My husband wants to be a woman

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I'm sorry this is going to be long and possibly tricky to follow..

My DH has always had issues with his gender. He used to dress up in female clothes, wear a wig and go for walks in the dark where there was the potential some one could see. It empowered him and he enjoyed it. He said that he's always felt like this and he could embrace the cross dressing at university as it was the done thing and no one thought it "weird"

At the time, I'm sad to say I wasn't overly supportive. No one found out and that was cos I thought it would be "embarrassing" I used to say "oh not again" when he dressed up. I'm not proud of the way I reacted.

Fast forward 6/7 years, he hasn't dressed up in ages (approx 5) following a spell of epileptic attacks. He said he hadn't felt the need or the urge and that was that.

Recently in last couple of months our arguments have gotten worse. Accusations of me not listening to him and several nasty (swear) names called and swear words used.
This time things were different he gets frustrated because I don't listen to him and feels he's staying male for me as I'd previously said I couldn't be in a relationship with a woman. It's clear he's denying who he is, I knew the second he broke down he'd be talking about urges to become a woman- I'd buried my head in the sand (as has he ) and thought these feelings would go away.

I love him, he's my best friend and this is a big revelation for him and I'm almost thinking like there's no way back. I feel if he transitioned he'd have less resentment for me (why should he deny who he truly is to be ignored and interrupted- I'm crap at listening and often jump in or talk over him) he seems to think he would too.

The only reason he's staying male is for me, and in my opinion this is no reason to make himself unhappy.

He states he's not sure if he needs a full transition, anatomically he feels as though he's "missing boobs" and wants to act/dress/look like a woman without the "need to hack his genitals off" I'm heterosexual and not sure if I can be in a relationship with a woman... I'm sorry if that sounds really unsupportive I don't mean it to. I'd love for him to transition and still feel the same attraction for him as I do as a male but I can't promise that- this is making him reluctant to do it, says he'll carry on as before ,he's hidden it for so long anyway etc.

I just feel if he stays male our arguments will get worse and we have an almost 18mo that I want to create a happy stable environment for, I want to teach her you can be what you want to be without prejudice.

Please can someone offer some some advice. I hope I've written as sensitively as possible, I can't imagine for a second the mental trauma that goes on for those who are trapped in the wrong body

I don't have any advice I'm afraid but I just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel bad about how you feel in this situation. You're sexuality is every bit as important as his and it sounds as if you've made it quite clear how you feel from the start. Your husband made the decision to stay with you knowing that this is how you felt.
You obviously can't tell him how to proceed from here on in but you absolutely aren't obliged to stay in a marriage which doesn't reflect your sexuality and what you look for in a partner.
Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me and I wouldn't be able to stay.
Whatever you decide, don't feel like you have to stay in a situation you're not comfortable with xx

I am always might suspicious of a man who thinks he is transgender and should really be a woman but doesn't want to have his penis removed. There is a mental health condition that can make men feel like that, but the name escapes me. Perhaps google it and see if the symptoms fit.

You don't have to deny your sexuality to make him happy. If you don't want to love a woman, that is entirely your right, but don't subsume your needs for his. If he has done that, it is on his head, not yours, but you don't have to accept it if it makes you unhappy. Good luck.

Thanks for your input both

He says it's more of a schizophrenic type feeling. One minute he'll be perfectly fine, the next he gets overwhelming urges to dress as a women. He says our clothes are nicer, comfier, more choice etc.
If it was the odd bit of cross dressing I think i could live with it if that's how he feels comfortable. I've said I don't want to engage in sexual activity with him as such whilst dressed like this- he respects that.

Similarly he's going to organise speaking to someone to discuss what it is he ACTUALLY wants. Whether it be partial transition or just dressing. Feeling loads more positive about things today.

I think that LittleCandle is referring to autogynephilia. I have no advice, but plenty of sympathy & would agree that you shouldn't feel obliged to stay in a relationship in which you feel uncomfortable.

He will never be a woman. He will always, always be male.

Sounds like he needs some help from a mental health professional.

for you OP. Must be difficult.

Could you afford for him to access long term private counselling? It would be a positive opportunity for him to talk through how he feels about his life in general, and through that to explore how he might be wanting to dress in a traditionally female way.

