Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

SAHM's - What is your response to this?

60 replies

irritableirritant · 04/03/2018 13:37

Me & H have decided that financially we can't afford childcare for our 3rd child so I am now a SAHM.
I've noticed that lately I keep hearing a stock phrase - "I've been at work all week" in response to me either having the odd moan or giving out a task.
Is this a standard response I should expect to hear going forward?
I have a stock of responses to this phrase but now feel like I'm coming across as a nag.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/03/2018 15:09

I think if stuff comes up at the weekend or can't genuinely be done during the working week it should be split. Conversely I don't think things should be left for the evenings or weekends if they could be done during the working week.

To say you're on 24/7 expecting to leave much of it for him to pitch in means he also is on 24/7. So you do need to sit down and agree roles and responsibilities. Because to be honest, my expectations would be like his, most of it done by you during the week and share anything that comes up otherwise.

Chienrouge · 04/03/2018 15:10

Oh and neither of my DC nap if that makes a difference, so I don’t have any child free time during the day. They’re just 4 and 2.

Dozer · 04/03/2018 15:12

Age of DC is a key factor here. But if you think your H’s attitude is a problem best raise this with him and discuss alternatives to the current set up.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
chuckiecheese · 04/03/2018 15:22

It sounds like it was a joint decision because childcare was too expensive with your third child so why the grump from him?

Does he think your life is easier?

Does he wish he could have stayed home instead?

I think that as women we should support the views and choices of other women not compete or belittle them, as some seem to have done on this thread!

I am sad your husband said this, have you told him how it makes you feel?

user5292769 · 04/03/2018 15:27

@teaiseverything I think the clue may have been in @That1950sMum 's username 😂

CorianderSnell · 04/03/2018 15:28

OP I’m a sahm of 3, not by design.

This is how I see it - lots of people out there seem to think we lead a life of leisure, including often our DPs...

You can go around feeling all defensive and listing out all the shit you do each day and what’s going to happen - they think not only are you some lazy sponger but you also moan about it...

So this is what you can do instead - you make your life easy as much as you can so that you don’t feel you have to moan about it. If the kids nap you sit down and watch daytime TV with a coffee for part of that time and you Don’t Give A Fuck about it, you don’t sit there panicking the house isn’t pristine, you enjoy that break. You serve fish fingers and tins of soup for tea when you’re tired. You make everyone wear their clothes until they’re really dirty so you don’t have seven loads of washing a week. You say to your partner - shall we split the bathroom cleaning etc on the weekends, or shall we pay a cleaner to do it (and sacrifice x, y or z) for that if needs be. You cuddle up to the children and Mumsnet whilst they watch tv after you’ve tired them out running around. You find mother and baby groups where you can sit down with a cuppa and chat to other lovely people who understand why you’re tired or didn’t get to shower this morning. You make your life as nice as possible so you feel more like letting your DP have some time off, then hopefully he feels more like helping you out.

It’s taken me five years to get to this state, but it does work now. If you have eg a 4yo, 2yo and a baby things are going to be manic and this doesn’t really apply, but something to work towards perhaps...

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/03/2018 15:28

What have you been asking him to do that’s got that sort of response?

You jointly made the decision for you to stay home because of the cost of childcare for (or including) DC3. Your ‘job’ is to look after the DC while he is at work & is unable to. Anything beyond that is a bonus. He shouldn’t expect to do fuck all at home because you are looking after the DC and not a childminder.

If your DC are demanding or you’re full on doing stuff with them, then I wouldn’t expect you to do much around the house, if they sleep loads or play independently and you spent most of your time with your feet up and don’t do any of the household stuff I’d be unimpressed. I’d probably be irritated if you regularly said ‘We went to baby massage this morning, then went to Suzy’s for lunch, then I watched TV while DS slept. DH please clean the bathroom, hoover the house & fold up the washing’. Equally I’d be irritated if I was up all night with the baby, had a limpit attached to me wailing all day and had a DH that thought he could come in & put his feet up because I’d been home all day’.

Sometimes couples are naturally able to find a balance. Most of the time it takes a lot of discussion & some shouting!

teaiseverything · 04/03/2018 15:28

@user5292769 I know, I stupidly lived in hope

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2018 15:35

Looking at your other threads, you've a nine year old a six year old and a seven month old, so two at school and you're at home with the baby?

You also posted a thread where you were ranting about his very occasional hangovers and how he wasn't able to parent the kids on those days leaving you stuck.

It does seem there is a bit of a theme here. I'd maybe review if being a stay at home mum is really suitable for you, it seems you resent it, so you both need to look at alternate options because looking after the kids shouldn't be a war.

