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Original poster

Daughter wants to name her baby with same name as DH' mistress

93 replies

mumsgirl1 · 01/07/2017 22:00

She doesn't know about the affair (and I hope she never will) . How can I persuade her to not give my dear grandaughter this name without spilling the beans. Her husband also likes the name .

OP posts:

diddl · 01/07/2017 22:31

If you have kept it from her, why would you tell her now in a bid to make her change the name that she has chosen?

That's awful & selfish.

bemusedbewildered · 01/07/2017 22:36

it'll be a lovely baby, your grandchild. This is a baby related to you that you get to cuddle and have in your family, surely that's more important?
The baby is the future, not the past. A name is a name, it's in no way a nod to the OW, merely an unhappy coincidence.

Personally I think you should talk to your DH about how you feel, have a good cry about everything it's brought back up, both sign a pact never to let on and then go and buy something nice for the baby and look forward to it in a positive way.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 01/07/2017 22:36

Is it a popular name now? As in the top 100 ones? If so, then while you might not know many woman of your age with the name, there might be quite a few little girls with that name and it not be so 'special' to the OW.

Within a few months, that word will not be one that makes you think of your DH's affair, but of your DGD. Is there a shortening you could use instead?

Ellie56 · 01/07/2017 22:36

How long ago was the affair? How likely is it that DD would find out?

PurpleDaisies · 01/07/2017 22:37

I think I'd have to tell her too. If she found out later it may ruin the name for her, and it would be too late by then.

By that point she will have her lovely daughter and I just can't see someone being really upset that they have the same name. My dad had an affair with someone with the same name as my sister. It didn't wreck the relationship between me and her.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 01/07/2017 22:37

Just to add, it can't help that you still have to have this person in your life. Can you / your DH move to a different company?

FriendPlease · 01/07/2017 22:38

You can tell her that the name has a very bad and hurtful connotation for you personally, without having to explain the whole story. But other than that it is ultimately the parents' decision. would they be open to you using a nickname or her second name instead? If you explained that the original name has a bad connotation for you.

OnTheRise · 01/07/2017 22:41

Tell your husband to deal with it. It's his problem, not yours.

BrexitSucks · 01/07/2017 22:45

I would make something up.
"Oh dear, there was a terrible girl in my secondary school with that name. That horrible girl bullied me & made me feel rubbish. I will respect your choice but I'd appreciate it if you would reconsider."

WillowWeeping · 01/07/2017 22:45

What an impossible situation - was your DD a child when her DF had the affair? I'm just wondering why it was kept a secret from her.

Personally I think this is the moment your DH has to confront his past and take your DD to one side and say in the briefest terms what he did and how awful it'd be for you.

Assuming your DD is now an adult there is no particular need to protect her or her father certainly not at great pain to you.

MadreTranquillitatis · 01/07/2017 22:48

I'd tell her the truth. Why should you feel shit when it's your DH who was a twat?

MsJuniper · 01/07/2017 22:52

My mum refused to use DS's name when he was born and months later said it was the surname of the woman her partner had had an affair with.

I wish she had just said at the time. I would have used another name on the shortlist and not had to go through the heartache of feeling like I had done something wrong but not knowing what.

sycamore54321 · 01/07/2017 22:54

Can you please clarify whose husband had the mistress - yours or your daughter's?

Assuming it is yours, then none of your business. Your daughter and her partner can choose whatever name they like. If you really feel strong enough, you have to tell her the reason why, no nonsense about school bullies. Posters here would be outraged if the daughter was posting saying her mother was trying to dissuade her from her favourite name for those flimsy reasons. Really though it is far better if you stay quiet about the whole thing. Lots of people have the same names.

If her husband, well she has bigger problems but definitely tell her about the affair before she names the baby.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/07/2017 22:59

There is no need to tell her the truth - if you, or DH, have any imagination.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 01/07/2017 23:04

My sister has the same name as my dad's former mistress.

We rarely think of my sister's namesake and my mum has never intimated that my sister's name hurts her. I must ask my mym if it still bothers her.

However, the name was chosen by my dad, and I think it was crass in the extreme.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 01/07/2017 23:05

I agree with saying it's an exgf of her df - I'd add she was awful and treated him badly and so is not a name that you have nice connotations to?

It's a shame that the man gets protected, while OP will look neurotic.

GloriaV · 01/07/2017 23:06

As baby grows the name will be associated with her, over time, and ex mistress forgotten.

Wishforsnow · 01/07/2017 23:07

I think you should just be honest. Why keep your DH's secret.

krustykittens · 01/07/2017 23:07

"My sister has the same name as my dad's former mistress.

However, the name was chosen by my dad, and I think it was crass in the extreme"

What a horrible thing for him to do!

diddl · 01/07/2017 23:08

" the name was chosen by my dad, and I think it was crass in the extreme."

That's awful.

Did your mum know at the time?

Tbh Op, I think that you should just keep schtum.

You decided to stay with your husband & not tell your daughter about his affair.

It's sad for you that this is now ipacting on you, but why should you also cause it to impact on your daughter & SIL?

yesiknowyoullwhine · 01/07/2017 23:08

Yeah OP, just shut up already with your "feelings" and "damaged marriage" and "heartbreak". Your daughter shouldn't be bothered by those!

And there's no way it'll be a daily reminder constantly of the other woman. If anything you'll forget her more.

Zjmlove · 01/07/2017 23:08

This is the kind of thing you have to put up with if you take back a cheat you'll have to suck it up I'm afraid.

Loopyloppy · 01/07/2017 23:09

Zjmlove

CosmoClock · 01/07/2017 23:11

ouch!

I'd get your husband to talk to your daughter OP. He owes OP that, because as a pp said, not fair the OP would look unreasonable trying to talk her dd out of the name without being able to explain why. I think he should be the one to say something. Maybe not the whole truth. Something like he hurt OP by becoming infatuated with a woman with that name.

iMatter · 01/07/2017 23:12

Tell her you were bullied at school/work by someone with that name.

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