My husband wants to be a woman

[runsmidgeOMG]

I'm sorry this is going to be long and possibly tricky to follow..

My DH has always had issues with his gender. He used to dress up in female clothes, wear a wig and go for walks in the dark where there was the potential some one could see. It empowered him and he enjoyed it. He said that he's always felt like this and he could embrace the cross dressing at university as it was the done thing and no one thought it "weird"

At the time, I'm sad to say I wasn't overly supportive. No one found out and that was cos I thought it would be "embarrassing" I used to say "oh not again" when he dressed up. I'm not proud of the way I reacted.

Fast forward 6/7 years, he hasn't dressed up in ages (approx 5) following a spell of epileptic attacks. He said he hadn't felt the need or the urge and that was that.

Recently in last couple of months our arguments have gotten worse. Accusations of me not listening to him and several nasty (swear) names called and swear words used.
This time things were different he gets frustrated because I don't listen to him and feels he's staying male for me as I'd previously said I couldn't be in a relationship with a woman. It's clear he's denying who he is, I knew the second he broke down he'd be talking about urges to become a woman- I'd buried my head in the sand (as has he ) and thought these feelings would go away.

I love him, he's my best friend and this is a big revelation for him and I'm almost thinking like there's no way back. I feel if he transitioned he'd have less resentment for me (why should he deny who he truly is to be ignored and interrupted- I'm crap at listening and often jump in or talk over him) he seems to think he would too.

The only reason he's staying male is for me, and in my opinion this is no reason to make himself unhappy.

He states he's not sure if he needs a full transition, anatomically he feels as though he's "missing boobs" and wants to act/dress/look like a woman without the "need to hack his genitals off" I'm heterosexual and not sure if I can be in a relationship with a woman... I'm sorry if that sounds really unsupportive I don't mean it to. I'd love for him to transition and still feel the same attraction for him as I do as a male but I can't promise that- this is making him reluctant to do it, says he'll carry on as before ,he's hidden it for so long anyway etc.

I just feel if he stays male our arguments will get worse and we have an almost 18mo that I want to create a happy stable environment for, I want to teach her you can be what you want to be without prejudice.

Please can someone offer some some advice. I hope I've written as sensitively as possible, I can't imagine for a second the mental trauma that goes on for those who are trapped in the wrong body

He sounds like an autogynephile (a man who gets a kick out of being seen as a woman). Which is fine in and of itself, check out Grayson Perry. But it's a big thing in your relationship and it's important to acknowledge that your feelings about the situation are just as valid as his.

But he will always be male, and understanding and accepting this is very important. It's completely delusional to think you can change sex.

Agree with others.

His desire for self expression has no bearing on your sexuality.

He married a heterosexual woman and had a child with her. Those were his choices

Marriage is not unconditional.

Please don't be manipulated, you sound very caring and mindful of his and your child's needs. What about yours?

He's not your best friend. He has no concern at all for what this is doing to you.

You married a man, you know you are heterosexual. You are under no obligation to stay with someone if they change the basis of the relationship by transitioning, or indeed if they behave in any way you consider unreasonable.

@LittleCandle

That condition is called autogynephilia , and like - the enjoyment of being painfully spanked - a paraphila .
Essentially , a man with autogynephilia "gets off " on the imagining himself in a female body , experiencing sexual as a woman would .

As to "irresistible urges" ? No. The only such are to breathe., eat , drink and void , and - in childbirth - push .
What's he's describing is an strong desire to do something he does not wish to resist , similar to an addiction .

He may be a lovely man and a wonderful dad , but the OP's sexuality/ orientation are every bit as sacrosanct and it could be argued that he married her under a falsity , thus rendering the marriage a lie .

My sympathises lie primarily with OP , she married someone who's now manipulating her , trying to paint her into a corner . What next , if she allows this , him transitioning and proclaiming to the world he's now a lesbian in a same sex marriage ?
One would hope that it does not get that far , but that's why the so called veto exists , it allows a partner to petition for divorce on the grounds that they did not marry a woman (or transman) , and hence the marriage is null.
It's also why transactuvists are campaigning to have it removed , so that they can scream "transhobe " at any such partner and paint themselves as the victim , which currently - legally - they are prevented from even trying .

OP comes across as lovely, but methinks she's better bailing now , before she's bemired any further .

Grayson Perry isn't an AG, he's a plain old transvestite . He's stated he knows he's a man , enjoys being a man , and is highly gender critical .

