like, no no no don't buy me a drink because I hate feeling beholden to people I'll never spend time with / never date.

TempusFugitive · 30/03/2018 21:29

ps, obviously nobody is beholden to somebody who buys them a drink but it used to spell things out clearly without actually saying back off perve.

Patienceisvirtuous · 30/03/2018 21:31

How awful for her OP :(

I think she should ignore him, get work to support her formally (by barring him etc), log with police, and make sure she has company home, for now.

Original poster
Daisydewdrops · 30/03/2018 21:31

She has already told him she’s not interested. She didnt accept the card or flowers she left them where he did and she got security involved and they read the letter with her.

OP posts:
ArchchancellorsHat · 30/03/2018 21:33

he could have SN and boundaries difficulties

It doesn't matter. He's been told to stop by the people at her work, and he needs to stop. He doesn't have any kind of right to harass this poor woman. I would absolutely go to the police and also speak to HR - no one should be on their own in the shop, surely, what if there's a shoplifter or a robbery or she just slips over? One single person in charge of the money and all store security isn't going to be safe