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Original poster

SAHM's - What is your response to this?

60 replies

irritableirritant · 04/03/2018 13:37

Me & H have decided that financially we can't afford childcare for our 3rd child so I am now a SAHM.
I've noticed that lately I keep hearing a stock phrase - "I've been at work all week" in response to me either having the odd moan or giving out a task.
Is this a standard response I should expect to hear going forward?
I have a stock of responses to this phrase but now feel like I'm coming across as a nag.

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 04/03/2018 13:41

Well I am a SAHM and to be perfectly frank, I DO think it's a lot easier than going out to work.

1: I don't have to travel unless it's at my leisure for shopping or a class/group

2: I don't have to spend all day with people I don't like or have anything in common with.

3: I'm with my kids.

4: It's just easier.

So I sympathise with DH....he IS out at work all week....I do the housework. He does do some stuff around the house but only things he's always done like the bins and the gardening.

I think it's fair...

FaFoutis · 04/03/2018 13:44

Do you mean you hear this from your husband?

bakingaddict · 04/03/2018 13:44

I would never throw away my earning potential by becoming a SAHM as I imagine this is the kind of shit men pull.

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FaFoutis · 04/03/2018 13:46

Yes, you are being reminded of your new station in life. I'd make plans for it to be temporary.

JediStoleMyBike · 04/03/2018 13:48

Depends what you are asking I suppose. I am a SAHM now (through childcare costs and by choice I suppose) and my husband works very long hours - split shifts a day, morning to mid afternoon, late afternoon to night and he by far works harder. I tend to cover most of the housework and my husband picks up the last few bits when he's around, by choice and not because I've asked. He mucks in with little ones however.

It is probably a well outdated view that I hold but he is working his backside off to provide for us financially so the least I can do is try and look after the home. We are a team of course and if I need help I know he will gladly provide it but I do feel this is my contribution to our family as a unit and I am proud of it too.

That1950sMum · 04/03/2018 13:51

I'm sorry but I agree with your DH. I was a SAHM for five years until my children started school and it is, hands down, easier than going out to work.

gillybeanz · 04/03/2018 13:52

No, this isn't the type of shit men pull

My dh did as much as I did when I was a sahm, as he was able to.
I do think they should have a share of what needs doing during the evening.
However, I think it's wrong to expect the ft worker to do the jobs that could have been done during the work day.
It's give and take though, you are a team, and say you've had a bad day, stuff gone wrong, maybe an emergency then you will need someone to pick up the slack on these occasions.

Grobagsforever · 04/03/2018 14:03

He now sees your role as less than his and does not value your contribution.

Get back to work ASAP or brace yourself for years of this shit. Childcare costs go down but the damage to your earning potential is permanent

That1950sMum · 04/03/2018 14:17

Grobags I think you're projecting a lot of your own thoughts on to the OP's husband.

As far I understood it, he is just stating that he's had a more physically taxing day than OP and should therefore be spared too many chores in the evening which seems a perfectly valid point to me.

OP, embrace your new role and enjoy being at home with your children. You're giving them the best possible start in life and you are working with your husband as a team. For the moment you are taking care of children and home while he's keeping you afloat financially. Enjoy your time with him in the evening. That is your time for a bit of adult conversation, not for bickering about chores.

teaiseverything · 04/03/2018 14:20

@That1950sMum do you believe that women who go back to work after a few weeks or a couple of months are not giving their child the best start in life? Maybe I've taken what you're saying the wrong way.

TheJoyOfSox · 04/03/2018 14:23

Maybe DH just needs a gentle reminder that you still have work, it’s just done from home with no pay, no chance of promotion no recognition and no thanks.

If he were to pay for a full time housekeeper to cook, clean do laundry and shopping, a nanny for full time childcare with full responsibility for decisions including “does this need me to take dc to hospital?” etc, and occasional visits to the local brothel just how much would that all cost? Because effectively that’s what you are saving by being sahm.

That1950sMum · 04/03/2018 14:23

tea. Yes I do.

teaiseverything · 04/03/2018 14:24

Wow

FaFoutis · 04/03/2018 14:28

OP remember to put your lipstick on, ready for your husband getting home from work.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 04/03/2018 14:30

This is why I went back to work...

I don't think that one or other of working or being a sahp is intrinsically easier... if dh was working down a coal mine, I'd rather be the sahp. But I think doing a role you have a natural affinity for is always going to be easier... which is why I went back to work.

