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Original poster

Children at a wedding - WWYD

67 replies

Beachballsforme · 02/01/2018 20:21

Feel like this has probably been done to death but wanted to get some opinions on this particular situation....

Close friend getting married in May. Friends since childhood. She was one of my bridesmaids at our destination wedding (we paid for everything except flights - including food/accommodation etc for almost a week. Important to give context I think!) This was in our 20s, now we are all mid-30s and most of our group have kids. I have one DC, 18 months and am currently pregnant, will be 35 weeks at the time of her wedding.
We live 300 miles from wedding venue. We have no family locally or near this area that can look after our DS, and I’ve just been told there are no children allowed at the wedding. I have no family and most of our friends are at the wedding!

WWYD? Friend is suggesting I firstly go to my in laws (200 miles in opposite direction) drop off my DS and then go to her wedding. My DS has never stayed there (or away from us overnight - it’s just not usually an option for us), will be hundreds of miles away from us and I will be very heavily pregnant and not near my usual hospital/midwives etc. DH is not keen on this plan to say the least!

Any tips? Advice? Suggestions?! I don’t want to let anyone down but feeling like my family needs to take priority here...

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 02/01/2018 21:06

Soooo her solution is that you drive 500 miles to the inlaws and up to the venue, and repeat the trip on the way home? WTAF! YADNBU. Agree that if you want to have a child free wedding (I did, no shame in it) you need to accept it's not doing to work for everyone with kids- especially when they have very small children and will be eight months pregnant! That's compounded when you pick a venue so bloody far away from your guests.

I'd tell her that you've thought about her suggestions- with your last pregnancy you definitely wouldn't have been comfortable physically or mentally driving that far away from your midwife/hospital and that it doesn't seem like it'll be any different this time. Coupled with how small DS will still be at the time and the childcare issues, it's just not going to be feasible.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 02/01/2018 21:27

I had my ds at 35 weeks!!

Waterdropsdown · 02/01/2018 21:35

Could your parents come to th wedding area with you and look after your child in the accommodation near the wedding? My friends are very spread out and I’ve been at weddings where this is what guests have done.
Otherwise could you go alone and leave child with your partner? For me my concern would be if something happened regarding my pregnancy so maybe not the best suggestion. This is what we’ve done with the 2 weddings we’ve been invited to which were 300+ miles away since our kids were born.

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genever · 02/01/2018 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 02/01/2018 21:41

I had this last year. Not pg but I had a 3yo and a 6mo. I hadn't left either of them overnight before and was still bf baby DS. Wedding 300miles away, no family nearby. Children not invited. I RSVPd a firm "No". Friend of 30 years was a bit Hmm and called about it but there was no fall out.

OhPuddleducks · 02/01/2018 21:42

Could you go and leave dp at home with your child? That’s been my solution to child-free weddings without any babysitting opportunities. However I was never 35 weeks pregnant at the time so think you’d be perfectly reasonable to decline!

Willswife · 02/01/2018 21:45

Could you ask your in laws to come to your house to babysit?

I have no issue with child free weddings but they do make things tricky if you haven't got nearby support.

Whilst technically you could give birth at 35 weeks, statistically I would assume it is highly unlikely. I wouldn't let pregnancy stop me, I'd just take my notes with me and just find details of the local hospital before I left.

HaPPy8 · 02/01/2018 21:46

Could in laws come to you to babysit?

Original poster
Beachballsforme · 02/01/2018 21:56

In laws are elderly... we are in a city on the south coast, they are in Wales, wedding is in North Yorkshire. We moved away from the area we are from for work so most people are considerably more local than us. Just a logistical nightmare!

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 02/01/2018 21:58

I would be saying book a Sitters person to come to the hotel if it weren't for the pregnancy. What's the nearest maternity hospital like and how far away, would be my other thought, if you really wanted to go. But you shouldn't have to if you feel uncomfortable with it, and she's being a dick if she does anything other than graciously accept that.

