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Original poster

Children at a wedding - WWYD

67 replies

Beachballsforme · 02/01/2018 20:21

Feel like this has probably been done to death but wanted to get some opinions on this particular situation....

Close friend getting married in May. Friends since childhood. She was one of my bridesmaids at our destination wedding (we paid for everything except flights - including food/accommodation etc for almost a week. Important to give context I think!) This was in our 20s, now we are all mid-30s and most of our group have kids. I have one DC, 18 months and am currently pregnant, will be 35 weeks at the time of her wedding.
We live 300 miles from wedding venue. We have no family locally or near this area that can look after our DS, and I’ve just been told there are no children allowed at the wedding. I have no family and most of our friends are at the wedding!

WWYD? Friend is suggesting I firstly go to my in laws (200 miles in opposite direction) drop off my DS and then go to her wedding. My DS has never stayed there (or away from us overnight - it’s just not usually an option for us), will be hundreds of miles away from us and I will be very heavily pregnant and not near my usual hospital/midwives etc. DH is not keen on this plan to say the least!

Any tips? Advice? Suggestions?! I don’t want to let anyone down but feeling like my family needs to take priority here...

OP posts:

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 02/01/2018 20:23

If she is that close a friend, she should grasp how ridiculous her suggestion is!! Offer to Skype her on the morning and wish her well.

trilbydoll · 02/01/2018 20:24

Given the distance involved I think the best option is a babysitter at the wedding hotel. If you can't do this or don't want to (and I would have been very unsure) then regretfully decline and say you can't figure out the logistics, you don't want to go alone at 35w so hope she has a lovely day.

BigApple11 · 02/01/2018 20:26

Don't go!!!

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Weddings

Youcanstayundermyumbrella · 02/01/2018 20:27

Yes, if you are happy to be there yourself at that point, something like sitters.co.uk, or a babysitter recommended by the hotel, might be the answer. You could pop in on them regularly, and they usually have DBS checks and are experienced childcarers etc. But not everyone is comfortable using someone unfamiliar.

Fitzsimmons · 02/01/2018 20:27

I'm a firm believer that a person has a right to make their wedding childfree, but that they must accept with good grace that those with children may not be able to attend. I'd also be reluctant to travel so far at that late stage in pregnancy. I think you need to be honest with your friend about why this will not work for you. If she reacts poorly then she's not a good friend.

WallisFrizz · 02/01/2018 20:28

Decline. You're not letting her down, she's making it beyond difficult for you.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2018 20:28

I went 200 miles plus, on my own with my DS who was 3, to a friend's wedding when I was 35 weeks pregnant. I felt fine and was ok to drive there and back. I checked out the local maternity hospitals just in case and made sure to take my notes with me. So I think as long as you feel ok being heavily pregnant shouldn't necessarily be an issue.

The bigger issue is your DS and what to do with him. Do you have a current paid babysitter that you've used? If you really want to go to the wedding then could you offer to pay your usual babysitter to come with you and babysit? It would be very expensive but you might think it worth it?

Or you could both go, but only you actually attend the wedding and your DH look after your DS. Again not ideal but if you really want to attend the wedding then that's a possibility.

The last option is to have to explain that you cannot attend due to lack of suitable childcare and take any flak from your friend as a result.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 02/01/2018 20:28

I wouldn't want to be 300 miles from my designated hospital at 35 weeks

Fundays12 · 02/01/2018 20:29

Her suggestion is utterly ridiculous so I would be declining the wedding invite unfortunately. I am not against taking kids to weddings but I chose not to have any a mine but wouldn’t expect a guest to do that. If they couldn’t take there child due to me I would understand if they ous the make it.

EllaHen · 02/01/2018 20:29

Don't go. And don't feel guilty.

Pancakeflipper · 02/01/2018 20:31

send apologies but decline the invitation. its sad to miss the wedding but if you can't find a sensible solution...
Invite them to yours after wedding and once you feel able to after baby telling them to bring the photos/have a celebrsto6 meal etc. You csn decline and there not be a huge fall out.

MrsPringles · 02/01/2018 20:31

I think bow out now. It’ll all be a bit much and it’s not worth stressing over for the next few months.

I think some people (especially those who are yet to have their own) are very precious about children at weddings and no amount of reasoning with them makes them change their mind
(Which is obviously fine, it’s their wedding but they put people in a tricky situation and unfortunately for them, your kids come first and their wedding second)

RatRolyPoly · 02/01/2018 20:35

If she's your friend more than your dh's can't you go and he look after your DC? Anyone else traveling down that you could get a lift with?

JudgeRulesNutterButter · 02/01/2018 20:41

I was unbearably uncomfortable in the car for about two hours at 35 weeks. Went to see a friend for her birthday but came home emphatically declaring that I wasn't going anywhere further than 20 mins till I got the baby out!! That was DC2 as well, I'd been fine with the first.

Better to decline now, make your apologies and know where you all stand than to worry about it all for five months.

Ijustlovefood · 02/01/2018 20:43

That is ridiculous for her to suggest you do that. Clearly she's no kids?

Ijustlovefood · 02/01/2018 20:44

Also I gave birth at 36 weeks!

monkeywithacowface · 02/01/2018 20:48

I think you just have to politely decline. It's a shame but with those logistics it just doesn't sound like it's worth the stress!

Original poster

Beachballsforme · 02/01/2018 20:49

Phew I’m glad I’m not just being nuts! She doesn’t have kids, no. DH would look after DS if that could work but it’s a long way to drag them if they aren’t attending the wedding and he’s not keen on being away from me at that stage (I feel the same) DS1 was a week early!

OP posts:

LML83 · 02/01/2018 20:51

you won't be letting bride down it's not possible for you. Explain, she will understand. She must know it's a big ask.

Having children or no children can be a big difference to the atmosphere of the day (I like kids there but not everyone's choice). She must understand you are unlikely to manage and it may be hurtful to you but she has prioritised no kids. That's her choice but she can't be let down you can't come.

greendale17 · 02/01/2018 20:53

Decline. You're not letting her down, she's making it beyond difficult for you.

^This

McTufty · 02/01/2018 20:55

I don’t think it’s precious not to want no kids at the wedding, especially as there are probably loads she would have to invite, but I cannot believe her suggestion! I don’t have kids and it’s perfectly obvious that is a ridiculous thing to suggest even if you weren’t heavily pregnant.

Decline, and if she is shitty about it, ditch her. No one’s world except hers and her fiancés revolves around her wedding and it’s her issue if she can’t see that.

Capelin · 02/01/2018 20:58

Could your in laws come over and look after DS at your house, rather than you driving 200 miles in the opposite direction? Personally I would try to go if she’s a very close friend (which it sounds like she is).

NoqontroI · 02/01/2018 20:58

I got a baby sitter at the hotel for the evening as a compromise when I went to a no child wedding. The children did attend the day on this basis though. Personally I wouldn't bother at all at 35 weeks pg though.

ProseccoPoppy · 02/01/2018 21:01

Gosh I really wouldn’t go in that scenario. Doesn’t need to be a big drama or falling out (and I’m sure it won’t be) but it just isn’t a realistic ask! Maybe if you calmly decline and say you hope they have a wonderful day, you’d love to be there but can’t and explain why? Obviously their prerogative on children/no children but you never know - she might reconsider? DH’s best man and his now wife did. We obviously didn’t ask them to, it was a lovely surprise but did mean we could go in the end.

SweetheartTreacleTart · 02/01/2018 21:02

Doesn't sound like attending would work for you and your family. I would cancel now and not stress about it.

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