AGs tend to be the diametric opposite , believing their paraphiliac desire for men to desire them as women , makes them such .

Then there's gay men , who for some reason - most probably interlaised homophoba - transition .

Perry is heterosexual , and does not wish to be seen as female , let's face it he doesn't even try , even cross dressing he's about as masculine as anyone can be .

I am sorry op. This isn't your issue whatsoever it is his and i completely understand why you feel the way you do. It's sad for him but he will never be a woman because he is a man and always will be and I think it would be unfair to him for you to play along with the falsehood that a man can become a woman.

I love my dp and for that reason I could not have a hand in him believing he is a woman, for me it would be no different if I was anorexic and dp was telling me "yes Gah, you are fat", but I know dp would never allow me to believe an untruth.

I'm afraid iiwm the relationship would be over. You and your dc come first, this is his demon to battle.

Your husband has a sexual fetish. You are under no obligation to comply with it. If he decided he wanted to dress up as a gimp and be spanked, you wouldn't have to go along with it. Do what's right for you.

If any man raided my wardrobe for 'female clothing' I would be very surprised if anyone would notice much difference.

The labelling of 'female clothes', hoping to get 'caught- sounds like a fetish. There is nothing you can do to make it any different.

And it is heartbreaking how sad and apologetic you sound...

OP, it sounds like you're so hell bent on being politically correct, you feel like you have to accept this. Sexual attraction doesn't work like that, and it's okay to have preferences that might seem in pc in other areas of life. I would feel the same as bluntness the relationship would be over because for me it could no longer be sexual and would need to move on to hopefully friendship. I also feel like he's holding your preferences against you by suggesting you're holding him back - completely unfair, I would push back against this - it's not on to blame you.

Mis I though Grayson Perry's 'Claire' was an autogynephelic persona. As it's not a full time thing, he can clearly be gender critical (he knows he's not a woman) and heterosexual. But maybe he is a transvestite. Who knows - but he's definitely a man, and knows it!

I would tell my husband that I wasn't a lesbian and that we were done as a couple. As others up thread have said I bet it's the "fun time sexy dress up" part of being a woman that's calling to him.

Think about what you want here. You do not have to lay down and comply with what he want's just because he's confused.

Having your male partner grow breasts and wear wigs and dresses wouldn't make you a lesbian in any case, since lesbians are female homosexuals and neither the op or her husband are female homosexuals.

This is a man fundamentally changing the goalposts of their relationship. Not turning his wife into a lesbian.

I would be careful about counselling. I have heard many accounts of counselling from female partners of transitioning men where the woman's feelings aren't really considered and she comes away feeling she's basically been told off for not being supportive enough.
I am not saying don't do it, just make sure it's not someone who's going to make you feel much worse.

OP you gave my sympathies. Something of a similar (not same) vein happened in my marriage and it's now in the process of ending. We'll still be friendly and hopefully good co-parents.

My advice is to listen to what he's telling you. He's let you know in small ways all along who he is but you (both) didn't want to face it. It's clearer now. You have a choice to remove yourself from the marital part of your relationship (meaning the end of your sex life, dual finances and, probably, co-habiting) and protect yourself from DP's very turbulent road ahead, or tie you both into unhappiness. He's not going to make that decision. He's scared and that's fine, but it doesn't change the reality. What's certain (as much as certainty can be) is that you will not find happiness in this situation continuing, and neither will he. At the moment too it sounds like you don't resent him too much for this aspect of your joint lives (because it's a major issue in both your lives). The resentment will come though if you stay together and it will make co-parenting much harder.

As an aside, I love that he wanted to walk around at night dressed as a woman because someone might see him.

As an actual woman, the last thing I do if i have a choice is walk around on my own in the dark!

runsmidgeOMG it's really clear you are trying to help your husband in every way you can but I really feel you need to work out what is best for you and your daughter.

I agree with shivermytimbers "You're sexuality is every bit as important as his and it sounds as if you've made it quite clear how you feel from the start. Your husband made the decision to stay with you knowing that this is how you felt."

It is not your fault at all that he feels this way.

If he wants to keep his male genitals I'm not sure how he thinks he's going to be a woman. But the main thing is you do not need to stay with his while he figures out what is right for him. You can, if you want to but you do not need to.

If you read up on all this look out for the word autogynephilia. It means to be attracted to the idea of oneself as a woman (if one is male). It's very different from being an effeminate boy who is attracted to straight men and ends up having a sex 'change' operation, taking hormones and presenting as a woman. In both cases if that is what the person wants to do, that's up to them. But you are not obligated to live with him if it s not what you want.