The response is, me too.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2018 14:34

I think uou need to agree the split of responsibilities now your role has changed, so sit down and chat it through and come to an agreement. You've both clearly got different views. He thinks as you're not working you should pick up the bulk of the home care, you feel he should be doing certain things. So discuss it, in terms of what's feasible for both of you and gives you both free time,bothindependantly and together.

I don't think it's gender related, if my husband was a stay at home parent and I the working one I'd assume the overwhelming majority of work was done by him and not left to me when I got back. So if I was out from 8-6 inc commute, I'd expect him to work as solidly as I was during these hours and to be able to manage his time to both see to the kids needs, be they play, learn or whatever, and also do houscare.

coffeeforone · 04/03/2018 14:38

Did you discuss the housekeeping responsibilities together before you decided to be a SAHM?

I work full time so not your target audience, but if I were a SAHM to 3 kids, then I would be looking after kids only during the day, i.e. the same as a nanny would. The only thing you are solely responsible for is childcare and keeping on top of the extra mess that this entails. All adult cooking, cleaning, laundry etc should be split 50/50 in the evenings/weekends like it would be if you both worked full time. That’s how I’d see it anyway.

But if you’re asking him to clear breakfast/lunch dishes and tidy toys away then maybe he is correct in his response.

teaiseverything · 04/03/2018 14:39

@Bluntness100 I have to agree. OP, while my DH would never dare say anything like, "I've been at work all week," we operate on the basis that I take care of the home and he works. I would expect this to be the arrangement regardless of gender.

FYI I'm not a SAHP but unable to work due to illness. I take care of everything and actually finds that it leads to him helping more than I would expect him to because he's grateful.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2018 14:40

0/50 in the evenings/weekends like it would be if you both worked full time. That’s how I’d see it anyway

I wouldn't. Having been home during maternity leave I think it's a bit shit to say I look after the kids only and all housework is left to the evenings and weekends. There's no need for it and stresses you both out in the evenings and weekends and removes quality family time. I don't see any reason it can't be done during the day. It's not that hard to keep on top of it.

Original poster

irritableirritant · 04/03/2018 14:49

So I can see that's where I have gone wrong. In my head I have a SAHM down as exactly as @coffeeforone has put it. I work and carry out chores during the working day and then on an evening/weekends I expect DH to pitch in when he can.
This isn't what's happening. My hours appear to be 24/7 and 365 days a year. As cook/nanny/gardener/taxi driver/homework tutor/laundry executive/night shift manager/buyer for clothing & groceries ......have I missed anything? You get the picture.
So evidently I need to sit down & get his views on role of SAHP and compare & contrast with what mine are!

OP posts:

coffeeforone · 04/03/2018 14:50

@Bluntness100 whilst I was on mat leave I also did all of the cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking etc and there was nothing to do in the evenings. It was easy because I only had one DS and he slept quite a bit during the day. If I had 3 little ones like the OP I can imagine it would basically be a full time job to keep them entertained, prepare meals and tidy up after them.

We both work full time and it’s not a lot to do in the evenings really if split between us after bedtime a couple of nights a week, then weekends are free for family time!

Desperatelyseekingsun · 04/03/2018 14:58

I am currently a SAHP are we have relocated overseas and transferring my qualifications will take for ever. I do most tasks during the week but I expect to be helped during the weekend with stuff that comes up. In fact this morning I was bemoaning the state of the house and DH said that we would work together to sort it out a bit today. He has horrible jet lag and been away you need to expect more. DH isn't great at household tasks but he doesn't think I need to work 24/7 at house stuff while he does nothing.

teaiseverything · 04/03/2018 15:00

@Desperatelyseekingsun definitely no to them sitting on their backsides altogether, especially at weekends.

BackforGood · 04/03/2018 15:04

How old are your dc, OP ?
3 Pre-schoolers at home is very different from a 3rd dc at home and 2 older ones at school.

Chienrouge · 04/03/2018 15:09

I’m a SAHM (two pre schoolers). In the day I look after the children, take them out, do crafts/baking with them, take them for rides on their scooters, read to them, cook for them etc. I also do some basic chores (loading/unloading the dishwasher, wiping the kitchen surfaces down, put a load of washing in). Everything that needs doing when DH is at home is split 50:50. I’m never sat on my arse doing nothing while he’s at work, and he’s never sat on his arse doing nothing in the evenings/at weekends while I’m doing housework. Equal leisure time.

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