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Original poster

Paternity Leave Dilema

69 replies

Lauramab85 · 24/03/2017 20:25

Hi all

Looking for a bit of advice and opinion on a tricky situation...

I found out I was pregnant really late into my pregnancy, ie at 24 weeks... it's still a huge shock and I'm struggling to get my head around it all to be honest

It hasn't been a joyous occasion unfortunately, when I found out (3weeks ago) I told my partner who has been completely unsupportive. It's heartbreaking as we've been together for 4 years, he's ended the relationship and I'm now having to find a new place to live as we've been living in his owned house. So stress levels are high and it feels like my world has crumbled around me in the last 3 weeks

My main query is regarding paternity leave, he's fortunate in that the company he works for gives 26 weeks fully paid, my company gives only 6 weeks so I'll be returning far too soon after baby is born but unfortunately it's unavoidable given the situation. His employer offers shared parental leave so he has asked about taking the remaining 20 weeks and has been given forms or something to fill out

I don't know if I'm being hormonal and unreasonable but I really don't think he should be getting 20 weeks as a paid holiday basically since he plans on having no involvement with baby. Am I being out of line here if this is something his work says he's entitled to? I doubt they'll know the time won't be spent actually being a father, or if it matters that we won't be living together when baby comes along

This has been a bit of a vent, so I'm sorry for rambling on, any advice would be appreciated

Thanks

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 24/03/2017 20:27

I thought you both had to be living at the same address to be eligible?

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 24/03/2017 20:28

It sounds like a difficult time for you OP.
Who is looking after the baby when he's on SPL then if he wants no involvement? I didn't understand that bit.

KateDaniels2 · 24/03/2017 20:29

Unless he is planning on doing child care to make your return to work easier, i wouldnt do it.

If he was planning on doing the childcare so you could work I would consider it. But he doesnt sound like the most reliable of people and I would probably say no as you will need reliable childcare.

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NapQueen · 24/03/2017 20:30

If he isnt actually going to be doing any of the childcare (or ALL of it) whilst you work then do not give him any paperwork relating to the pregnancy. He needs this in order to claim the leave.

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 24/03/2017 20:32

I didn't have to prove that when we did SPL Wish
I just had to sign forms to transfer my leave over and DH had some forms to fill in.

dementedpixie · 24/03/2017 20:33

Tell him to fuck off!

www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay/eligibility

Says you need to live together

arsenalwatford · 24/03/2017 20:33

Wow. Your ex is a twat. Totally unreasonable. I'm pretty sure, having had a baby last year, that he will have to give them the Matb1 form which 'proves' you are pregnant. You can't just go 'hey work the missus is pregnant and I want 5 months off'. So don't give it to him (he can't get it other than from you) and it's not a problem. He just can't do it.
You need to give work the matb1 form even when you're having the baby to prove you are having one, so you cant just pull a fast one.

MissPoogy · 24/03/2017 20:36

My DH took SPL and I had to sign lots of forms saying he was dad, I was going back to work, was happy his HR contacting my HR.

Hope you are ok OP.

HiMyNameIsUnknown · 24/03/2017 20:38

Agree that:

  1. he's horrid, you & baby are better off without him
  2. he needs your MATB1 to take any parental leave (even 2 weeks!)
  3. To share parental leave he needs to live with you

So do not help him with 2&3 by giving him a copy or signing any paperwork

Look into childcare costs. Can you save money between now and the baby being born so you could take more than 6 weeks and survive on SMP?

You have a lot to cope with. Do you have friends and family to help support you?

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 24/03/2017 20:38

Good advice on here about opting to take spl if your relationship is uncertain.
www.maternityaction.org.uk/advice-2/mums-dads-scenarios/shared-parental-leave-and-pay/

FuzzyOwl · 24/03/2017 20:41

The only form I would be signing would be one to get child maintenance!