JaneEyre70 · 02/01/2018 22:07

Could you pay for the in-laws to get the train to you, then all travel up to the wedding together? They can look after your DS, and you and DH get some adult time together before baby arrives? If she's a good friend, I'd want to make the effort really. If you take your maternity notes with you and check where the local hospital is, I wouldn't be too concerned.

NataliaOsipova · 02/01/2018 22:13

I'm a firm believer that a person has a right to make their wedding childfree, but that they must accept with good grace that those with children may not be able to attend.

I completely agree with this. And you - for a number of valid reasons - just aren't able to go. When she has a child herself, she will no doubt look back at this and cringe, so she won't hold it against you forever!

dustarr73 · 02/01/2018 22:13

Just tell her no.Theres no way I'd be sitting at a wedding at 35 weeks pregnant.You won't be comfy and there's a chance the baby could be early

Alanna1 · 02/01/2018 22:15

Assuming you do want to go, I’d go for two hotel rooms and bring the in-laws with you. They look after your DC at the hotel, then you come back and have him from that point. You might even find a convienient air bnb and all get a family holiday together. That’s what close friends did at a wedding we all went to in scotland last summer (we’re all south coast). And I went to a wedding 39 weeks pregnant with my first, and travelled (by car) in europe at 36-38 weeks pregnant. As long as you know where all the relevant maternity hospitals are and have your notes with you and are a low risk pregnancy, my view was that a woman in labour is something every area deals with regularly.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 02/01/2018 22:17

I had to miss my cousin's wedding when I was 37 weeks pregnant as I just wasn't happy being that far away form my hospital. She understood. Another friend has recently said she didn't understand the fuss about being pregnant (and I missed her hen do as I just wasn't well enough to travel 190 miles each way to her hen do with morning sickness) until it happened to her a year later. It doesn't really matter whether she understands your predicament or not, if you don't feel it is a reasonable plan, and I wouldn't, then don't go.

domesticslattern · 02/01/2018 22:19

I would decline nearer the time, making up some shit about doctor's orders and monitoring.

DotCottonDotCom · 02/01/2018 22:23

I’d just decline full stop, using childcare and pregnancy as the issue.
Even without pregnancy I wouldn’t be forced into using a sitter if its not something I normally do

GreenTulips · 02/01/2018 22:32

It's 700 miles

200 to inlaws - 200 back plus 300

FranksBobot · 02/01/2018 22:33

To be honest at 35 weeks, travelling 30 miles wasn't something I wanted to do if I didn't have To, never mind 300!
If she's a good friend she'll understand and if she doesn't then she really isn't the friend you thought she was.

greenlynx · 02/01/2018 22:36

I wouldn't go, it sounds too complicated. You are not letting her down, just tell her in advance so she could plan numbers.

ILoveDolly · 02/01/2018 22:38

Once you've got kids then you do have to turn down more things.

gruber · 02/01/2018 22:39

I was car sick all through pregnancy! It’s your choice. I wouldn’t have fitted behind the wheel of the car at 35 weeks let alone managed a 2 hr + drive, and I think I would have been worrying about DC1 too. I would decline gracefully now and put your feet up rather than cause yourself extra stress while heavily pregnant.

CoffeeOrSleep · 02/01/2018 22:43

If you weren't late pregnancy, then I'd say sitters, or even call the hotel and see if they could recommend a babysitter/childminder, but at 35 weeks, blame pregnancy. I'd go with saying as it's so close to your due date and you've been told this one could be even earlier than DC1 (it's very normal to be earlier with 2nd baby than 1st - I'm telling you this, so it's not a total lie), you can't be that far away from home.

MrsFezziwig · 02/01/2018 22:51

Wedding venue is 300 miles away, so actually a 600 mile round trip without factoring in any trips to the in laws.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/01/2018 22:52

Take it the venue is not a hotel that guest can stay at? Otherwise that would be ideal. DH/babysitter during the service, baby sitter in the evening but able to pop up if needed.

When is the wedding? Tbh I would use the pregnancy as my reason not to go even if I didn’t have another child to worry about.