Thanks all,

We're definitely going to access the counselling route. He's felt like this on and off for 20years (he's mid thirties) and suffered considerable oppression in his teen years so I want to help him the best I can.

And will also look up condition PP posted (but I can't spell without looking !)

One thing I wondered - I think our society places a huge amount of demands on men, to be strong to the point of emotionless, good providers, ambitious, work focused, sexy, physically fit etc. Might one issue be that he finds all these demands of masculinity too much, and that he wants an opportunity to be more traditionally feminine in behaviour - so less work focused, more family focused, able to share his emotions more openly, etc.

No real advise but I follow a sewing blog called a stitching odyssey and she did a post called something like loving the person not the gender and talked about her partner transitioning from male to female and how she coped being a heterosexual women. It's a really good read - theres also a podcast about it but can't remember the name - it's definitely worth a read even not in your situation. Lots of luck xxx

Travelling that's a good point... society does put a lot of pressure on men to be the rock and never break emotionally

I'll give the blog a read, thank you kshaw

Your op is so apologetic, as if you are somehow in the wrong for not wishing to be involved with him romantically and physically as a woman. You're not.

I will be very blunt, I love my husband, but if he decided to live as a woman, our relationship would be over and we would hopefully remain friends.

Your husband needs to make a decision on what he wants. It's good you wish to support him in that, but you should not feel bad or under any obligation to be romantically or physically with him as a female, nor should you be ashamed or apologetic about that.

I agree this sounds like autogynephilia. Which is a fetish.

It's not possible to be born in the wrong body. If he wants to keep his penis then that doesn't sound like gender dysphoria. If he genuinely thought he should have been a woman he'd not want to keep such an utterly male part of him.

You don't have to stay with him, you've made it clear you don't want to be in a relationship with a woman. And frankly even if he didn't transition think carefully if you want to stay wih somebody who calls you nasty offensive names. I'm not sure how you not being a good listener (although I bet you do listen and don't interupt anywhere near as much as he claims) is denying him the chance to "be his true self". He sounds like many other late transitioning males who will blame their female partner for their bad moods or denying them the chance to dress up.

What does acting like a woman mean to him? I'd bet it's being "sexy" not doing the hard work of raising your child or the shitework that women get lumped with. He wants to be a porny idea of a woman, I'd bet my hat.

You don't have to apologise for your sexuality.

If you married him, expecting a man and end up with a woman, you don't have to stay married to him. You can still be friends and co-parents but you don't need to be married.

I think he's expecting a huge amount from you to stay married and sexually active with him if he decides to dress as a woman and have some degree of surgery.

This narrative seems very much about him and it should be equally about you.

I find your post really sad, due for the fact your apologising for not wanting to be with a transgender female. Why do you have to be supportive anyway? He us not the person you married and wants to be someone else. If he decides to transition are you planning to stick around, bury your own needs and feeling for him? If it was me our relationship would be over only because I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. Good luck OP

Unless he's willing to have some heavy duty therapy to unpick his desire to have breasts and change his physical appearance I'd say your relationship is over anyway.
You don't want to live with a husband who is taking female hormones, has breast implants and wears feminine clothing and make up. And that is perfectly fine and your right. He wants to be free to explore his urges to present as feminine and alter his body to resemble a female body in some ways.
Bear in mind things like the health risks of long term oestrogen use, you could end up as his carer when his bones sucumb to osteoporosis. Also he is likely to make himself infertile and have erectile dysfunction, possibly permanently.
Nobody is truly the opposite sex on the inside, that's a total fallacy. He has impulses/desires/possibly a fetish and wants to pursue them openly. It's ok for you to say that you wish him well but don't want to accompany him on his self obsessed exploration.

You both need to go to counselling. Firstly, he needs to understand who he is and what he wants. But you also need support. If he really does want to become a woman - or at least 'have boobs' and dress like a woman and live like a woman then you have the right to choose not to remain with him, if that's not what you want for yourself and your life. You fell in love with a man and as a heterosexual woman you really shouldn't feel like you have to make it work if that man wants to turn into a woman. That doesn't make you a bad person or prejudiced or anything else. You know who you are. He's the one who is conflicted.