Original poster
Lauramab85 · 24/03/2017 20:45

Thanks everyone for the advice

I did wonder if living at the same address might be a condition of shared leave, so that would surely put an end to it

My head's in a bit of a state, I'm still trying to accept everything, it's all happened so quickly. I'm a total mug because I love the pig but I need to snap myself out of that, I know I have someone more important to worry about now

He's just not ready to grow up and is being completely selfish as is his tendency, we're both 32 so not exactly young pups!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauramab85 · 24/03/2017 20:46

Luckily I have a fantastic family, and a mum who is very excited about becoming a granny, she'll be my main support as far as child care is concerned so I'm really fortunate in that regard

OP posts:
AbbeyRoadCrossing · 24/03/2017 20:49

The government website link says you have to live together if it's a partner that's not the parent. So that's not applicable here.
Even so you'd have to curtail your leave and sign all the forms and he'd be responsible for the child when he's on leave.

NeonGod73 · 24/03/2017 20:53

Sounds like he just didn't love you enough. Did you talk about having kids with him before? Some people don't want kids so it's not really fair to put them into that situation. I know you said your pregnancy was a shock but didn't you take precautions? Just asking....

RedastheRose · 24/03/2017 20:57

One day you will thank your lucky stars that he was such a twat right at the start and you will not have to put up with any more of his selfish childish behaviour. Having a baby is difficult, dealing with a man child is much worse. Don't give him any paperwork and let his work know that you no longer live together then go and see a solicitor and find out what you need to do to claim child support from him for the baby. You don't get to make a baby and just walk away from it!

VimFuego101 · 24/03/2017 20:59

Yes, NeonGod, the OP clearly conceived the child all by herself, no male involved. They are both responsible (and the OP clearly is taking responsibility, her ex is not).

A potential consequence of sex is pregnancy - no birth control is foolproof.

Nightneverchanges · 24/03/2017 21:00

Neon, piss off.

Op, agree don't hand over your maternity form. Are you planning on the 6 weeks only?

Original poster
Lauramab85 · 24/03/2017 21:01

Neongod, it wasn't planned and we didn't have any plans for the near future but it also wasn't something either of us had ruled out all together. I was on the pill when I fell pregnant, which is a reason I found out so late in the pregnancy (no missing periods etc as symptom)

OP posts:
mowgeli · 24/03/2017 21:03

If you were together for four years doesn't that make you a common law wife? I'm not sure but if that's the case you may be entitled to half of the proceeds of the house.
Where are you living at the moment? Did you ever contribute towards the costs of the house? How will you financially support the baby? Does he plan on helping with the costs?
Don't give any paperwork to let him have a twenty week holiday that is nuts.
Can you work through the relationship? Is it over? I'm so sorry you are going through this and no yanbu when you are upset about him trying to take this as an excuse for holiday.

dementedpixie · 24/03/2017 21:04

I don't think there is such a thing as a common law wife

Original poster
Lauramab85 · 24/03/2017 21:12

I think the common law thing is just a label but I don't think it has any legal implications, the mortgage is in his name alone, I have paid towards costs of mortgage and running the home over the years I've lived there but I don't think it really means anything

I have a good job and one that I really enjoy, it's just really rotten that 6 weeks is all we get at full pay, it goes to stat after that which would be near impossible, so back to work I'll go in order to provide probably by myself

As I say, my family are amazing so I will have help with childcare. The money isn't the big factor, I just feel hard done by that he wants to take the perks but none of the responsibility

OP posts:
mowgeli · 24/03/2017 21:16

I think the label might mean you can force the sale of the house and get half of the profit but I might be totally wrong? I am not on the mortgage with my husband and I hope we never split but if we did I think we would both be entitled to half the proceeds of the house?
If you contributed to the mortgage surely that means something.
The six weeks is tough. I hope that you cope well with it. I have a friend who had to go back to work 3 weeks after she had her son and she is doing amazing.
When are you going off on mat leave ?
It's really shitty of him to try to use this as a chance for paternity leave to not help you or his baby.
Hugs x

NapQueen · 24/03/2017 21:18

OP would the option to move in with your folks be available to you for the maternity leave? If so you could maybe take much more time off?

NapQueen · 24/03/2017 21:20

Also, OP, do not tell work you will be returning after six weeks. Let them assume you are taking the year. That way even if his hr contact your workplace on his instruction, your workplace cannot agree to it as as far as they are concerned you are taking all of the leave you are entitled to.

You also accrue annual leave whilst on mat leave so add on some holiday too.

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