RandomUsernameHere · 04/03/2018 15:49

What does your DH do for a job and what sort of hours/stress levels does it entail? What sort of tasks have you been giving him that bring about that response?
I'm a SAHM too and can completely see it from both sides. My DH has a very demanding job with frequent travel and late nights, but it allows us as a family to have a very comfortable lifestyle and I'm extremely grateful for this. Also our children are now at preschool so I do have a few hours a day to myself. As a result I don't expect him to do anything round the house really. I do all the household jobs during the day so most evenings I can just relax once the DC are in bed. This was also the case before they were in school (but we did have a cleaner then).
On the flip side, it sometimes feels like my job is 7 days a week whereas his is only 5. He is more tired by the weekend than I am though.
I think it's a balancing act and every family is different.

That1950sMum · 04/03/2018 15:55

@user5292769 actually my user name was meant ironically as my first ever post was about my children thinking I was a dinosaur for trying to limit gadget time.

I don't know why you care so much about what I think. It is only my opinion. I'm 100% confident about the choices I have made. Presumably so are you. I was asked if I think being a SAHP is best for children and I answered honestly that I do. If you have chosen to return to work quickly I'm assuming that is because you think that is the best thing. We are allowed to have different opinions. I'm sure we all think the path we've chosen is the best one for our children.

Nishky · 04/03/2018 16:04

That1950’smum surely you means being a SAHP is the best for your children. You don’t know other people’’s circumstances

Chienrouge · 04/03/2018 16:08

To be fair I think That1950’smum is getting a bit of a hard time. Surely we all do what we think is best for our children/family? I think me being a SAHM is the best thing for my children, and we can afford it, so that’s why I do it. If I thought me being at work was the best thing for them, I’d do that. I’m lucky to have the choice.

Nishky · 04/03/2018 16:10

That is the distinction I am making

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2018 16:26

I think the 1950s mum phrased it very contentiously. I'm not sure whether it was ignorance or done on purpose, but stating the op is giving her kid the best start in life by not working isn't going to go down well with the 80% of mothers who do work.

Interestingly research shows kids of working mothers hit miles stones much faster, so it really is up for discussion if her personal feelings are correct. However that's a different thread.

I do think sometimes when women like her Post that shit what they actually mean is what's best for me.

Chienrouge · 04/03/2018 16:29

Fair enough re the wording, I can see your point.
I guess the milestones thing depends on whether you think the most important thing for your children is how quickly they meet milestones, but as you say that’s another thread!

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2018 16:35

Again I think that's a bit of a contentious way to put it chien. I don't think anyone would say child development is the most important thing, but clearly it's important. As are many things other things, inc child happiness, socialisation, stimulation etc etc.

Chienrouge · 04/03/2018 16:36

Yes of course, I wasn’t trying to be contentious. I just meant that there are many different things that people take into account when making their decision. Not just milestones.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 04/03/2018 16:39

Remind him you are giving up your earning potential, potential pension, career advancement for the sake of the family - the whole family. You do not do this in isolation.

Set the ground rules now, or you will forever be the unpaid help. He should not be taking you for granted - the lesson you BOTH need to be teaching and the example you should BOTH be setting you children is that each role is as equally important.

BackforGood · 04/03/2018 16:53

I think that as women we should support the views and choices of other women

eh ?

Why on earth would someone's sex mean their "views and choices" were right ? Confused
I will support a logical / sensible / compassionate / fair / kind view whether a woman or a man made it, and challenge the opposite, again, whoever made it.
What an odd thing to say.

Grobagsforever · 04/03/2018 17:46

@That1950sMum - my daughter informed me the other day (she's 7) that when she has a baby the father and her will alternate going to work and staying at home. To me, that shows I have given her the best possible start by returning to work........role modelling is the most effective form of parenting...,

Anyway @irritableirritant - honestly get back to work. Your husband cannot handle the extreme privileges of you being a SAHM (few can) . Or ask him to swap roles perhaps?

grasspigeons · 04/03/2018 17:58

It depends what task/what sort of moan really

I don't have a lot of time for the idea that a SAH parent is a skivvy and the other responsible adult no longer needs to put their own pants in the washing basket or wipe around the sink after they use it. But I also don't feel that the person at work has to do 50% of everything other than childcare.

I think i'd says something like that doesn't make me feel like you valued my contribution to the household this week.

WhyBeDennyDifferent · 04/03/2018 18:02

It’s really tough tbh. Being at home is definitely easier than work, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t become monotonous. You also don’t get any thanks or appreciation most of the time.

DH used to be the same with me but he started to really appreciate what it can be like when I started working weekends. It’s been a good compromise for us.

coffeeforone · 04/03/2018 19:17

Being at home is definitely easier than work

I don’t think this is always true. Especially if your babies/toddlers are not that easy-going.

From experience, I did a phased return to work after mat leave and I found the working days much less tiring than the SAH days, and DS isn’t that demanding!

WhyBeDennyDifferent · 04/03/2018 19:37

I suppose it depends what your children are like and how easy your job is.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.