If DH was transgender and wanted to transition we would get divorced. And a person he would have my support and love, we'd be friends and joint parents forever, but I did not marry a woman. I would not be able to continue a spousal relationship. I would not feel ashamed for one single second. His choices are valid; so are mine.

He used to dress up in female clothes, wear a wig and go for walks in the dark where there was the potential some one could see. At the time, I'm sad to say I wasn't overly supportive. No one found out and that was cos I thought it would be "embarrassing" I used to say "oh not again" when he dressed up. I'm not proud of the way I reacted.

And re: this^. Please stop beating yourself up. I would have a blue fit if my DH started dressing in women's clothes and wandering about in the dark. Saying 'Oh not again' is just about the least offensive thing I could imagine saying. I'm assuming you didn't realise that you were in a relationship with a cross-dresser at this point and he's hardly been clear and unambiguous with you about it, so I really don't see you being at fault here. These days we're all supposed to be so 'right on' and tolerant about everything, which is fine in theory, but much harder to manage when you're actually in a relationship with someone who is living a lie.

What does acting like a woman mean to him? I'd bet it's being "sexy" not doing the hard work of raising your child or the shitework that women get lumped with. He wants to be a porny idea of a woman, I'd bet my hat.

This. The fact that he wants to keep his penis is a big red flag to me. If he truly had body dysmorphia, he wouldn't want anything to do with such a male part of his body. Sounds like he's fetishised being a woman to me.

Op you don't have to be so apologetic. It isn't your fault he feels this way and you're not obliged to stay with him through it.

I feel really sorry for you op, but he is wanting to make massive changes which are elective. You don't have to hang around and be part of it when it gets too much.

I would also recommend hiding lots of money, you hear so many horrible stories about life saving spent on plastic surgery.

Let's be clear. He won't be staying male for you. He'll always be male.

The fact he wants to keep his genitals is telling. He's probably an autogynaephile.

Dump. He's a crazy mixed up kid. Don't be drawn into the madness.

What Juneau said. You don't need to support this behaviour, he may be unhappy but you absolutely don't have to sacrifice your happiness and end up living with a 'woman' ( ') because he'll always be a man even if he transition but you married him as a man! It doesn't sound at all a good atmosphere for your dc and tbh he doesn't sound like a very nice person. There's a lot of stuff about not being transphobic etc at the moment - but I can't imagine many woman would feel anything other than anger / upset in your situation.

Hi

I can't remember the name but there's a really good on line support network for women in your situation. You could talk to others who have been through this. It may be that you'd get some support there. Have a google.

He sounds really manipulative imo, on one hand he's saying he's not sure what he wants and on the other he's saying that you are the sole reason he's not living as a woman and therefore not happy. Sounds to me it's easier to blame you than to really look at what's going on. I would bet my last penny that he still wouldn't be happy if you were full you supportive and he was living as a woman. This blaming technique is so common with unhappy people, it's so much easier to blame someone else than to address what's really going on.
You are not to blame here, it sounds like you are doing everything you can in the situation you found yourself in.
If women's clothes are more comfortable (??? Has he tried wearing a bra all day everyday or a pair of Spanx) then why can't he just wear them, why does he have to 'become a woman' I agree with the previous poster that said maybe it's less about clothing and more about being allowed to be more open as a woman, or he just gets off on dressing as a woman which if that makes you uncomfortable then you absolutely don't have to be involved in.

What an upsetting situation to be in OP.

As has been mentioned above, you really shouldn't apologise for your legitimate feelings about what is happening with regards to your husband.

I have two friends, one who has been dressing as a woman since his teens and another who has fully transitioned and become a woman.

The first friend decided a few years ago, that he wanted to fully transition so began taking hormones. The whole process of starting to grow breasts etc totally freaked him out and he came to realise fairly quickly that dressing as a woman and actually becoming one were two massively different things and so stopped the treatment. He realised that what he had was a fetish. At the end of the day he could remove the dresses, the make-up and the stockings and still be a man, with all that entails. I may be wrong, but this is how I see your husband.

My second friend completely transitioned, and despite being ostracised by family and friends, has never been happier and more at peace with herself. This is the huge difference. Your husband still wants to retain the option to go back to being a man if being a woman doesn't suit him. He's keeping his genitals for himself, not for you.