Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

Adult step children upset that they've not been included in the will. Pressure on dh to give them some.

18 replies

RedStripeIassie · 15/05/2017 18:17

His Dad died last year. His dad had lots of children who he left money for in the will.

Dh's mum (separated for almost 20 years before he died) wasnt left anything in the will and they were never married. Dh and the others have agreed to give her some cash.

MIL also had other children first by a different relationship. They were mostly grown up and only one of them lived under his roof for a few years in her teens. They've also been left nothing the one that lived with them when she was about 17/18 ish is upset. Phone calls have been going round saying that dh and his full blood siblings should give at least her some.

I agree because she was only a teenager herself but the parents basically neglected the children and when she moved in (after living with her blood dad) she made sure dh etc were fed and clothed and taught them to brush teeth etc.

Dh and me are happy to give her some but some of his siblings and their spouses are not.

WWYD??

OP posts:

twisterinyogapants · 15/05/2017 22:39

Surely she will get something if anything happens to her father? They don't need to give her anything. Sometimes life sucks and you don't get what you want.

Neverknowing · 15/05/2017 22:48

I think it's awful to expect money when someone dies. I think she's being grabby! They're not his children and he didn't want to leave them his hard earned money, I would respect his wishes tbh.

user1492287253 · 15/05/2017 23:18

If your db chooses to share, fair enough but it is unrealistic to expect his siblings to divy up their share further. They may well have dc of their own to consider.

Original poster

RedStripeIassie · 16/05/2017 08:43

Her own dad died a penniless alcoholic years ago. Her (and dh's) mum won't be able to leave her anything as she doesn't have any money.

We've got one dd ourselves and he's never provided for her much so it's also my opportunity for him to see us right.

I know what you mean about grabby and his other siblings are reluctant to give anything. He's not too keen on it but feels like he has to after all she did for them.

Maybe he should, as a thank you, take her on holiday or something?

Thanks for the replies. The OP reads kind of confusing because there's so many different (adult) children by different parents.

OP posts:

LedaP · 16/05/2017 08:48

So this is the step daughter of the man that died, and he wasnt her step dad for over 20 years?

If your dh is close to her and eants to treat her for what she did for him, thats up to him.

I am quite shocked everyonr has given this mans ex of twenty years something tbh.

My mum and step dad split 20 years ago. I cant imagine mum or me exepcting anything in his will.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 16/05/2017 08:55

Sorry for your DHs loss. Difficult one, and I guess you are not talking about a 'life changing' amount of money either?
I think I would be inclined to give that step-sister a token but generous amount myself (in proportion to what I had been left) as a thank you for what she did- She may not want a holiday. Let the others do what they want, that's on them not you. Bit puzzled why they are giving their mother a portion though- 20 years separated is a long time and they weren't even married, but it depends on the backstory I guess.
Honestly sometimes I think it's better for the family when all the money gets used up in care fees.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 16/05/2017 08:58

Sorry, just realised she's a half-sister not a step-sister, but it doesn't change what I would do.

Original poster

RedStripeIassie · 16/05/2017 08:58

There's a bit of a backstory there leda which makes it seem less odd that they're giving some to their mum. She was very badly financially (and other) abused by him and used her own money to raise his kids and got into debt doing it whilst he squirrelled away all his cash and horded it. When they split she got nothing as they weren't married. I'm very pro her getting some.

OP posts:

AntigoneJones · 16/05/2017 08:59

No I don't think anyone should 'expect' money from an ex step parent tbh.

Original poster

RedStripeIassie · 16/05/2017 09:00

slightly I know what you mean!! Money causing all this arggro .

And yes it's really not a life changing amount of money we are talking but none of the family are used to having any money at all so it's getting a bit wild!

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 16/05/2017 09:01

If she was a stable figure in their lives with feckless dps it would be nice if she was acknowledged with a financial thank you I guess.

LedaP · 16/05/2017 09:06

But dhs mum also neglected the kids?

I see where you are coming from vut it sounds like the kids were the victims. Or do i have this wrong?

Honestly its up to dh what he wants to do. And if giving the money to other people is what he wants to do. He should. But that doesnt put an obligation on anyone else.

The step suster has had 20 years to to make her own life. I dont see how she can expect money from an ex step dad.

Orangetoffee · 16/05/2017 09:14

If he wants to give his stepsister some money, fine, but please make sure that it doesn't come out of the share he owes you and DD.

AntigoneJones · 16/05/2017 09:15

half sister , not step sister.
There is a difference.

Original poster

RedStripeIassie · 16/05/2017 09:16

leda Their mum went through periods of neglecting their basic needs because (as I've had it told to me) she and the dad were caught up argueing/fighting all day and the kids were just left to their own devices. She also didn't really know how to raise children as she ran away from an even worse home situation when she was young. She wasn't deliberately neglectful and always loved them. I think it's fair she gets some.

The half sister hasn't really made her own life as such sadly.

OP posts:

silkpyjamasallday · 16/05/2017 09:19

I wouldn't give her any if I were you. My DP came into an inheritance this year after his DM passed away, and her ex, DPs dad, has been making sure he gets what he believes is his through DP, and unfortunately £40k is now gone that imo should have been saved for our baby daughter and our own house not paying for another adults lifestyle choices, but familial guilt and obligation is a powerful thing. You give once and the requests will never stop until they feel they have got their fair share, and as you say they are going a bit wild I would be very cautious. The money left in a will is left to whomever the deceased wished it to be left to, there is no obligation to give to relatives who spent relatively little time with the deceased anything at all. It's such a shame that it almost always leaves the living fighting amongst themselves for scraps. To expect to be left money by an ex stepparent who wasn't around during your childhood is entirely grabby.

Orangetoffee · 16/05/2017 09:21

Half sister, sorry my mistake. But Red please safe guard the money he promised you and DD.

Original poster

RedStripeIassie · 16/05/2017 09:23

silk that makes a lot of sense. I think that doing something nice for half sister rather than giving her cash would hopefully stop other family asking for some.

orangetoffee. I'm worried the 'generosity tap' will get switched off quicker if he's feeling obligated to dish out money left, right and centre. I'll make sure we get what we're owed though.

OP posts:

Flip