"He says our clothes are nicer, comfier, more choice etc." That's pretty much crap as no one in their right mind would think women's shoes are comfier than men's! Slippers maybe!

Just curious but what kind of clothes does he seam 'female'. I currently wearing ablue and white blouse, black trousers and dark blue socks, would he consider this female clothing?

TravellingFleet "One thing I wondered - I think our society places a huge amount of demands on men" Actually society puts huge demands on men and women, and it is mostly men who put pressure on themselves and other men to be a certain way.

"Might one issue be that he finds all these demands of masculinity too much, and that he wants an opportunity to be more traditionally feminine in behaviour - so less work focused, more family focused, able to share his emotions more openly, etc."

Walking about in a dress and wig is not being more family focused.

I totally agree with Bluntness "Your op is so apologetic"

And I will join Bluntness in being blunt, I too love my husband but "...but if he decided to live as a woman, our relationship would be over and we would hopefully remain friends."

So do not be ashamed or apologetic about not wanting to be romantic or sexual with a man, even your husband and best friend (he's not acting like your best friend, I hope you realise), if that man wishes to present as a woman.

He cannot become a female but even so you presumably did not want to be romantically involved with a man who dresses as a woman, so that is fine, it is your choice.

I agree with thecraftyfox I bet his idea of a woman is very sexual. As Frencheo says walking about at night - do you know any actual women who feel safe enough to do that just for fun!

juneau "You both need to go to counselling" Why does the OP need counselling. I'd say counselling with an abusive partner is never a good idea. He is being offensive, rude, swearing at her, in some way blaming her that he cannot be what he wants to be. The counsellor will almost certainly feel the need to support him as the 'transgender' partner and so the OP will have two people trying to persuade her that this is all fine and she should just toe the line. No way! As you say "He's the one who is conflicted." So he can get the counselling if he wishes.

OP maybe read this...
naefearty.wordpress.com/2014/07/22/gas-mark-six/

Some bits that feel familiar? Or where you could see them being familiar in the future?

Why is there an emphasis that a wife should be supportive of this? Why exactly? I would walk away. OP you are are Judy as important. Stop worrying about how he feels, and figure out how you feel

Why are you enabling his issues?

Would you enable him having an affair??

Please think very very carefully about what you want here. This is the rest of your life. And your child's life.

You married someone believing you knew who they were. You didn't. They hid a huge part of it from you. You are under no obligation to stay with him now.

If he wants to do this, fine, but he has no right to take you with him and you are under no obligation to go. What he is planning to undergo is for him, not you and you can support him as a friend instead of living through it as a wife.

Do you want to remain married to a female presenting man with secondary female sex characteristics? Breasts? You may care fur him deeply but can you subsume your own sexuality to the point where you can realistically maintain a healthy sex life with a transitioned trans woman?

It's okay to say no.

Social media would have you believe that unless you self declare as a lesbian, believe he has transformed into a female and are fully supportive of your new wife, your child's new mum and your new lesbian love, you are a bigot of the worst kind.

This is absolutely not true and the vast majority of those peddling these views are doing so from a distance and will never walk in your shoes.

It's okay to say no

He's abusive.

He married you knowing he had this sexual fetish and it's not a coincidence that he's waited until you've had a baby with him, to tell you now's he time he has to be a woman.

You're supposed to valid, support and celebrate, because that's what women are here to do - cheer on their men, and fuck their own feelings and reality and lives.

Fuck that. You have the right to know that your husband isn't a woman, just a screwed up autogynephile and you don't have to support him. You have the right to put yourself and your daughter first.

That should say validate sorry crap keyboard

OP says they are best friends, I think it is the loss of a friend and father of her DD that is making it a hard decision for her, not so much her desire to support him. I would say he needs to work out what triggers his need to cross dress/ change sex. Sadly most support nowadays seems to assume he wants to transgender but can't find the courage so pushes him one way.
Unbiased counselling for him if poss, would be a start. What was his childhood like?

i think it's a fetish too rather than real cross dressing, my husband started doing that in latex and wanting to be seen by everyone in public no matter how inappropriate. It eventually led to the end of our marriage. I was happy for him to do this at clubs but not shitting on our doorstep so to speak when I have elderly neighbours and have a responsible job in the town and am well known by everyone.
I have yet to meet a woman who does this and makes the whole family miserable.